I closed and opened my eyes slowly, drinking in the spring air and feeling the lush grass against my skin as I stared up at the blue, cloudless sky. It was so clear- and so beautiful. However, it had been five long, desolate years since I could appreciate such things as the weather. The way things were, I saw the sky as a haughty, blatant disregard for my feelings- for today was the second of May, 2003.
Five long years since he’d been gone. Five long years of Teddy’s childhood I’d wasted grieving. Even my own mum was no longer sympathetic of my loss. We’d had fight after fight recently- she claimed I should be over Remus by now, and should be focusing on making a good life for Teddy, like Remus would have wanted me to.
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
I was working, I had argued. At least I was providing for Teddy financially. I had, after all, gone back to my duties as an Auror as soon as I’d gone through what everyone considered the proper amount of time to grieve for a dead husband.
A murdered husband, I reminded myself bitterly. Dolohov killed him. It’s not like he died of an illness or anything like that.
As I remembered that fact, and the flash of green light I’d seen steal him so swiftly, the tears I tried to lock away began seeping out of the corners of my eyes. As I lay there, I closed my eyes and pictured his face. I could almost hear him talking to me again, in his slightly hoarse but incredibly gentle voice.
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
I could almost build the fantasy of him in my mind. I had always been good at imagining things, but never in such a serious way as I had since Remus had died. When I was child, I used my imagination to create amusements for myself, and later on to write short stories- now, I used to keep myself from spiralling down into the complete misery of life without Remus.
I focused on the sound of his voice, and the image of him I longed to see became clearer. There he was, standing right in front of me.
“Hello, Dora.”
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
“Remus!” I cried, sitting up. “You’re here!”
“Yes- I came because I saw you here… but why are you sitting here all alone?”
“It’s… pretty here,” I said, laying my head back down on the soft grass. “You should stay. You always liked fields like this. Remember how we were going to take a late honeymoon to Ireland, once the war ended?”
“Of course I remember,” he said, smiling at me.
I felt blinded by the light and happiness I felt in that single smile. “So you still want to go on our honeymoon? Can you stay? For how long?” I asked in a rush. “And why did you leave?”
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
“Please don’t think of that. You know I can’t stay long,” he said. “How’s Teddy? I miss him loads, even though it is a wonderful place, up there.”
I blinked back tears at the thought of what “up there” meant, and answered, “He’s… all right. Mum takes care of him. I- I guess I should do better… but God, Remus, he reminds me so much of you!”
“Please, Dora, take care of him. For me. You were so good at helping me after my transformations. Just think how good you would be at taking care of someone who only needs your love, and nothing else.”
“But I understood you! I always knew what to do for you… but I mean, mum takes care of Teddy… she’s good at it!” Tears were rolling freely down my cheeks now. “I can’t- I wouldn’t know what to do for him…”
“Oh, Dora. He’s our son. And heaven knows I know how incompetent you can be, what with the tripping and all-”
I choked back a laugh through my sobs.
“-But for the little time the two of us had together with Teddy, I knew you could handle being on your own with him. You were a natural mother.”
“THAT’S NO EXCUSE FOR LEAVING US!” I screamed at the empty field just beyond my still-closed eyelids.
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
But despite my outburst, his soothing voice was still there, in my mind, calming me down.
“Please… please remember the good… Think of our wedding day- when you tripped over the cake and it smashed right in Fleur’s face.”
I nodded and giggled a little at the memory, but the tears still streamed anyway. “Tell me more,” I whispered.
“The night I told you I loved you,” he murmured.
My mind flashed the scene through my mind- we had stood down by the lake at Hogwarts the terrible night Dumbledore had died. I had hauled off and slapped Remus across the face- hard. He had stood stunned, and then said it softly, but so very plainly and assuredly as he said it now-
“I love you.”
“I still love you too,” I said, even more softly than he had.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
But now I’m bound by the life you left behind
“Remus?” I asked, moments later.
“Hmm?” he answered.
“Is it wrong for me to still miss you? Even though this is an anniversary of- of the battle?” I said, unwilling to acknowledge ( at least not any more than necessary) this anniversary for the other thing it was the anniversary of- Remus’s death.
“Dora…” he said, sighing. “I still miss you, too… but you’re hurting Teddy too by missing me, and hurting you as well. Nothing good can come of more of this.”
“But- but I like hearing your voice still. Do I have to give that up too, if I stop missing you all the time?”
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
“I think that would be for the best.”
“But Remus-” I protested.
“You can’t spend all your free time living in a dream world, Dora. It just isn’t normal, and it’s not what I ever wanted for you.”
“I can’t! You’ll always be a part of me!”
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
“Dora, I know that, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But you can’t let that part of you where I am rule your life. You have to let go- at least a little. And besides, it’s been long enough. More than long enough.”
“I know… I have to take care of Teddy,” I said, lowering my head. “I know I’ve been doing a terrible job of it so far.”
“Yes, you have,” he said a little sternly. “But I know you’re going to do better. Because I know you, Dora. And I’m still watching, mind you.”
“I’ll help him, Remus. I really will. I’m going to try. Not that I haven’t been trying to get over you… but it’s just so hard! I’d rather I was the one who died.”
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
“Never say that,” he said firmly. “I can’t rest in peace until you’ll stop saying that. You worry me when you act like you’d rather be dead than live without me. You need to realise and appreciate just how much you have to live for.”
“I do, Remus, I do. At least, I do now. I think I do, anyway,” I said, uncertainly. “I do know you’re right- but God, I just can’t let you go yet!”
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
“But you have to,” he said with a bittersweet smile. “Goodbye, Dora. But don’t forget- I love you, so I’ll never really be gone. I’ll still be here, in your mind. I just won’t… consume you, the way I have. It’s time to let go.”
I held the image of him standing there for just a few more moments before my perfect picture faded away. “Goodbye, Remus,” I whispered, opening my eyes. With the brilliant sunlight came the realisation that had been lurking through my entire imagined conversation- I was still alone.
However, I knew the Remus that I knew so well was always there inside of me- it was that same one I’d just conjured up in my mind, and it had told me the same things the real Remus would have.
I’d been living in a dream world for five years. It was time to wake up and stop being selfish. I could lie inside my own feelings and feel so close to Remus- or I could share him with Teddy, and in turn see him in Teddy. I knew what any decent mother would do. I also knew that it was time to start being a decent mother to Teddy.
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I picked myself up off the moist ground and straightened my robes. I knew that Remus would still have almost all of me- but now it was Teddy’s turn to have the rest.
And as I turned to Apparate home, the sun didn’t seem quite so cruel and uncaring anymore.
Immortally Yours by Lunicle
Chapter Notes: All credits for characters go to JKR, and the song credits go to Evanescence. Also, I would like to thank Mugglenet for their high standards for fictions (they're easier to read if they are well-written). If I made it through the queue, I will be delighted.
Chapter Endnotes: Thank you for reading this story- if you are a Mugglenet member, I hope to see your review!