“Have you got them?”
“Yes!”
“Shh, Hermione!”
“Sorry!”
“Well, where are they then?”
“In my pocket.”
“I said be quiet! He’ll hear us.”
“Oh, for heaven's sake, Harry. We’re in the flipping broom shed.”
“Well, you never know. There are so many Extendable Ears lying around the place, it’s ridiculous. You’ve got a spider in your hair, by the way.”
“Oh, goodness! Have I? Where?”
“Would you be quiet?”
“Get it off, get it off!”
“I will if you stop flapping your hands! Be still! There. It’s gone.”
“Ugh, remind me why we’re in this spider-infested broom shed.”
“Because we’re discussing Ron’s birthday surprise. I didn’t realise you were afraid of spiders.”
“I’m not. But if I brought one into the house… Well, you know what Ron’s like.”
“Blimey, he’s a bit pathetic, really.”
“Hey! I find it quite endearing sometimes, a bloke who’s not afraid to admit to his weaknesses...”
“Hermione? Are you sure the spider didn’t bite you?”
“Oh, come off it, Harry. And next time, I decide where we meet.”
“So, is this going to become a tradition? Ron’s annual birthday surprise?”
“Birthday joke, Harry. And not if it requires this much trouble.”
“What are you talking about? You’ve got them, haven’t you?”
“Yes, although it wasn’t easy.”
“But does he suspect anything?”
“No, Harry. This is Ron we’re talking about…”
“Right. So what did Oliver say when you asked him?”
“He laughed and told me to… Well, I won’t repeat it.”
“I thought as much. But still, you got them. How?”
“Well, after Oliver I went to Ginny.”
“Ginny?”
“Ginny.”
“My Ginny?”
“No, Ginny Codswallop, a Muggle friend of mine.”
“What?”
“Yes, Harry, your Ginny! Who else?”
“Sh!”
“Oh, get a grip Harry. He’s not going to hear us."
"So you asked Ginny?”
“Isn’t that what I just said?”
“Well, she didn’t say anything to me.”
“Of course not. I didn’t mention your involvement. Anyway, she laughed at me too…”
“Ha! I bet she did."
"You don’t think she’ll tell Ron, do you?”
“Well, I don’t have a brother so I wouldn’t know, but don’t you think that would be a bit awkward?"
"Would you tell Dudley?”
“Dudley is not my brother.”
“No, but close enough.”
“Hardly, Hermione. But even if we were… close, then I would not want to bring up a subject such as this.”
“Exactly.”
“Oh, I wish I’d seen Ginny’s face when you asked her, though!”
“I should have known better.”
“Too right, Hermione. What were you thinking, asking her?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, Harry Potter, but I’ve hardly got an address book full of professional Quidditch players! Anyway, why did I get lumped with this? It was your idea in the first place!”
“Hermione, I’m a guy.”
“Well done, it's good to see you making use of six years of magical education.”
“You just sounded like Snape, you know that?”
“Heaven forbid!”
“Hermione, if I went around asking for something like that then… Well, it doesn’t really go with my reputation, see?”
“And what about my reputation?”
“You’re a woman, Hermione, and you’re married to the man in question. It’s not that bad.”
“It’s incredibly embarrassing, actually. Oliver thought they were for myself, at first.”
“It’s a laugh, that’s all. But moving on, who did you go to after Ginny?”
“Well, I was running out of options and as you refused to help me…”
“Spit it out, Hermione.”
“Remember the Slug Club?”
“How could I forget? Zabini, McLaggen, Sanguini the Vampire…”
“Well, Slughorn introduced us all to some of his old students at one of his little gatherings once while you were with…”
“Dumbledore.”
“Yes. Harry? Are you okay?”
“What?”
“You’re eyes, they…”
“I’m fine. It’s nothing.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned…”
“I’m fine, Hermione. Really, I’m fine.”
“Okay.”
“Would you stop looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“As if I’m going to start quacking like poor Herbert Chorley.”
“Oh, sorry. I was just concerned. Who’s Herbert Chorley?”
“Don’t you remember? He was that junior Minister who was put under the Imperius Curse. He reacted rather badly.”
“Oh, yeah. That was appalling, I think he’s still in St. Mungo’s. Are you sure you’re okay, Harry? You know you can talk to me about anything.”
“I said I’m fine. You’d just go tell Ron and start worrying about my mental state and Ron would go and tell Ginny, and then Mrs. Weasley would get on the case and start feeding me up because I ‘looked too thin’ and… Anyway, where were we?”
“Gwenog Jones.”
“Oh, Hermione. You didn’t ask Gwenog Jones?”
“Yes. And you can remove that disbelief from your tone, Harry. I asked her and I was absolutely… mortified.”
“And what did she say? I always got the impression she was rather arrogant…”
“Yes, she is a bit. Typical member of the Slug Club. She looked at me very strangely, though. I don’t think she remembered meeting me at the Slug Club do.”
“I doubt Slughorn’s network was meant for enquiries of this sort, Hermione.”
“I know, I know. But I was running out of ideas.”
“I cannot believe you asked Gwenog Jones, the Gwenog Jones, for this!”
“Well, I did.”
“And she said?”
“No, of course. But she did give me some free tickets to the next game, which was kind considering what I’d just asked her. It’s the Harpies versus the Arrows though, so I don’t think Ron would be interested…”
“I’ll take them, thank you very much.”
“That’s very kind of you, Harry, to relieve me of this heavy burden but I had someone else in mind.”
“I’m your best friend!”
“My best friend?”
“Don’t scoff!”
“So you’re my best friend? My best friend who dumps this task on me and buggers off to protect his manly reputation? Very friendly, Harry, very friendly. How would I cope without you?”
“Give me a break, Hermione. What would you do if I asked you for something like this, completely out of the blue?”
“I would take you to St. Mungo’s straight away.”
“Exactly. But the tickets, why can’t I have them?”
“I was actually going to offer them to Kreacher.”
“What? My house-elf?”
“You’re acting very dim tonight, Harry. Yes, your house-elf.”
“Hermione, Kreacher may like you now, but I’ve never got the impression that he’s interested in Quidditch.”
“How would he know if he’s never been to a game?”
“House-elves don’t like heights anyway, Hermione. Remember Winky at the World Cup?”
“House-elves are individuals, Harry. Not all of them are afraid of heights. And Winky was frightened because she was supposed to be guarding Barty Crouch Junior.”
“This argument is going nowhere. Fine, give them to Kreacher.”
“Thank you, Harry.”
“Don’t mention it. But back to business, how on earth did you get it?”
“Well, there is one other professional Quidditch player I know.”
“Why are you grinning like that, Hermione? It’s weird.”
“Guess.”
“Oh no.”
“Oh yes.”
“Not-”
“Yes.”
“Ron is going to love this when he finds out how you got them.”
“He will never know, Harry. Never. Do I have your word, Harry? That Ron will never find out about who gave them to me?”
“No, no. Of course he won’t. Not from me anyway.”
“Good.”
“Still, Viktor Krum?”
“I don’t understand what you expected me to do, Harry.”
“If I’d known how difficult this was going to be-”
“You knew exactly how difficult this was going to be, Harry. That’s why you made me do it, because you’re too lazy. I always did your homework, and now that we’re adults I’m still doing it!”
“Sh!”
“Oh, will you stop shushing me! It’s rude and unnecessary.”
“Well, stop shrieking, woman! You’re like a banshee.”
“I’m going to ignore that statement.”
“Sorry, that was a bit harsh.”
“As I said, I’m going to ignore that statement.”
“Still, Viktor Krum?”
“Well, who else would you suggest?”
“I dunno.”
“Exactly.”
“Remember the Yule Ball?”
“What? Of course I remember the Yule Ball. One of my best nights at Hogwarts, although it took hours to do my hair... and then Ron went and ruined the whole thing.”
“You two were so blind back then.”
“We were fourteen, Harry! Besides, I wasn’t the blind one. It was all Ron’s fault.”
“You always think it’s Ron’s fault!”
“Because Harry, most of the time it is.”
“Yet you find his fear of spiders endearing.”
“Oh, shut up, Harry.”
“I wonder if McLaggen is afraid of spiders.”
“I shouldn’t think so. Why- oh, stop teasing me.”
“I’m just reminding you that you’ve made mistakes too, Hermione.”
“No, Ron’s lips had a Permanent Sticking Charm onto Lavender Brown’s. They drove me to McLaggen.”
“Ugh. Very true. That was rather disturbing.”
“Quite.”
“Still, you married Ron. You love him, don’t you?”
“Of course I love him, Harry! I’m just pointing out that he made many mistakes when we were younger. You two always, always stick up for each other and lump me with the blame, that’s all.”
“That is completely unfounded, Hermione. Give me one good example of Ron and me lumping the blame on you.”
“Third year, mystery Firebolt.”
“That was ridiculous, Hermione. You were at fault then.”
“But I was right!”
“That doesn’t count. Give me another example.”
“Food.”
“Food?”
“Yes, when we were searching for Horcruxes and you two got all cranky with me because I couldn’t conjure up any food.”
“That was mainly Ron. I coped with near-starvation very well.”
“Still…”
“Is that all you can come up with?”
“You two were pretty mean to me in first-year before the troll incident.”
“We thought you were a stuck-up know-it-all.”
“You didn’t give me a chance!”
“We did afterward. I can’t believe you’re still holding that against me and Ron!”
“Words hurt, Harry.”
“Well, I’m truly sorry, Hermione. You know we appreciate everything you’ve ever done for us. Homework, saving our lives…”
“This.”
“Ha! Yes, this.”
“All I can say is this better be worth it.”
“The look on Ron’s face is going to be priceless. I promise.”
“I know, I know. I can imagine him already…”
“So, you really asked Viktor Krum for a pair of Chudley Cannon Y-fronts?”
“They are the only piece of Cannon memorabilia that Ron does not own.”
“Wow, that was brave. I can’t believe Krum was actually able to get any.”
“Well, he played in the British League for a bit once. You know, did a Beckham.”
“A Beckham? Oh, right, a Beckham. But what did he say?”
“Oh, he laughed of course and…”
“And?”
“And he asked around and got a pair.”
“And? I can tell there’s something else. You’re blushing!”
“Oh, Harry, I’m not blushing.”
“You are, you are. You look like a cooked lobster.”
“So, first I’m a banshee and now I’m a lobster?”
“You make me sound so insensitive.”
“How would you like it if I called you a-”
“A what?”
“A… A… Oh, I don’t know.”
“Stop changing the subject. You were blushing. I want to know why?”
“I was not changing the subject.”
“You’re doing it again.”
“No, I’m not!”
“Hermione! What else did Krum say?”
“He asked how I was, you know, the usual. We don’t see much of each other anymore. Ron gets rather jealous.”
“You’re changing the-”
“Sh!”
“Oh, so who’s doing the shushing now, Miss Don’t-Interrupt-Me?”
“And he wanted to know if I wanted anything else…”
“Such as?”
“Well, he asked if I wanted a pair for myself.”
“He asked whether you wanted a pair of Chudley Cannon Y“fronts?”
“No, not exactly. He asked whether I wanted a pair of limited edition Viktor Krum embossed panties.”
A Birthday Joke by the opaleye
Story Notes:
Thanks to my beta, twilightHPgirl18/Becca.
Chapter Endnotes: Thanks to my beta, twilightHPgirl18/Becca.