Greetings once again, loyal readers! I do hope that the staff of The Hogwarts Herald is enjoying the new batch of Longwood’s Luminescent Inkwells that my father recently donated. Much thanks to the staff for allowing me to have my own modest little column!
To business: I was inundated with letters after the incomparable first issue, and I mulled selectively over which to answer. If you do not find your letter here, it is because your letter was inferior, smelled like owl pellets, or was offensively dull. But I digress. Those lucky few that I have chosen are printed below. Cheers!
•
Dear Draco,
I have a HUGE problem. You see, I am a proud Slytherin. I love Slytherin; it’s the best house there is! But… I’m in love with a GRYFFINDOR! The shame! I’m disappointed in myself to the fullest. I just can't help myself; he has gorgeous black hair, emerald eyes, and a body to kill! *Sigh* I need major help! What should I do? Is there something wrong in my head? I mean… GRYFFINDOR!! With their stupid "bravery" and stuff… (Did I mention he’s the best Quidditch player in the school?)
-Hopelessly and Madly Confused
Hopeless:
Smart of you not to print your name, I’d roast you! Firstly, who needs a Gryffindor kiss-arse when there are so many handsome lads (such as myself) in your own distinguished house? Secondly, what Quidditch matches have you been watching? I’m the best player in the school! Screw your head on right, brush your hair, and meet me in the common room. If you’re cute, I’ll make you forget all about whats-his-hairdo!
•
Dear Draco,
What is your preferred brand of cauldron?
Sincerely, Deanne
Third year Ravenclaw
Deanne:
Beauregard’s HandCrafted Wizard Wares, without doubt! Only the most elite of Wizards and Witches can obtain them. Of course if you’ve never heard of them, you can’t afford them. Despair!
•
Dear Draco,
I took your advice and flirted with the guy that was hitting on me. Now I think the guy I actually like is jealous because I’m flirting with his friend, but he's not asking me out because he doesn’t want to hurt his friend.
- Dazed and confused (Roop)
P.S.~ I’d love to take you up on that offer, I can’t stand being around these dunderheads much longer!
Roop: That’s absolutely corking, I can’t stop laughing! I knew it. Kiss your life goodbye, you’ve got a dullard for a boyfriend and Mister Slightly-Less-Dull is off your market! Cheers!
•
Draco,
I like this guy, but he doesn't know I exist, or that I like him. I also wonder how you persuade Snape to give you good Potions grades, Merlin knows you don't do the work.
Sincerely,
Alexa, 4th year
Alexa:
Writing to my column about this “mysterious boy” you fancy was very clever, indeed. I understand you’ve probably fallen very hard for me; I’m quite dashing. Alas, I’m also very selective about the ladies I date. Next time send a photo! As for the second part of your question, I’m brilliant at Potions and earn all my high marks! Unless you’re in my Potions class, what do you know? Wait…you’re not in my class, are you?
•
Dear Draco,
My friend Sarah and I just transferred to Hogwarts from the Salem Witches Institute over in America. I got put in Hufflepuff, and have actually made some great friends, but that isn't the problem. Sarah got put in Slytherin, and is slowly getting a rep as the nastiest girl at Hogwarts! I've know Sarah for three years, and she's like, my best friend, but ever since she started trying to make 'friends' in her own house, she neglected me more and more. She's totally cruel to everyone, including me, and it really isn't like her. Also, she is slowly falling head over heels for the Slytherin playboy, *cough*you*cough*, and she calls people 'mudbloods' and 'blood traitors', and all of my new friends hate her! I know the real Sarah is in there somewhere, but she scares the crap out of me know so I don't know how to find her old self. Any ideas on what I can do?
~Helpless in Hufflepuff
Helpless:
What a pair you are! A proud Slytherin girl and a whiny, simpering Snifflepuff! You should perform Dinner Theatre in the Great Hall! This issue can be easily resolved, my dear. Simply swear your allegiance and inferiority to our proud House, and we may be gentle on you! But I can’t promise anything…*wink*!
•
Dear Draco,
I think all us Slytherins get a bad wrap! I mean, not ALL of us are pure evil and out to get everyone, but everyone always thinks that! I'm not saying I LIKE any of those other house people...or anything...but I would like to not be sneered at constantly. What can we do to improve our House image?
From,
Anthony
Anthony:
Finally, a decent and intelligent query! We’re not all bad, it’s true. I think we employ a little of all the best of the different Houses qualities! We’re just as brave as those simpering Gryffindorks, if not more so! And get just as high grades as those brown-nosing Ravenclaws! And Hufflepuffs? Bugger them! Here’s what I think we could do to improve our House image: we ought to have a Slytherin calendar! The handsomest fellows of Slytherin House! I’m claiming December here and now! Anthony, let’s get Blaise in on this as well! If Crabbe or Goyle ask what we’re up to, tell them it’s a History project… nobody wants to view their doughy forms for an entire month of the year!
•
Dear Draco,
I did something extremely embarrassing as a dare. I told my friends, and now they won't let me forget it! How do I get them to SHUT UP about it?
Sousa
Sousa:
Are you the Hufflepuff girl that tossed your underpants up in the tree by the Great Lake? Come now, was that you? You can tell Draco dearest! Pink with lace trim? You naughty girl!
•
Dear Draco:
I really fancy Harry Potter, but so do many of my friends! I’ve got to get over him or I’ll go mad… he’s never going to date me! Help me get over him. If anyone can talk me out of it, you can!
Sincerely,
Racquel
Racquel:
If you’ve got the hots for a scar-headed knobby-kneed brown-noser, then you ought to see Madam Pomfrey straight away! Did someone cast a Confundus charm or something? Who gets famous from being a lucky baby, managing to survive a curse? He was just a silly baby, soiling his nappies like everyone else! What’s so special about that?!
•
Dear Draco,
My name is Miranda, I’m a 5th year Slytherin, and I have a problem (but I guess that’s obvious). I have this really great boyfriend and I love him to death! The problem is I can't seem to just keep my mind on him. I would have all these fantasies about other, um, persons and I just don't know how to make it stop. Like, I said I love him but I want to stop thinking about this other guy in particular. I keep thinking what it would be like to kiss him or have him push me up against a wall and just do what he wants. I guess that’s a little bit over the top but these are the thoughts that go through my head and I really want them to stop!! Please help me!!
-Miranda
Here’s what you do:
1) Send a photo along with your measurements, likes, and dislikes.
2) Await my response.
•
Dear Draco:
I am in love with a certain ginger-haired Gryffindor. I am a year younger than he is, and he doesn’t seem to notice me. I am also really jealous of the bushy haired girl he hangs around with all the time. I find myself wanting to hex her on a daily basis. What do I do?
-Invisible, Jealous & In Love
Jealous:
What are you waiting for? Hex the tart with hideous pustules and send him running into your arms! That’ll make his decision for him! Who wants a girl with bushy hair and a hideous skin condition? Also, feel free to set her skirt on fire just for laughs. Cheers!
•
Dear Draco,
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on my evil goals of killing Harry Potter. My heart just isn't in it. Every day, I wake to my faithful Death Eaters expecting a masterful plan to finally destroy that wretched boy, yet all I want to do is play croquet. What should I do?
With Love,
Croquet-Obsessed
Obsessed:
I often fancy a game of Croquet at my father’s country club. Perhaps you’re also a member? Only the very elite of a particular sort are eligible! But I digress. I certainly shan’t discuss plans of an evil nature in this school-related column, but if there is to be some hypothetical “plotting” of what may or may not be the ill fate of a certain scar-headed schoolboy, I’ll meet you at that place we had that thing that time…
•
Dear Draco,
My entire family has been to Hogwarts, including my two older sisters who are still here. I've heard so much about it, but no one ever bothered to mention how hard it is to get around! I keep getting hopelessly lost and I never make it to my classes on time. Then when I receive a detention, I can't make it there on time either because a staircase has switched on me or something. Do you have any advice to give first years on how to navigate around the school safely?
~Horribly Lost in Hufflepuff
Lost:
Hogwarts is indeed hard to navigate, considering not only is it massive in size, but the school seems to try to confuse us on purpose! Fortunately for you, I have some helpful tips for getting around. If you want to go to the Library, simply look for a bushy-haired girl with an armload of books and follow her. If you’re looking for the Great Hall, tail after either Crabbe or Goyle’s tubby arses and they’ll lead you to mealtime before you know it. Can’t find your Herbology class? Look for the gangly, buck-toothed boy that’s always either carrying, or looking for, a frog named Trevor. He’ll eventually lead you to the Greenhouses. Want to meet the famous Potty Potter? Look for any ginger-haired, freckle-faced Weasley with hand-me-down robes. Where there’s a Weasley, there’s Potty. Good luck!
•
Thanks again to all of you who wrote to me with desperate letters begging for my words of wisdom. Luckily for all of you, I manage to find time outside of my studies to better your lives. Fan-mail and tokens of lust are appreciated!
Until next time,
Draco Malfoy