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Dear Draco,
I watch this show called Friends, and it’s the best show ever. I’m having trouble waiting on the episodes. I feel like ripping my hair out right now as I’m writing this since I still have THREE DAYS to wait for a new episode. I will probably die during the 13 week hiatus, *sob* so what can I do other than knitting, since I’m bloody horrid. I can’t even make a baby hat. What should I do?
Haley,
3rd year
Haley:
Of course I know nothing about the trivialities of Muggle television, but will try to advise you nevertheless. Why’s it called “Friends”? That’s a dull name, isn’t it? What sort of “Friends”? It’s one bloody word; a fragment! If I were to make a television show, which I won’t, I’d call it something fantastic. Perhaps “From Riches to Riches: The Draco Malfoy Story”, or “Draco the Vampire Slayer”, or even “Everyone Loves Draco”. But I digress. To business: stop knitting, that’s for hags. And you’re only a third year, what do you need a baby’s cap for? Take up Quidditch, I hear it’s a trifle more exciting.
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Dear Draco,
I think I belong in Slytherin. I’m in Ravenclaw, but I don’t like it. My lifelong dream is to become a Death Eater. I’m a pure-blood so it would work out. My other dream is to watch Harry Potter die. What should I do?
Love,
Evil With Some Lemon Twist
Evil Lemon:
I have it on good authority that you don’t have to be of our most esteemed Slytherin house to become a Death Eater. It’s just a bonus. Until you’re of age, I say practice your curses and hexes on first-years and await instruction. The first rule of Death Eaters is that you can’t talk about Death Eaters. The second rule is this: Don’t kill Harry Potter, The Dark Lord wants him alive. Or so I’ve heard. Nudge, nudge.
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Dear Draco,
I have a family problem. You see my whole family is composed of Death Eaters, or people obsessed with the Dark Arts. For hundreds of years my whole family has been in Slytherin. But I’M IN GRYFFINDOR. I don't want to be a Death Eater and Herbology is my favorite subject. I’m thinking of running away from home. What should I do? My family doesn't understand me!
- Kelsey, Year 5
Kelsey:
Run away, then! If you like Herbology so much, maybe you can go live in the woods and eat tree-bark for the rest of your life! Maybe plant some turnips, and be the Crazy Turnip Lady that keeps the first years out of the Forbidden Forest! Ungrateful…
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Dear Draco,
One of my teachers has been acting very suspicious lately. He gets sick about once a month, and once I saw him howling at the moon.
I know it sound crazy...
But I think....
He might be a girl.
What should I do?
Dear Reader:
Look out, young son! I don’t know about the howling at the moon, but I’d probably act the same way if I bled for five days and didn’t die. Here’s another question to ponder: why do girls always go to the loo in groups? Sometimes I think there’s a giant lobby in there with a mini-bar and a salon. Maybe even a cinema! Why else would they all go in together, stay in there for so long, and come back out looking completely refreshed?
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Dear Draco,
I followed your advice and got a tattoo done, and I feel great. Here's a photo for you. In case you don't know what it is, it's a picture of the Hogwarts Crest on my you-know-where. Hehehehehe.
Cool Girl With a Tattoo on her Bum
Dear Tattoo:
Congratulations, you’re the first official member of The Draco Malfoy Fan Club! Thanks for the… interesting photo! Sorry, but I won’t be returning it! Now what should I get for a tattoo? I’ve always fancied the idea of getting a snake around my arm. Then when I flex my arms, all the girls will go swirly. What d’you think?
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Dear Draco,
I'm a bit embarrassed to be writing to you about my problem. I haven't told anyone, but I'm only barely passing Muggle Studies. I'm in Ravenclaw, and I'm practically failing a class! I study extremely hard for all of the tests, but I still managed to muck everything up when it comes time for the exams. I mean really, how on earth do the Muggles keep all of their different types of transportation straight? They have all sorts of different contraptions to help them fly, but I can't tell a plane from a jet and honestly, why do they need both? My main concern is that it is keeping me from having perfect marks, and I'm far too ashamed to go for extra help. Do you have any suggestions?
~Stumped in Ravenclaw
Dear Stumped:
I’ll bet you’re neglecting your studies! Girls are always guilty of it; I see it all the time! You lie around in your jammies talking about boys, robes, and shoes. Then you go to class and pass notes about the same boys, robes, and shoes! Girls are silly; not nearly as focused as we men. But I digress. Would you like to be in my fan club? Fill out an application as soon as you’ve done your homework!
Oh, back to my original point. Muggle Studies is a useless endeavor! However, since you can’t drop the class, I’ll take a moment to share with you what little knowledge I have about Muggles and their absurd ways. Jets are the same as planes, except only celebrities have them. Tones are like handles you hold up to your head, and somehow the other person’s voice is transported into your ear. I don’t like it; it sounds invasive! Also, many Muggles collect “Seedies”, which are small discs that have music trapped inside. You can only release the music by placing the Seedy in a Seedy Player. That’s all I have for now… my head hurts just thinking about it. Good luck!
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Dear Draco,
I have a problem. Well obviously, as I wouldn't be writing to you if I hadn't would I? It happened at breakfast. I was sitting at the Ravenclaw table (as I am in Ravenclaw, obviously), and I was eating my Yorkshire pudding. It tasted quite nice but that doesn't really matter does it?
Girls are so weird.
Well anyway, I was just eating breakfast and talking with my friend Cho Chang. We were talking about the band The Weird Sisters. They are pretty awesome don't you think? I love their song... I'm getting off track. What was I saying?
Breakfast?
Oh yeah. I was eating breakfast. Little did I know that in the very same Yorkshire pudding that stood before me was a dose of sneezing powder from the 'Weasleys Wizard Wheezes' that my brother Felix had smuggled past Filch. So as I was just discussing the hairdo of the lead singer (it's rather ugly I think) I got this itch in my nose. The itch started getting itchier and itchier. I didn't notice it at the beginning but then my nose started to twitch as well. I felt it coming, the sneeze. It felt like a big one so I quickly grabbed the serviette that lay beside my plate. But... it was too late. I sneezed. A big boom made everyone in the great hall look up from his or her breakfast. Everyone was staring at me. It was so embarrassing. Even a week later, everyone is still making fun of me! Cho Chang won't hang out with me anymore because of what happened and I have a week's detention from Professor McGonagall for causing a disruption. I was so mad at Felix and I wanted to write to my mum but Felix was faster than me. He had already written to her warning her that I was going to write a lie to her. And she believed him! That little monster! Please help me. Tell me what to do. Anything! A revenge for Felix. A way to get Cho Chang to be my friend again. A way to stop people from saying 'bless you' under suppressed giggles every-time they see me. Please
Love, Raffles
Raffles:
Forget Chang! Silly girls always find new reasons to fight with each other, so leave her be. Let us get to the best part… revenge! Firstly, I prefer Gambol and Japes over those Weasley amateurs. Best joke shop in town! Dungbombs are a classic, of course, but I’d try something a bit more personal for young Felix. He’s your brother, so you can get close enough to switch out his wand with a Gambol and Jape’s Wafty Wand! Every time he tries to cast a spell, the wand makes a fart sound! Parrrrrrp! Oh, I’m cracking up just thinking of it. I can’t wait to see how this prank war elevates! Oh, and pinch your nose if you go near him… the realistic sound isn’t all the wand does!
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Dear Draco,
Every time I see Professor Snape, my bum catches on fire. I'm actually very pretty when I have a cool bum. I sit in the back of the room, but it is still embarrassing to be whispering "Augumenti" to my bum all the time! Drop me a line, Sexy!
~Hot in Potions Class~
Hot:
How come I haven’t heard of this freakshow student with ashen, soaked robes and a nuclear bum? You have several problems, love. Firstly… Snape? You fancy Professor Snape? No offense to my head of house, but you would do better dating among your peers. Can you imagine dating someone 70 odd years older than you? (Again no offense to the Professor.) Secondly, as for your atomic arse, have you considered you may have a gas problem?
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To Draco,
I've been trying to get in touch with you for the past few weeks, but apparently you've been busy with your mushy-gushy advice column, responding to lovey-dovey letters and coochie-cooing the girls! Why didn't you let me in on this, mate?! Anyway, I came across the Third Issue and was pleasantly surprised when I read some of the letters - particularly the ones referring to me (yes, I do know that B.Z is Blaise Zabini, people!). No wonder girls have been randomly smacking my bottom - you've been giving them advice! Speaking of which, you know that 'Blaise-ing Bedroom-Eyes' that you apparently taught me? Well, it doesn't seem to be working is it? The girls aren't sashaying over to me, but instead they're asking you for advice!
I just want to take this chance to say: Ladies! Don't be shy to approach me! Stop writing to Drakie-poo and instead, come look for me sometime! Also, I'll find out who you naughty witches are - I never forget the faces of those who have touched my backside!
With love,
B.Z
Dear Blaise:
Forgive me, mate! All I can do is gently guide them in your direction! If some of the ladies get stuck on me, how could I be so cruel as to deny them? To the ladies out there: Zabini loves his bottom pinched! You read it here first! And he’s still single, loves! Want to tame the untamable? Ready, set, GO!
Dear Draco,
I recently went on a school trip to France. During the two week stay, I sort of fell in love with this older guy who has already finished school. I flirted shamelessly the entire time. On the last day he wouldn't talk to me and when I asked why, he said he was under the impression that I liked him. Of course, I had to deny it because I didn't want him to stop talking to me. There is a slight possibility that we will both be going on another trip in two years when I am of age. Should I hold on to hope during the wait or just forget about him?
Candace, Ravenclaw, 6th year
Candace:
Oh my, an affair with an older man! Thank Merlin I get such delicious letters! However, I’m disappointed to hear this fellow missed your flirtations. Being older, he should be a bit wiser, as well. Clearly he’s an oblivious meat-head. Or… perhaps he swings the other way? Stop flirting with him regardless, because it’s gotten you nowhere. At best, you may have found a new shopping partner. Fabulous!
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Dear Mr Slytherin-Amazing-Draco-Ness, (Who IS obviously better than Potty).
There is a boy I like, who is actually a Slytherin, but strangely enough he keeps calling me 'harsh' for playing pranks and insulting other houses! I think he is an idiot, but that just makes me want him to like me more. Advice, please? Also, when's this Slytherin calendar coming? I want about seven. Forget the others, twelve months of you and we're all good.
Love Slytheriny Stacey.
Stacey:
I keep reading these letters and wonder to myself, does anyone speak face to face anymore? When I fancy a girl, you better believe she knows it! I may get a few slaps in the face, but more often than not I luck out! Give it a try. Go pinch his arse or something. If he still rejects you, who cares? Hogwarts is full of arses! By the way, you’ve been added to the Preferred Readers list for when the calendars are issued!
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Dear Draco,
Some of my fellow Slytherins (ahem, you) convinced me to go to a pub last week. When I went home for the weekend to my sister’s wedding, my parents could smell it on my breath! I don't know what to do! If I hexed them or tried to come up with an excuse, they'll send me to a girl school! Perhaps you can help me.
-Screwed Teenager
Screwed:
Tut, tut… some lads just can’t hold their Firewhiskey! Did you wash the vomit off your shirt? I’ll have you know that I had to toss my second-favorite pair of slacks after you got sick on them! I don’t know what you ought to tell your parents, but don’t you dare mention my name! It’s not such a bad deal anyway if they send you to a girl’s school. Think about it: you’d be the only fellow in a building full of lusty, deprived schoolgirls! Go wild!
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That's it for this issue, but do hold on to your sanity until the next one arrives! I'm working hard under the stress, I'm just inundated with letters! Such is the life of a role-model. I persevere.
Ta!
Draco Malfoy