“You have got to be kidding me.” Tonks swore softly into her pillow, trying to block out the sound of Teddy crying in the next room. “I feel like I just fell asleep,” she muttered as she groped for her wand on the bedside table.
“Lumos,” she whispered, pointing the wand at the clock on wall. It showed ten-thirty p.m. “Ugh. I did just fall asleep. How about you feed him this time “ ha ha, lucky you, you don’t have breasts,” she said sardonically as she sat on the edge of the bed and fished around for her slippers. Not hearing the usual muffled response, she glanced over at Remus’ side of the bed. It was empty.
Tonks stared at it for a moment, perplexed, then glanced around the room. “Remus?” She knew he had come to bed shortly after she had “ indeed, he was nearly as worn out as she was these days by the demands of parenting a newborn. She padded out into the hallway and peeked her head into Teddy’s room. His cries became even more pronounced at the sight of her, and she quickly crossed over to his crib and picked him up. “Shhhh, little man, Mummy’s here,” she whispered as he snuggled into her chest and started gnawing on her collarbone. She gave him her knuckle to suck on. “In a minute,” she said. “We have to find where Daddy went.”
“Remus?” she said, louder this time as she walked past the empty bathroom and entered their combined kitchen and sitting room. She flicked her wand at the lamp in the corner, which sputtered for a moment before reflecting off the kettle on the stove and casting shadows at odd angles throughout the room. She had expected to see him sitting in his robe at the small table against the far wall, hands wrapped around a mug of tea. But there was no one there.
The clock on the wall ticked morosely, and the sound of a car door slamming made Tonks start. She moved over to the window and peeked outside. Of course it wasn’t Remus “ as far as she knew he had never been in a car, let alone driven one. There was no sign of movement from the street below.
Tonks turned away from the window and stood still for a moment, the fog in her brain clearing. “Remus?” she called again, turning around. There was no where else he could be; their flat was tiny, consisting of only the two bedrooms, a bathroom and the kitchen/sitting room in which she now stood.
She sat down on the sofa and began to nurse Teddy, who had given up on getting anything out of her knuckle. It was ten-thirty at night “ where could he have gone? He had recorded a PotterWatch show with Lee earlier in the evening, but had returned hours ago. It’s true he had been quieter than usual, but she wasn’t exactly a bubbling conversationalist these days either and she had just chalked it up to exhaustion. After a few weak attempts at tidying the flat, they had put Teddy down for what would hopefully be a few hours of sleep and had crawled into bed themselves.
Tonks cast her bleary eyes once more around the room, and this time they caught on something that hadn’t been present earlier in the evening “ a folded-up piece of parchment on the small kitchen table. Her eyes widened and her breath caught in her throat. “No,” she whispered. There was a sick feeling in her stomach that had nothing to do with the lack of sleep. “No,” she repeated. “Not again.”
She detached Teddy unceremoniously from her breast, ignoring his loud protests, and crossed the room to where the note sat amidst the unwashed dinner dishes, which she had been too tired to even scourgify. Gingerly, she picked up the note, then made a convulsive movement and dropped it back on the table as if it had burned her hands. She took a step back, her heart pounding, still staring at the folded parchment.
It’s just a note, explaining where he is, she told herself. Pick it up and read it.
But what if …
No, she shook her head. He wouldn’t do this to you again.
Would he? What if it was the same note she had awoken to a few days after Bill and Fleur’s wedding “ the same excuses, the same baseless concerns for her safety, the same protestations she had been fighting against ever since she first set eyes on her beloved Remus? She had honestly believed he had put those fears behind him when he came back, but what if …?
No, she could not read it. She could not bear to see those words again. Thoughts of what her life would be like without Remus began to swirl around in her head “ thoughts she had hoped she would never have to think again. How could she possibly go on without him? Before Remus, she had considered herself an independent woman. She had dated, casually, but preferred the freedom that singlehood provided. That all ended the day they sat next to each other at her first Order meeting. Her love for him had become so strong, so overwhelming, that she found herself completely devoted to him “ and completely intertwined with him. She was no longer just Tonks; she was one with Remus, and the possibility that half of herself had just walked away for the second time ripped through her like a physical pain. Her breath started to come in deep, quick gasps as she fought to hold back the hysteria that welled up within her. She caught a glimpse of the tips of her hair flashing every colour of the rainbow as her morphing abilities were carried along by the tidal wave of emotion that swept her.
She crumpled onto the sofa, her body bent over Teddy, who “ oblivious to the world crumbling around him “ had reattached himself to the breast and was munching contentedly. Her mind was whirling “ was it something she had done? Or did he still honestly believe that she and Teddy would be better off without him? Hadn’t she proven over and over again that the poverty, the danger, and the scorn they faced didn’t matter to her? Didn’t he realize that she would rather die than be without him?
Teddy’s weight in her arms was the only comfort left to her, the only thing that held her together “ a tiny, fragile link to sanity. She watched as his eyelids drooped and closed, but she did not take him back to his crib. Instead, she held onto him for dear life, fearing that if she let him go she would dissolve into nothingness.
She tried not to look in the direction of the note, but it kept drawing her gaze like some morbid spectacle. She knew she should read it “ at least then she would know for certain if her life was to become utterly void of meaning … but she could not bring herself to even touch it. And so she sat, wide-eyed and terrified, curled up in a corner of the sofa, and did nothing.
When green flames burst into the fireplace, the shock was so great she temporarily forgot to breathe. As the man in the fireplace stopped spinning, she laid Teddy down beside her and stood up, staring as if she couldn’t believe her eyes.
“You …,” she started.
Remus looked at her quizzically. “Of course it’s me “ who were you expecting?”
“You came back,” she finished. “You didn’t leave me.”
“I didn’t “ what?” Remus looked shocked, quickly crossing the room and grabbing Tonks by the shoulders. He crouched down and looked into her eyes. “You thought I had left you?”
Tonks buried herself in his arms and didn’t reply for a moment, breathing in his scent, his warmth, his presence. “I woke up,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest, “and you were gone … and there was a note … just like last time.” She felt his shoulders slump at those words.
“My love …” he whispered. “I am so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I didn’t even think … but didn’t you read the note?”
Tonks shook her head. “I should have, I know … but I was too scared of what it might say. I just couldn’t do it, and then my imagination ran away with me and I started thinking all sorts of horrible things …. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “This is my fault “ of course that’s what you would think “ if I could run out on you when you were expecting our child, why wouldn’t I do it now?” Remus’ voice was thick with remorse. “But you have to believe me,” he said earnestly, pleading. “I will never, ever leave you again.” His voice cracked as he rested his chin on the top of her head.
At this Tonks managed a watery smile. “I know,” she said quietly. “It’s just … well, they say time heals all wounds, and I guess it hasn’t been enough time for me yet. You just need to keep reminding me that you’re here for the long haul.”
Remus sat down on the sofa, careful not to wake the sleeping Teddy, and pulled Tonks onto his lap. “I will remind you of that every minute of every day, until you’re sick of me,” he said, kissing the top of her forehead. “I’m going to be there for Teddy’s first steps, and for the first steps of all his little brothers and sisters, and we’ll see them off to Hogwarts together, and then, when we have the house to ourselves …” With this he began kissing the nape of her neck, but then looked up and fixed her with a solemn gaze. “Believe me, Tonks, I’m with you until the end.”
She nodded silently, leaning against him. There was a pause while they looked at each other, then Tonks asked, “So where were you, anyway?”
He swore softly. “I almost forgot “ I need to hurry. I was at the Burrow; there was an emergency meeting of the Order “”
“Why didn’t you wake me?” Tonks asked indignantly. “I’m in the Order!”
“Because you haven’t slept in three days,” answered Remus firmly, “and so I thought I’d see what was going on and let you get some sleep. Listen,” he continued. “Something is happening at Hogwarts “ we’re not sure of the details yet, but we need to be ready for anything. I need to go, and quickly,” he said, quelling her imminent protests with a raised hand. “You have just given birth “ no one expects you to come. You need to stay with Teddy. Take him and go to your mum’s “ that way you can wait for news together.”
“But “ what’s happening at Hogwarts? Is it him?” she asked, concern creasing her face.
“I don’t know,” he answered, his forehead creasing. “Go to your mum’s and I’ll send word as soon as I can.”
Tonks stood and watched as he stepped back into the fireplace and disappeared in a whirl of green flame. She picked up the sleeping Teddy and was about to step into the fireplace when her eye fell once again on the piece of parchment she had been so afraid to read. She picked it up and opened it to reveal Remus’ fine handwriting.
T “
Gone to Burrow “ will be back shortly. You looked so peaceful
I didn’t want to wake you. Try to get some more sleep! I’ll tidy
up when I get back.
- Remus
P.S. Although these are sad and uncertain days, I have never been happier. I love you. Kiss Teddy for me.
Tonks smiled at the note, and kissed the top of Teddy’s head. “That’s from Daddy,” she whispered, before stepping into the fireplace and disappearing into the flames.
Time Heals All Wounds by Sarajevo
Story Notes:
Takes place just before the Battle of Hogwarts. This is my first fic, so I’m looking for honest critiques of both style and substance. Originally written for a fic challenge on LJ.