“Lily’s what?” asked Remus, staring at James unable and scared to believe what he just heard.
“Pregnant,” he answered smiling. “We just found out.”
“I thought you two were going to wait?”
“Yeah, so did we, but...” James shrugged his shoulders. “It wasn’t planned and it is unexpected, but it doesn’t matter. I’m going to be a father.” The grin that spread over James face showed clearly the happiness he felt over this development.
“So, when is she going to have the baby?” Remus asked.
“In July, the Healer said the end of July,” said James.
“What’s wrong, Moony? You don’t look happy about this,” Sirius said, his voice strangely quiet.
“Nothing, it is great news. Congratulations,” he said quickly.
Even now, an hour later and alone, Remus could still hear the words James spoke. Lily is pregnant...end of July...pregnant...end of July...not planned...end of July... Over and over the words repeated themselves.
Remus dropped down onto his sofa only to stand again and stride over to the cabinet. He opened it and grabbed a bottle of Firewhisky. He didn’t bother with a glass, but carried the bottle outside and sat down on the back porch.
Pulling out the cork, he took a drink and let himself remember that morning...
*****
He heard the door of his apartment open then close softly. He reached for his wand but only succeeded in knocking the lamp off the nightstand. Forget it, he thought, I don’t have the strength or energy to fight anyway.
“Remus,” came a soft voice from the other side of his closed bedroom door, “are you okay?”
Lily, it was only Lily. “Yes,” he said weakly.
“I’m coming in,” she said as she opened the door. Taking one look at him, she shook her head. “If you call this okay, then I would hate to see you if you weren’t.”
Remus watched as she went into the bathroom and opened his medicine cabinet. She gathered the things she needed and came back to his bedside. Setting everything down on the bed, she picked up the lamp and turned it on.
“Okay, this is probably going to hurt a bit,” she told him as she began opening bottles and gauze pads. Carefully, she began cleaning the scratches on his face.
Remus sucked in a deep breath as the antiseptic made contact with his skin but he didn’t make any other sound or movement. He hated when Lily showed up here each month to take care of his cuts and bruises. He always planned on being awake and all cleaned up before she arrived, but each month, she managed to get here before he was able to move.
He hated the fact that anyone saw him like this. Even after all these years of friendship, he still had a hard time with his friends, his loved ones, being exposed to this side of him. It was one thing when he was running around the grounds at Hogwarts with the others, but even then, the day after was always a source of embarrassment for him.
Now that he spent the night locked away from everyone, the werewolf had reverted back to scratching and biting itself. He knew what he must look like to Lily. He had told her repeatedly not to come over, that he could take care of himself. Yet, every month, she showed up; that was the type of person she was.
“Remus, I’m sorry. I wish...”
He lifted his hand and placed a finger on her lips. “Lily, don’t. This is my life. It does no good to wish,” he said to her brusquely. Her sympathy caught him off-guard. She usually chided with him and joked about his many cuts and bruises, keeping the mood light. She knew he was never at his best in the mornings.
As a tear escaped from her eye, he caught it on a fingertip. “Tears are as useless as wishes. I think I can manage the rest alone. I am going to take a shower,” he said harshly. Her sympathy on top of the shame he was already feeling, pushed his anger to the forefront.
“Of course,” Lily said stiffly as she stood up. “I will go and make you some breakfast then.” As she left the bedroom, she closed the door with more force than necessary, but not quite slamming it.
“I don’t need another mother either!” Remus yelled after her. Anger propelled him into the bathroom even though his body protested against the movement.
His mood hadn’t improved even after his shower, though he knew he wasn’t mad at Lily. He was more embarrassed by the fact she saw him like this. But, even with that knowledge, he couldn’t quite turn off his temper.
He had smelled the bacon frying when he opened the bathroom door; now as he stepped out of his room, he could smell the eggs. What he didn’t smell was coffee.
Walking into the kitchen, he looked at the stove; no coffee was brewing. She must be really upset with me, he thought. She never forgets the coffee.
Going over to the cabinet, he pulled out the pot and filled it with water. As he added the coffee to the metal basket, he spilled some on the counter.
“Bloody hell,” he said as he reached to grab a towel to clean it up. His hand met Lily’s soft one as she did the same. “I can clean up my own mess, thank you,” he said.
“Fine,” Lily snapped back. She moved over to the stove and expertly slid the eggs out of the pan and onto the platter with the bacon. She set it down on the table and moved over to the chilled cabinet to take out the orange juice. Filling a glass, she placed it in front of the plate she had laid out for Remus, before returning the juice to the cabinet.
Remus heard her moving around behind him and knew he should apologise. He put the pot on the stove with more force than he had intended and turned the burner on high. He turned and sat down by the empty plate and without a word reached for the platter.
“Lily, look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m never at my best in the mornings and some mornings...” He let his voice trail off.
“Remus, I know perfectly well you’re not a morning person. I never expect sunshine and roses when I come over here on days like today,” she said. “But, there are some mornings where you would try the patience of Helga.”
Remus nodded as he began to eat. He watched as Lily stood and poured him a cup of coffee. He didn’t comment as she expertly added the right amount of sugar and milk. She is as knowledgeable as a wife, he thought.
“Aren’t you eating?” he asked gruffly.
“No, I already ate before coming over.” Her flush gave away the lie.
“Lily, this is too much for just me,” Remus said as he stood and took out a plate for her. He grabbed a fork out of the drawer and placed them in front of her. As he sat, he slid the platter closer to her and then put his glass of orange juice in front of her. He realised he had just done what she did with the coffee. He knew she preferred juice over coffee in the morning and automatically gave her what she liked.
“Lily, how many times have we shared breakfast?” he asked with what he hoped was a casual tone.
“Remus, we ate breakfast together almost every day at school,” she said.
“No, I mean like this...just us,” he said quietly.
“At least a couple dozen times since I am here most months,” she said. “Why?”
“My coffee, your juice,” Remus answered. At her confused look, he smiled. “You didn’t even ask how I wanted my coffee. You knew exactly when to shut it off and how much sugar and milk I wanted in it. I gave you my juice because I know you don’t like coffee. We both just did those things without thinking about them, almost as if...” He didn’t finish his thought.
“Well, we certainly fought this morning like we...” It seemed as if she couldn’t finish the same thought, either.
They both ate in silence, neither looking at the other. When Lily noticed Remus’ coffee cup empty, she stood and refilled it. She set the sugar and milk in front of him before sitting back down. Still they didn’t speak.
When Remus finished eating, he stood and took his plate to the sink. He grabbed the now empty platter and Lily’s plate and set them in the sink before going over and taking out the juice to refill Lily’s glass. As he set the juice container down, his arm brushed across Lily’s.
Her head snapped up and their eyes met and held. Without conscious thought, Remus reached down, took her hand, and pulled her to her feet and into his arms. He looked down at her and slowly”as if to give her time to object”lowered his lips to hers.
The kiss started out gentle but quickly grew in intensity. Within moments, Remus was beyond thinking. He scooped Lily up into his arms and carried her to his bedroom. No words were spoken.
******
Remus threw the bottle across the yard. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he could very well be the father of the child Lily now carried. He knew he could never ask. He could only hope he was wrong.
“It wasn’t planned and it is unexpected...” James had said. No, I can’t be, he thought. The baby is James’.
Remus stood and walked back into the house. He needed to get rest; tomorrow night was the full moon. He wouldn’t let himself worry over something that couldn’t possibly be true. Maybe he could find a way to talk to Lily, to ask her.
And just what would you say to her? he asked himself scornfully. By the way, Lily, I hear you are pregnant. Is it mine? Oh, yes, that would go over real well. He got undressed and climbed into his bed. His thoughts ran wild with the possibility of having a child. He closed his mind off to all thoughts and finally fell asleep.
*****
The soft knock on the door stopped Remus in his tracks. He was on his way to the kitchen to make coffee before he dealt with the scratches from the previous night’s transformation. He had just decided to ignore the knock and whoever was outside his door, when he heard the key turning in the lock.
He watched as Lily stepped softly inside and closed the door behind her. Remus wondered what she was doing here. She didn’t come last month, not that he expected her to. In fact, he hadn’t been alone with her since that morning two months ago. He avoided even seeing her when it was possible.
“Oh, Remus,” she said when she noticed him, “I didn’t think you were awake.”
“Lily, what are you doing here?” he asked, a bit harsher than he intended.
“I thought...well...Remus, we need to talk,” she said.
“Why? Is it mine?” he said gruffly.
Lily’s eyes filled with tears but the shocked expression on her face told Remus they were temper tears, as his mother called them, and not tears from being hurt.
“No, the baby is James’,” she said, her voice betraying the anger she felt.
“Then we have nothing to talk about, do we?”
Lily stood still for a second before pushing past him and into the kitchen. “Go take a cold shower and cool off, Lupin. When you can be civil again, your breakfast will be waiting.”
Remus opened his mouth to retort when Lily’s voice came again from the kitchen. “I know, you don’t need another mother. Go...shower...now!”
Remus chuckled and went to take his shower. Maybe I didn’t lose this friendship after all. Maybe everything will be fine and I didn’t make the mistake of a lifetime.