Why did I do this again? Crouching in dark alleyways has never been my thing, but a pregnancy makes it a whole new ballpark. My legs are sore from holding me up for so long in a very bad position, and I really have to go pee. Why hasn’t Severus come out yet?
I’ve got to stop referring to him as Severus, or even Snape. It will just make things that much harder when it comes time to”to complete my mission. He’s the target now, nothing more.
Honestly, I have half a mind just to go in there and take care of it now. Sev”no, the target”is taking way too long in there. I’ve been crouched out here for four hours! What is he doing? Some Death Eater meeting? But rushing in right now would be a bad idea. Even if I managed to make it out alive, I’d go to jail. Jail wouldn’t suit me, not at all, and what good would the 100,000 Galleons do me then?
I still can’t believe that Sev would really pass on the prophecy, even after Dumbledore told me he was the spy. Does he really have no feelings? No regard for old friendships? Has he really changed that much that he would sell out his best friend and her family? I just can’t believe it!
Do I really want to do this? To kill a man for money? I feel like I’ve become one of those bounty hunters, with no regard for human life, and only looking for the next paycheck. I can still back out, send an owl back…but where would I send it to? I never even saw my benefactor’s face, let alone learned his name.
Finally, the target’s leaving. I can get moving again before I start thinking too much and do something I regret.
A few days passed before Snape could start preparing for his mission; the Dark Lord had kept him and his fellows busy with alternating meetings and missions. Finally, he was given the afternoon to rest, with strict orders to return the next morning. Realizing that this might be his last chance for a while, he set out in the general direction of the Potters' house, hoping to come up with a plan as he walked.
He strode out of the dark alleyway and onto a busier street without looking behind him. He knew that some of his fellow Death Eaters would be leaving soon, and they usually tried to avoid each others’ gaze when they met in the street. He didn’t want any of them following him; none of them knew about his mission, and he preferred to keep it that way.
After turning a few times, certain that none of his fellows were behind him anymore, he set a course for Lily’s house. He was halfway there, on a seemingly deserted street, when he heard footsteps behind him.
He tried to continue walking as though he hadn’t heard anything. This is still a Muggle area, and the street is usually relatively busy during the day anyway. They might not be following me.
The footsteps stopped just as he was coming up to another alleyway. He sidestepped into the darkness within, which quickly enveloped him. Looking around to avoid Muggle eyes, he Disillusioned himself and looked back out of the alley.
It was Lily. Looking uncomfortable, she was sitting on a bench a couple streets away, her gaze flitting back and forth between her surroundings and his own position. His mind raced. Why was she following me? Never mind that”I can follow her from here. No need to go to her house if she isn’t there.
He watched as she pushed herself off the bench with a sigh, then started jogging his way. He let her pass, then followed her, still Disillusioned, leaving enough space between them so that she wouldn’t hear his footsteps as he had heard hers. She looked tired, though, and perhaps not as alert as she ought to have been, and he edged his way forward to keep an eye on her.
Now, I'll wait for her to go somewhere quiet, so I can attack her there...
She kept walking, taking turns to either side, down the streets of Godric’s Hollow. Snape continued following her, beginning to lose his breath, and wondering where she was going.
She finally turned down a road Severus knew to be completely empty”it always was”and stopped partway down. Snape drew his wand out of his pocket and pointed it at her.
…but I love her.
I feel as if I’ve walked for hours. And now, to make things worse, I’ve lost the target! I could have sworn that he was only a few hundred feet in front of me when I sat down, but when I looked up again, he was gone. Just bloody wonderful.
I pull my tired body off of the bench and start jogging, hoping that the target’s just turned a corner or something. Jogging is a bad idea, though, as I trip after a few seconds. It’s a good thing James isn’t here, or I’d never hear the end of it. He loves to make fun of my clumsiness.
As I’m picking myself up, I notice a flyer for a new restaurant opening in Muggle London lying on the ground. I bend down to pick it up, thinking that maybe when this is all over, James and I can go out for a night on the town. Maybe to a play or”
A jet of green light flashes inches above my head. I instantly go into battle mode, my wand in my hand, eyes scanning for my assailant. Well, what do you know, it’s Sev” the target, his wand out, a tiny flicker of remorse in his eyes. Why did he try to kill me? I thought that I was supposed to be killing him!
“You!” I cry out and he freezes, wand still out. I point my wand at him. “What are you doing here? You weren’t following me, were you?”
His lack of response answers my questions. My expression hardens, my guilt over my job disappearing with every silent second. At least now I have a solid excuse for the Aurors. “Is this for your ‘Dark Lord’? Because I will not tolerate a spy like you following me everywhere.”
He starts stammering. “It’s not” it’s something else” you wouldn’t understand” I””
“What wouldn’t I understand?” I snap, getting impatient with his evasiveness. “Is there something about your betrayal that I somehow don’t comprehend?”
He sighs again and closes his eyes, as if irritated by my questioning. I’m tired of these preliminaries. I just want to get the job over with and get back to James. To hell with all this secrecy. I’m tired of lying to my husband, and I wish I’d never said yes. I flick my wand, jinxing him, and we begin to duel.
Overcome with emotion, Snape sighed, wand still pointed at Lily. He resolved himself to his mission, and shot a jet of green light at Lily just as she bent down to pick up something on the ground.
Seeing the light over her head, Lily whirled around, whipping out her wand and pointing it back down the alleyway. Snape swore to himself, knowing that he couldn’t stand it anymore.
As he looked into her eyes, he felt a trickling feeling down the back of his neck and he knew that his Disillusionment charm had worn off. He tried to slink backward into the shadows before Lily could see him”
“You!” She cried out to him, and he froze, wand still out. The end of her wand quivered, matching her hand as she held it out in front of her. “What are you doing here? You weren’t following me, were you?”
His lack of response answered her questions. Her expression hardened. “Is this for your ‘Dark Lord’? Because I will not tolerate a spy like you following me everywhere.”
He started stammering. “It’s not” it’s something else” you wouldn’t understand” I””
“What wouldn’t I understand?” She snapped at his feeble replies, “Is there something about your betrayal that I somehow don’t comprehend?”
He sighed again and closed his eyes, shaking his head and wishing that he had never met the tall, cloaked man at the Hog’s Head.
We’ve been dueling for a long time now, neither of us gaining the advantage. I’m panting hard; this can’t be good for the baby. Maybe there is some sense in taking a break from fighting. Sev”the target”is breathing hard too, harder than I am. He’s kneeling on the ground, fighting for breath. This is my chance”might be my only chance to take an advantage. I stride closer, my wand directed toward him, a curse on my lips, when I make the mistake of looking down. Instantly memories overwhelm me.
Sev chasing me on the playground during the summer, the summer we got our letters.
Sev bent over a Potions book, trying to explain something to me.
Sev, laughing as I tripped down the stairs, my heavy stack of books falling everywhere, then bending down to help me up.
Sev, being turned upside down that day at the lake, the day he said that word.
Sev, chasing after me in sixth year, begging me to forgive him.
Sev, showing up at my house the night before my wedding, pleading with me not to marry him.
How can I kill my childhood friend, my best friend until that day? How can I even be considering it? Can he really have changed that much, that I’d even be considering it? Have I really changed that much, that I would not find the idea of killing anyone repulsive?
“Expelliarmus!” Sev shouts. While I have been lost in memories, he’s gotten to his feet, and my wand goes flying out of my hand. It lands with a clatter farther down the alley. There’s murder in his eyes, and only a tiny bit of regret at what he’s about to do. I put my arms up, uselessly attempting to shield myself from the inevitable. Suddenly I hear footsteps fading away.
I put my arms down slowly, hoping against hope. He’s just a shadow as he turns the corner. I collapse onto the ground, unable to believe that I’ve been given another chance. I should have died; Sev should have killed me. I shouldn’t be sitting here right now, thanking God that I’m alive; I should be floating away in the afterlife. But I’m not, and I’m never going to finish this job, this job I took on a whim, because I was bored. I’m so disgusted with myself right now. I don’t deserve to be this lucky. I called James a toerag in school and looked down on him for that, but right now, I’m worse than he ever was.
I’m rambling. I need to get home to James, and here I am, wasting time. It’s cold and damp, and Merlin knows I’ve potentially harmed my baby enough for one day. Never again. I’m never going to risk my life and others’ lives for my own selfishness.
~*~
For once, I’m grateful that James isn’t home when I get back. I don’t think I can face him right now, knowing what I almost did, knowing what I was willing to do.
The alleyway flashed red and green for fifteen minutes straight as Lily and Severus, once friends, parried each other’s spells. At the end of a particularly fierce round, Snape found that he had fallen partway to the ground, landing harshly on his knees. He remained that way, gasping for breath”Lily had cast a strong tickling charm his way”and hoped that she was still stopping his jelly-legs jinx and regaining her balance. Her recovery had been slower than his towards the end of the duel, presumably because of the baby, but her spells had been just as good.
As he regained his breath, he brought his head up to find a wand pointed straight at his heart. Lily was staring at the ground beneath him, and she appeared to be lost in thought. He gazed up at her face for a moment, then realized that he needed to get moving again.
She’s distracted, he thought, now’s the time.
He climbed to his feet and pointed his wand at her. After hesitating a moment, he finally yelled, “Expelliarmus!”
Her wand flew out of her hands and, when he didn’t grab it, landed somewhere in the alley behind him. Looking back at her, he got a brief glimpse of her bright green eyes before her empty hands came up over her face.
In those eyes, he saw his memories of her flashing by, memories he had tried to ignore ever since he started the mission.
Lily, jumping off the playground swing and bouncing lightly on the ground in front of her sister.
Lily, calling Potter an “arrogant toerag” for playing dirty pranks.
Lily, dropping her books as she tripped down the stairs.
Lily, coming to defend him when Potter’s tricks got out of hand.
Lily, in the field with her sister, making a flower’s petals open and close.
As he watched the flower in his mind’s eye, he realized, I can’t kill her. I never could. Even though she married Potter, I still love her.
His emotions overwhelmed him, and he turned away from her. Putting his wand back in his cloak, he strode away from the cowering figure of his dearest love.
~*~
Apparition would have been harder after the duel, so he decided to walk home rather than risk Splinching himself, which would have killed him, since nobody would have known. However, following Lily had taken him further from his house than he had realized, and he had needed to stop about halfway.
He barely made it back to Spinner’s End, collapsing on the couch as soon as he arrived. He sat there, leaned his head back, and closed his eyes, feeling his heart pounding in his chest.
I almost died today. Maybe I should have; I was about to kill the one I love. I’m never going to try that again.
Without Reason by Ravenclaw_Soprano, LilyGinnyWrites92
Chapter Notes: Again, neither of us is the amazing J.K. Rowling. We certainly don't own these characters, but we really like them!
Thanks again to hermione210, our guide, and Amber0_o, our beta. Lily is written by th_poet/Kate and Severus is written by Lauren/Ravenclaw_Soprano.