Remus lay propped up on pillows, staring at a hole in the the wall opposite him. His eyes bored with such concentration that he might have been deciphering some hidden code in the worn tapestry that hung there. However, the wall-hanging depicted a dull scene of twelfth-century Healers, and Remus’s thoughts had never been further from antiquated draperies. Some corner of his mind was vaguely aware that Peter, the only other occupant of the private room in the Hospital Wing, was watching him nervously. The thought crossed his mind that he should say something to allay Peter’s fears, but he was afraid of opening his mouth, of breaking the terrible spell of silence. Every nerve in his body was taut, waiting in a desperate agony for the door to open.
‘Do…do you think you should take more of that potion?’ Peter’s voice came out as a squeak of a whisper.
Remus glanced at the bottle of Persephone’s Practical Painkiller that Madame Pomfrey always left by his bed and shook his head mutely. It had the unfortunate side effect of making him drowsy, and he wanted his wits about him.
The uncomfortable silence stretched until Remus thought it must break of its own accord, snap like a dry rubber band. Peter fidgeted, shifting his plump frame in his chair with a quiet shuffling sound. Remus wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he could go back to the Common Room, but that would require speech.
A sudden faint scraping announced the opening of the door and Remus whipped his head around to see a pale and drawn James slip into the room, shutting the door noiselessly behind him. James took a deep breath, his eyes flicking between Remus and Peter. Remus clenched his teeth, waiting.
‘Well,’ James said shakily. ‘It—it’s going to be okay. Dumbledore’s fixed things with Snape; he won’t be telling anyone.’
Not trusting his voice, Remus managed to raise disbelieving eyebrows.
‘I think we can count on it,’ James assured him, giving him a tight smile. ‘Dumbledore was very clear about what would happen if Snape ever took it into his head to start certain rumours.’
Remus nodded, swallowing. If Dumbledore was confident Snape wouldn’t say anything, it was the best he was going to get. ‘Well. That’s something.’ His voice cracked a little with strain.
‘Erm, James?’ Peter faltered. ‘What about—you know…I mean, is, er, Sirius…?’
James threw him a dark look. ‘Not expelled,’ he said shortly.
‘Oh,’ was all Peter could say. Remus didn’t say anything at all, and James looked at him warily.
‘He’ll be in soon, I think. After Dumbledore finishes talking to him. Do you want me to…?’
It was a moment before Remus realised that James was, in essence, offering to throw Sirius out if the latter’s presence would make Remus uncomfortable. The magnitude of the gesture was not lost on him, but he shook his head. ‘That’s fine,’ he said. James nodded and went to pull up a chair.
For a while the three boys sat in silence, none of them looking at each other. Remus again focused on the tapestry of the Healers, studying the worn threadwork to give his eyes the excuse of purpose. Minutes ticked by, unmarked but for the increased amount of fidgeting from Peter. James sat in one corner, arms crossed over his chest, boring holes into the floor with his eyes. Remus could not bear to look at him.
Finally, just as he was sure he could not take another second of the tension, there came the softest of knocks at the door. For the second time, all heads swivelled to face it. Remus locked eyes with James once, and then swallowed.
‘Come in,’ he called evenly.
There was a pause. Then the door slowly creaked open, and Sirius slunk into the room.
James was on his feet in a moment. Peter dithered for a second between sitting and rising before keeping his seat, tucking his knees up to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. Sirius looked at neither of them.
Despite the sudden spike of anger that lanced through him, Remus was struck in a detached, scientific sort of way by the sight of his old friend. White-faced and stripped of his usual careless panache, Sirius hovered uncertainly in the doorway, eyes cast down. With infinite care, he closed the door behind him, wincing slightly when it made an audible click. Then he took a shaky breath, eyes flickering up to Remus at last.
‘Remus…’ he whispered.
‘Yes?’ Remus noted with surprise that his voice sounded completely reasonable, if rather cool.
‘I—’ Sirius looked like he might choke on his own breath. ‘I’m s-so sorry…I never thought—’
‘Unfortunately,’ interrupted Remus, ‘that is remarkably clear.’ A cold, heavy stone seemed to have taken up residence in his chest. It was uncomfortable, but it allowed him to think straight.
Sirius didn’t seem to know what to say. A kind of horrified misery was stamped starkly on his face. For some reason this made Remus even angrier. Sick fury rose in his throat as he watched Sirius search helplessly for the right words.
‘Remus,’ Sirius began again, his voice shaking slightly. ‘I—I didn’t mean for it to hurt you. I didn’t think he would actually g-go—’
James made a sound of contempt, and Sirius flinched. He stared at the floor, shoulders hunched.
‘It was the worst, stupidest thing I’ve ever done; I’m so sorry, please—if there’s anything I could…? I—I’m just so sorry, please, Remus, I…’
He was begging, and Remus suddenly found that he hated him for it. He had never heard Sirius plead like this before and the sound made him want to scream from the injustice. What right had Sirius to beg, after what he had put Remus through tonight? What right had he to be weak now, when Remus wanted to tear him apart? Sirius would never know what it was to be ripped from his own mind, forced to become an uncontrollable beast that could slaughter any innocent his friends might think it amusing to throw in his path. Remus’s throat constricted with fear and rage and betrayal; he knew he would not be able to control it for long. For once he didn’t care. The hideousness of what he had so narrowly avoided was blinding him.
‘Do you realise,’ he said, speaking each word distinctly, with deadly politeness, ‘what would have happened to me?’
Sirius went, if possible, paler still. He didn’t speak.
‘Of course, we are, for the moment, ignoring the fact that you would have caused the death of Severus Snape…’
James set his teeth.
‘But you would also have made me a murderer.’ On the last word, his voice began to shake at last, the tears he had been fighting all night rising in his throat. ‘Is that what you wanted?’
Sirius was frozen, mute as stone.
‘It’s not enough that I have to live my life as a monster,’ Remus spat out, ignoring the collective wince that went around the room, ‘It’s not enough that I have to go through school in fear of someone discovering my secret, but now one of the only people I thought I could count on decides to have a go at blowing it all for a joke.’
The room was dead silent, the disdain of the final word ringing in the air. Remus had thought voicing the feelings he never spoke aloud would be a relief, make him stronger. Instead they seemed to erode his resolve. Two unwilling tears slid down his cheeks as he fought to retain his composure.
‘Why?’ he demanded.
Sirius closed his eyes briefly, looking as though he would like nothing better than to die right then. He shook his head. ‘I’m…sorry,’ he mumbled, his voice barely audible.
‘They could’ve sent me to Azkaban!’ Remus snarled.
‘I know.’ He was only mouthing the words now. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I—don’t—care.’
Sirius nodded, tight-lipped. The sharp pain of betrayal inside Remus twisted unbearably. He felt filthy with the unsaid things that were toxins inside him, poisoning his blood. He stared at Sirius, and the most ironic thought occurred to him. It had nagged and gnawed at him since the summer and now it was acid on his tongue. Even in this state, long habit of consideration told him he shouldn’t say it aloud, but the thought was fleeting. It was all too much, and he could not stand to hide one more thing just now.
‘I don’t know why you bothered,’ he breathed into the painful silence. ‘Why run off over laws that limit werewolf rights? As far as I’m concerned, you nearly did the job yourself tonight.’
It came the closest to expressing the depth of treachery that had been committed.
The sick astonishment that filled Sirius’s face was almost satisfying, but James also caught his breath in shock. At once, Sirius whipped around to face him.
‘You said you wouldn’t tell him!’ For the first time anger coloured his voice.
‘I didn’t!’ James snapped, stung.
‘He didn’t,’ Remus repeated, without energy. ‘Dad was at the Ministry that day; I put two and two together. I’m usually right about things like that.’ He couldn’t look at them, tracing the squares of his quilt instead. ‘Thoughtful to keep it from me,’ he added wearily.
None of them said anything for a moment. Finally James spoke, his voice even as he addressed Sirius.
‘I think you had better go.’
Sirius nodded again, shattered. He left without another word.
In the corner to Remus’s left, Peter breathed out a shaky sigh. Remus collapsed back onto his pillows. He felt empty and drained. It was several minutes before he found his voice again.
‘I guess I never really thanked you, James, for what you did tonight,’ he said dully.
James sat slumped in his chair, his face bleak. ‘Don’t mention it.’
Growing Pains by starscribe
Chapter Notes: As always, thanks to my fabulous beta! Hope you enjoy!