It was sunny. He frowned; on a day like today, he desperately wanted it to be anything but. Cloudy was acceptable, rain appropriate, hail better than he could imagine. Anything to show the world what a dark day it truly was.
The small white church gleamed in the offending sun. The day had the clean feel of an early summer morning, before the heat sets in. A perfect day for a wedding.
He didn’t know why he was there. It was likely that no one but the bride knew he’d even been invited. He would have liked to burst in, invitation held high, and see the look on Potter’s face. He smiled thinking about it. Of course, he couldn’t do that. With his luck, the gesture would reveal the Mark on his left arm, and even Lily wouldn’t be able to stop the jinxes flowing.
So instead, he crept past the groups congregating on the steps, chatting and laughing, and slipped into the church unnoticed. The strong Disillusionment made him almost invisible. It made him feel like a gate crasher. He had to remind himself that he did have an invitation, and he was allowed to be there.
He sat in the back row of the bride’s side, at the very end of the bench farthest from the aisle. He observed the other guests as they came in. Many were Lily’s relatives; he recognized them from the family cookouts he’d spied on. Then there were the black-haired, green-eyed, boisterous guests who could only belong to Potter. A great number of the guests, however, he knew from Hogwarts. He liked none of them. There were Lily’s girlfriends, who hated him from the beginning. They always told her how “icky” he was. One of them in particular, Sarah Fawcett, had been the one to tell her what he and his own friends got up to. It was something he’d never forgiven her for.
It had been sixth year, a dividing point in his mind. The row at the end of their O.W.L.s had somehow managed to be put aside that summer afterwards. She’d been free of others’ influence, more willing to accept that sometimes people say things they don’t mean. He’d got on the train with the confidence that everything would be back to normal.
It was, for a few months. Lily left to go home for Christmas, but he’d stayed. In the common room one night, Walden MacNair had approached him. “Come on, Snape,” he’d said. “Lestrange has put together a little something to impress Bellatrix, and he wants us to help. Let’s go.”
He’d followed, purely out of boredom. That was the reason he did anything with them, he told himself; he never had anything better to do. MacNair had led him out of the common room and through the dungeons. They stopped at one of the unused dungeons. “In here,” said MacNair. Snape followed him through the door.
The room was empty, save for Theodore Nott, looking bored as usual, and Rodolphus Lestrange, looking the opposite. “Good, you’re here,” he said. “Think of your favorite jinx while we wait for Rabastan and Narcissa.”
He knew that by “favorite jinx,” Rodolphus wanted him to use Levicorpus. He was the most proficient at it of their group, obviously, and it had become his job to control whoever they were jinxing. He lounged against the wall and waited.
It wasn’t long before giggling could be heard along the passage outside. “Come on, Cissy, just tell me what he’s planning!”
“Bella, I can’t! That would ruin the surprise!” Narcissa Black dissolved into a fit of giggles as she led her sister inside the dungeon. Despite being fourteen, and therefore far too giggly for his taste, Narcissa was included in most things the group did. Rodolphus tolerated her because he loved Bellatrix, and therefore the rest of them had to.
“All right, what’s going on?” said Bellatrix. “What are you planning?”
“Well…” began Rodolphus, “It started when I was trying to think of a Christmas present for you. Jewelry was the obvious, but I knew someone as extraordinary as you wouldn’t accept mere jewelry. So, knowing how hard you’ve been taking the new rules against dueling and general merrymaking, I’ve decided to put on a little show. Something for your entertainment.”
She smiled. As though he’d timed it perfectly, voices drifted through the open door.
“But I didn’t do anything!”
“Wandering the corridors after dark is strictly forbidden, as you well know.”
“It’s winter, any time after four is dark! It’s not curfew yet!”
“Don’t talk back to your betters! Move along, you Mudblood filth.”
Rabastan Lestrange shoved a small boy through the door. He looked to be about second or third year. A Hufflepuff. It seemed Rabastan had been abusing his prefect powers again.
“Merry Christmas, Bella,” said Rodolphus, and he pecked her on the cheek. “Let’s begin. Severus, will you do the honors?”
He had sighed, and lifted his wand. Oh, how he wished he could take back his next words. He should have known they were being watched. He should have cursed the rest of them, grabbed the boy, and run out. He should have told them that this was not entertaining. He should have told Rodolphus that girls always like jewelry. But he did none of that. He only uttered one word, one word to ruin his life.
“Levicorpus.”
That’s when Fawcett had burst in. She'd been watching from just outside the door, waiting to see if they'd go through with it.
“You pigs,” she said, “you absolute pigs! What is wrong with you?” She said the counter spell and the Hufflepuff boy fell. “Professor Dumbledore will hear about this!” She helped him up and marched out.
But of course, none of them but him had actually done anything. He got a stern talking-to from Slughorn, and that was that. He’d hoped it would be over then.
Two weeks later, Lily returned to the school. He’d hoped to find her before Fawcett did, but he didn’t. She cornered him on the grounds the first day of term.
“Get up to anything interesting over the holidays?” she’d asked him. She was seething.
“Er…define interesting.”
She’d exploded. “Honestly, Sev, kidnapping an innocent boy? For entertainment? I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you. I thought you’d changed. I thought they weren’t really having an effect on you. First the Mudblood thing, and now this? You’re turning into one them! Do you have any idea of what they would have done to him? They could have seriously hurt him! They probably would have! Do you think you’re not really doing something bad if you’re just lifting him up?”
“Lily, I’m sorry, I””
“Don’t apologize to me. I’m done hearing it. If you want forgiveness from anyone, you need it from him.” She’d turned to walk away. “Oh, by the way”James Potter asked me out again this morning. And I said yes.”
He could trace everything that had gone wrong for him back to that moment. He was sure that the only reason she’d said yes was to get back at him. And that had led to this day.
It had been the biggest shock of his life when the owl had arrived with his invitation. The last time he had spoken to her was the year before, on their graduation. She’d said, “Take care of yourself, Sev. Don’t make the same decisions.”
He had, of course. He’d made the easiest decisions. He was sure she knew what he’d been up to. Yet somehow, despite all that, she’d invited him to her wedding. It could have been intended as a cruel gesture, but he didn’t think so. That wasn’t her.
It seemed like too soon when the pews were filled and the music started. Didn’t he have more time? No, it seemed he didn’t. The procession began. First a tiny girl, probably a cousin, walked in. Then a line of bridesmaids, led by Petunia. She didn’t even have the courtesy to look happy for her sister. Finally, Lily came in.
She was stunning. Her hair was long and natural, nothing fancy done to it. It shimmered under the gold flower crown that was its only adornment. Her gown was cream trimmed in gold, the same shade as the flowers on her hair and in her hands. She glowed. He’d always thought that “bridal glow” was an exaggeration, but it made perfect sense. Everything about her just gleamed. She passed quickly, too quickly for him. He stood up to get a better view all the way to the front. Potter looked as though he didn’t know what to make of the angel in front of him. How could he? Any mortal man would be the same.
It was not a long ceremony, but it was an odd mix of Muggle and wizarding traditions. He kept it together until the end, when the priest said, “If there are any present who have a reason why these two should not be joined in marriage, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.”
This was his chance. He could say it now, tell her how he felt, how he’d always felt, show her what a mistake she was making, that he would give up everything for her, that he would take everything back for her, if only she would notice, and listen”
But then he looked at her face, and saw her happiness. She wasn’t just glowing because she was beautiful; she was glowing because she was happy. If he spoke up now, she wouldn’t follow him. She would be shocked, hurt, maybe even angry. She would regret inviting him. He would put a black mark on her wedding day, the happiest day of her life. And it would be for nothing.
He slid out of the pew and walked down the side of the nave to the back door. He couldn’t stand to stay and see it to the end. The only reason he’d come was for that tiny hope, that one chance to change things. Except he was far too late.
Severus Snape left the church, prepared to forever hold his peace.
Forever Hold His Peace by Leah_Lovegood
Story Notes:
I thought this might be a fun story to write. I wondered if he was there, and what he might have thought.
Chapter Notes: Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize in this story belongs to me. Even the small Hufflepuff, as he probably existed before I wrote this.
Chapter Endnotes: Please review and tell me what you thought!