Crumbling
October 31, 1981. The day Lily and James died. The day my world crumbled down around me.
I knew something was wrong that day. Something was really wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong.
I had been feeling uneasy and edgy all day, but I couldn’t figure out why. Why I was pale and shaking, knocking into things, and looking over my shoulder every so often, half expecting there to be something behind me. But, of course, there was never anything there.
What’s happening to me? I wondered frantically. Because jumping at shadows wasn’t like me at all. Pettigrew, maybe, but not I, Sirius Black. I’m supposed to be the brave, daring one; not the one who was scared of my shadow and jumped at the wind.
But even after telling myself this, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. But what could be wrong?
I walked past the little shops and restaurants without paying the slightest bit of attention to them, even running into a couple of people. But I kept walking, not even registering that several people were glaring daggers at me. But I didn’t care. I had more pressing matters on my mind.
I racked my brain frantically. Maybe there was something I had forgotten to do, some mission or errand for the Order……but no, I didn’t have any missions, and wouldn’t for the next few months, maybe even years. Because I would be in hiding. The idea of going into hiding galled me. Hiding, cowering behind closed doors, locked in, trapped…. I didn’t know how long I could stand it. Ironic, being where I am now. But going into hiding was necessary, necessary for James and Lily. And I would do anything for them, even if it meant dying. Which was always a possibility. I was in danger every minute, but it was going to keep James, Lily, and Harry safe. It had to.
I was playing a dangerous game, being the decoy Secret-Keeper. It was only a matter of time before it would be too dangerous to go outside, and then a short step to being captured and tortured for Lily and James’s whereabouts. Even though I wasn’t really keeping the secret, I still wouldn’t tell them a thing. Except that I’d rather die than even tell them the time of day. Then, just to be defiant to the end, I’d spit in their faces. Oh, yes, a very dangerous game.
That was the plan, anyway. But I couldn’t help but worry when our trump card was also our weak link. It seemed like the perfect plan. I was the obvious choice for the Secret-Keeper; everyone would think it was me. And if not me, then Dumbledore or Remus Lupin. No one would ever suspect that they would use weak, sniveling, cowardly Peter Pettigrew. But that was the point. Peter was weak, he was a coward. If the Death Eaters did find out the truth, and you could never rule out the if, and if they captured him, we were doomed. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he would spill the beans in a heartbeat, if it meant that he could live. Even though it was my idea, I had misgivings. But James dismissed my qualms. He thought it was the height of dishonor to distrust your friends.
The light was failing fast; I could just dimly make out my motorcycle. That was when the thought hit me and stopped me in my tracks. It was like someone had dumped ice water into my veins; my blood had run so cold. Something wrong. Weak and cowardly. If, if, if, if.
Next thing I knew, I was on my motorcycle, streaking through the darkening sky.
It was insane, it was impossible. They couldn’t have found out so soon. But I had to check.
Soon, but not fast enough, I was descending down to a small house. It’s going to be all right, I told myself. I’ll get down there and he’ll be fine and we’ll laugh over how I was panicking over nothing.
But the lights weren’t on.
It doesn’t mean anything, I told myself as my heart rate accelerated and I struggled to keep from hyperventilating. The power’s just out, that’s all. But all the other houses on this street had their lights on.
I carefully landed in the shadows next to his garage, and then hurled myself toward the front door as if gravity wasn’t quick enough for me. I tried the doorknob, expecting for it to be locked. But it swung open easily.
I stood there for a moment, peering into the darkened house, wondering if there was an ambush waiting for me in the dark. But how could they know I was coming? Did I dare to enter?
I dared.
I closed the door behind me, and then felt along the wall, searching for the light switch. If I was going to be attacked, I would have a better chance if I could see. Finally, after a few painstaking seconds, I found the switch and the lights flickered on. I glanced around the room, my wand at the ready in front of me. But it was deserted. I checked the entire house, but it was just as deserted as the sitting room. But what disturbed me the most was that there was no sign of struggle. Everything was as it should be, except that Peter should have been here in hiding.
The awful reality was closing in on me, suffocating me. Something was very, very wrong, and James and Lily…..
I was running, leaving the door swinging open behind me. I jumped on my bike and sped off into the night. I couldn’t think, couldn’t let myself think. I was flying through the night faster than I’ve ever flown in my life. Normally I would have been exhilarated. But not tonight.
Soon the little cottages of Godric’s Hollow appeared out of the darkness. They’re fine, they’re okay, everything’s going to be okay, I chanted in my mind as I angled the bike down towards the earth. I repeated the mantra over and over again, as if I said it enough times, then it would become true.
That’s when I saw the smoke.
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. No, no, no, no, no, please no, oh, God no. I don’t how I got there, but I was on the ground, falling to my knees as I stared at the ruined house. I wanted to deny what I was seeing, I didn’t want to see anymore, yet I couldn’t look away. Then I saw him. James.
A sob broke out of me as I stumbled to my feet and lurched over to him. There was no mark upon him; he could have simply been lying on his back, looking up at the stars partially obscured by the smoke drifting up from the carnage of the house. But his hazel eyes, eyes that used to light up whenever they concocted a new prank or when Lily entered the room or when they rested on his young son, were glassy, and he stared up through crooked glasses at the sky he wouldn’t ever see again.
My mind was in free fall, crashing down toward oblivion, and all I could do was sob brokenly, “James, oh, my God, James…..”
But then I heard the sound of heavy footsteps treading through the rubble, and I whipped around, my wand ready, an incantation on my lips.
But that enormous silhouette didn’t belong to any Death Eater.
“Hagrid?”
“Sirius? Blimey, is that you?”
“Yeah.” My wand tip ignited, and its light fell upon a face partially obscured by a wild, tangled beard. I noticed that he was carrying a little bundle in his arms, and my heart leapt into my throat. “Hagrid, is that….?”
“Yep, it’s Harry. Poor little tyke, he’s all cut up an’ bleedin’, but I’ve patched him up a bit.”
As Hagrid was talking, a horrifying thought occurred to me. Voldemort might still be in the area, or a couple of Death Eaters. “Hagrid,” I said urgently, panic threatening to engulf me. “Give Harry to me. I’m his godfather, I’ll look after him.”
But Hagrid shook his head. “Sorry, Sirius, but I got me orders from Dumbledore. I’m ter take Harry ter his aunt and uncle.”
I wanted to argue, I wanted to scream at him, but Harry was still in danger. I needed to get him out of here. “Here, take my motorcycle, then,” I said, scanning the darkness for Death Eaters.
“Why?” asked Hagrid, looking shocked. “You love that thing…”
“I don’t need it. Take it; it’ll get you to Harry’s aunt and uncle faster.”
“Okay,” said Hagrid uncertainly. “Thanks.”
I waited until the darkness had swallowed Hagrid up to Disapparate. I knew what I had to do now. I had to track down that murderous traitor and see that he was punished.
I found him around noon the next day, running down a crowded Muggle street. I had searched all night, and now I had found him. He hadn’t had a hope of evading me for long.
He glanced over his shoulder and saw me. I saw from the widening of his eyes that he knew there was no escape from me. To my surprise, he stopped running and turned around to face me. Then he spoke the words that changed my life forever.
“Lily and James, Sirius! How could you? How could you?” he sobbed.
Anger rose up in me like bile. The little wretch was blaming me. I reached for my wand, intending to blast him to smithereens. But he had his wand behind his back, and the second I raised my wand he blasted a crater into the street that cracked all the way down to the sewers. I saw a flash and a spurt of blood, then I could see him clearly, grinning at me as he gave a little wave, then he transformed and sped down as a rat to the sewers below.
There were screams and voices all around me, but I didn’t heed them. As Pettigrew had grinned at me, I had realized, finally, just how much trouble I was in.
Only four people had known about the switch in the Secret-Keeper: me, Lily, James, and Pettigrew. We hadn’t even told Dumbledore. We thought that the less people who knew, the better. But now the whole world would think that I had betrayed James and Lily, and the only people who could ever confirm my innocence were either dead, or, in Pettigrew’s case, presumed dead and would have lied anyway.
I was trapped, and I had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I could already hear the pops of Apparating Ministry officials behind me. So I did the only thing I could do. I laughed. It was hysterical, mad laughter, but I couldn’t stop, for this was just the cherry on top of my miserable life. I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
They took me away laughing. I knew I frightened them with my strange, maniacal laughter, but what did it matter? Nothing mattered anymore.
They threw me into Azkaban without a trial. According to people like Crouch, there was “sufficient testimony for the accused to be condemned”. And everyone agreed.
So here I am, rotting away in a cell in Azkaban, surrounded by dementors day in and day out. I can hear the other prisoners muttering in dark corners. A few are screaming in their sleep. They’re all more trapped inside their minds than they are by the bars or walls. That won’t ever happen to me. I don’t care what anyone else says, or what’s being said about me outside these walls in the newspapers. I’m innocent, and that I know it is more than enough. I know Pettigrew’s out there somewhere, and one day I’ll find him and make him pay. Someday I’ll fulfill the promise I made to James and Lily when I consented to be Harry’s godfather. I’ll look after him someday. But for now, I have the knowledge of my innocence, and that’s something the dementors can’t ever take away from me. And I’ll show them all. I’ll break out of here someday, you wait and see. How do I know? Because I’m Sirius Black, a rule breaker, defiant to the end, daring, reckless. You don’t think I can do it?
Watch me.