Magic had done nothing but help me when I was younger. My family constantly used it in front of me and my brother and cousins, and it helped everyone with everything from meals to sickness. I couldn’t imagine living without it. Because of this, I was surprised that Lily couldn’t find any information on my strange condition in any book. I had never experienced anything before that couldn’t be easily cured by a simple spell or potion.
The nurse had given me several potions that were supposed to heal certain injuries and ease my pain. I still didn’t sleep well in the hospital. I woke up after only a few hours of fitful sleep. The room was light enough, but it seemed as if I was alone.
I really needed to talk to the nurse, but I wasn’t sure I was allowed to leave the Hospital Wing and search for her. So as I lay in bed waiting for her, I let my mind wander.
I knew immediately that this wouldn’t be good, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was definitely worried about certain things, but at first I was able to distract myself, in a way, with simpler, happier thoughts.
I thought about the upcoming Christmas and the family I was about to visit to celebrate it. My grandparents were probably excitedly preparing for the occasion, hanging up decorations and baking treats for us. Those thoughts made me happy. They also gave me simpler things to ponder. I was perfectly content to think about what desserts they were making, and what games I would play with my family.
I wasn’t surprised, however, when even these thoughts quickly became complicated and unpleasant. Thinking about going to see my family made me think about how my cousins were probably waiting for the train with the rest of the school. They might have been wondering if I was okay, or maybe Lily had already told them everything. I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of everybody knowing what had happened before I had a chance to tell them.
I didn’t know what time it was, but the train to King’s Cross was going to be departing soon, I was sure of it. I would have to leave soon, but I couldn’t until I checked out with the nurse.
I was having a hard time focusing my gaze on any one object in the room, or even making out more than the most basic shapes. I figured that I would notice if someone or something was moving, though, so I decided to just wait.
I did eventually notice someone walk across the room, but it wasn’t until I began forming other plans to get out of the Hospital Wing and to the train station before the train left. Within seconds of seeing who I hoped and assumed was the nurse, I called her name.
I immediately heard loud footsteps against the tile floor again, just as I had the day before, as well as heavy breathing. The entire staff must have been under a lot of stress. They always were on days like those.
I didn’t waste any time. As soon as the footsteps stopped she launched into an explanation of why she was late and an apology, but I interrupted her. I said, “I have plans to visit my family for Christmas, and I heard that I would be able to leave today, so I was wondering if I could check out…”
She cut me off. “Yes, of course, just leave now.” I jumped out of bed, and quickly realized that I shouldn’t have. I felt dizzy, and suddenly I could see even less. I didn’t have time to worry about that, though.
I usually didn’t have to think too carefully about where I was going within the walls of the school. It was my third year at Hogwarts, long enough for me to have learned how to navigate the complicated hallways. But when I started walking to my dormitory that day, I became nervous. I felt like I had no choice but to move more slowly.
The Common Room and dormitories were empty by the time I reached them. I clumsily changed into clean clothes as fast as I could, and found my bags, suddenly glad that I had packed earlier than everyone else. I grabbed all the bags I could find, not wanting to look for the others I knew I was leaving behind. I figured that my family would be able to provide me with whatever I was forgetting.
I had to walk more quickly to the train station than I had run to my dormitory. It was suddenly very noisy downstairs, possible a sign that the train had arrived and the students were scrambling to get on it.
I walked as fast as I could and was relieved to see that when I arrived downstairs, there was still a huge group of students. It wasn’t all good, though. I could barely make out the faces of even the students closest to me. Everyone was just one blurry mass of color. There was no way I’d be able to find my family.
The only think I could think to do was shout, so that’s what I did, even though the chances that they would hear me were slim. But it was all I could do.
“Lily! James! Hugo! Albus!” No response. I called Lily’s name a few more times. She was most likely to be searching for me.
Soon, I heard her voice. “Rose! Stay where you are!”
I was glad that she had found me, but was not much more relaxed by it. I could not see her among the crowd. I imagined that she was moving through it to find me, but then again, everyone was moving about as they tried to find their family and friends.
I heard her voice calling my name again. She shouted it several times, and then a few seconds later exclaimed, “I see you! Hold out your hand!”
I did as she said, glad that even if I couldn’t see her, she could see me. I usually wouldn’t have been satisfied with this, but at that point, it was the best possible solution.
When I finally felt her cold hand against mine, I held on to it tightly and let her pull me through the crowd. At first I was worried about running into the many people surrounding us, but Lily seemed to be maneuvering us through the crowds fairly well.
I stopped when she stopped. But even by then I only had a vague idea of where I was. I figured that we were near our brothers, though.
That should have been a comforting thought. I had definitely always enjoyed thinking about visiting my family for the holidays in the past, and enjoyed being able to see my brother and cousins every day at school. But that day, those thoughts brought new worries.
Just seconds later, as if reading my mind, Lily said, “I didn’t tell them about what happened last night. They only know what the rest of the school knows.”
“What’s that?” I asked, even though part of me didn’t want to know how exaggerated the stories had become.
“Not much, don’t worry…the rumors haven’t been too exaggerated, everyone was there after all…” I wasn’t sure whether to feel comforted or embarrassed by this, “…they just like to talk about how you fell from such a great distance. I’m sure they’ll have forgotten by the time we get back, though.”
I could only hope that all the consequences were that temporary, easily forgotten after two short weeks.
***
“I hope we get to go ice skating this year, don’t you?” Lily asked, jerking me out of my state of half-sleep. It was one of many questions she had asked me in the half hour we had been on the train.
“Yeah, that would be fun if you could,” I said as I closed my eyes and tried to make myself comfortable enough in my seat to fall asleep.
“Yeah,” she agreed. A few minutes later, she asked, “Do you think grandma’s gonna make cookies?”
I nodded. “I think my mom said she was going to. And grandma always makes cookies.” I didn’t bother opening my eyes when I said this.
“Cool,” Lily said. I was expecting her to say more, and relaxed several minutes later when I realized that she probably wasn’t going to.
I should have known that I wasn’t totally safe. I hadn’t seen James, Hugo, or Albus all day, and it only made sense that they were looking for me. Having been unable to fall asleep, I immediately opened my eyes when someone sat next to me. Albus was close enough that I recognized him relatively quickly.
“Hi,” I said, and immediately began worrying about what he would think about my obvious lack of enthusiasm.
He immediately launched into a series of questions. “Are you okay, Rose? Really, you can tell me. I saw you fall, but I didn’t get a chance to see you after that…did the nurse help? What did she say?”
I really couldn’t blame him for his what he was doing. I was just as curious to know these things, as well.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m okay though, I think.”
“Are you sure? I mean, that was a pretty bad fall and all.”
“I’ll be fine, okay? I just need to rest now,” I said as I leaned my head against the side of the train.
“But you were in the Hospital Wing all night. The nurse must have told you something!”
“She didn’t, Albus. Just leave me alone, okay? I want to sleep now.” I ended up sounding much stronger than I had meant to, and immediately regretted it.
Nothing Albus said was wrong, and it was clear that he was truly worried. He was actually being pretty respectful about it; he wasn’t nearly as nosy as James would have been. What I said was all my fault, but there was nothing I could do about it once I said it.
“Okay,” he whispered, “I’ll see you later. Sorry”. He left the cart quickly, without another word. I considered calling his name, asking him to come back and talk, but even if he could hear me, I knew he wouldn’t want to talk to me again.
I turned to face Lily. Her head shot down towards the magazine in her lap, which she feigned a sudden interest in.
I watched her for a few minutes as she went out of her way to avoid talking to me, or even looking at me. I listened to the people in other carts, eagerly talking about their plans for the break. They weren’t worried about what their latest fall had done to them; they probably didn’t even remember the last time they fell. They were worried about their Arithmancy exam and whether their Christmas dinner would actually be peaceful, things similar to what I was worried about just a few days ago.
I could still be worrying about that, and nothing else, if I hadn’t joined the Quidditch team, I thought. And to make everything worse, I realized that if I hadn’t joined the Quidditch team, I would have more time to study and I wouldn’t have to worry so much about how I was doing in school.
“Lily, do you think it was a mistake for me to join the Quidditch team?”
Without looking up from her magazine, she said, “I don’t know, maybe.” I was surprised by how cold her voice sounded.
“Lily, I really am sorry. Let’s not make the trip any more stressful than we need to. Please?”
She just kept reading her magazine for another minute. Eventually, she responded with a brief, “Okay”. I could tell she just wanted me to leave her alone, though.
***
“Rose, are you listening? Hello?” While he was talking, I was distracted by the familiar signs at King’s Cross. I couldn’t read the small letters on them, but I still thought I knew what each one said because I had been here many times now.
“Yeah,” I said, but I still wasn’t paying much attention to him. I didn’t need to listen to know what he was doing.
“Did you hear what I just told everyone? Do you know where we’re gonna hide?”
I nodded my head, still more interested in the train station than what James had to say. Even though I hadn’t heard him, I knew that we were about to hide behind Platform 9 where we would hide for a while as our family looked for us. This was because James, being a grand total of one year older than me, always put himself in charge of all of us as we navigated King’s Cross. He did so with the hope of pulling a prank on our parents, usually by just telling them we would be in one place and then hiding in another.
Waiting behind the platform, I was glad upon the realization that I was not the only one who was tired and annoyed then; the only one who was talking was James. He didn’t stop babbling about anything and everything until our parents greeted us with warm smiles and hugs, and even then, he kept talking.
“But…you aren’t supposed to meet us here!” James cried as our grandma embraced him.
“We know, but when we didn’t see you guys there we decided to come looking for you.” This prompted more whining from James.
Even if Hogwarts didn’t send owls to the parents before break telling them where we’d be, I think my family still would have figured out by now that there’s no reason for us to meet them at Platform 3.
***
Our first dinner together during Christmas vacation used to be one of the highlights of my vacation. There was something about seeing each other for the first time in months, laughing over the stories we had been saving and eating the snacks grandma had prepared just for this occasion. It was almost as good as the actual Christmas dinner.
I couldn’t bring myself to say much while we ate, though. I answered my family’s questions about school and Quidditch, and tried to sound enthusiastic. But mostly I just listened to what everyone else said. Hugo talked about his Care of Magical Creatures class, and Lily shared stories about her friends. I was glad that James had stopped complaining.
After dinner, I volunteered to help my mom wash the dishes. Usually it was the last thing I wanted to do, especially when I had so much catching up to do with my family, but I knew I had to talk to her eventually about my strange new illness, and it would be best to do it when we were alone.
In the past, I had always been glad that washing the dishes was such a quick and easy chore with the help of magic, even though I didn’t use it when I dried them. At least the job didn’t require accuracy; it was becoming increasingly harder to see exactly where the dishes were. That night was the first time I wished the task was more time-consuming. Even after carefully considering what I would say during dinner, I couldn’t bring myself to start the conversation, even though I knew my time was limited.
As my mom was handing me one of the last few dishes that needed drying, she asked, “Are you okay, Rose? You look so…tired.”
I knew then that no matter what either of us said, we both knew what was going on. Or at least, what we thought was going on, no matter how much we would try to deny it in the coming weeks.
I nodded slowly. “I’ll be okay. I just fell during the last Quidditch game, is all.”
I knew she was looking at me, even though I wasn’t watching her; I couldn’t afford to look at anything but my dishes. I braced myself for what I was sure was about to come: a series of questions, a careful examination, and then, hopefully, a calming conclusion. I had never completely appreciated my mother for her logic and quick thinking until then.
Because of this, I was surprised when she did none of that. Instead, she asked one simple question: “Would you like to see a Healer before you go back to school?”
I didn’t look at her as I responded with a simple, “Yes”.