Greetings and salutations, all. Thanks to the brand new Hogwarts Herald for graciously offering to publish me! I do hope they enjoy the brand new set of expensive, high-quality printing presses.
I received many letters after the announcement of my prestigious advice column! If you’re very lucky, I’ll condescend to answer them here. Unfortunately, some of the letters smelled like poor people and I was forced to bin them. Please send letters that are worthy to grace my fine, unmarred hands! Now, without further ado, I answer your desperate queries!
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Dear Draco,
I have this terrible problem. There’s this boy in my Herbology class who doesn't pay any attention to me at all! He is the best in our class but is really shy and doesn't usually talk to girls. But I really want him to like me! I think is shy, akwardness is really cute, even if he is a bit clumsy. Please give me your best advice!
-Kelsey
Gryffindor, Year 5
Kelsey:
A clumsy Herbology nerd? I do hope you’re not referring to the dreadful Neville Dungbottom. Nevertheless, I do have advice. If he’s the best in your class, ask to borrow his notes or textbook. This is very effective because you have an excuse to talk to him a second time when you return his book. This may require you getting rid of your current textbook so he won’t suspect anything. Feel free to lob it at Harry Potter’s giant head.
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Dear Draco,
I'm having a problem with a boy. He's totally into me and I'm totally into him, but we’re both too shy to tell each other. Should I make the first move? Should I wait for him to make the first move?? Should I give up on him and become a lonely spinster cat-lady? HELP!!
From,
I'd Better Buy a Cat
Catlady:
I must confess, most fellows are quite stupid. Not myself, of course. But several of my associates are dimwitted enough to hold us all back as a species. Because young men are so stupid and oblivious, you’ll have to make all the moves yourself. Feel free to pass him a note in class, or smartly pinch his arse. Some guys like that stuff, that’s all I’m saying.
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Dear Draco,
Okay my name is Roop, I have black hair and green eyes. My question/problem would be...er...This guy in my Transfiguration class has been hitting on me, but I don’t like him, I like his friend, what do I do?
Roop: The answer is simple. Forget the both of them and come to Hogsmeade with me. You sound ravishing! But just for laughs, here’s some real advice: Return the flirtation with that dullard, it’ll make the guy you want become mad with jealousy! Or, you’ll be stuck with a dullard for a boyfriend. Cheers!
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Dear Draco,
Ok here it goes, I like this guy. His name is Zach. Last year I went out with one of his best friends.
That doesn’t make any sense!
He dumped me. Then I went out with Zach, I really liked him and as far as I could tell he really liked me too. Everything was going great until one night I called him and he broke up with me.
That makes no sense, either! What a nutter!
But the thing is, I think his friend, the one I went out with before, told him to dump me or his popularity would be at stake. I think he told Zach that because he had just broken up with my best friend Michelle. This guys name is Keller.
I feel like my head is full of bees!
I like Zach and my friend Tara said that on the bus on the way home from school Zach's friend stood up and went, Oh My God! You like Ashley? (thats me) So that wouldn't be just random would it?
Merlin, I had to read that seven times! I’ve got a bit of parchment here with a load of names and lines running back and forth between them. How does anyone keep up with it all?
I don't think he just randomly said that, either they were talking good or bad about me right. (also I know it was me because Zach's friend said my last name too) So after Zach's friend said that Zach pulled him back down without saying word. Draco, what is Zach trying to say? Does he like me or does he not?
--Ashley
Ashley:
Here’s my advice. About the prat who sullied your good name and talked your guy into dumping you, he deserves having a Flobberworm dropped in his trousers. As for all those other girls you mentioned, my eyes have been opened! Now I know why girls always seem to be mad about something; you’re all impossibly efficient at keeping a network of information about us fellows. Girls are like a secret society, I swear! As for Zach, if he’s able to be talked out of dating you, he’s either pathetically gullible or he didn’t care enough in the first place. Either way, sod him. I could buy you frivolously expensive dinners, whereas he’d have to save up for his entire life just to afford an appetizer! That is, of course, you really are unpopular, and I’d be forced to rescind my dinner inviation.
Cheers!
Draco
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P.S. Leave your problems and queries here, and I may grace your letters with a response! Or not, depending on my mood.
To Draco, With Love by Hutchinson
Story Notes:
I had started this story over a year ago, but took it down due to some person strife. I'm happy to say I'm renewing it, and I can't wait to see where the readers take this story! It's completely interactive. Thanks for reading~!