Cybele was sobbing silently in her armchair in the library, replaying the scene from the afternoon in her mind, not believing it had really happened. How could she have panicked like that? What was wrong with her? She replayed it in her head once more, thinking of what she could have done, what she should have said, to Eslis, to Draco, and how she should have stood up for her friend.
She would never be able to face anybody now. She needed to leave Hogwarts. She had lost all of her friends; Caroline, Fred, George, and she would lose Lee too when he found out; they would never forgive her. Eslis would be willing to forgive her, probably, but she did not deserve it. How could she have done that? She punched the armchair with her tiny fists, her face burning hotter with shame and angry tears as she recalled her stupid reaction. And how could Draco, her ever-charming friend, be so mean? But she could not think long about him without feeling more desperately ashamed of herself.
When the lights went off and the library door snapped shut, she did not move. She cried herself to sleep under the moonlight on the couch.
The library was open when she woke up on Monday morning. Everything came back in a rush when she realised that it had all not been a nightmare. Anger at herself filled her stomach like poisonous acid and desperation came back at once. She felt exhausted and hungry. Not feeling that she deserved food, she hugged herself and started thinking about her options. She could not erase what had been done; she could not erase people’s memories or travel in time, so she was left with flying away, she concluded dramatically.
She stayed like that for hours until a flicker in the light made her look up. Professor Snape was standing between the two literature rows. Her first thought was gratitude. Professor Snape had come for her. It couldn’t be a coincidence. He knew it was her spot; he must have been watching over her much more closely then she had imagined.
‘You have missed my class this morning, Miss Philius,’ he said in a cold voice. ‘Are you under the impression that you are allowed to miss classes and linger in the library instead?’
‘No, Professor.’
‘Everybody is looking for you. You have seriously disturbed the school.’
‘I’m sorry, Professor. Tell them I am here and that I will be gone soon.’
‘Gone?’
‘Yes, I will leave Hogwarts, Sir. Thank you for your help.’
‘If you think this is the best course of action,’ Snape stated simply and he turned on his heels and left.
Cybele realised, however, that he had simply let another person take his place. Caroline had come.
‘Cybele, thank Merlin you’re here! We were all so worried!’
‘You were?’ asked Cybele, puzzled.
‘Cybele, the moment I saw you disappear I knew it meant you were really ashamed of what you had done… Oh my, you’ve been crying all this time, you look dreadful.’
‘I am dreadful! The exterior is just starting to reflect the inner me!’
Caroline actually smiled and Cybele looked at her, puzzled.
‘You really are regretting it, poor you. I’m not saying you don’t deserve it, mark my words! But I was afraid you’d turned into some sort of monster. So what happened?’
‘I don’t know. I panicked. It was pathetic and nasty, I don’t know. Sometimes it just happens like that, I’m evil, I can’t control it. Everybody must hate me.’
‘Well, I did when I saw what you did, but I don’t anymore when I see how sorry you are. And you are not evil; evil people don’t spend their night crying because they hurt a House-Elf’s feelings.’
‘I was not even crying for that – not only – mostly because I’ve lost all my friends now.’
‘It’s the same thing. Look, you will just have to explain to the others.’
‘Oh, to all of Hogwarts!’
‘Come on, Cybele, all Hogwarts doesn’t even know or care what happened.’
‘Yes, but Ben does, so all the second-year Ravenclaws must know, and Fred, George and Lee… And Eslis, he must be so disappointed!’
‘Well, yes, I suppose you will have to speak to all of them. But would you rather do that, or get lost in the Muggle world?’
‘Can’t I just stay on this couch for the rest of my life?’
‘Why don’t you start with Ben and the others, they will be at their usual table soon.’
‘Will you come with me?’
‘I think not, you ought to do that yourself. But I’ll tell you what. In the meantime, I will go and try to convince Eslis to listen to you.’
Cybele groomed her appearance vaguely and walked up to the usual Ravenclaw table where she sat awkwardly. The second-years arrived a quarter an hour later for their pre-dinner session.
‘Well, it looks like we’ll have to find another table,’ she heard Cho declare loudly.
It took all of Cybele’s will not to panic again and shrink in her chair.
‘No, please would you hear me? I’m sorry,’ she said facing them all standing up.
‘Well, have you said that to the poor creature?’ asked Ben.
‘I will. My friend is looking for him; I wanted to explain to you first. Please?’
Her classmates took their usual chairs around her, in a tense atmosphere.
‘I don’t know what took me and I have no excuse at all for what I did. Eslis, this House-Elf is my friend. He was my first friend at Hogwarts, he was the first, well, he’s been there for me in difficult times. He should be the first person I stand for.’
Her friend’s expressions softened slightly as they remembered Cybele’s arrival circumstances. Her parents, after all, were supposed to have disappeared.
‘And I have no excuses whatsoever for running away from him, it was a mad moment. But I am deeply sorry and I’m going to make it up to him.’
Now her House-mates looked sorry and sort of ashamed for her, she thought.
‘I would understand if you don’t want me around anymore.’
‘Hey, we’re a House,’ Pete came weakly.
‘Yeah and I can tell you were upset, I was there’ said Ben in a self-convincing tone.
‘I told you that Malfoy boy was no good,’ Cho added with dark satisfaction.
‘Yeah, he’s going to hear about it. I know I acted just as bad as him but I’m afraid he doesn’t regret it at all. He is going to hear me, loud and for the last time.’
‘Bravo!’ cried Cho, ‘I thought you’d never see the light!’
‘I really feel dreadful. Thank you for not shutting me out, guys.’
‘Hey, everybody can make a mistake. I suppose it’s hanging around with this Malfoy boy has tainted you. You’re going to go back to normal now,’ Archie said kindly.
‘Yeah, and you will never abandon me before a match again, Mascot!’ Ben added.
‘How did it go?’
‘I was a total failure. Cho saved the day though; Slytherin won, but by only ten points, thanks to her catch. This girl is Ravenclaw’s hero today!’ he said giving a one arm squeeze to Cho. ‘See, we need our mascot!’
‘Cybele!’ Caroline had return. ‘You can see Eslis in our common room now if you want to.’
‘Of course I want to,’ cried Cybele, feeling boosted by her fellow Ravenclaw’s prompt forgiveness. They gave her an approving look.
‘Don’t mess it up! We’ll have a victory to celebrate this summer and we’ll want Butterbeer!’ Ben joked.
Cybele gave a weak smile to the weak joke but felt grateful. Maybe it was not all such a drama after all.
Cybele always felt comfortable in the Hufflepuff common room. The place was warm and welcoming.
She felt a burning rush of shame, acid filling her stomach all over again when she spotted Eslis near by a fire. She was crimson red when she approached him.
‘Eslis.’ But as the stout Elf turned to see her, she started crying, hiccupping pathetic apologies.
‘Miss Cybele must not cry, please you stop!’ cried the Elf, frightened.
‘E-e-slis, I was so horrible, can you ever forgive me? I went away; I left you with these horrible boys.’
‘Please you not cry Miss Cybele, Eslis understands, you is shy.’
‘That’s not an excuse!’
‘But Miss would not have known what to do, Miss, the Slytherin boy is your friend, Miss.’
‘Was, Eslis, how could I still think of him as a friend! I should have defended you, Eslis, you are my friend.’
‘Yes,’ came Eslis, seeming to want Cybele to grab some obvious fact. Cybele had expected anything but for Eslis to be so… pedagogical. ‘That is it. Eslis is Cybele’s friend. And Mr Malfoy is Cybele’s friend.’
‘No, he is not!’
‘Yes, Miss doesn’t have a choice. That is why Miss run away, because you cannot say was.’
‘Was?’
‘You cannot say he was my friend, Miss Cybele, you is unable to choose, yesterday, between your two friends. It is difficult, for your kind.’
‘Eslis, you are trying to give me excuses, but you don’t make sense and I don’t deserve them. Tell me you hate me! I will do anything for you to forgive me. You have welcomed me to Hogwarts, Eslis, and I have not been grateful.’
‘You is grateful, Miss, you cannot choose, yesterday.’ The elf repeated stubbornly with the same professorial tone. Cybele, who still felt dreadful, was also starting to feel desperately frustrated. Given his kind, Cybele had expected Eslis to forgive too easily but she had not foreseen that he would insist to see her all misconduct as something she was not responsible for.
‘I have acted horribly with you Eslis, and whatever my feelings at the moment, there are no excuses for that. Please accept my apologies.’
‘Eslis doesn’t want apologies, Miss, He knows you Magi cannot help.’
‘What?’
‘You cannot help it. It really is not Miss’ fault. Eslis understands. Eslis is not upset, Miss. I still is Cybele’s friend.’
Cybele pushed away the tears on her cheeks.
‘Thank you, Eslis, you are very kind. It means a lot to me to hear you call me your friend now. But please don’t find me excuses: I have acted badly. I am just a friend who has acted badly-’
Eslis had come closer to Cybele and locked eyes with her.
‘Once a Magian gives love or friendship and receives it back, you is bound. You cannot say was…’ he explained slowly.
‘What are you talking about, Eslis?’ Cybele was lost. These excuses Eslis was giving her, she had first dismissed because she did not deserve them, but now that she was listening properly, they sounded very strange.
‘About you kind, about Magian, about the bounds you is having with other humans. If they come close to you, if they love you, they are binding you. Cybele must be careful.’
‘My kind? What is Magian?’
‘Magi is your kind, miss, because you are a Magian, no?’
Cybele was lost in Eslis’ large, deep eyes. Could he possibly know something that wizards did not?
‘Magian. I never heard about Magi, Eslis.’
‘Maybe because Magian is very old magic, Miss. I was thinking Magi is finished, now. But you are here. You are a Magian, Cybele.’
‘A Magian,’ Cybele repeated blankly. She had not expected anything like that when she had come down the Hufflepuff common room. What with the emotions and the shame, the dread, the tears, her night in the library and the explanations with Snape, Caroline, and the Ravenclaws, Cybele was feeling completely overwhelmed. Her head was starting to spin.
‘You is not feeling good,’ she heard her friend declare. ‘Miss Caroline should walk you to the hospital wing.’
Indeed Cybele was feeling quite sick by now. She had also not eaten anything in over twenty-four hours and it was in the hospital wing that she spent her next night.
Lee stood up and came to meet Cybele when she turned up for dinner the next day. He did not look too pleased. Cybele still felt grateful that he was not ignoring her simply.
‘Lee…’ she started. He merely looked at her. ‘I cannot explain, but I am sorry. I have talked to Eslis, the Elf; I have apologized to him.’
‘And to Malfoy?’ Lee asked flatly.
‘I’m avoiding him but if I do come across him, I’ll tell him what I think.’
‘So he is no friend of yours anymore this time, is he?’ he checked.
Cybele thought briefly about what Eslis had said, but it made little sense.
‘No, he cannot be; I don’t think he even feels sorry… Do you hate me?’
‘It’s all right, Cybele, I saw you cry yesterday, remember? I know you really were, sorry. But the twins…’ He jerked his head in the direction of Fred and George.
‘I’ll talk to them!’
‘That’s why I came to see you; I don’t know if it’s a good idea. The twins really stand straight when it comes to respecting House-Elves, any servants, different creatures or sorcerers; they cannot understand what took you. They think you may share Malfoy’s views on some things after all.’
‘They know I don’t! I was Eslis’ friend in the first place, I myself come from nobody knows where,’ Cybele checked herself too late.
‘What are you talking about, Cybele? Your parents were wizards, you come from Lebanon.’
Cybele took a big breath.
‘Nobody knows who my parents were and I was found in Britain, amnesiac the first day of Hogwarts term,’ she uttered in a breath. She had always intended to give her best friends a more accurate version of the truth, but now she felt that the moment was all wrong; it sounded like she was using it to reverse their anger into pity.
Lee indeed looked shocked and sorry. Before he could react, she added hurriedly, ‘Don’t tell the twins, though! I mean not now, I’ll tell them later, if they still want to be my friends. Agreed?’
‘Merlin, Cybele, I had no idea… why didn’t you tell?’
‘I don’t want them to pity me; I want them to forgive me first!’
‘No, I mean, why didn’t you tell anybody before?’
‘It was the staff’s idea, when they found me. They found I already knew a bit of magic, so they came up with theories and they through I would feel better without the attention.’
‘You don’t know who you are?’
‘No.’
‘But your name?’
‘I seemed to remember just that. But they were unable to connect it with any wizarding family or school,’ said Cybele, who was not willing to admit yet that her own family name was Dumbledore’s invention.
‘Come with me,’ Lee said with determination, grabbing her hand. He took the lead to the now virtually deserted house tables.
‘Fred, George, please just listen to Cybele, please.’
But the boys stood up and went away. Cybele and Lee were left to collapse at the Gryffindor’s table.
‘Thanks for forgiving me, Lee.’
‘I told you, it’s all right. You’re all right! I’ll talk to them, don’t you worry!’ he said encouragingly.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t mention earlier about my family, it’s just…’
‘I understand too, it must not feel easy to talk about. So, you reckon you may be a Muggle-born?’
‘I have no idea. I could do magic when they found me, but I never attended any schools… It may be more complicated than that,’ she added, willing to keep close to the truth.
‘Maybe you remembered the wrong name,’ Lee suggested.
‘Ah, yeah… let’s not talk about that! How is Phil today?’
‘Er… Let’s not talk about that.’