1. James and Lily’s Son (Belle)
Just a little introduction song to get into the spirit of OotP. Don’t be confused when Harry’s at the Dursleys’ for the next song after this one… it’s at Hogwarts because I think it sums up the mood of the book nicely this way.
HARRY:
Wizard school in a wizard village
Steeped in magic and history
Same old school with the same old people
Who all think that they know me.
VARIOUS PEOPLE:
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
HARRY:
There goes Professor Snape, in black like always
Same old assignments”half a ton.
And his sneer remains the same
Since the moment that I came
And he labeled me as James and Lily’s son.
SNAPE: (Spoken) Mr. Potter.
HARRY: (Spoken) Sir?
SNAPE: (Spoken) Where are you off to, boy?
HARRY: (Spoken) Er… the library?
SNAPE: (Spoken) A likely story. I’ve got my eye on you.
ALL:
Look there he goes, he makes me so uneasy
I know I’m not the only one.
Well, they say that people change
It appears that he’s gone strange.
What a pity for poor James and Lily’s son.
VARIOUS PEOPLE:
Hello.
Hey there!
D’you do your homework?
Hey there
Hello!
That broom’s so cool.
I love your shoes
I love your hairdo.
HARRY:
They don’t know what’s out there beyond this school!
DRACO: (Spoken) Ahhh, Potter.
HARRY: (Spoken) Malfoy.
DRACO: (Spoken) You had any funny dreams lately? Any fainting spells?
HARRY: (Spoken) Not since yesterday.
DRACO: (Spoken) Not since yesterday? That long without publicity? How do you survive, Potter?
HARRY: (Spoken) Shove off, Malfoy.
DRACO: (Spoken) Careful, wouldn’t want to see an article in the headlines about how you’re treating your fellow students these days, would we?
ALL:
Look there he goes, that boy’s turned so peculiar
After that tournament he won.
With a pained and wearied look
Like his scar’s about to cook
What a troubled soul is James and Lily’s son.
HARRY:
Oh, isn’t this exciting?
It’s like everyone is slightly scared of me.
Still, it’s not so surprising
Given what the Prophet’s published on page three!
SEAMUS:
Now, it’s no wonder he’s gone odd, that Potter
His life can’t be a lot of fun.
But although I sympathise
There’s that weird look in his eyes
That is nothing like the rest of us.
ALL:
He’s different from the rest of us
He isn’t normal, James and Lily’s son.
(On the Quidditch pitch, the Gryffindors are trying to practice, and Draco’s in the stands taunting them.)
RON: (Spoken) I got it! I got it Harry! (He misses the Quaffle and falls off his broom) Ow.
DRACO: (Spoken) You can’t save a thing, can you, Weasley? That’s what we love about you. You’re our favourite Gryffindor in the whole school.
HARRY: (Spoken) Can’t you get lost, Malfoy?
RON: (Spoken) It’s true, Harry. I can’t do this. You don’t know how it is, none of those Slytherins stand a chance against you. And no girls, for that matter.
HARRY: (Spoken) I hope so, because I have my sights set on that one.
RON: (Spoken) What, the girl who’s crying to herself and not looking at you?
HARRY: (Spoken) Yep, she’s the one.
RON: (Spoken) But she’s…
HARRY: (Spoken) The most beautiful girl in the school, I know. I’m going to go talk to her right n”
SNAPE: (Spoken) Mr. Potter, into my office, please.
HARRY: (Spoken) But”
SNAPE: (Spoken) Now.
SNAPE:
Right from the moment that I met him, saw him
I wished I owned a great big gun.
In this school there’s only he
I loathe more than I loathe me.
And it’s all because he’s James and Lily’s son.
GIRLS:
Look there he goes, what’s up with Harry?
Sure, he can fly, he’s kind of cute
But still, his temper’s just so scary
If I saw him, I’d take a different route.
PERSON 1:
Hello!
HARRY:
Goodbye.
PERSON 2:
Nice day.
PERSON 3:
Hey, man.
PERSON 4:
Hey, where’s you get that?
PERSON 5:
Here, taste this mate?
PERSON 6:
Hello!
PERSON 7:
What’s up?
PERSON 8:
Hi, you.
HARRY:
S’cuse me…
PERSON 9:
Let’s have a duel!
HARRY:
Please let me through!
PERSON 10:
Your mum--
PERSON 9:
Your dad--
PERSON 10:
She’s fat!
PERSON 9:
He’s poor!
PERSON 9 and PERSON 10:
Man, you’ll regret that!
HARRY:
They don’t know what’s out there beyond this school!
SNAPE:
Just like your dad, you think you’re just so cool!
ALL:
Look there he goes, the boy is strange, no question
He has been since the year begun.
Ever since that Cedric died
It’s as though his brain’s been fried.
And he really is a moody boy
A hero but a moody boy
There’s something up with James and Lily’s son!
2. No Matter What
And here we pick up at the start of the book, where Harry is lying on his back outside the flowerbed, trying to listen to the news! This is one of those songs that was added for the Broadway musical version of Beauty and the Beast.
VERNON:
No, we’re not odd, it’s true
No family could be saner
Except those Potters, who… well, frankly, they don’t count.
In everything we do
We couldn’t make it plainer
We’re blessed with normalcy in copious amounts.
HARRY:
And it’s quite clear that they don’t get along with me.
VERNON:
Stop watching telly, boy!
Find someone to annoy.
Get out right now”
I’ll count to three!
HARRY:
No matter what I do
It’s never right.
I’ve gotten used to that
I don’t put up a fight.
There’s things a lot worse in my life
Than spending every summer here
That much is clear”
No matter what.
VERNON:
No matter what we do
I’m always proud
That we are careful
Not to go against the crowd.
It’s my intention that convention
Should be rigidly obeyed
We’ve never strayed
No matter what.
HARRY:
Now, some may say the Dursleys can’t be all that bad.
True, Draco Malfoy’s dad’s much worse.
But I’m going insane, ‘cos I can’t read the news
I’m scared I’ll slip and use
Some irreversible curse!
No matter what the pain
Burning my scar
At least the Dark Lord hasn’t found me
Here so far.
They say Professor Dumbledore always knows best
And… I do not.
I guess that’s true
What can I do?
They’re all I’ve got
No matter what.
3. Fudge (Me)
(Harry goes to the Ministry for his trial, where it seems as though everyone’s already decided he’s guilty until proven innocent. This song is another that was added to the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast and not in the film.)
UMBRIDGE:
You’ve been praying endlessly
Since the Howler came
That you’d leave the court scot free
Thanks to your big name.
But the Ministry’s not going to budge.
You’ll have to deal with Fudge.
This appeal you have in store
Won’t just ruin you.
Your Headmaster, Dumbledore
Is a target, too.
Thanks to an immensely stubborn grudge
Held by Cornelius Fudge.
HARRY:
There were hooded things galore…
FUDGE:
Inconceivable!
HARRY:
Down by Number Four.
FUDGE:
Unbelievable!
There were no such things on Privet Drive!
HARRY:
And the end was drawing near
FUDGE:
There’s no chance that’s true.
HARRY:
But I made them disappear.
FUDGE:
Phony through and through.
HARRY:
If I hadn’t, Dudley wouldn’t be alive!
MRS. FIGG: (Spoken) Picture this”a sunny day. Two boys, one rather fat, and one a bit on the scrawny side. Big things in cloaks running after … gliding after the boys. There must have been six or seven.
FUDGE: (Spoken) Boys?
MRS. FIGG: (Spoken) No, Dementors! Plain as the nose on my face!
FUDGE: (Spoken) Imagine that.
DUMBLEDORE:
I can tell that you will try
To defame the boy
But Cornelius, I can see
Through your clever ploy.
FUDGE:
Who are you to criticize or judge?
DUMBLEDORE:
True, things have changed
The law’s rearranged
But Voldemort’s come back, Fudge.
No matter who denies
He saw with his own eyes.
You can’t ignore that.
DUMBLEDORE: (Spoken) So, what’ll it be? Is it ‘I’m sorry’ or is it ‘I’m very sorry?’ Harry, you really didn’t deserve this harsh treatment.
HARRY: (Spoken) Who does?
ALL: Fudge!
4. Ron (Belle Reprise)
(Ron has just gotten the Prefect badge over Harry, and everyone is surprised, to say the least.)
FRED: (Spoken) Oh, please, Ron? Can you believe it? They made him a Prefect.
GEORGE: (Spoken) Him? The little spineless… brainless…
HARRY:
A Prefect, Ron?
Can you just see it?
Is Dumbledore a total fool?
And why not me?
I can’t believe it.
I’ve done so much to help his stupid school.
I’ve had adventures that Ron can’t imagine
I’ve done much more than he has done.
Then again, it might be wise
To allow some other guys
To experience a moment in the sun…
5. Home
Sirius is sulking around 12 Grimmauld Place, angry that Dumbledore won’t let him out of the house. This song was added to the Broadway production.
SIRIUS:
Yeah, sure, I complied
When he said, ‘good dog, stay.’
But I don’t deserve
To lose my freedom in this way
Professor.
If you think your plan will keep me safe
Well then, you’re a fool.
I’ll escape.
Is this home
Is this where I’ll be stuck forever?
I left home as a boy
Now you’ve dragged me back?
And in fact
I was formally banished
From the estate of Black.
Home should not be infested
With things too strange to name.
My heart’s far, far away
Home’s the same.
Is this home?
All this filth that my parents believed in?
Should I look
For the perks of this fetid place?
Just in case
I go stark raving mad
And rip off somebody’s face.
Still, that could be prevented
I know exactly how.
Let me fly far away
Leave right now.
What I’d give to return
To my wild days with Buckbeak.
And to think I complained
That I rarely got to eat.
Is this home?
Every second, my mum’s portrait screeching.
Shut away from the world
Until who knows when.
Hey, but then
I escaped prison once
And I can do that again.
Bar every door and window
Swallow the only key.
Do you think that’ll ever stop me?
Soon I’ll be far away
Home and free!
6. Home (Reprise)
SIRIUS:
Why not come live with me?
HARRY:
I really hope I can.
SIRIUSL
If anyone can make the most of this dungheap
Then, man
It’s you.
And who knows?
You may find
Home here, too.
7. Umbridge (Gaston)
Back at Hogwarts, Umbridge has made her presence known and is bent on changing pretty much everything.
UMBRIDGE:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see that this school
Truly has gone to the dogs.
If they were wise, they’d let me run the school
Before Dumbledore pops his clogs.
I’m sure you’re all raptly admiring me
Because just between you and I
I’m what every teacher aspires to be
And it’s not very hard to see why!
No one thinks like Umbridge
Matches pinks like Umbridge
HARRY:
No one’s social intelligence stinks like Umbridge!
UMBRIDGE:
For there’s no one in town half as forceful
What I desire, I gain.
I won’t even be mildly remorseful
When I’m causing my students unbearable pain.
Who loves Fudge like Umbridge?
Holds a grudge like Umbridge?
HARRY:
Who’s encased in a thick layer of pudge like Umbridge?
UMBRIDGE:
I am planning and pruning and innovating!
GRYFFINDORS:
Why won’t she die, that Umbridge?
UMBRIDGE:
That’s fifty-five detention slips.
GRYFFINDORS:
Umbridge and her minions are thick-headed dips!
UMBRIDGE:
Who has skill like Umbridge
Or a quill like Umbridge?
HARRY:
Who do I really wish I could kill? Yes, Umbridge!
Well, there’s no one as toadlike and dumpy
No one else has such horrible hair.
No one else wears their jumpers so lumpy.
GRYFFINDORS:
That’s right”the scariest part is her kitten-themed lair!
UMBRIDGE:
Who’s a gem like Umbridge?
Says ‘hem-hem’ like Umbridge?
HARRY:
Who’s mentality’s “us versus them” like Umbridge?
UMBRIDGE:
I enjoy giving more ‘T’s than ‘E’s when grading!
ALL:
Why won’t she die, that Umbridge?
UMBRIDGE:
When I was a girl, I made four dozen rules
When I babysat children at first.
But now that I’m grown, I’ve made nine dozen rules
I’m like Orwell’s Big Brother, but worse!
No one’s smart like Umbridge
Warms the heart like Umbridge.
HARRY:
No one makes lousy teaching an art like Umbridge?
UMBRIDGE:
Harry Potter’s incredibly irritating!
ALL:
Why won’t she die, Umbridge?
8. Umbridge Reprise (Gaston Reprise)
Umbridge has reported her findings to Fudge, and they plan to do all in their power to have Dumbledore removed from his position as Headmaster.
UMBRIDGE:
Cornelius, my dear, I’ve been thinking.
FUDGE:
Ooh, I’ve never tried that!
UMBRIDGE:
I know.
But that wacky old coot is Headmaster
And I feel that it’s time he should go.
Now Lord Voldemort’s come back, according
To that senile, unbalanced old man.
And it looks like he might cause an uproar, my dear
Unless we can develop a plan!
If I…
FUDGE:
Yes?
UMBRIDGE:
Then we…
FUDGE:
Would he?
UMBRIDGE:
Guess!
FUDGE:
Now I get it!
BOTH:
Let’s go!
MINISTRY WORKERS:
Who can plan like Umbridge?
UMBRIDGE:
No one can like Umbridge!
MINISTRY WORKERS:
Who can lock up an innocent man like Umbridge?
UMBRIDGE:
Yes, I’m brimming with lovely ideas
For immediate widespread reform.
Albus Dumbledore, so long, I’ll see ya.
While you’re gone, guess I’ll keep the Headmaster’s chair warm!
MINISTRY WORKERS:
Who can please like Umbridge?
Repartees like Umbridge?
Who can make up these endless decrees like Umbridge?
FUDGE:
His retirement soon we’ll be celebrating.
UMBRIDGE:
Dumbles, bye-bye!
MINISTRY WORKERS:
Umbridge!
9. How Long Must This Go On?
Harry is angry and exhausted after another weird dream. This is a song that was added to the Broadway production.
HARRY:
How long must this go on?
These weirdly vivid dreams?
I see with perfectly acute precision
And then the dream is gone
All in my head, it sems
And my scar aches like it’s a fresh incision.
Why now?
Is there no one
Who’ll believe me
Who can understand this vision?
10. The D.A. (Be Our Guest)
Harry and his friends have formed the D.A. and are quite pleased with it… but Umbridge is on the prowl! This song is based on the movie version of “Be Our Guest” and not the ridiculously long Broadway version. Also, the beginning of this song is very similar to the one I wrote in “The Phoenix of the Order.” That was on purpose!
HARRY:
The D.A., the D.A.
That’s why we’re all here today.
If it wasn’t for our meetings here
I doubt we’d chose to stay.
Now the dumb Ministry’s
Put up all these new decrees
Every action’s dubbed imprudence
Don’t believe me? Ask the students!
We can’t fly
Can’t do spells
All in all, it’s not so swell
And complaining means detention for a day.
But we’ve arranged a club now
Which I proudly dub now
The D.A., the D.A., the D.A.!
D.A. MEMBERS:
Brand new spells, dueling tricks
HARRY:
Gaining strength… impressing chicks...
We’ll prepare, perform with flair
Add something rare into the mix.
D.A. MEMBERS:
We’re alone, and we’re scared
Umbridge left us unprepared
We’ve no hands-on practice dueling
Thanks to theory-centered schooling.
We rehearse behind doors
With our fellow Gryffindors
What she doesn’t know, she cannot take away!
HARRY:
Come on and lift your wand!
D.A. MEMBERS:
We’ve all grown very fond
Of the D.A.
When it’s grey
It’s what brightens up our day,
The D.A., the D.A., the D.A.!
HARRY:
Life is so perplexing--
Though I’m focused teaching hexing
I’m a mess
When I address
That girl, Cho Chang.
I just wish that I could be coherent
Suddenly, I’m drooling just like Fang.
CHO:
Six months, Cedric’s been dead
I can’t get it out of my head
But this exercise, this change to use my skills
Makes me want to dance around the castle
Makes me feel alive now
Makes me feel I can survive now!
UMBRIDGE:
The D.A.? The D.A.?
Why, I don’t know what to say!
What Dumbledore has got in store
Must be stopped now, I’ll find a way.
With this group must be more
All in league with Dumbledore.
He’s insane, I always knew it
Good thing Harry Potter blew it.
I’ll get help, lots and lots
MARIETTA:
I can’t cure these wretched spots!
UMBRIDGE:
How could he start up an army? Well, he’ll pay!
I’ve got a lot to do
Miss Edgecomb, I owe you
For the D.A.
HARRY:
The D.A.!
UMBRIDGE:
The D.A.!
HARRY:
The D.A.!
D.A. MEMBERS:
The D.A., the D.A.
It’s not merely child’s play!
We all do what we can do
To keep Lord Voldemort at bay.
Fight with grace, fight with ease.
HERMIONE:
Neville, dear, that spell makes cheese.
D.A. MEMBERS:
Though the danger’s always growing
This will help us to keep going.
HARRY:
Curse by curse
Spell by spell
‘Till you’re fighting so darn well
You can blow a dueling champion away!
UMBRIDGE:
Tonight we’ll sleep contented
Knowing we’ve prevented
The D.A.
HARRY:
The D.A.
UMBRIDGE:
The D.A.
ALL:
It’s the D.A.!
11. If You Won’t Listen (If I Can’t Love Her)
Snape is furious because Harry is not doing well in his Occlumency lessons and is still having odd dreams because he’s not paying attention to Snape’s instructions. This song was added to the Broadway version.
HARRY:
And in his twisted face
There’s not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hints of mercy.
That cold look in his eye
Like he wants me to die
Is scary, maybe even more than Percy.
SNAPE:
Hopeless
Can’t you learn this?
I’ll adjourn this
Session, but it seems
You’re helpless
Unprotected
I expected
You’d be having more dreams.
No warning can move you
No practice improve you
I can’t do a thing
If you won’t listen.
How else can I reach you?
There’s no way to teach you.
You could fight him off
Could seal your mind tight shut.
But if you won’t try
So what?
(Time passes. Harry finds Snape’s Pensieve and sees his worst memory. It bothers him, but not as much as it does Snape, who is completely outraged.)
HARRY:
How I wish I hadn’t seen
Scenes of Snape at age sixteen.
It’s been weeks, but I still can’t move onward!
SNAPE:
How could he be ruder?
How now can I tutor
That insolent boy
Who just won’t listen?
My words can’t correct him
How can I protect him
When every day
I’m forced to be unkind?
I know soon he’ll find
If I can’t teach him
Voldemort will have his mind!
Harry and Lord V: Beauty and the Beast Gone Potter by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes:
Please favorite this story, because it comes in two parts, and if you want to read the second act, they'll send you an email to tell you that it's been updated. Now, Beauty and the Beast was created by Alan Menken, Tim Rice, and Howard Ashman, and this parody would not be possible without their wonderful music and lyrics.
Chapter Endnotes:
So, if you've only seen the movie and not the Broadway play, I STRONGLY recommend you get the Broadway cast recording. It's great-- and so are the added songs. Watch out for more parodies-- possibly Hairspray, Legally Blonde, and the Lion King.