You arise before the sun is fully over the horizon – Ariana needs her breakfast. You know damn well that Aberforth won’t get up so early (he’s much too lazy), so the responsibility falls to you.
As you pull on your robes, you wish desperately that your mother was still here. She always took such good care of Ariana and Aberforth, despite their limits. She had always been such a strong figure, full of love for everyone. She never showed that, but you knew.
Why else would she care for your sister – a (you’ve always hated this term) magical invalid?
For that matter, why do you care for her?
Your mind attempts to fabricate a reason that involves caring for all magical beings, but it eventually simplifies itself. You love her. Imperfect and dangerous as she is, she is your sister.
You try to keep this thought in mind as she accidentally sets her bedpost on fire when you wake her. You douse the flames quickly with a flick from your wand and check to reassure yourself that she wasn’t harmed. She is perfectly fine. It’s yet another disaster that you’ve avoided.
You haven’t quite managed to avoid all of them, though. You did, after all, manage to miss out on one of the greatest adventures of your life due to unfortunate circumstances. But you have managed to avert these small, garden-variety disasters that Ariana seems to create daily with a certain ease.
You then help her dress and take her down to the kitchen where you make her porridge. It’s her favorite breakfast and you don’t mind making it for her, even though you’re not particularly fond of it. You’d much prefer something sweeter – a bun, perhaps – but life is easier when you make Ariana happy.
When she is finished, you take her bowl and clean it. Then you accompany her outside so that she can take her exercise: three laps around the enclosed yard.
Usually, she does more than that, but she seems tired and you don’t want her to be overexerted. Accidents – disasters, really - happen when she’s tired.
You walk around the garden with her, keeping a brisk pace. You don’t physically support her (she doesn’t need it), but you keep her company.
One.
Two.
Three.
It’s a lovely day and you wish that you could share it with her, but it’s best for everyone that she remains inside.
Your brother disagrees with you on this point and, indeed, there he is at the top of the stairs, yelling at you for your supposed insensitivity. Will he never learn? You do care for your sister; you’re just different from him. In fact, you find it more frustrating to deal with him every day than with Ariana.
As soon as you are certain that Ariana is comfortable in her room, you gather a few pieces of parchment along with a spare quill and head outside. Aberforth yells at you for this, too. He thinks that you’re abandoning the family. Nothing could be further from the truth. You merely cannot stay cooped up for that long without some sort of mental exercise. Being outdoors and speaking with Gellert helps keep you sane.
If you didn’t have such a form of release, you just might consider abandoning your two siblings.
In your heart of hearts, though, you know that you could never leave Ariana with Aberforth. Aberforth is too decidedly eccentric to trust for extended periods of time. You are reliable.
You sit down underneath your favorite tree that borders the cemetery with a little sigh. Gellert hasn’t arrived yet.
You wish that someday the world will be a place that accepts people who are like Ariana. Much as Aberforth doubts your intentions, you want her to experience life the way you have. You know that she is intelligent; she just can’t control herself. Her magic is simply too powerful. If only there was a way to harness it, she could be an exceptional witch. But, alas, there is not and she has been reduced to hiding in the safe confines of the house, far away from prying eyes.
You’ve told Gellert about this dream before, and he seems to agree. He doesn’t like the world. He claims that no one understands him, though, you do. You feel the same way.
No one, other than Gellert, understands what it’s like to be trapped in a situation with no mental stimulation or power to escape. You are caught in what feels like a hangman’s noose, only the hangman is the family that you love.
You feel very fortunate to have a friend.
The world is not a particularly kind place to you, right now. And it’s neither kind to Ariana nor to Aberforth. It’s not kind to Gellert. And it was certainly cruel with your parents.
You want to make the world a better place, better for everyone. It sounds frighteningly idealistic and implausible, but you know you can do it. Gellert is working with you now. Between the two of you, there is more intelligence (you say this somewhat humbly, though not really) than in most of the staff in Hogwarts and Durmstrang combined.
Together, the two of you could do such great things for the Magical world and its inhabitants. And the two of you would oversee this perfect specimen of a world for eternity because, with your combined intelligence and research, you are hatching a plot to remain immortal.
Immortality.
You wish that your mother had possessed it. Not only because you selfishly wish that you could escape, but because you loved her. You still do.
You love many people. You have, or rather, had many friends at school and you have your family.
But who loves you?
Aberforth may obey you, but he does not love you. He resents you instead.
Your friends, though sympathetic, were content enough with their own lives to leave you here, bereft of company. They may care about you, but they don’t love you.
Ariana might love you, you think with a smile. However, she cannot express her love. She would hurt herself or those around her if she tried.
What’s the point, you think, of being immortal if no one loves you?
There would be nothing, no one, for you to live for. And you would live forever.
Forever would be an awfully long time without returned love.
You shift uncomfortably on the uneven ground. Gellert is quite late. You very much want to talk to him, though you have no idea what you want to talk about. You miss his company.
Belatedly, you realize that Gellert also belongs on the list of people you love. But, does he love you?
You hesitate before answering. For an entire month, the two of you have shared ideas and dreams beneath this tree. Emotionally, you are closer to him than you are to anyone else. It seems as if he also cares about you. You would have said that he loves you, but he is late. It’s an insult not to be punctual without an excuse.
You wish that you could say that he loved you. You want someone who cares about you to return the feeling with the same intensity that you feel it.
You want a better life.
You know it sounds plaintive and simplistic, but it’s true. Life has been so unfair to you. You give so much to life, and it gives you so little in return.
If Gellert loved you, you think, that might balance life’s inequality. It wouldn’t even the scales, perhaps, but it would be a definite start.
Then, and only then, really, would you be pleased to be immortal. The two of you could rule this world and mold it into whatever you deem fit.
You lean your head back against the rough bark of the tree and look up into the foliage hanging above you.
If he loved you, the world, despite its glaring troubles, might be a little easier to bear.
If He Loved You by Indigoenigma
Story Notes:
Thank you, Suya, for being my fantastic beta once again.
Chapter Notes: This is written for Jenna, based off of her I Challenge Thee prompt.