And now, for your unparalleled pleasure, the fourth issue of To Draco, With Love! Oh, and do read the other articles of the Hogwarts Herald and whatnot. I haven’t, but I’m told it’s not bad.
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Dear Draco,
My friend Matt and I both come from the same area, so we knew each other before Hogwarts. We had another friend who's home-schooled, Melanie. Matt just got a girlfriend, and he's probably going to be spending most of the summer with her so far. Melanie and I wanted to hang out with him this summer, just the three of us, because Melanie doesn't get to see him for most of the year! How can we ask him to choose without making it seem like we're asking him to ditch his girlfriend?
Trying to be Tactful
Tactful:
This letter really put me in a spin! I tried to put myself in the fellow’s place. Which would I rather do? Spend the summer hols snogging my girlfriend senseless, or hold purses for two platonic pals all summer while they drag me around shops and try to braid my hair? Easy choice, I say. The girlfriend! Unless you and your friend are willing to provide double the snogging! (If so, send detailed descriptions!)
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Dear Draco,
I have a problem. My friends hate me because I shot Potter with a curse, and now he's bald and ugly. Well, he wasn't hot to start out with, but oh well. My friend Kayla is also furious with me and doesn't think I should have done that to one of “our fellow Gryffindors" I am starting to worry that I will become a lonely spinster like that other person in your column.
Love,
Micha
Dearest Micha:
For putting Potty in the Hospital Wing to nurse his ugly mug, I’ll be sending complimentary flowers with your issue of the Herald. You have my highest regard! …Marry me? Oh, as for your friend Kayla… if she likes Scarhead so much, maybe you should send her to the Hospital Wing to join him!
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Dear Draco,
My friend is out to get me. I snogged her boyfriend (Hey, he's hot!) and now she hates me. I just got out of the hospital wing from a Bat Bogey Hex she sent at me! She's also called me some names I won't mention and ruined my potion so I could have detention with Snape. What can I do to get her to go away?
Sincerely,
Christie
PS. You aren't ugly yourself Draco...
My dear Christie:
A woman after my own heart, who goes for what she wants! Sod the rest! Who cares if everyone thinks you’re a tart? Since you’ll be in detention with the good professor, perhaps you might concoct something to lure your mate’s boyfriend to you permanently! You’d better be sure, though, because you’ll have that slobbering buffoon at your heels for the rest of your life! Such is the price for being a strumpet, I’m afraid. Cheers!
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Dear Draco,
My best friend in class, Sabrina, made some new friends. Her new friends convinced her not to be friends with me because they hate me. Every few days she says she's my friend again, but every time she does that, a few days later she decides not to be my friend. Before this happened she was the best friend I ever had. WHAT DO I DO?
-Girl Who Doesn't Know What to Do.
Dear Girl:
Here’s my special, custom advice to you: steal her finest dress robes and set them afire! Then, toss her underpants into the tallest tree on the grounds! She’s clearly not your friend, but a two-faced troll. She probably treats her other “friends” just as awful! Good riddance, I say!
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Dear Draco,
I think I'm cursed. I fell down the stairs yesterday, not to mention landing on my crush and breaking his left arm (not your average love story!) And then my friend ate my Potions homework. I'm not kidding! After that I got chased by this pet of Hagrid’s into a tree and then I had to have Hagrid help me down. Then I got scratched by this cat called Crookshanks, and their stupid bushy haired owner yelled at me! I think Trelawney jinxed me or something! What should I do?
From,
Cursed and Confused
Cursed:
Your letter made me laugh so hard, Goyle jumped right out of his chair! Give me a moment whilst I picture you stuck up a tree, probably surrounded by the underpants of the previous writer’s frienemy, while that giant oaf tries to shake you out! If anyone jinxed you, it wasn’t Trelawney. She couldn’t foresee her own birthday if her life depended on it, so I doubt she has the ability to curse you. Besides, she always reeks of cooking sherry. Anyway, my advice to you is to hide in your dorm from all things pointy or toothy until further notice.
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Dear Draco,
OK, so I was in the bathroom the other day when Moaning Myrtle floated up to me, (I will have nightmares forever, believe me!), and she started asking about you. Well, I was like, “Oh, he's gone,” and she was like, “Oh, where?” and we had this HUGE conversation and I ended up comforting her. Now she's like, totally obsessed with me and I don't know what to do! Please help, seeing as it's all your fault!
A. Stranger
Dear Stranger:
Allow me to pause whilst I scream into my pillow. …Okay, I’m back. How does Moaning Myrtle know who I am, and why is she asking about me? This reeks of Potty and the Weasel. I’ll get them for this…but I digress. I’m quite accustomed to lovelorn stalkers, so I can certainly help you here. The tricky part is that avoiding a ghost is much harder than corporeal crazies. Stay out of the second floor bathroom, for Merlin’s sake, and away from any other pipes or plumbing in the castle as well. Looks like you’ll be relieving yourself in chamberpots from now on!
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Dear Draco,
I think I'm in love with my teacher, the worst teacher for me to fall for. I don't know how this happened but I can stop thinking about him. His dark eyes, his strong jaw, his tight, firm... Anyway, what do I do, Draco? He is lurking in all my dreams!
Teacher's pet
Seventh-year Gryffindor
Teacher’s Pet:
Oh my, lots of naughty letters this issue! You Jezebel, you! Such an affair between student and professor is strictly forbidden. Having said that, I say you go for it! Be the dirty mistress, the naughty schoolgirl! Get yourself a detention with him or something… Oh, I can’t wait to hear how this plays out! Cheers!
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Dear Draco,
I'm a Slytherin, and I keep sleepwalking. I find it really hard to sleep after my boyfriend broke up with me, and my constant ramblings keep annoying my dorm-mates. What shall I do?
Sleepless in Slytherin
Sleepless:
I thought they were making you up, but it’s true! You’re the Nighttime Nutter! Oh, I wish I could get into the girl’s dormitory without being slipped back down the stairwell on my bum. To business: you can forget the prat who dumped you, or you can turn it around and make him absolutely miserable with regret! (The latter idea is much more cathartic, love!) Owl flower-bouquets to yourself anonymously. Buy boxes of chocolates to carry around and share with everyone as you remark loudly upon your generous and doting “new boyfriend”. Your ex should go mad with jealousy! As for the insomnia, get out your potions textbook and whip up a sleeping draught before your dorm-mates smother you with a pillow!
Dear Draco,
I'm having some major boy problems right now, and was hoping you could help. You see, two of my best friends are guys and I think both of them have a crush on me. I can tell because they keep giving me unrequited presents such as bouquets of singing daisies. I have a crush on this kid in my year, but he doesn't even know I exist. He's really hot, and is in the same house as me (Slytherin), and his initials are B.Z. I want to ask him out, but I'm too nervous! How do I ask him out while avoiding total humiliation? And how do I tell my friends to stop trying to flirt with me without hurting their feelings?
Heather
Heather:
Go on and make a move with Blai- I mean, the cleverly disguised “B.Z.”. Let those other tossers keep showering you with gifts! It would be rude not to accept them, and some people can’t help showing their adoration… trust me, I know. Accept your status as a sublime specimen of significant affection, and give magnanimous thanks where it is due. It’s hard to be the object of desire, but you’ll get used to it, love. (Wink!)
Dear Drac A normal geek, the author sits, front of his parchment, tears streaming down his cheek at the thought of his dead relative, who was also
STOP THAT! Ok, sorry. Anyway, I recently purchased a Quick Quotes Quill from a red haired man who came selling stuff to my door yesterday It was love at first sight. The two of them looked into each others' eyes, savoring the love that was not meant to be. Their
WELL, it's gone crazy, and it's coming in and writing on any paper I'm writing o In understandable denial, the author sobs in tensed frustration, cursing all around him, including his very best Quick Quotes Qui I AM NOT SOBBING TEARS OF FRUSTRATION! I AM NOT IN DENIAL ABOUT ANYTHING! And yet, you seem to be STOP IT!
Help me, Draco!
And fast!
Thanks,
Haunted
Shaking his head, the author stands up, and wipes his face with the back of his hand. He is late for his meeting with the red-haired Romeo who had stolen his heart the last day. Patting his hai
NOT AGAIN!!
Haunted:
This might be the biggest laugh I’ve had all day! This letter speaks for itself! I can say no more…except to say that I, myself, do not own a Quick Quotes Quill. As you readers have obviously learned, I am a gifted writer with no need of magical aides. For those of you who aren’t so adept with the written word, a QQQ might be for you. The lesson here, though, is not to buy it from a door-to-door salesman, especially one who sounds suspiciously like a Weasley!
Dear Draco,
I have these intense feelings towards a girl and I tried paying her best friend to tell her, but her price is so high that I'll be thirty-seven before I have enough money. So I had this really original idea - I wrote her a poem. I'm just not sure if I should actually GIVE it to her...
So read it and tell me!
You probably don't know who I am,
(Although I sit across from you at dinner)
You probably don't watch how I play,
(But I do you and you're a winner)
You probably couldn't guess my name with your life at stake,
(Alas, my love, the pain is like a razor-sharp rake)
You probably like, or even love, another guy,
(But, even so, these feelings I just can't deny)
You probably will just laugh at this,
(Even my best friend said I'll never get a kiss)
You probably won't speak to me for the rest of my life,
(And here I've been dreaming of you as my wife)
You probably just puked into your ham,
(Maybe just meet me and see who I am?)
Well, should I send it? My best friend says it's my death sentence... You're the expert, Draco. What do you think?
Anonymous
Anonymous:
Your poem is passable, though I can’t get over the line “You probably just puked into your ham”. Is she particularly fond of ham? Er…maybe you should take that bit out. Wait, no…the imagery is just too bizarre! You have to keep that line. I can’t wait to hear how this turns out. Hide all nearby deli-meats before you send it, though!
Thanks to all my readers for yet another riveting and enlightening issue. I do hope you’ll continue to write me! Remember, no question is too embarrassing (snicker) and no problem is too personal. (laugh, cough, sputter!)
Ta!
Draco Malfoy