“I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.”
- Shakespeare “Twelfth Night” -
Several days passed inside the cottage in the slumbering winter woods. At first, while the storm blew and lay snow across the branches and the already white blanketed ground, Tonks found comfort in her old room. She woke, ate, and read by the fireplace. She chatted with her dad while the winter winds whipped outside the ice covered windows. While she rested, Tonks tried to evade the one person she was not eager to talk with and not eager to see.
Her mother’s presence in the small cottage caused Tonks to flit like a shadow from the rooms where Andromeda dwelt. When she heard Andromeda coming, Tonks would slip from the room and seal herself away in another corner of the house. When Tonks and her mother had to be together, Tonks answered all her mother’s questions in brief, clipped ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘fine,’ which would be met by a wrinkle in Andromeda’s forehead. Today, Tonks crept from her room and made her way down to the living room.
She rubbed the window and covered her eyes when the sun glared off the snow. ‘The storm must have stopped during the night,’ Tonks thought as she rubbed the fog off the glass pane so she could look into the forest that glittered like it had been covered with diamonds instead of snow.
Turning away from the window, Tonks reached to finger one of the bulbs, but as she touched the shiny, metallic surface, one of the pine needles sliced her finger. Yanking her hand away, Tonks stuck her finger in her mouth and sucked on it to stop the bleeding. Then, Tonks pulled out her wand and tapped the branches on the tree that stood in front of most of the glass pane and took up a good portion of the tiny, low ceilinged room. When her wand tapped the branches, the little lights placed across the tree flared to life and twinkled like little candles that had come to rest on the tree branches. The lights made the silver tinsel and golden beads draped across the branches shimmer like real gold and silver hidden in the deepest vaults of Gringotts. Tonks stared into one of the blue bulbs before she turned away and walked into the kitchen to put water on to make hot chocolate.
While she searched for her mug, Tonks missed the footsteps that announced the entrance of Andromeda into the kitchen. “Would you mind making me a glass, too?” Andromeda asked, and the request almost caused Tonks to drop a mug. ‘It figures my fool dad put off shopping until Christmas Eve,’ Tonks thought as she realized why her mother probably sought her company. She sighed and pulled another mug from the cupboard. ‘It was foolish to think I could avoid her forever,’ Tonks thought dryly as she dumped some cocoa into the two mugs.
“Could you find the marshmallows? I think they’re somewhere in the pantry,” Andromeda asked Tonks, who turned and flung open the pantry door.
‘Damn things have to be here somewhere,’ Tonks thought as she shifted aside cans and bags. Finally, in the back, Tonks spotted the half-opened bag of marshmallows. Tonks pulled them out and dumped several into each mug. “Been gone so long you forget where they were? But you never did have a domestic touch,” Andromeda commented as Tonks poured the water.
“Funny, I wanted to ask you the same question,” Tonks snapped as she set her mother’s mug down in front of her. Tonks picked up her own mug and went to retreat into the living room.
“I think it’s a good thing you came home. You don’t look well,” Andromeda commented, and Tonks sighed and turned around to face the woman still sitting at the table.
“Why did you come home? Did you finally feel guilty? Maybe you got ill?” Tonks asked Andromeda.
Her mother shrugged and replied, “No, I just woke up one morning and realized I wanted to see my family again. I never stopped loving you and Teddy, you know.”
Tonks snorted and stalked back into the kitchen. She slammed her mug down on the table and said, “Really? Did you just wake up one morning and decide you didn’t want a family, too?”
“I married right after I left school. I was seventeen when I married. I always wanted to travel, and so I did,” Andromeda replied as she stood up to meet her daughter’s eyes. “I traveled around the world and served as a specialist to various ministers. When I read a paper about what was happening back here, I realized I wanted to come home.”
Tonks scowled and turned away from her mother. As she tried to escape to the living room, Andromeda followed her and said, “You never change your appearance any more. I have barely heard a sentence from you since you entered this house. You came home and threw up all night because you were so drunk! What kind of behavior is that from a young woman?”
Tonks spun on her heel and faced her mother. Her voice began to rise as she said, “Are you talking about my behavior? Let’s talk about how many of those ministers you slept with while getting your jollies “ ”
“Nymphadora! I never slept with anyone! I never felt anything for anyone except your father!” Andromeda shouted, and she stalked across the distance between her and Tonks. With a quick flick of her wrist, Andromeda slapped Tonks across her cheek. “I never stopped loving you. I never stopped loving Teddy! I just “ ”
“You’re full of shit!” Tonks spat as she sprinted for the door. She slipped on her boats and rushed outside. The light bounced into her eyes and blinded her, but she ran through the drifts that were higher than her knees. Tonks jogged into the woods, knocking snow off the underbrush. As she passed through, the snow from low hanging branches fell on Tonks, but after a while, she stopped running.
“I hate you!” Tonks screamed. The forest swallowed her hate filled screams. “I hate you, mum!” Tonks shouted again, but the snow seemed to take the sound directly from her mouth and bury it like did the trees.
“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” Tonks screamed again through blue lips. She clenched her hands into fists and smashed them into the nearest small tree. The snow exploded off the branches and flew at Tonks like a swarm of tiny, attacking insects.
Even in her rage, the bright, shiny woods remained in a winter slumber. When Tonks’s rage subsided, she stood alone in the dazzling, white forest and stared around her. ‘I just hate everyone, don’t I?’ Tonks thought bitterly as she rubbed her stinging red hands together to bring warmth back into them.
‘I told Remus I hated him, too,’ Tonks remembered the warm day in July when she had chased Remus out of an Order meeting. ‘I really had no reason to blame him for running from me after what happened the last time we met,’ Tonks recalled in hindsight. ‘Of course, I never intended to let him go without a fight, either.’
Remus left the meeting first, and she knew he was trying to get away before they could speak. She cut across the room and sprinted after him as she stalked down the yard. She shouted the question at him before he could cross the Apparation boarder. ‘Why did you take that mission?’
Remus turned around, and his hesitation gave her time to come face to face with him. ‘You said “ ’
‘I might as well put my particular situation to good use,’ Remus cut off Tonks’s protest. Tonks took a defensive stance and crossed both of her arms.
‘That’s all well and good, but I’m sure there’s plenty of things to do here,’ Tonks retorted. ‘You have other useful abilities, you know.’
Remus pursed his lips. ‘You put your unique talent to its best use, and I intend to do something good with this curse.’
His response angered her. ‘Stop thinking of yourself as damaged,’ Tonks snapped back at him. It hadn’t been a diplomatic response, and she wasn’t surprised that he seemed to become even more frigid and unyielding.
‘I suggest you keep yourself busy. There shouldn’t be a lack of anything to do,’ Remus tried to change the topic, but Tonks knew he was just trying to leave.
‘I don’t think of you as damaged. You’re more than your curse,’ Tonks hollered, and then, Remus grabbed her by the arm and drug her behind the Burrow’s shed so they couldn’t be seen. Tonks scowled and said, ‘Are you afraid I’ll make a scene?’
Remus shook his head and remained silent, but Tonks found she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. ‘You made up that mission yourself as an excuse to run away. You presented it to the Order today! Why can’t you change your mind?’
‘Because I’m responsible, ‘ Remus hissed through clenched teeth. ‘I’m not a child, Tonks. I told them I was going to do this, and I plan to go through with it.’
‘Is that what I am, a child? Is that the problem, then? Do you think you’re too old for me?’ Tonks spat back at Remus. She felt her mouth quivering into weird comportments between a grimace and a frown.
‘Forget this. Go and find yourself someone younger and whole,’ Remus murmured.
Tonks felt her heart leap up in her chest. ‘I don’t want someone else. I’ve been with plenty of young, whole people, but I want you,’ Tonks replied, and as she spoke, she couldn’t keep herself from talking louder and faster as if every sentence would be her last sentence to Remus.
‘I’ve seen more than you could imagine,’ Remus replied in a low voice. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about when you say what you want. You don’t have enough experience to know.’
That answer grated like nails scraping across metal. ‘Experience? I’ve slept with plenty of those young, whole boys, and I know that’s more experience than you’ve had,’ Tonks shot back with what she knew was a low blow, but her answer had the desired effect on Remus. Now, he seemed to be getting genuinely upset, and Tonks hoped he might say what she desperately wanted to hear.
‘You are a silly child,’ Remus snapped through clenched teeth. ‘You are a silly child that needs to realize how the world works. I am cursed. That’s not negotiable, and I think you should move on with your life.’
‘But I don’t want to move on without you,’ Tonks murmured, but when she stepped towards Remus, he moved away and went to leave.
‘I suggest you grow up and realize you do not get what you want,’ Remus replied stiffly as he turned and strode towards the Apparation boundary.
As he walked away, Tonks shouted, ‘I hate you, Remus!’
Her voice had echoed across the lawn that day, unlike in the snowy woods, where the slumbering forest swallowed her venomous cries.
The numbness in Tonks’s body brought her out of her reveries. ‘What a fool I am, leaving the house without a coat’ Tonks thought as she tried to stop her clattering teeth. She looked around at the long, purple shadows and realized twilight crept upon the forest while she stood dumbly in her reveries. With stiff, freezing limbs, Tonks retraced her path back towards her childhood home.
When she slipped through the door, the scenes of the battle zone that day seemed as silent as the woods outside. Tonks sat on the couch and pulled a blanket around her body and tucked her legs under it because they were wet and numb. The only light left in the room came from the glittering Christmas tree. Tonks stared at the colorful bulbs that seemed to have turned into little, multi-colored suns in the darkness. Tonks’s face reflected back, warped and bulbous, from the surface of every colored bulb.
Tonks turned when she heard someone entering the room. Andromeda approached, and she halted a couple feet from Tonks and held out a mug. “I made some hot chocolate for you. Is it okay if I take a seat?”
Tonks deftly nodded as she took the mug offered to her. Tonks let the heat warm her frozen hands while Andromeda took a seat beside her. The two sat in silence as Tonks began to feel the numbness leaving her limbs. ‘Is she going to say anything?’ Tonks wondered. ‘She always has something to say.’
When the clock chimed eleven, Tonks stirred and turned towards her mother. “How did you and dad get together? I mean, how did he get you to fall in love with him?”
To her surprise, Andromeda laughed. Tonks began to sip her hot chocolate while her mother said, “It wasn’t your father who was interested in me. It was me that convinced him that we should go out, and finally, be together.”
Tonks raised an eyebrow and cocked her head. “I never imagined that, mum. I guess I thought, because of you being who you were, it would have worked out differently.”
Andromeda finished sipping her hot chocolate. “You thought I was a snob? Is it because I was a Black?”
Tonks shrugged as she rubbed her feet together to take away the remaining cold in her toes. “I guess so, but I always thought I was more like dad.”
“I see,” Andromeda said as she placed a hand on Tonks’s knee. “I suppose it would do you no comfort to know you’re like me, and in many ways, I guess you’re not. You were always more spontaneous, like your father, and never seemed to care as much for tradition and propriety. You were a little tom boy growing up, too, and it didn’t surprise me to learn you became an Auror.”
Tonks shrugged, glad for her mother’s extra warmth to help her chilled, wet body. “Keep telling me about how you and dad met,” Tonks asked again in a soft voice as she leaned against her mum’s shoulder.
Andromeda set her mug down on the floor while Tonks continued to sip her drink. “I went to Hogwarts, as you know, and was sorted into Slytherin like the rest of my family. Now, Sirius hadn’t gone to school yet, so there was no reason to think that anyone with the name Black would not be in Slytherin. Even though I was the eldest, I never really acted like it. I was a shy, quiet girl, and even though I never was in the bad graces of the other Slytherin students, I was never in their inner circle.”
Andromeda paused, and Tonks leaned to look at her mother’s face. Andromeda’s eyes were transfixed upon one of the many Christmas tree bulbs, and Tonks realized she wasn’t waiting for her daughter to say anything. Andromeda remained lost in the far away world of her school years where the world still held so many choices before her.
Finally, Andromeda continued to speak in a whisper. “I met your father in classes. He was loud, boisterous, and always had a crowd of people around him. He wasn’t necessarily charismatic, but his honesty had a way of putting people at ease. I found I was curious and attracted to someone, well, that was fun to be around. Of course, he was in Hufflepuff, so it took forever for me to finally get him to say anything but quick one word answers to me.”
“How’d you manage it?” Tonks asked as Andromeda reached over and absentmindedly started to stroke Tonks’s hair.
“I’m not sure,” Andromeda muttered, “I guess I was very persistent, and I was in Slytherin for a reason. I was a clever, cunning girl, and I would think of ways and barter favors so I could get closer to Teddy. At some point, he began to think I was worth his time, and we began secret friends.”
Tonks set her mug down and rested her head on Andromeda’s lap. “So you both liked each other, but neither of you wanted to admit it? How did you get him to realize he liked you? How did you go from friends to marriage?” Tonks asked her mother in a whisper.
Andromeda continued to stroke Tonks’s lank, wet hair. “I can’t say how it happened, really, but when we had the moment that we realized we were more than just friends, your father resisted for a while. Eventually, I convinced him it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him. I promised him all types of things, and I told him we could elope. He didn’t have to meet my family, and it might have been my eagerness to get disinherited that really convinced him I was serious.”
Tonks sighed and continued to stare at her round face in one of the blood red bulbs. “So it just . . . happened? I mean, what did you say to him?”
“Nymphadora, I don’t remember the exact words, but it worked. I didn’t regret any of it for a long time. After the war, I realized I had given up my dreams for the family I loved so much. I had a baby when I was eighteen. You, though, you went out and did everything you wanted to do when you were young.”
Tonks sighed and turned her head to look up at her mum’s face. “It’s not enough,” Tonks whispered, and she found she couldn’t say anything else because of the lump in her throat. Andromeda sighed and smoothed her thumb across Tonks’s forehead.
“Teddy and I will never disinherit you. You know you can always come home to us,” Andromeda muttered as mother and daughter locked eyes. Tonks, though, sighed and turned away to fix her gaze upon the shimmering tree. ‘It’s so bright,’ Tonks thought as she blinked a passing mist out of her eyes.
Andromeda stroked her daughter’s long, mouse brown hair. “Dear, you can love whoever you want. I don’t care if you’re in love with a cave troll.”
Tonks sat up before she fixed her gaze back on her mum’s face. “Mum, it’s not a cave troll. It’s almost as complicated, though.”
Andromeda’s lips twitched up into a small smile. “It figures you would never love someone simple,” Andromeda murmured as she picked up the two mugs that sat on the floor. “House elf? Centaur? Giant?”
Tonks almost laughed, but she found she still did not have the ability to be joyful. “He’s human all except one night a month,” Tonks frowned as she told her mum the news. However, Andromeda only sighed and stood up.
“I’m going to bed,” Andromeda replied in a gentle whisper, “but it’s nice to have you home for Christmas.” Andromeda kissed the top of Tonks’s head before she turned to leave the room.
On her way out, she turned around and said, “This man of yours, don’t give up on him. If you love him, he’ll come back.”
Tonks let her mum walk out of the room without another word. She sat in the room lit by the soft lights of the tree while she listened to her mum put things away before walking upstairs to sleep. While Tonks sat staring unthinkingly at the tree, she realized how wet she still was, so she found a pillow and another blanket and lay down on the couch. She curled up to make herself small inside the thick blankets.
The lights on the tree twinkled like stars on a dark night, and they seemed just as far away as stars to Tonks. ‘I wonder if the stars are out tonight,’ Tonks thought. ‘The storms passed, so maybe the stars are out now. I wonder if he’s star gazing. Maybe he’s only tree gazing, too.’
Tonks sighed as she watched the lights illuminate the tree and turn simple, gaudy bead, tinsel, and bulbs into planets, shining galaxies, and bright, streaking tails of comets as they shot across the sky. As she stared at the lights, she began to stare past them. ‘If you love him, he’ll come back,’ Tonks thought of her mother’s words.
‘There was a moment when I thought it would work,’ Tonks remembered as she stared through the Christmas decorations to see a time long past. It had been after Sirius’s death, and she met up with Remus to hold an impromptu funeral for Sirius. They had no body to bury, so they put a little cross in the ground and said a couple of sentences.
It had been Tonks’s idea to go back to her place to have a drink for old time’s sake. ‘It’s the way I remember Sirius,’ Tonks had told Remus, who had agreed when she said that to him. They Apparated back to Tonks’s apartment, and she pulled out some of the best alcohol she had on hand.
She poured the spirits, and they sat in silence and drank for a while. The buffer that had been Sirius was now gone, and at first, neither of them knew how to deal with the absence. Finally, they got to chatting about what each of them were going to do now that things were changing after Voldemort’s return had become official.
‘I suppose I’ll go on a bunch of missions,’ Tonks commented. ‘I mean, what else am I going to do? I’m an Auror, after all, and I hate desk work.’
‘I think I’ve had enough of missions,’ Remus replied. ‘I saw my fair share in the last war.’
They had more drinks and began to talk about what other people were going to do. In the mass of other people they talked about, Remus asked, ‘What about your family? What are they going to do now? Do they think they’re in danger?’
‘I don’t think so, and my mum deserves to be a bit anxious. I hate my mum. She goes away for most of my life, and now, she comes back and expects everything to be okay? And my dad, he just forgives her,’ Tonks ranted as she finished one of her drinks.
‘My mum is dead, and I haven’t spoken to my father for fifteen years,’ Remus muttered in reply. Tonks met his eyes and simply shook her head.
‘I didn’t know,’ Tonks muttered as she passed Remus the wine bottle. ‘It sounds like you hate your dad, and I hate my mum.’
After he poured himself another glass. Remus grinned and said, ‘It seems like we both have an Oedipus complex.’
They both laughed until they cried. Then, they couldn’t stop laughing, and everything so terrible and wrong seemed funny. When she heard a crack of thunder, Tonks’s head snapped up and looked outdoors. It had begun to rain, and Tonks giggled and said, ‘Let’s go play in the rain! Come on! It’ll be fun!’
Tonks pulled Remus out of his chair. The pair raced outside into the downpour, and Tonks laughed and danced around in circles. Then, she dipped down and splashed water from a puddle into Remus’s face. He laughed and leaned down to return the favor. They splashed each other until Tonks took off running, and Remus followed her.
They played a two-person game of tag in the warm, summer shower. When they were both out of breath and completely soaking wet, Tonks laughed and skipped over to where Remus stopped to catch his breath.
She flung her arms around his waist, and in the pouring rain, she pulled herself close to his body. She felt him breathing as she leaned against him and felt his warmth through his soaked clothes. He wrapped his arms around her, and she heard his beating heart as they stood together like two living statues.
Finally, Remus dropped his arms, and Tonks pulled away from his embrace just enough to look up into his eyes. What she had suspected for a while was written across his face. She smiled as she read the wondering look in his eyes. ‘Yes, it’s real,’ Tonks remembered the words she said.
With that sentence, though, she broke the trance. Remus pulled away from Tonks and said, ‘I’ll take you back to your apartment.’
He did not speak or look at her while they walked back to Tonks’s doorstep. As she walked up the first step, Tonks felt the moment slipping through her fingers like fine sand. She turned to Remus and asked, ‘Come and finish the bottle with me.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ Remus replied and pursed his lips like he would do so many times after that when they fought.
Tonks tried again. ‘Please, Remus, for old time’s sake.’
Remus only shook his head and said, ‘Good bye.’
Tonks now saw the tree lights again, but it was through misty eyes. She buried her head in the pillow to stop the possible onslaught of tears. ‘It’s stupid for me to cry again after all these months. I’ve cried all the tears I have left in my body,’ Tonks thought bitterly as she turned her head back around to look at the tree.
The clock chimed midnight. Tonks turned her head towards it, and looked at the two aligned hands. ‘It’s Christmas,’ Tonks realized and sighed aloud. ‘What a way to spend Christmas.’
“Merry Christmas, Remus,” Tonks muttered to the empty room as the clock continued to chime. ‘I don’t hate you, I love you,’ Tonks sent her thoughts out across the stars to someone who she suspected was as miserable as she was.