I had always considered my life like one considers a puzzle, thought provoking and full of misguided attempts to find a solution. All of my attempts have been the misguided type, as if I am an intricate puzzle detailing fauna on a snow-covered backdrop. It seems every white piece is the right one, but just as I try to slip it into place, I see that it doesn’t fit at all. However, it seems as if I have neared the end of my puzzle. All I have left are a few middle pieces, but there will always be one important piece that would never come back. Always.
I couldn’t believe after all this time, everything had lain itself out as it was. Yes, James could be arrogant, but everyone else had a bit of arrogance as well. His had always been amplified because of my carefully placed aversion to him. He had been singled out as the one not to love because he was the one I was afraid to love. It all seemed so natural, as if I had been missing this piece of my puzzle, and that is why all the white ones never fit. After being afraid for a few years too many, I took the dive and was testing the waters. So far I had been nothing but happy. My puzzle was almost finished.
But the piece that was gone had always been my constant, and had left from hatred and jealousy. I sighed, half in happiness and half in loss. I had made my choice and far beyond happy, but the nagging hole in the back of my mind never let up.
Shaken from my thoughts by a soft shuffling behind me, I whipped around in search of onlookers. No one was visible, so I tried to refocus on the task at hand: memorizing the magical theory behind the Bedazzling Hex. I clearly remembered the day Professor Flitwick had taught the class the incantation, I remembered the wrist flick and the product, but the theory was proving much more difficult that I had assumed.
My quill shook in my hand as I realized just how cold I was. Suddenly, a violent shiver ran down my spine and coated my arms. I had never remembered it being so cold inside the castle in all my years at Hogwarts. Outside the wind howled with rage and shot thick flurries diagonally at the ground. It was absolutely stunning. I loved waking up in the morning to look out my frost-covered window and see the glistening white grounds. Snow had always been so tranquil to me; it seemed to make everything go quiet. I felt it made my thinking clearer. Cold had never made me uncomfortable, except for right now. The cold stone of the library seemed to radiate the chill from outside, exaggerating it to the point of pain.
I set my quill down with a huff and rubbed my palms ferociously together in attempt to make my blood flow. Looking down at my shivering hands, I saw they were pale with cold. Madam Pince must have diminished the fire already. I looked around in search of the old librarian, and once I was confident she was not lurking anywhere, I pulled on my thick gloves and held my wand discreetly in my hand.
Whispering a well-placed spell, blue flames shot from my wand tip and into my outstretched hand. I held the flame close to my breast, relishing in the warmth as the flames licked at the frigid air. As my senses returned to life, I once again attempted to concentrate on my Charms book.
Just as I was beginning to grasp the concept of the Bedazzling Hex, the shuffling started again, only this time it was much closer and much more obvious. Quickly diminishing my small flame, I returned to my text as if no rules had been broken at all. As I once again stared at the page, I felt my eyes slide in and out of focus. I let out a groan of frustration as I began to read the same paragraph for what seemed the tenth time.
“Lily?” a timid, yet all too familiar voice uttered from somewhere over my right shoulder. Choosing to ignore the address, I relished in re-reading the paragraph again. I didn’t feel like dealing with puzzle pieces right now. Silence fell between me and my unwanted puzzle piece. The same paragraph was read. Again.
“What are you reading?” he asked. I could feel the space between us shrink as he leaned over my shoulder to get a closer glimpse.
I shut the book with a loud thud. “It’s not your business.” I was still for a moment, trying to decide my next move to remove myself from this situation.
In this precise moment, when it felt as if the whole world had gone still, my stomach let out a roar of hunger. Cursing inwardly, I remembered that I had passed up dinner to try to get my studying squished into one night. James had promised me he would take me up to the Astronomy Tower this week to look at the stars. Not only had the snow been too thick to even see an arms-length in front of me, but also we had been weighed down with the pre-exam homework load.
“Hungry?” Severus volunteered hopefully. Making a decision quickly, I stood up and shoved my books into my bag. Turning to look upon my lost childhood friend, I saw his skin was sallower than usual and dark circles accompanied his eyes. It hurt to see my missing puzzle piece in such pain, but he had caused me greater pain long ago. There was no turning back now.
My stomach grumbled again, only louder.
I paused to consider my options. Either go to the kitchens with Severus, or brave the off-limit halls later. I scoped out the two competitors, the door leading to the Gryffindor common room, and Severus. As I gazed at his face with a crumpled look of discomfort upon mine, I saw a glint of hope flash over the usually expressionless features.
Slumping my shoulders and setting my face, I set off at a march. “You coming?” My voice was steel.
“Oh. Yes.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he moved to follow me.
The small pathway from the library to the castle was brutal. Snow had never caused me this much pain before. It seemed so pure and harmless, but it seemed today that was only a façade. The sharp, ice-like flurries pelted my skin, immediately causing my cheeks to sting in pain. Pulling my scarf up to shield the oncoming wall of snow, I bent my head and saw Severus’ beaten up shoes following close behind me.
Without realizing I had reached my terminus, my toes encountered the steps leading up to the Great Hall. Looking up with relief, my vision was instantly clouded by the heavy snowfall. I looked down, blinked, and trudged my way up the steps. As I pushed the door open, I looked back, only to see Severus slipping through the small chasm of space between the closed door and me.
We stood in the Great Hall for a moment to dry off. I shook free the flurries attached to my hair and cloak and removed my scarf that had been soaked through with water. Watching as Severus shook his hair out like a wet dog, I remembered the days we would spend at the pool when we had been children. It had all been so much easier then.
When he finished his shaking, his hair swung around and slapped his skin. He didn’t seem to notice that it stuck there though; he had caught me staring. Our eyes locked for a moment until I broke the stare. I turned and marched forward. I knew that puzzle pieces were confusing sometimes, but since when did a puzzle piece want to fit, only to stay away from its spot?
As we moved in silence, thoughts sped through my brain. Severus and I had not spoken for a few months, and now here he was acting as if we had spoken only yesterday. I turned to glance at his face and saw something I had only seen once before. Pain in its rawest form. Immediately turning back to my path, his dark eyes haunted my mind. When Severus and I had parted ways, I simply let him go. It was for the best. Whenever natural thoughts of what he was doing or what mark he had received on his latest Potions exam crossed my mind, I shunted them out as quickly as they had come.
“So, Lily.” His voice broke me from my reverie. “What is your occupation going to be?” He asked innocently.
Not wanting to be rude, I replied, “I don’t know yet, Severus. You know I’ve always wanted to be a Healer.”
“Right, yes, I remember that from when we were children. You’ve always been fascinated with helping others,” he stated coolly.
From the paintings on the stone walls, and the slowly sloping passageway, I knew we had to be close to the kitchen. I watched in vain as each portrait passed, wishing harder and harder that I had gotten food alone.
“Going home for the holidays?” he asked, apparently wanting badly to make conversation.
I turned and glared at him quickly. “Why are you here Severus? We haven’t spoken for months. We had an agreement. I don’t talk to you, you don’t talk to me.”
“Well, I just… I…” He stuttered, a look of indecision upon his face. With perfect timing, the next painting that came up was the bowl of fruit. Reaching my hand out to tickle the pear, I was blocked by Severus’ hand slithering in front of mine.
“Aren’t gentlemen supposed to open the door for ladies?”
The painting swung open as I gave him a look of pure exasperation. Seemingly ignoring it, he stepped through the hole in the wall. House-elves instantly swarmed to him, asking what food or drink he desired. A grin slid across his lips as he ordered them around. I grimaced in repulsion as I watched him take pleasure in being powerful. Purely Slytherin, through and through.
I think my puzzle may have been less attractive if I had such a potent piece as this one in it. In my mind, this piece would stick out like black against white, bad against good.
“Are you coming?” he asked, a twitchy smile plastered on his lips. It looked simply unnatural. It must have been an emotion Severus had forgotten how to feel. Happiness.
I nodded in acquiescence and moved through the knee-high crowd of house-elves, waiting in apt attention to serve anything that moved.
I had never felt so uncomfortable in the presence of this boy as I did now. His eyes screamed there was something he was hiding, but his demeanour said the opposite: his coolness was far beyond the Severus I knew. His movements were not calculated enough, the way his arms swung by his sides was too stiff, and his higher-than-normal-pitch voice were cluing me into something I did not want to face. Deliverance. Or something like it.
The table was set for two, complete with a steaming cup of tea and dinner leftovers. My mind quickly sidetracked to wonder what happened to all the food the students didn’t eat. Were they left for the poor house-elves? Or perhaps Hagrid fed them to whatever beast he had contained at the moment.
“The tea will be cold if you don’t drink it.”
Once again ripped from her drifting mind by his voice, her eyes snapped to Severus.
“Why are you here, Severus?” I asked quietly, pushing all thoughts of awkwardness and hurt from my mind. If we were going to sit here like this, we might as well make some kind of progress, whichever direction it may be in.
Severus looked down from my green eyes. He had always been fascinated by the color green. It was the color of his childhood friend’s eyes and it was the color of his mascot. He would forever be haunted by this simple color. I watched as he faltered, his cool stature instantly falling into the straight shoulders I had always known.
“Lily, I know it may not be my place to judge your choices. And I am sure my words are worth little more than dirt to you, now. However, I have always wanted nothing more than for you to be happy; it is still what I desire most.” He paused. His mouth bobbed as he searched for the right words, and upon finding them, he continued, “I know you could be happier than you are.”
I shook my head, an incredulous look creasing my features. “No, no, no. James is not a matter that is to be discussed between us.”
“I wasn’t implying you could be happier without James,” Severus hedged.
A grin flashed across my lips. “Yes, you were. I have known far too long to assume you were talking about anything else. What? As if you think I could be happier because I don’t study enough or something?”
“Fair enough, but all you have done is curse his existance,” Severus ploughed on, his voice lessening to a hiss. “I know that you could be happier with someone else. Someone who knows your needs and desires far more than he does.”
“You think I could be happier with you?” I crumpled a piece of bread ferociously in my fingers. “I don’t enjoy being with people who call me names, thank you, Severus.”
“I had my reasons””
“Which were prejudiced and hurtful.”
“Lily, please.”
“That’s enough.”
The wisps of steam had lessened greatly, so I suddenly turned my body fully toward the makeshift meal. It was the only thing available to distract me from what was occurring next to me. Silence was needed. It was the type that allowed emotions to cool. My mind worked easier in silence. It was the reason I loved the snow so much. The ringing silence of the kitchens, save for the pot clang here or there, was beautiful. As I finished the cold ham, I noticed that Severus had begun to fidget with his sleeves”a habit of his when he was uncomfortable. I only picked up on this from the large amount of time I used to spend with him. The times Severus had been uncomfortable were few and far between.
“I had no intention to hurt you,” he whispered. “I just need you to listen to me. James Potter will hurt you.”
A pang of worry echoed through my chest. He knew this was my soft spot. It was every girl’s. What if, what if, the boy you loved suddenly dropped you like all you were an accessory for the day. I knew the way Severus worked though. As worried as he may be, he was manipulating my one true weakness. I put up the guard I had for so long used against James and turned back to Severus.
“I’m sorry, Severus, but you do not know the James that I do. You simply know the James that made a fool of you,” I attempted to make James sound the least harsh to Severus as I possibly could.
The pain in his eyes deepened. He must have known what my response would be to this attempt, but I knew what it felt like to have that one glimmer of hope left. He wilted in my eyes. His stance had gone from cool to straight to crumpled in front of my eyes in a matter of minutes.
“I know what is right for you, though,” he attempted, his voice feeble as if he were trying to convince himself. Then it all faded. His fight was gone completely from his body.
I felt the wretched pain of separation ripple through my nerves as I stood to leave him. Walking through the painting hole, I heard a howl of agony that bounded off the stone into my ringing ears. It was always harder to walk away the second time. Always.
I had completed my puzzle; it had all fallen back into place. This piece of my puzzle would never fit though. The edges would be all wrong and the ears would be too big. I knew I would miss this piece with the portion of my heart that was left behind, but I would never be able to retrieve it. I could look at the empty space like my hoover at home sucked it up from where it had fallen from the table. It was now gone forever. I had made my choice. My puzzle was finished, never to be touched again.