‘Morning,’ he said softly. I wriggled around under the warm covers to face him. He grinned at me, his green eyes twinkling. ‘Did you sleep well?’
‘Not too bad,’ I said truthfully. We hadn’t actually fallen asleep until two in the morning – after I had told Albus what had happened with my parents, we had sat up talking about anything and everything until I finally felt at peace enough to drift off to sleep.
He gave me a sympathetic smile. ‘I’m sure they’ll be better this morning,’ he said. Always trying to stay positive. I shrugged, rolling onto my back to stare up at the ceiling. ‘Don’t be like this, Scorpius. The hardest part’s over.’
‘I’m not being like anything,’ I said.
Although I wasn’t looking at him, I could tell Albus was rolling his eyes. He kissed my neck again before jumping out of bed. ‘It’s twenty to eight,’ he told me, pulling on his shirt from the night before. I groaned and sat up as well. Our family had breakfast at eight every morning, and you weren’t allowed to miss it. No questions asked.
‘Do you want a shower or something to eat?’ I asked, my mouth turning down at the corners as he searched around for his shoes. I didn’t want him to go home.
He shook his head. ‘I really should be going. I’ll creep back into my own bed at home and pretend I’ve been there all night,’ he said, winking at me. ‘It’s a Sunday, so hopefully no one will be wondering why I’m not awake yet.’
I finally pulled myself out of bed, grabbing a clean shirt out of my dresser as Albus tied up his shoelaces, before going to the window and undoing the latch. It slid open noiselessly.
‘How on earth did you make so much noise coming in last night?’ I asked, smirking. ‘I thought the house-elf was going to come up and find you.’
‘I tripped,’ he said indignantly. ‘I’d like to see you try and climb in here one day.’ He looked out the second-story window and then turned to face me. ‘So are we doing anything later?’
‘Sure,’ I said, walking over and wrapping my arms around him. ‘We could go out to that Muggle place for lunch.’
‘Perfect.’ He leant up to kiss me, slow and soft. I clung to him, hoping that would be enough to make him stay, to not climb out my window and instead stay curled up in bed with me all morning. But we both knew that was impossible, and eventually he had to pull away.
We still stayed there a moment longer, holding each other in silence until it felt as if Albus’ thoughts and problems were mixed with mine and we were the same person. Then he gently untangled his arms from around my waist. ‘I’ll see you at about one, then,’ he said. ‘What’s that place called again?’
‘Roberto’s,’ I said, naming the Muggle restaurant that we frequented. It had amazing Italian food, and the best thing was that no one there knew us. Albus nodded as he climbed out of the window and onto the awning. ‘I still don’t know why you don’t just use magic to get down.’
‘Knowing me, I’d fall to my death,’ he joked, grabbing a hold of the gutter to his left. Leaning dangerously back towards me, he gave me one final kiss. ‘I love you. Good luck.’
Then he started half-climbing, half-sliding down the side of the house. I watched him, holding my wand by my side in case he slipped. But soon enough he reached the ground, perfectly safe, and waved up at me before turning and jogging towards the boundary of our grounds so he could Apparate home. I continued to watch him until he was just a blur in the morning fog; a blur that then disappeared with a pop that I couldn’t hear but knew would be there.
Finally turning away from my window, I ran a comb through my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. I could do this. Like Albus had said, the hardest part was already over. I hadn’t been kicked out of home or cut off from my inheritance – not yet, anyway. Sighing, I tore my eyes away from my reflection and headed downstairs to the breakfast room.
As I expected, my parents were already seated, quietly sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. Neither of them looked at me as I entered the room and sat down. I waited for a moment, wondering if I was getting the silent treatment.
‘Good morning,’ I said, trying to get a reaction out of them. Dad simply grunted, not moving the newspaper from where he was holding it in front of his face. Mum finally looked up at me. I cringed. Her eyes were red and blotchy, clearly a result of not much sleep and a lot of crying.
‘Good morning, dear,’ she said, her voice quavering on the last word. I looked down at the table, abashed. I hadn’t wanted to hurt her like this.
Thankfully, the house-elf then entered through the side door, carrying three plates of bacon and eggs. The one good thing about eating was that it gave you an excuse not to talk, so all three of us dove in like it was our first meal in weeks.
However, a plate of food can only last so long, and soon enough we had finished and the awkward silence resumed. I looked down at the table, fidgeting with my napkin. They would bring it up. I knew them too well. They couldn’t let something like this just sit there unaddressed for too long.
Sure enough, my father soon cleared his throat. I looked up. ‘Scorpius.’ He glanced sideways at my mother and placed a reassuring hand upon hers, squeezing it lightly. I felt a sudden pang for Albus, wishing he was here with me instead of having a cheerful breakfast with his family, like he probably would be doing right now.
‘Yes?’ I replied, not wanting to be the one to initiate the conversation.
‘Your mother and I … after last night … what you said …’
It was very rare to see Draco Malfoy at a loss for words, but I supposed his son coming out would do that.
‘We’ve been talking. And if this is truly what you have decided to do with your life – if you truly want to be with the Potter boy – then we can accept that. We still love you, and we will support you through this if need be.’
I had no idea what to say. That was something I hadn’t been expecting. I opened my mouth and closed it again, staring at my parents. Even the people you know best can still surprise you.
Then all of a sudden Mum jumped out of her chair, rushing over and giving me a hug. ‘Oh, Scorpius,’ she said, kissing my forehead. ‘I’m so sorry about last night. It just came as a shock, that’s all. And even if this isn’t what we wanted for you, we still want you to be happy.’
I stood up and hugged her properly. It had been a while since I had done that – our family weren’t huge on physical affection – and I hadn’t realised that I had grown taller than her. She started sobbing again, and I patted her shoulder awkwardly. Dad rolled his eyes at me over her head, and I grinned.
It was almost like old times.
A few weeks later, Albus and I were going out to lunch at work. We’d come to an unspoken agreement that we would still hide our relationship there, so whenever we saw each other we acted like acquaintances and only had lunch together every couple of weeks or so.
We went down to the food hall that they had recently built in the Ministry, making it easier for the employees to buy their food and get back to work in time for the end of their lunch break. On the way there we stayed a fair distance apart, even though I wanted nothing more than to grab his hand or put my arm around him like I did when we were someplace no one knew us.
Albus was telling me about what he had done that morning – his team had been called out to a major job, where a wizard had held up a Muggle bank with a wand, terrifying everyone in there and making off with thousands of pounds. A clever idea in hindsight, because robbing a Muggle bank would be much easier than robbing Gringotts, but far too easy for the Ministry to track him down.
‘We had to Obliviate thirty people,’ Albus was saying. ‘Some of them had been hexed. And of course, they were loath to let anyone with a wand near them after that ordeal.’
‘That’s horrible,’ I said, shuddering, as we bought ourselves some Chinese and found a table where we could eat in peace. ‘Do you know if they’ve caught him yet?’
Albus shook his head, picking up a piece of lemon chicken with his chopsticks. I always ate my Chinese with a fork; I had no idea how he used those blasted things. ‘The Aurors are after him now,’ he said. ‘I expect they’ll catch him before long.’
I nodded fervently, and then we ate in silence for a few minutes. Albus seemed a bit edgy, but I put it down to his job that morning. However, after a while he sighed and put down his chopsticks.
‘Scorpius, I need to ask you something.’
‘Yeah?’ I asked, my mouth full of food that I quickly swallowed. I almost reached across the table to grab his hand, but I stopped myself just in time. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing.’ He paused, looking around furtively before lowering his voice. ‘Well. It’s nearly Christmas, right? And you know how every year my parents have their huge Christmas party … well, I wanted you to come. With me. As my boyfriend.’
I stared at him for a moment, trying to process this. ‘You mean … together? As in holding hands and kissing and everything we don’t do around people we know?’
‘Well, yeah.’
I didn’t even hesitate. ‘Absolutely not,’ I said, picking up my fork again and shovelling fried rice into my mouth. There was no way in the world I was going to come out at the Potter’s Christmas party. They threw the most extravagant gatherings – everyone from the Minister of Magic to the people who I had gone to school with would be there. My parents and I got invited every year, and we’d gone once or twice when we didn’t have prior engagements. It was not the kind of party where I wanted to first tell the world I was gay.
Albus sighed. I don’t know what he had been expecting my reaction to be, but I could tell he was upset. ‘Why not?’ he asked, abandoning his food and pushing it to the side.
‘Because I don’t want to,’ I said simply.
He rolled his eyes. ‘Obviously. But why don’t you want to?’
He was being so damn persistent that I practically slammed my fork down and glared at him. ‘I shouldn’t have to give you a reason. You should know the reason. Everyone is going to be there. Everyone from the people I went to school with to the people I work with to the people who know my parents and will look down on my family because of it.’
There was a brief pause in which I realised I had been almost shouting, and glanced around quickly to make sure we weren’t being overheard.
‘What I don’t understand is why you care what those people will think. I just … forget it.’ He slowly stood up, picking up the remainders of his lunch and throwing them into the nearby bin.
‘What, Albus?’
‘I said forget it.’
‘No.’ I wasn’t going to let that one slide. If I dropped it now it would hurt him even more, and rightly so. I tried to ignore the aching feeling in my chest. Fighting with Albus was not something I enjoyed doing, especially when it was my fault.
‘I don’t know,’ he said, grabbing the back of the chair he had just been sitting on. ‘I just don’t like hiding this. Hiding us. I want to be able to hold your hand in public and – and go to these kinds of parties and dance with you and kiss you when it seems like no one’s watching. I love you, Scorpius. And I don’t like having to hide the most important thing in my life.’
Before I could say anything, he strode off towards the lift. I sat there feeling like the most horrible person in the world. I hated to hurt Albus. I really did. But I wasn’t going to that damn party. I couldn’t.
I could hardly concentrate on my work that afternoon. My thoughts were occupied elsewhere, some ways down the hall where Albus was working and probably trying not to cry after what I had done to him at lunch. It was a relief when I finally finished for the day. I exited the office as quickly as possible, heading to the lobby with my head down. As awful as it was, I didn’t want to see Albus again. Not now.
‘Malfoy!’
It was not a voice I recognised, but with a sigh I turned around anyway. A tall red-haired girl was marching towards me, her face murderous. I vaguely recognised her. It had been ages since I had spoken to Rose, but she still looked like the same girl I had forever been sniping at back at Hogwarts. Her red hair was pulled back into an unruly ponytail, and her freckles identified her as another Weasley. We’d never really gotten along well at school, and judging by the look on her face, our relationship wasn’t about to improve.
I gave her my best attempt at a winning smile when she approached me. ‘Good afternoon, Rose,’ I said as pleasantly as possible. ‘Lovely day, isn’t it?’
‘Do not fuck with me, Malfoy,’ she said, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at me. ‘What the hell is your problem?’
‘At the moment, you,’ I told her, glancing at my watch. It wasn’t as if I was in a hurry to get anywhere, but maybe if I did it pointedly enough she would take the hint.
‘Very funny. You know what I mean. Why do you have such a problem with the Potter’s party?’ she asked.
‘There’s nothing wrong with the party,’ I said. ‘I just don’t want to be there.’
She sighed. ‘But Albus wants you to be there,’ she said, her arms falling to her sides as she realised she would be fighting a lost cause. She frowned, her brow creasing in the middle. She was worried about Albus. Maybe almost as much as I was.
‘I know, Rose. But it’s harder for me to go to the damn thing than it is for Albus not to have me there, if you know what I mean.’
‘I know what you mean. I just don’t know why.’
I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. I was not in the mood to be having this conversation right now. ‘You wouldn’t understand. You’ve come from a family who loves you and will accept you for who you are. And no matter what you do, or your family does, no one is going to talk about you behind your back, or judge you for who you’re dating, or cross you off invite lists.
‘I’m not the same. You know what I am. A Malfoy. Despite everything my parents have done to try and cover up our past, we’re still teetering on the edge of a knife. Do you know how hard it was for me to find a job? For me to try and make friends? For me to watch every move I make, trying not to screw up so someone can laugh at me and I’ll be rejected again?’
I realised I had been raising my voice again and I quickly shut up, looking away from Rose as my eyes filled with tears. Luckily the corridor was all but empty again, with everyone having made their way to the lobby to go home. ‘Scorpius, being gay is not the same thing as serving Voldemort.’
‘I know,’ I said stupidly, still blinking back my tears.
‘I think you’re overreacting. You have to realise – the world is not out to get you. Okay, so maybe there are some people who aren’t going to like you dating Albus, and they will judge you for it. But you have to think – do those people really matter?’
We stared at each other for a long minute. ‘I’m still not going,’ I said. I couldn’t do it. Despite what she said, those people did matter to me. I’d grown up in a household where the only thing that mattered was how we looked on the outside, and it had rubbed off on me. I couldn’t go out there and let all those people judge me and my family for who I was.
‘You are so stubborn,’ she said, rolling her eyes. There was a resigned look on her face as she stood up and left me alone at the table again. I sighed. No matter what I said to them, they were only going to see it as an act of cowardice. Which, thinking about it, it was.
I just wasn’t ready.
I didn’t speak to Albus for the next two days. On Wednesday I Apparated home in a bad mood, not even bothering to say hello to my parents as I trudged past the sitting room on the way to my bedroom. Unfortunately, they called me in.
‘Scorpius! Come here for a moment, could you?’ Mum asked as she heard me pass. Sighing, I turned around and poked my head around the door.
‘What?’ I asked, making it clear that I wasn’t in the mood for talking. However, my parents couldn’t take the hint.
‘We’ve just received an invite,’ Dad said, holding it out to me. ‘To the Potter’s Annual Christmas Party this weekend. We haven’t been in a few years, but we thought it would be good to make an appearance this year.’
He was smiling as I read through the invitation. It was addressed to all three of us, despite the fact that I’d already told Albus I wasn’t going. Did he think a fancy letter would make me change my mind? I handed the invite back to Dad.
‘Don’t worry about it, I said. ‘I’m not going.’ Turning on my heel, I stormed out of there before they could call me back and ask me what my problem was. I rushed up to my room, discarding my work robes as soon as I got in there and pulling on the Muggle clothes I usually wore around home. I thought of my parents, who right now would be trying to figure out what the hell my problem was. I covered my face in shame. Did I always act like such a teenager?
Then I got the fright of my life as a head popped out of nowhere and tapped on the window. I swore and reached for my wand instantly. I had it ready to strike before I realised that the person out there was in fact Albus. He opened the window himself, jumping inside my bedroom and wandering over to sit on my bed like it was the most natural thing in the world.
‘You know, you could always use the door.’ My heart was still beating erratically from the shock. He shrugged.
‘It’s just easier this way. At least I don’t have to face your parents.’
I bit back a remark about the hypocrisy of his statement, and instead shoved my wand in my pocket and turned to shut the window. There was an awkward pause as I stood there with my back to him, and then Albus sighed.
‘Don’t be mad at me,’ he said sadly.
‘I’m not mad,’ I answered automatically. Which was almost true. I was mad about the invitation, and I was mad because I knew it wouldn’t take long until he started badgering me about going to the party again. There was another irritated sigh from behind me, and so I gave in and turned to face him, leaning against the windowsill.
‘I’m sorry,’ we both said in unison, and then laughed. Albus stood up and came to give me a hug. I put my arms around him like I always did, and tried to will away my bad feelings about the ridiculous party. Unfortunately, Albus had other ideas.
‘Please come,’ he murmured into my neck. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to get angry again. I didn’t understand why this was such a big deal for him, I really didn’t. It was just another party. Why did we have to suddenly make our grand entrance then and there? We could do it any time.
‘Why are you so damn persistent?’ I asked.
‘Why are you so damn stubborn?’ he retorted. Pulling away, he stared at me. ‘Scorpius, what is your problem? It’s just a party.’
‘Exactly. It’s just a party. Why should we have to announce to the world that we’re together? It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, you know.’
Albus really pulled away this time, dropping his arms and going back to sit on my bed, running a hand through his unruly hair. ‘Scorpius, if I asked you to walk into work tomorrow morning holding my hand, what would you say?’
I hesitated. As much as I wanted to say I would do it, I didn’t know if I actually could. I didn’t have enough courage to walk in there amidst the stares and pointing and still hold my head high. Albus would be able to do it easily, I know. If I gave the word, he wouldn’t waste a second. That was what I loved about Albus. He was so completely comfortable with who he was.
It was then that I realised it was me holding us back.
‘Are you ashamed of me?’ Albus asked softly. I winced at the hurt laced throughout his question.
‘Of course not,’ I answered vehemently. My heart started doing that stupid aching thing again as I watched him, knees curled up to his chest as he picked at my quilt. I loved him, so much. Why was it so hard to tell that to the world?
‘Then what is it?’ he asked, barely audible now and sounding like he was about to cry.
‘I don’t know, Al. I honestly don’t.’
He looked up at me, clearly fighting back tears. ‘I should go.’
I wanted so badly to tell him to stop, to stay here. To let me hold him until I fell asleep like he had done for me. To go to the party with him, to tell the world that I was gay and dating Albus Potter and that there was nothing they could do about it. But I didn’t. I just stood there and watched him climb back out my window and down the gutter.
That Saturday was probably one of the most excruciating days of my life. I moped around the house more or less all day, trying not to think about Albus and how he would be preparing for the party with his family right now. I tried to distract myself, but nothing I did could keep my mind off him.
Dinnertime came and went, and then my parents headed off to the party. I stayed in my room, as obstinate as ever. The house-elf came and offered me a coffee, but I refused. There I was, curled up in bed alone on a Saturday night, while my boyfriend was out at a party without me.
I hoped it wasn’t breaking his heart as much as it was mine.
I think I knew, deep down, why I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of Albus. I was ashamed of myself. I just wasn’t able to stand up and tell the world I was gay. I knew what the consequences would be, and I knew I would lose all respect I had gained amongst the people I had once counted my friends. I had spent my whole life trying to prove myself to them, and admitting this would just bring all that crashing down.
As I curled up to my pillow, trying to imagine it was Albus, words someone had said to me a few days ago came floating into my head.
Do those people really matter?
I sighed, wishing Rose had never put all those doubts into my head about who I really was and who I could really consider my friends. But she was right. The people who would care about this – they shouldn’t matter.
And I realised that it had been incredibly stupid of me to risk my relationship with Albus over what a few ignorant people would think.
I stood outside the house, listening to the distant sounds of music and people laughing. There were lights pulsating from the backyard, and every now and then children would come running and laughing around the front. I followed a few of them back towards where the party was, trying to make myself look inconspicuous.
Everyone was in dress robes, and I cursed myself mentally for not dressing better. I was wearing jeans and a jacket, which probably wasn’t the best attire for the Potter’s Christmas party. All the same, I couldn’t go home now. If I did, I didn’t know if I could gather up the courage to come back again.
I slipped into the crowds of the party, ducking and weaving between people as I looked around for a familiar face. I passed a few people I knew, who smiled and nodded at me. The music was getting annoyingly loud, and I realised I was standing under a speaker. Sighing with irritation, I wondered if this really had been the best idea after all.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I spun around. Rose Weasley was behind me, smiling for once and actually looking quite lovely in the glow of the party-lights. Grabbing my arm, she led me away from the loudspeaker towards a quiet corner of the backyard.
‘I knew you would come through,’ she said, giving me a surprising hug. As much as we had detested each other during school, it seemed like she and I were going to end up being quite good friends. I knew she was close to Albus, but I’d never really taken the trouble to get to know her.
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘It was partly because of you.’
‘I try my hardest,’ she said, smirking. ‘Now you had better go and find him. He’s been moping around all week. I hope you feel bad. What kind of a jerk does something like that, anyway?’
Well, maybe we’d have to work on the friends thing.
‘Where is he?’ I asked, ignoring her last comment.
‘Over there, by the food table,’ she said, pointing. I followed her gaze, and saw him with his back to me, chatting to a few people from work, including my boss and Talia Zabini, who had been in our year at school. Not the loveliest girl I’ve ever met, and not exactly the kind of person who would be very happy about mine and Albus’ relationship.
I took a deep breath. Rose prodded me in the back with her wand. ‘Ouch,’ I muttered.
‘Sorry,’ she said, not sounding the least bit sorry. I headed towards Albus, not taking my eyes off his back for a second. The others saw me approach before he did, smiling hellos and looking up and down at my questionable attire. Albus turned to see who was behind him, and his eyes alighted as he saw me.
‘Hi,’ I said, going straight for it and giving him a quick kiss. It was so quick he didn’t have time to respond, but everyone else in the vicinity did. ‘Sorry I’m late. How’s the party going?’
Everything I had been through in the past few days, and would be going through in the next few weeks was worth it just to see his smile. Slipping my arm around his waist, I turned to face the people he had been talking to. Talia was staring at us with a disbelieving look on her face, and Erkhart was suddenly extremely interested in his fingernails.
‘You all know Scorpius, right? My boyfriend. He’s in the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad.’
I could hear him fighting back the happiness in his voice as he said those two words. My boyfriend. And I won’t deny it – it made me feel so completely loved. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t loved me before, but to hear him confirm it in front of everyone – especially after all we had been through that week – just made my night. By now, the people standing with us were all starting to make their excuses and drift off into the crowds, probably going to tell everyone about this revelation.
‘Well. That’s one way to scare people off,’ I said, trying to make light of the situation. The last few partygoers who were still standing around us laughed nervously before disappearing as well. Albus looked at me, grinning.
I kissed him properly now, and I could still feel him smiling. Why had it taken me so long to do something that made him so incredibly happy?
‘Thank you,’ he murmured against my lips.
‘It was nothing,’ I murmured back, kissing him again.
Because it really was nothing. I loved him. And he loved me. What the rest of the world thought just didn’t matter anymore.