What have I done?
That cheeky inner-voice that seems to haunt me replied that I’d just served as the best man at the wedding of my closest friend to the girl I love.
Unfortunately, the voice is frustratingly correct; I have done just that.
And now I’m sitting here in my cramped flat, with the equipment I need to get absolutely smashed: one bottle of firewhiskey and a glass.
What have I done?
--
I pour myself a shot and shudder as I toss it back.
Much better.
My brain feels a little more alive “ I think it’s been numb for the past few years. Coincidentally, the numbness, the unfeeling, began the day that Lily admitted that she was in love with James.
What an absolutely, bloody, miserable day that was.
I pour myself another glass.
Strictly speaking, it was only half bad. James was so happy, so genuinely thrilled, that his enthusiasm couldn’t help but rub off on me. He walked around for days with that big, stupid smile on his face, telling everyone who could possibly care (and a bunch who really didn’t) about his newfound happiness: Lily loved him.
Although it felt as though my brain had been suddenly encased in ice, I was sincerely happy for him as well. He had finally gotten the girl.
The perfect girl.
Lily.
My Lily.
The miserable part actually didn’t come until later that night, when Lily found me in the common room, staring at the last few embers of the dying fire at three in the morning. I had found it difficult to be in the same room as the newly-in-love and exuberant James, so I had escaped from his company at the first possible opportunity.
I take a small sip from the glass of firewhiskey “ I will drink my second glass more slowly.
For reasons unknown, Lily had wandered down from her dormitory and found me sitting, glaring at the nearly dark fireplace.
“Sirius?” she had whispered; uncertainty in her voice.
I grunted in response and then looked at her.
Even at three in the morning, in almost total darkness, she was beautiful.
Damn her.
She paused for a moment before coming over and sitting down beside me.
“Sirius, are you alright?”
I didn’t answer.
I regret not answering that question. I wonder now if I had answered, what would have been different. If I had told her that her being with James utterly tore me up, would she have stopped seeing him?
That little voice which seems to get louder and more insistent the more I drink whispers snidely that it wouldn’t have changed a thing. She had already chosen James over me.
I shake my head, irritated, and carefully put the lid back on the bottle “ the voice is something that I don’t need to hear. I stand up and walk across the dark room to the shelving unit. I unceremoniously shove the bottle on the highest shelf so that I won’t be tempted to drink from it again.
I sit down on the cold floor and lean my head back against the wall, staring at the dark ceiling.
The week after our half conversation ( seeing as I didn’t say a word) in the wee hours of the morning, Lily sought me out in the library, where I had ensconced myself. It was so unexpected of me to hide in the library that I figured that I was safe.
But Lily found me after a while.
“There you are, Sirius!” she had exclaimed in a whisper so as not to disturb the librarian. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”
“Oh really.” I regretted the words almost immediately. They were flat, sarcastic. The open and welcoming smile on Lily’s face dropped for a moment after I said them. She found it again quickly, though.
“Yes, Sirius, really. I wanted to talk to you.”
I raised my eyebrows expectantly.
With the smile still on her face, she had looked down at her fingers and said, “I wanted to apologize to you, actually.”
Of all the things that she could have said, an apology was something that I hadn’t expected.
“For what?”
“Well,” she had replied, somewhat cautiously, “I know it must hurt you to see me with James and I wanted to apologize for any pain that I’ve put you through.”
Pain? I had thought. I’ve been suffering from complete and total agony and you classify it as mere pain?
“It’s fine,” I had replied, voice neutral.
“Really?” She had bent forward as if trying to get a better look at me. She sounded as if she sincerely doubted me, which, in retrospect, she probably had.
But I nodded and acted as if I were perfectly happy that she and James were together.
She sighed and stood up, preparing to leave, when she had said, “You know that I love you, right Sirius?”
My heart soared somewhat prematurely. She still loved me! Ever since James had announced their newfound happiness, I’d dreamed that she’d come back.
“You’re such a dear friend, Sirius. You and James are like brothers. But I don’t want you or the friendship to suffer on my account.”
And then she had brought it crashing back down to earth with the rest of her speech.
She paused as if she was considering her word choice very carefully.
“I love you, Sirius, but I’m in love with James.”
She smiled somewhat apologetically again, turned, and left me for the second time.
--
I sit on the floor now, in the darkness, thinking about the past.
What could I have done to change it?
I’ve dreamt of all the situations that could possibly involve Lily returning to me and each is more ludicrous that the next. But dreams are all that I have left of her and I refuse to let them go so easily
Although I stopped drinking after two glasses, I still have my little voice. It seems that misery really does love company.
“Nothing would have changed,” the voice whispers, echoing its previous statement. “You know that she would have chosen James.”
“Shut up!” I roar.
I’ve sunken to a new low; I’m now shouting at the voices in my head.
What have I done?
I shake my head sadly “ I’m hopelessly yelling at myself over something that I can’t possibly change.
But the worst part is that the voice is right “ Lily did choose James over me and I know it.
--
I stand up and stretch. It feels good to get off of the floor. I walk aimlessly across the room until I reach my chair, where I sit again.
I’m not sure how I managed to make it through her wedding. Standing at the altar, next to James, I felt as though I was split in half: half of me felt like cheering for James and the other half longed for Lily.
Honestly, I am happy for James. He is a close friend and deserves a wonderful life. I just wish that his wonderful life didn’t require Lily.
As I stood there at the altar, I watched Lily walk towards us. She was gorgeous. I forced myself to smile and imagined that she was going to marry me. Then I think that my smile became real. It was so easy to dream that she and I would be married.
And then she walked by me and took James’ hand and I died again. But I kept smiling.
Lily had made me promise to smile at her wedding. Yesterday I had seen her at rehearsal and I must have looked utterly miserable as we practiced. I kept realizing that it was the last day that she would be Lily Evans. Tomorrow, today actually, she would become Lily Potter forever.
She had seen my face and said, almost jokingly, that I was required to smile at her wedding.
“Come on, Sirius!” she had said. “Promise me that you’ll smile during the actual wedding! We can’t have you up there looking as though you’re about to keel over dead!”
I nodded, but I was dying on the inside.
And I kept my promise; I smiled at her wedding.
I smiled for James because I knew he was happy.
And I smiled for Lily because I had I had given her my word.
And now she is Lily Potter, the wife of my best friend. I wish them happiness; of all people, they deserve it. I know that they will have a wonderful life.
The voice inside my head is quiet at last; perhaps it sees no way to mock my grief.
Lily will never be Lily again.
She is gone, utterly gone, and I’m certain that she’ll never come back to me.
I sigh and resign myself to the fact that I can’t even dream of the improbable situation of her coming back. Her decision is painfully obvious.
Enough is enough.
I’m going to move on with my life. It is unfair to James to sit around, pining for his wife. I can’t do that to him.
And so, after years of dreaming, I will finally say goodbye to the dream of Lily. They are Lily and James Potter, my two best friends.
I stare at the frayed fabric on the arm of my chair. My vision starts to blur “ from sheer fatigue and the hot tears that threaten to spill. I clench my eyes hard, but it is inevitable that the tears will fall, just as it is inevitable that I now have to let go of my dream.
And so, I do.
Goodbye, Lily.
Requiem by Indigoenigma
Story Notes:
This is JKR's world, though she kindly allows me to poke around.
Chapter Notes: Once again, this is a companion to For Him. It was partially inspired by Jenna's comments at the bottom of her last review. Also, Rachel was a wonderful beta and she made many necessary changes to the text. Thanks to the both of you!