Gravity by afterglow745
Chapter Notes: Thank you so much to my beta Sarah (TheCursedQuill).
Set me free, leave me be
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity.
Lily Evans heaved a sigh as she sat, somewhat contentedly, beneath a large, shady tree beside the Black Lake. She willed herself to keep the dampness in her eyes hidden as she watched him pass, pointedly ignoring her. Turning her face again to the pages of her book, although she couldn’t focus on the words there on the page, Lily contemplated the variables that had damaged their friendship.
There were his friends, for one. He was always hanging around with the foulest members of Slytherin, even though he’d admitted to her that he did not agree with their ideals and unjust hatred to some of their kind. Anyone could tell that they were headed for the trouble that resulted from seeking fame and power, but Lily thought that she could look past that. Surely he couldn’t be as awful as them. After all, they were his housemates, and she couldn’t expect him to ignore them completely. She just wished they didn’t have to influence him so much.
His interests had changed, too. He no longer seemed to be content with researching things just to know about them, and it seemed to Lily that now he was only interested in learning if it would benefit him directly. She related it to the way they would explore in the woods behind her house as small children, searching for secret clearings in which they could discuss the wonders of the magic that flowed in their veins. But he didn’t want to explore anymore. Not for a place where they could simply be children, young at heart and inquisitive in nature. Time was only well spent when he gained something from the experience, and that did not include satisfaction from emotions such as happiness or contentedness.
Lily could remember when their relationship began to change and how simple it had seemed once they’d started Hogwarts. Friends from the very beginning, despite their opposing houses, they matured into two of a kind--- quiet, thoughtful Third Years, who valued heartfelt discussions about life and the magical world around them. He had met up with her after dinner one evening, and convinced her to take a walk with him on the grounds, amongst the remnants of a recent snowfall. Laughing and chatting, Lily remembered how she had wondered to herself how such a genuine person could be so disliked by some of her fellow Gryffindors. And then he’d kissed her. Chastely, shortly, and in such a clearly inexperienced way that it had made her giggle.
It had felt so right to her. He knew her like the back of his hand, and she him. At the time, Lily had laughed upon hearing about the supposed hatred between Slytherins and Gryffindors, and wondered how such a thing could exist when she was in the middle of something that contradicted it so soundly. He was always cautious and gentle when it came to her, and respectful of her opinions and the boundaries she had set for herself. The memory of their first kiss melted into bits and pieces of the time they’d come to spend together, often hidden in deserted corridors or dark hallways. Stolen moments and unexpected surprises they’d shared, his unwavering loyalty and support the backbone of their relationship.
She enjoyed two blissful, naïve years with him, until he began to see things differently. Lily painfully remembered watching him change throughout Fifth Year as he gradually adapted the ideals and ambitions of some of his fellow Slytherins. They became more distant, and their stolen moments fewer and less satisfying. Often a simple comment she’d make would be enough to set him off, and it would take him a couple of days to cool down and return to his normal self. They began to fight more regularly; their disagreements over larger issues and lasting longer each time. Lily began to wonder who her best friend had begun to turn into, and where she fit into his life.
She supposed that their breaking point had been after exams, nearly a year ago, when he had uttered those words that had broken her. She knew in her heart that the terms he tossed around casually had been taken from his new mates, and that he didn’t truly mean them. This time, however, it was so much different that she wondered if someone had addled with his brains at first. He had tried to talk to her in the days that followed soon after, but Lily couldn’t bring herself to listen to him. He had humiliated her in front of so many people, but more importantly, he had insulted her directly, compared to the generalized ideas he would offhandedly mention in reference to Muggleborns. Lily had been shocked to see the bold look in his eyes as he glared down upon her heritage from his throne of self-righteousness.
In the weeks that came after that day beside the lake, Lily found herself fighting her deepest desire: to run back into his arms claiming forgiveness. She missed him so much that she felt as though she had a permanent stomach ache, and her swift and frequent emotional changes made her feel like a floppy rag doll being swung around by her heartstrings. As much as she tried to push his image out of her head, she could still feel the ghost of his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, his lips on her neck, his hands tracing the skin of her outer thigh. Lily was in a state of mental anguish, deepened by each instance of passing in the hallway, their eyes each searching the other’s face, but never meeting.
She had denied him a conversation, possibly a chance to offer an explanation, and Lily now considered that maybe she should have heard him out. Each time she sat near him in a class, or when her gaze wandered near his presence during meals in the Great Hall, she was reminded of her mistake. She felt that her memories of their time together were inevitably bound to haunt her persistently, and for days she waged an internal war, debating with herself upon whether to approach him or refrain. After witnessing him exchange a rare smile at breakfast with a Slytherin girl, unfamiliar to her, Lily made her decision to request to speak with him that evening after dinner.
Upon completing their joint Potions lesson that afternoon, Lily made a point of uncharacteristically knocking over her armadillo bile so that she could stay back to catch him on his way out. As she was cleaning up her mess on the floor, she heard him exchanging greetings with another Slytherin boy, and they spoke of a meeting they were both to be attending later that night. Laughing carelessly, the unfamiliar boy asked him if he had received his “gift”, and he replied with a simple “yes”, grasping his left forearm in response. Lily knew in that instant that he had gone too far.
Sitting that evening alone in her dormitory, sprawled out on her four-poster with the hangings shut, Lily knew that she must escape his binds on her heart and mind. She could not understand where he had gone wrong, but she forced herself to think logically: He had received the “mark”, as they were calling it. It marked his official agreement with their ideals, and also meant that he endorsed ruthless and unnecessary brutal killings of Muggles, and the oppression of anyone without Pure Blood. She could not drown in her memories of what used to be between them, and of who he used to be.
She could not let her recollections of Severus keep her down any longer.
But you’re on to me, and all over me.
Chapter Endnotes: This story was inspired by the mesmerizing routine "Addiction" performed by Kayla Radomski and Kupono Aweau on the television show "So You Think You Can Dance", set to the song “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles.