To business: There are many letters to address, so without further ado, the wit and wisdom of Draco Malfoy!
Dear Draco,
I have a HUGE crush on my best friend and I… well, I don’t want to tell him by way of owl! I found out we can talk next Monday… should I tell him how I feel? I don't want to ruin our friendship, so if I don’t tell him I will move on to a smart, cute, funny, Slytherin! You know what I mean.
Love,
Madly In Love
Madly:
Life is far too short to sit around in your History class drooling over your best mate! Tell him you fancy him, give him a tickle, or a pinch on the bum! That should send the message, I think! And if he doesn’t fancy you back, then he probably has 6 toes on each foot or something weird like that. Or maybe he’s got a really harry bum, like a Yeti or something. Aren’t you better off, then? Who wants to date a 12-toed Yeti? Not you!
Dear Draco,
I have a slight problem. You see, well, this is so hard to confess... I have a problem with killing. I... I... well, every now and then, I'll get a bit, you know, excited, and end up murdering everyone in the nearby vicinity. You know how it is. All of my friends (the ones who are still alive) are scared of me now, and everyone seems to think I'm weird for some reason! Is there anything I can do to get over my killing streak and get a new hobby?
Much love,
Schmerg_The_Impaler
Schmergy:
Someone after my own heart! The problem with killing off people is that the fun is over fairly quickly and you have to find someone new to torture. Here’s a suggestion from my own arsenal, to replace your killing (or impaling, bygones…) Flick their ears! It’s quite humourous. Not only does the victim get quite perturbed, but ears make a hilarious sound like wub-wub-wub! The larger the ears, the merrier! (May I suggest a certain Gryffindor dimwit with a name that rhymes with Bonald Beasley? Wub-wub-wub!
Dear Draco,
I have a crush on this really hot guy and I don’t think he even knows I exist... all my friends say I should just move on, but I don’t want to, I have some hope someday soon he might notice me. But so far he hasn’t!
What should I do?
Hopelessly Confused
Hopeless:
You’ve got to be dull as dishwater if he doesn’t know you exist! You can’t sit around waiting for him to give you the eye, you’ll end up an old hag with 72 cats who shakes her purse menacingly at passers-by! I’m not sure what to tell you, but once in Potions this 6th year girl dropped her cork and bent over slowly to pick it up. I noticed her right off, but I can’t really figure out why. Perhaps you should carry around potion-vial corks? It’s a mystery.
Dear Draco,
Your right! I don't need Harry Potter when I can have DRACO MALFOY! I mean, your Hogwarts #1 Hottie! The Sexy Slytherin, The - the... um. . . (insert compliment on your awesome body!) Your smart, funny, charming, brave, and did I mention your so bloody handsome?!?
DRACO MALFOY I LOVE YOU!
- Not So Confused
Confused:
I simply had to publish this letter… it’s only fair to my readers to get the most accurate news, isn’t it? Take notice, love. If you enjoy Quidditch, designer robes, and me, then we have everything in common! Cheers!
Dear Draco,
What does a girl do when she is madly in love with both Harry and a dashing advice columnist??
Anonymous
Anonymous:
Hypothetically, this girl might put on a skimpy dress, meet said columnist in the Dungeons, and scheme wickedly together through the late night hours! C’mon, you little minx! Easy choice, I say!
Dear Draco,
I'm madly in love with this girl but she just calls me a freak because knitting is my favorite hobby! IT'S WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND! She says guys shouldn't knit; that it's weird. I love her but I love knitting too and I don't know how to choose!
Lovestruck Knitter
Knitter:
Time to choose, eh? Knitting, or girls? Let me ask you one question. Can you snog a sweater? No. No, you can’t. Well… you can, but it doesn’t snog back, does it?
Dear Draco,
I made a huge mistake the other day in the Great Hall at lunch and everyone is making fun of me for it. How do I make them STOP!?
Annoyed Hufflepuff, 3rd Year
Annoyed:
Stop the presses! Are you the mousy-haired girl who tried to magically enlarge her cut of ham? It grew so big and so fast that everyone’s plates went crashing to the floor as it enveloped half the Hufflepuff students! I bet you reeked of swine for hours! Good luck living that down, love! Or you could transfigure someone else’s lunchmeat and redirect the attention, couldn’t you, Hammy?
Dear Draco,
I'm having some major boy problems right now, and was hoping you could help. You see, two of my best friends are guys and I think both of them have a crush on me. I can tell, because they keep giving me unrequited presents such as bouquets of singing daisies. I have a crush on this kid in my year, but he doesn't even know I exist. He's really hot, and is in the same house as me (Slytherin), and his initials are B.Z. I want to ask him out, but I'm too nervous! How do I ask him out while avoiding total humiliation? And how do I tell my friends to stop trying to flirt with me without hurting their feelings?
Heather
Dearest Alexa:
Ah, it’s all making sense to me now! Zabini gave you a bit of the o’l “Blaise-ing Bedroom-Eyes”, didn’t he? I taught him that, you know. Next Potions class, offer to help chop some Thornmallow for him and strike up a conversation! As for the other dullards, why would you want to give up free presents? I thought all women enjoyed being showered with expensive gifts! But if it’s not for you, simply stop accepting them. See you in class, Mrs. Zabini! Ha ha!
Dear Draco,
There's this blond Slytherin idiot in my Potions class, big suck-up to Professor Snape. Do you think there is one tiny chance he might just disappear one day?
Yours faithfully,
The real Slytherin Prince
Dear Obsessed:
I anticipated this, my mad friend. You’ve fallen into a love-hate relationship with my celebrity image. Lucky for you, I’ve already begun plans to start a Draco Malfoy Fan Club. If you’ve got any clever ideas, I may deem you worthy enough to be founder of my fan club! Do start brainstorming and write back soon! Cheers!
Dear Draco,
My friends all think I'm a nerd because I do better than them on our tests. What can I do to show them that I'm actually really cool?
”CoolGurl
CoolGurl:
Alas, I know the burden of being the most intelligent among one’s peers. Don’t sacrifice your high marks; they’ll get you a very lucrative career someday! As for showing them something rather cool, why not use your brains to invent a nasty new hex? Try it out in front of your friends on an unsuspecting victim. Oh, for example, Harry Potter. Or you could get a tattoo. Only the naughtiest of girls get tattoos! Do it, I dare you! And do send photos!
Dear Draco,
I have this best friend who has this older brother and he's a Gryffindor, and he's really cute.
I’m with you so far. Your friend’s older brother. All right.
He asked me out and I said yes, but now my best friend won't talk to me or him because she thinks it was disgusting when she walked in on us making out.... in her room.
Sweet Chocolatey Frogs, what were you thinking by snogging her brother in her room? Haven’t you got a dormitory? Doesn’t he? Oh, you’re just begging to be caught, there!
She wants us to break up so she doesn't have to go get therapy, but I don't want to lose either of them. I also don't like his last name (in the case of a proposal, I'd be in quite a dilemma). What should I do?
~Choking On a Family Tie
Dear Choking On a Family Tie:
More like “choking on a family tongue”! I wish you’d written what his last name was. Does it rhyme with your first name, like Kally O’Malley or Erin Derrin, or Lottie Dottie McGottie? Or does he have a horrible last name like Weiner, or Butts? I once knew a lad named Kevin Butts. Why he didn’t change it, I’ll never know. Maybe he didn’t want to offend his fellow Butts. Oh, I nearly forgot. What should you do… What should you do… Ah, I’ve got it. All three of you stop what you’re doing and see a therapist at once!
Dear Draco,
Why do you Slytherins all think you're better then everyone else? I mean, come ON--you're all prissy little suck-ups! And you are NOT the best Quidditch player. Harry Potter is.
--SlytherinHater“
Hater:
You’ll be eating your words when the Slytherin calendar goes for sale! You’ll be feasting your eyes on the gorgeousness of me for an entire month! And let me tell you, Quidditch does a body good. Besides, Potter’s just a lucky catch with the Snitch. And I hear he’s got warts on his bum. Sweet dreams!
Dear Draco,
I'm the "new girl" in school again. I HATE it! Today, I just had the worst day of my life! People called me an 'ugly nerd' Anyway, I don't know if my crush thinks I'm a 'ugly nerd', too. I have long, wavy black hair that reaches about 5 inches from my shoulders. I have dark brown eyes and a light tan. And people think I'm a nerd just because I study too hard and I take anything lower than an "A" or "90%" seriously. Am I a nerd? I REALLY like this guy! He even bought me lunch and bought me a book from Diagon Alley because I wanted it but didn’t have the money. And we both walk to the Portrait together and when he has to turn the corner to go to his dorm, he waves at me and says, "See you tomorrow!" Does he like me? Am I a nerd? Am I ugly?
Sincerely,
The New Girl
Dearest New Girl:
I’ll bet thirty Galleons that you’re a Ravenclaw. And I’ll bet thirty more that you’re prettier than you think, though you ought to send some photos my way just to be sure. You don’t wear silly, thick glasses like Harry Rotter, do you? Surely you can go without them! As for your fellow, it sounds like he fancies you a bit. Let me tell you a secret: guys don’t talk to ladies unless we’re potentially interested. That’s why so many unfortunate ladies won’t get the time of day from me. My attention has to be caught! And you seem to have caught his. Next time you see him, give him a smack on his bum! If he acts weird about it, tell him you were swatting a bug and keep walking. Guys love their bums smacked, I’m just saying.
Dear Draco,
I just made it on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, but me and my friend were both trying out for seeker and I got it, and she hasn't been speaking to me. What do I do? I still want to be on the team, but I want to be friends with her still.
Emily, Gryffindor, 3rd Year
Emily:
Her loss! You’re obviously the better player. But if she’s going to mope about it, why don’t you crumple up a bit of parchment, throw it past her head, and yell “Seek!” Maybe she’ll go for it!
Draco,
I really fancy this guy. After Potions class one day, his friend yelled down the corridor, "Merlin, you like Lucy?" All my crush did was walk away slowly, not denying anything. The thing is, if he likes me, this certain scar-head won't let him go out with me because I'm in Slytherin. Perhaps you know Todd? (My crush). Does he seem like he likes me? What should I do to let him know?
Thanks a lot, you HOTTIE.
Lucy~
Dearest Lucy:
Men certainly don’t sit around discussing whom we fancy and what-not, like some sort of knitting circle! I don’t know if Todd likes you, but that doesn’t matter! You’re a Slytherin, woman! Act like it! Saunter up to Hot Toddy and snog him like you mean it! If he vomits or slaps you, you could always say you were under the Imperious curse or something. Cheers!
Until next issue,
Draco Malfoy