The next several days were the most miserable in Sirius’s remembrance. Neither James nor Remus would speak to him, and although Sirius was fairly certain that Peter held nothing against him, Wormtail was too intimidated to go against the majority. Never since Sirius had begun at Hogwarts had he ever been without his three best friends, and the loss hit him harder than he could have imagined. For the first two days he stalked Remus between classes, trying to apologise every chance he got. This was made somewhat difficult by the fact that James seemed to have appointed himself Remus’s personal bodyguard, and after the fifth time that James told him in no uncertain terms that Remus did not want to talk, Sirius gave up in despair.
His feelings towards James shifted by the hour. At first his friend’s stubbornness was easy to accept—James was in the right, after all. But soon the unyielding abandonment turned Sirius’s fear and frustration into bitter anger, and at last even that gave way to depression. It was nearly unendurable, the way the hours dragged on, every minute that ticked by emphasizing his isolation. The blinding panic returned in muted form, gnawing at him like a festering wound. No matter what Dumbledore had said, he could not shake the dread that he might have forfeited any chance he had at redemption.
For lack of another plan, he started hanging out with some of their peripheral friends, but this was almost as bad as being completely alone. Mundungus Fletcher could not understand Sirius’s lack of high spirits, and Frank Longbottom would not stop asking him what was wrong and suggesting helpful (and irrelevant) courses of action. Sirius took to avoiding the Gryffindor Common Room altogether, staying as late as he possibly could in the Owlery or library and then going directly to bed.
On the fourth night he fell asleep in the Magical Zoology aisle, waking up long after midnight to find the library deserted. Listlessly, he trudged back to the Common Room, and ended up standing vaguely outside the portrait of the Fat Lady, not wanting to go in but not knowing what else to do. At last she started from her slumber, giving him a baleful glare.
‘It’s not nice to stare!’ she snapped. ‘If you don’t have the password, be off with you, and leave a poor woman to sleep in peace.’
For a moment Sirius actually considered turning right around and spending the night in one of the secret passageways. But this seemed both unnecessary and cowardly, so instead he muttered, ‘Twiddle-Twaddle’ and climbed through the portrait hole.
The common room was dark, the fire long since burned down to coals. Sirius stood still, gathering his courage about him. He seemed to need inordinate amounts for the smallest of tasks these days. Hopefully he could sneak into the dormitory without waking anyone, and face them all in the morning…
‘Hey.’
Sirius jumped at the voice, swallowing a gasp as his heart leapt into overdrive. Near the fireplace, one of the shadows detached itself from an armchair and stood, silhouetted in the pale moonlight that filtered in through the window. Knowing who it was before he lit his wand, Sirius murmured, ‘Lumos,’ mentally bracing himself. If things got nasty he would go sleep in a passageway. He couldn’t take much more of this.
His wandlight glinted off glasses. ‘Hey, James,’ he returned, his voice subdued.
‘Hey,’ James repeated. His hair was rumpled and his pyjamas wrinkled, as though he had been sitting in the chair for quite some time. They stared at each other.
‘Look, I—’ James began, at the same time Sirius said, ‘Could we just—’
‘Go ahead,’ they said together. James snorted lightly. Sirius locked his jaw.
James stared at his feet. ‘So…where’ve you been?’
‘Library,’ Sirius said brusquely. He didn’t think he needed to elaborate further.
James nodded, his eyes looking anywhere but at Sirius’s. ‘Right. So, I was…thinking. And er, what you did—I mean, that was really stupid…’
‘I know,’ Sirius gritted. And immediately regretted it. Right then he decided to swallow his pride. It didn’t matter, he would apologise all night if he had to. He opened his mouth to do just that, but James held up a hand.
‘No, look, don’t—you don’t have to apologise any more,’ he said quickly. ‘I know you didn’t…’ he took a deep breath. ‘I know you just—rush into things sometimes and don’t think them through. And I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt Remus on purpose, so...’
For the first time, a glimmer of hope lit in Sirius’s chest. His throat constricted, warning him not to take the bait.
‘Anyway, I know how bad you feel, and—’ James took a deep breath. ‘I’ve been—a bit harsh, so…OK.’
Sirius studied James’s face by the light of his wand, still held loosely in his hand. Something was stopping his brain from processing James’s words. ‘OK?’ he repeated warily.
‘Well…yeah. I mean, I’m sorry I’ve been such a git. That was daft. You’re not…angry, or anything, are you?’
For the briefest moment Sirius was silent. His instincts craved the shield that anger would provide. But he knew only too well where his instincts had got him. He shook his head. ‘Of course not,’ he mumbled, wishing he could recover his usual nonchalance. ‘You mean you…you know…you—forgive me?’ The word sounded much less natural in his mouth than in Dumbledore’s.
A tiny smile tugged at James’s lips. ‘Yeah. Guess so. Suppose I can’t blame you for wanting to take the little slimeball out…’
Sirius barked out a laugh. The sound was startlingly loud, too flooded with relief to pass as cool. He didn’t care. If James could joke about it, everything was going to be all right. But almost as soon as the thought hit him, he sobered.
‘Remus?’ he asked quietly.
James’s smile faded. ‘Well, you should probably talk to him tomorrow, but I have a feeling he was ready to forgive you before I was. The bloke has the temperament of a saint.’
Sirius nodded, his spirits plummeting despite his friend’s light words. He wasn’t sure he wanted to trust ‘a feeling.’ James read the thought on his face.
‘Don’t worry. Sure, he was mad, but he’ll come around,’ he said quietly.
‘You think so?’ Sirius couldn’t help but ask.
‘’Course,’ James soothed. ‘What are friends for, mate?’
‘I haven’t exactly held up my end of that deal,’ Sirius pointed out.
‘Yeah, well. Remus always had more sense than you.’
Sirius smiled back sadly. James yawned widely and, Sirius suspected, falsely.
‘Come on, Padfoot. Time for bed. Holding a grudge wears me out.’ He trudged towards the staircase. ‘You know Snape hasn’t even thanked me? Ungrateful git.’
Snorting, Sirius followed him up towards the Fifth Years’ dormitories. Suddenly it was as though nothing had ever happened between them; it felt like his life had clicked back into place. A slow grin spread over his face. ‘Glad to see your heroics haven’t made you lose reason. By the way, I never really thanked you for that. I mean, obviously, because it kept me from getting expelled. But, er…going after Snape like that, it was really…really good of you,’ Sirius admitted heavily. ‘Not that he deserved it,’ he added, on afterthought.
‘No problem,’ yawned James, as he dragged his feet up the spiral staircase. This one might have been genuine.
‘So, what made you change your mind?’ Sirius whispered, when they reached the dormitory.
James crept passed a snoring Peter. ‘You’ll never guess.’ He plopped down on his bed. ‘It was actually Lily Evans.’
‘What? Evans?’ Sirius sat on his own bed, squinting at James in the dark. ‘You’re kidding.’
‘No. She heard we had a big fight—well, I guess I wasn’t being quiet about it. I mean of course I didn’t tell her anything,’ he amended hurriedly, seeing Sirius’s frown. ‘But it was hard to miss.’
‘Uh-huh,’ Sirius prompted, hoping James wouldn’t dwell on this. ‘And?’
‘Well, she actually got kind of angry with me,’ James admitted sheepishly. ‘She just came up to me last night and told me I was acting really immature and that only a complete clot would throw away a friendship like ours over a stupid prank…that’s the official story by the way. Although I think only a few people even heard that—Dumbledore can really keep a thing quiet when he wants to.’
‘Wow,’ observed Sirius. ‘Evans…weird. That girl gets fussed over the strangest things.’
‘Well, she was right, wasn’t she?’ James defended her. ‘But it was weird, yeah…apparently she heard from Alice, who had it from Frank that you were—well, that you felt really bad about the whole thing.’ He laughed softly. ‘She thought I ought give you a little more rope, what with your family and all—although she did say that was no excuse for whatever you did. Prefect to the last. Still had the nerve to tell me I ought to have more consideration for your feelings.’
Sirius laughed too, remembering the awkward conversation in the library. But underneath his genuine humour he felt a familiar twinge of annoyance. When was everyone going to understand that he did not need sympathy? Pushing the thought aside, he focused instead on how good it felt to be back where he belonged. A comfortable silence fell between him and James, as they quietly crawled into bed. James dropped his glasses on the bedside table. Sirius didn’t even bother undressing. He stared contentedly up at the velvet hangings, listening to Peter’s rattling snores.
‘So,’ he heard James whisper into the dark. ‘When we go home over holidays, remind me not to extend an open invitation to Wormtail. I need my beauty sleep.’
‘Too right, you do. So…you still want me to stay?’ The casual question caught even Sirius by surprise. He had not been planning to ask it. He hadn’t even known it had been bothering him. A fresh stab of terrible uncertainty pierced him as he realised his own latent fear.
‘I—what?’ James rolled over on his side to stare incredulously in Sirius’s direction. Sirius matched him stare for stare, and James jammed his glasses back on his face. His hazel eyes were suddenly narrowed, and neither of them spoke for a moment.
‘You,’ breathed James finally, enunciating each word very clearly, ‘have got to be. The world’s. Biggest. Idiot.’
‘It’s a simple question,’ Sirius growled, not giving an inch.
‘What, you thought I was going to just kick you out…? Oh…oh, Padfoot, mate…’ James raised his eyebrows in admiration. ‘You really do have some major issues.’
‘And if I do?’ challenged Sirius. He was past lying to himself, past caring how desperate he sounded. He needed this question answered.
James groaned softly, mashing his face into his pillow. ‘Of course!’ he blurted, surfacing. A few beds down, Frank grunted in his sleep, and James lowered his voice to a hiss. ‘Of course I still want you to stay! Sirius, you prat…it’s not like I’m just going to stop being friends with you ‘cause we had a fight.’
The honesty in James’s voice was undeniable. ‘Fine,’ Sirius shrugged coolly, concealing the fact that waves of relief were washing through him with the force of a tsunami. ‘Just checking.’
‘Besides, it’s not all up to me. Mum would throw a fit if I showed up at home without you.’
‘Can’t blame her, can you? Fifteen years of undiluted you? Karma owes her a decent son.’
The familiar jibe rolled easily off his tongue, and James snorted appreciatively before flopping over to go to sleep. But Sirius stayed awake, feeling the aftertaste of the word in his mouth. Son. That was new. He was thinking in terms of family again, even though he had sworn that would never happen again.
Sirius studied the shadows above him, brow furrowed as he let the knowledge sink in slowly. It felt exceedingly strange to spend almost six months wishing people would stop defining him by his old family only to find he had unconsciously signed up for a new one. He rolled over, listening for Remus’s even breathing. It struck him that maybe part of getting older was realising that family wasn’t something you could ever really run away from. There was an odd comfort in that thought.
‘And Evans still won’t go out with me.’
The exasperated whisper came out of nowhere. Sirius laughed quietly, elation at having his best friend back swelling in his chest.
Dumbledore was right. James had forgiven him. And, he realised, with a stirring of the old confidence, Remus would too. After all, that’s what real families did.
Growing Pains by starscribe
Chapter Notes: Last chapter!! Hope you all enjoyed it. As always, thanks to my lovely Beta, and all HP material belongs to JKR!