Hi all. Whats new? I know that everyone is angry that I haven’t updated my other story (please check it out and review, if you haven’t). But I got this really funny story idea in the middle of a class, and I figured I might as well get it down on paper and out of my head before I forgot it. It is really funny to me…
IMPORTANT: I am not sure you will get the full humor of this if you haven’t seen the Lion King Broadway musical. I did… and I am now obsessed with three things, LotR, HP, and The Lion King. This song happens to be my favorite of the songs of the play, and it was added in from the movie. I got a few people to read over it, and they thought it was a little funny, even thought they hadn't seen the Lion King. I am the only cultured friend...*sigh*
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter, Lion King, or anything else mentioned in this spoof except the idea of criss-crossing the stories. So please, read on, but remember that this is only a one chapter story, and I will not be adding anything else to it.
~*~
The Madness of Lord Voldemort
The fire glowed softly, casting a dim light over all those present in the room. The shadows fell to the back wall creating an eerie feeling that drifted through the air as thick as smoke.
“That’s enough, Lucius. You may go.” The power from just those words shook the hearts of all listening.
“But-but My Lord, I must protest, the-the people. They are beginning to-”
“I said you may go, Lucius.”
Bowing once, Lucius Malfoy turned around and walked out of his study. Lord Voldemort turned to watch him leave.
“Now, may I ask what it was that you wanted to tell me, Bella?”
Bellatrix Lestrange took one step forward, her icy stare unwavering.
“My Lord, no more than what Lucius had to say. The people are beginning to wonder, sir. They are very worried about the loss of one of the teachers at Hogwarts- it will not go un-noticed.”
Voldemort’s tone became even harder and colder than it was before. “I realize that, Bella. And have indeed realized that since BEFORE everyone decided to bring it to my attention, much later than it should have been. Can I rely on none of my Death Eaters?"
There was a moments pause, which seemed longer for the remaining Death Eaters, in which Voldemort gave a angered sigh. Not something he usually does, might I add.
“Antonin, bring the professor to me. Peter, put more wood on the fire. Everyone else, get out of my sight.”
There was a quick rustling sound as the rest of the Death Eaters ran to do as they were told, and Wormtail jumped to put another log on the fire. He pushed at it with his wand, making the flames rise higher than before, then sat back and waited for more instruction.
Voldemort leaned back into his chair, slouching now that no one was around. He lost his “I’m-more-powerful-than-you-so-na-nah!” air that he carried around with him.
“Damn him, Peter, damn that man. Damn that man and his stupid son! If he’d only answered some of the letters sent by the school, and actually went to talk to the teachers about his son’s work habits. I mean, really, how can someone be FAILING at Hogwarts? It was the easiest school on the planet! And to think… he wants his stupid boy- what’s his name again, Drago, or something like that? Oh, whatever. He wants that Drago boy to be a Death Eater! I wouldn’t be able to find anyone LESS suited to being one! Not to mention the fact that he just opened the door when that teacher came to talk to him… said that she needed to talk about Drago’s marks in school, and was angry that Lucius had ignored her letters. He could have a least sent someone to tell me that a teacher was here! But no… he just ignores me as he always does, and so I go waltzing in there in just my bathrobe and slippers.”
“Quite a shock for that mudblood-lover though, wasn’t it?” the servant piped up from the fire.
Voldemort gave a soft laugh. “Yes, I don’t think she expected to see the most evil man on the planet in fuzzy pink slippers.”
The two chuckled for a moment.
“Yes, well,” the Dark Lord continued, now stretching his arms out behind him and yawning loudly. “It still wasn’t the best of times. Had to take her captive. There is no way she could’ve gone back. Sure screwed Malfoy over, though… everyone at the school knows that she disappeared at the Malfoy manner.”
“Lots of things disappear here, though, sir.”
“Yeah... especially the socks. I swear to god, if he doesn’t find my green pair soon, it’ll be the Crutacius!”
He slammed his fist down on the arm of the chair angrily, but soon a saddened look came to his face. A slow, painful tune played in the background.
“Peter, why am I not loved?
I am that rare and awesome thing.
I’ve every inch a king!
Yet I feel a twinge of doubt
As I go walk about.
When my name is whispered through the pride
Is this talk of love, or regicide?
Tell me I’m adored!
Please tell me I’m adored…”
The music stopped.
Wormtail just sighed. “Its all right sir, really. You can’t expect to be loved, with all the people you killed.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Voldemort shouted, stepping up from his seat, and pacing around the study. “Okay, so well, maybe I did. Its just that… it feels like hunger! A deep, pain in the pit of my stomach. Day after day it gnaws at the very core of my being.”
“I had that once. It was worms.”
“No, no, no! Its like an itch… deep, persistent, profound!” He emphasized that last word with a deep, rich voice.
“Yeah, sir, worms!”
“No! You ingrate… never mind. I give up.” He slumped back in his chair and looked around the room, his face long and pained.
“Oh, I can’t believe this!” He shouted suddenly, jumping up from his chair again. Womrtail gave a slight jerk as he started to scream. “Its not FAIR! ITS NOT FAIR!! I HATE DUMBLEDORE!!! HOW COME EVERYONE LOVES HIM? WHY IS HE SO GREAT?!?”
“Calm yourself, My Lord! Or you’ll get another one of your splitting headaches!”
The music started up again, only now it was a frenzied noise, reflecting the insane movements that Voldemort was now performing. He jumped around, his hands flying everywhere, eyes darting back and forth.
“I am perfectly FINE!
I'm better than Albus is!
I'm revered!
I am reviled!!”
He threw out his arms in anger.
“I'm idolized!
I am despised!!
I'm keeping calm,
I'm going wild!!”
Wormtail just looked at him as he ran around the room, singing to himself.
Voldemort continued, now singing to himself in very rushed, scared tones. The music in the background was getting faster and more crazy as he sang.
“I tell myself I'm fine!
Yes I am,
No you're not!
Yes I am,
no you're not!
I tell myself I'm fine!!
No you're not,
yes I am!
no you're not!
Yes I am!
No you're not!
Yes, no, yes, no, WHO AM I TALKING TO?!?!?!”
He jumped in the air and fell to the ground, panting.
“Calm yourself, my lord! Pull yourself together!” Wormtail yelled, running to his master.
Voldemort gave a slight sigh, then said in a perfectly normal tone: “Oh, very well.”
Wormtail shook his head, obviously annoyed, and sat down again at the fire, poking it with his wand. Voldemort sat back down in his chair, swinging his leg up over one of the arms. He sighed again, loudly and pointedly, and Wormtail rolled his eyes.
“Yes, sir, what is it?”
Voldemort started singing again, this time more depressed than ever.
“Nobody loved me, there's the pun!
Not even as a son!
What did Dumbledore have that I don't have?”
Wormtail coughed, starting to get annoyed with all of Voldemort’s self-pity.
“Do you want the short list or the long?” he asked sarcastically.
“Whatever!”
Wormtail, not having expected surviving that last statement, just stared open mouthed for a moment. Then he answered, cautiously
”Well, he had adoring students... a loving staff... a devoted queen...”
He added the last one sarcastically, just to mess around with Voldemort. He was surprised when his master jumped to his feet, looking positively delighted.
“That's it! I need a queen!” He shouted, his voice filled with hope and lust.
“A what?!?!” Wormtail asked, stunned.
“A queen, man! A queen! Without a queen, what am I? A dead end, no line, no descendants, no future. With a queen, I'll have… children... Immortality will be mine! Immortality will be mine!”
“Tom Riddle.” Came a cold voice.
Voldemort and Wormtail spun around to face the door. There was none other than Professor Minerva McGonagall, glaring at the two of them. Her hair was up in a tight bun, as always, but she slight red cuts around her face and wrist, where her wand had been taken from her forcibly.
“You sent for me, Tom?” she asked coldly.
“Ah, Minerva… Your timing couldn't have been more perfect. My…how you've grown.” He added, looking her up and down.
Wormtail’s eyes shot open. “N-no! Sir, what are you thinking?!?”
Voldemort started to pace around McGonagall, looking her over. He started to sing again, this time to a tango theme.
“She's got those assets feminine…”
“Sir, she’s a professor at Hogwarts!!”
Voldemort ignored him. “I have to make her mine!”
“She’s old!”
“Nobility in every gene!”
McGonagoll stared at him as he sang. “You-you can’t be serious!” she shouted.
“She has to be my queen!”
“They will find out where I went, and Dubledore will kill you!” McGonagall shouted, as Voldemort took her hands and preceded to tango with her around the room.
“Come, sweet Minerva,
It's written in the stars!”
“What are you doing? Are you listening to me?”
“We'll create a host of little- Toms…” He pulled her into a dip.
“What are you talking about?!?!” She stared at him, then burst into laughter.
“Tell me I'm adored!!” he ordered, pulling her into a tight embrace.
“Get away from me!!” She screamed, struggling to get free, but still laughing slightly.
He held her fast “Tell me I'm adore-“
He was cut off by McGonagall’s hand ripping across his face. He let go of her in surprise and grabbed his cheek. He held it there for a moment, not moving. McGonagall and Wormtail stood in fear, both amazed at what she had done. Voldemort paused for a moment, took his hand off his cheek, and walked slowly over to the two adults, who were cowering.
“Oh, Minerva...” he whispered, “you know how I loathe violence... One way or another, you will be mine!”
McGonagall was laughing again as he grabbed her wrist. “Never!” she giggled, “Never, Tom!”
“You belong to me!” he bellowed at her, “You all belong to me!”
At that moment, there was a knocking on the door to the study. Voldemort let go of McGonagoll, who was laughing hysterically by now.
“Answer it.” He commanded Wormtail, who then went running to the dor. He tepped out into the hallway for a moment. Voldemort turned to McGonagall, whom was still giggling freely.
“WHAT is so funny?” He nearly yelled. He had just been put down during his big number- this just didn’t seem right.
“Its just-giggle- you said.. you said you thought we could create-giggle- lots of little Toms, was it?” she burst into giggles again.
Voldemort blushed, something he didn’t do often. (Well, now that we are on that subject, let me just say that he also didn’t burst into song all too often, either, so you are very lucky to be reading this account of the one time he did! Now, back to the story.)
“Yes, and what is wrong with that?” He asked, his face getting redder by the minute.
McGonagall just giggled more. “Aside from the fact that the way you said it made me picture a bunch of mini-yous running around, I just found it funny you would pick ME to have children with.”
Voldemort stared at her. “And why is that so funny?!?”
“Well- in case you hadn’t noticed, I am rather old... and I don’t think it is entirely...” -she seemed to be searching for a word that wouldn’t sound too gross- “erm... possible... for me to still have children.”
Voldemort stared at her, his face completely blank.
“Oh.” He said simply, turned around, and sat down in his chair, his back straight.
McGonagall burst into new fits of laughter as Voldemort’s lip curled.
“Women...” he muttered.
~*~
Okay... that was a really weird story. Very weird. I know. Leave me alone. I have no idea why I wrote this.. or why I am even going to post it. It probably won’t even be posted… but I will try to get it posted, at least, because I can. Go freedom of press!!!