Severus Snape didn’t know how long it had been - seconds, hours, even days perhaps? But when he next opened his eyes, it wasn’t to the sight of his lost love. He was in a starkly white room, or, more precisely, he was lying in a bed with crisp linen sheets, pulled tight across his chest. The eyes staring down at him were dark. In his classroom, they’d always been twinkling, but today she looked sad.
“You survived the battle then, Nymphadora,” he said, and then, as he looked around, he asked, “Is this St. Mungo’s?”
“No, and no,” she replied and sighed. “We’re both dead.”
He tried to sit up, but his body was racked with pain. “If I’m dead, then why does everything hurt?”
She shrugged. “Does it? That’s odd. I wonder if it has something to do with how you died. Bellatrix got me with the Killing Curse, and that didn’t hurt. Bet she’s annoyed about that. I imagine snake venom would be very painful. It’s probably still in your system.”
He lay back down, momentarily luxuriating in the soft pillow under his head. “Why are you here?” he asked. Tonks muttered something.
”Speak up, Miss Tonks; if you have something to say, then pray, share it with me.”
She grinned slightly at his reversion to her stern professor. “Albus Dumbledore asked me to,” she explained. “He’s occupied, and the others ... the others are busy, or else they would have come.”
He let out a short laugh and gasped as the pain wrenched though his chest. “Others? Who the hell would be here to welcome me? Lord Voldemort perchance?”
Tonks leant forwards and gently touched his arm. “Lily,” she stated simply, and then added, “Albus told me.”
He turned his face away from her and stared at the wall. “She’s not here though, is she?”
“No,” Tonks replied. He heard her stand up. “She was Summoned by Harry “ they all were. So, Headmaster, you have to make do with me “ for now.”
“Not Headmaster,” he muttered, just as she’d reached the door. Tonks turned her head and looked at him enquiringly. “I never fully earned that honour.”
“What shall I call you then?” she asked. “Severus? Snape? Professor?”
“Anything but Snivellus.”
He heard them talking outside the room, then they lowered their voices to a whisper.
“I’ll come in with you, shall I?”
“No, James, don’t be silly. I’ll be fine. Besides, I think seeing you will only irritate him, and Albus said he needed to be kept calm.”
“And having you visit is going to calm him?” Severus could hear the amazement in Potter’s voice and almost see the derisive expression on his face. “Lily, love, he did all this for you. I really don’t think ...” James was silent. Severus wondered if Lily had cast a Silencing Charm on him, but when James spoke again, in a very different tone, he realised she must have kissed away his objections. “Why you?”
“He needs someone, James, and Albus thinks that’s probably me.”
“I’ll wait outside,” James informed her moodily. He paused. “Lily ... tell him ... thanks from me.”
Severus saw the handle on his door turn and as she walked in, he noticed she was still smiling at James. She turned around and looked at him.
“Hello, Sev,” she said softly. He gestured to the chair by his bed and tried to sit up. Lily walked forwards and moved some pillows behind his back. As she leant over him, he held his breath, not wanting to breathe in the scent of her skin “ not wanting to endure the pain that she was not his.
“Why are you here?” he asked bluntly. It was faintly disturbing to see her after all these years looking just as she had at Hogwarts. He wondered, for the first time, whether he looked older or whether he was the way she remembered him.
Lily smiled sadly. “Never one for social niceties, were you?” She sighed. “I’m here because you saved my son, Sev. I wanted to thank you and Albus is concerned. We don’t understand why you’re still here.”
“What, you think I should be in hell, or something?” he demanded scornfully. “Your opinion of me hasn’t changed since that day, has it?”
For a moment, she looked furious, and he thought she was going to leave, but then, Lily laughed. “Same old Sev. Never quite sure where you belong and always holding a grudge.” She looked at him calmly. “I know you don’t belong in hell, but I think you’re putting yourself there by your intransigence.”
“Intransigence? That’s the cauldron calling the kettle black, Lily. You never forgave me for one small slip of the tongue. You hated me since that day onwards, didn’t you? You married --” he spat the word. “”Potter and you knew I hated him. Couldn’t have had a more perfect revenge.”
Lily clutched at the chair arms; it seemed to be an attempt to stop herself leaving, because she took a few breaths before she spoke in a low, slightly harsh voice.“I married James because I loved him “ it had absolutely nothing to do with you.” She paused, and when she spoke again, her tone was compassionate. “You’re wrong, you know. I never hated you, Sev. I hated what you became, but I still loved the boy I grew up with.”
“Love?” he asked, and a spark of hope flickered in his eyes.
Lily placed her hand to his cheek and swept his hair back from his face. “You were my best friend, Sev. You told me what I was. Before I met you, I was this strange girl doing odd things.” Her eyes widened and she grinned. “But you showed me it was magic. Of course I loved you.”
He could feel his heart pounding. “Just as a friend, Lily? Or could it have been more?”
Lily ruffled his hair once more and then withdrew her hand. “Let me tell you something. I love James absolutely, and there’s no question about that. But I mourned you, Sev. I used to cry over the loss of you “ the loss of us. So, don’t turn your back on friendship “ it can be the only thing that holds you together.”
Severus stared at her, unblinking. “Why does Dumbledore think I’m still here?” he asked finally.
“You know Albus; he speaks in riddles most of the time. I think it has to do with acceptance.”
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, I’ve accepted I’m dead, haven’t I?” he snarled loudly. “I just want to get out of this sodding bed.”
The door opened and James entered the room, looking worried. “What’s happening? Why are you shouting at her?”
“James,” Lily murmured placatingly. “Everything is fine.” She stood up. “I think I should be going, though. Albus says that you still need to rest.”
“I’m DEAD,” Severus shouted. “How much more rest do I need?”
He looked at James, whose lips were twitching. “Find this funny, do you, Potter?”
James eyed him steadily. “Sorry, my mistake, I thought you were finally cracking a joke. I should have known you ...” Lily hit him in the chest and he stopped. Taking a deep breath, James walked towards the bed. “Thank you for saving my son, Severus.”
“Wotcher!”
“You’re back, then.”
“See, Remus, I told you he’d be pleased to see us.”
Severus turned his face towards the couple who were sitting by his bed. Lupin, he noticed, had conjured another chair, whilst Nymphadora (he refused to call her Tonks, especially as that wasn’t her surname anymore), helped herself to the grapes on his bedside table.
“You look a lot better today,” observed Tonks chirpily. “More colour in your cheeks. Are you still in pain?”
Severus ignored her. “Why are you here, Lupin?”
Remus stared at him and then edged further forwards on his chair. “I owe you my life,” he said. “That night when we took Harry from Privet Drive, you saved me.”
Severus grimaced. “At the time you thought I was trying to kill you, I believe,” he remarked sardonically. “And what did I do, except buy you a few more months?”
“Well, at the time, George had just lost his ear, so you can’t blame us for thinking the worst,” Remus replied. “And, yes, I’m dead now, but ...” he trailed off and looked at Tonks, almost furtively.
Tonks wasn’t smiling now, and Severus saw her eyes welling with tears. “You gave him time to know our son,” she whispered. She stood up and bent over him. Her lips on his cheek felt soft, and Severus struggled to remember the last time he’d been kissed quite so tenderly. “Thank you.”
He could sit up easily now, and although walking was still proving impossible, Severus was able to swing his legs off the bed and lift himself into a chair. Lily and Tonks continued to visit, the former bringing him books, which he read avidly, the latter sweets, which he rarely ate. James sometimes came with Lily, and they managed to broker a truce under her steely eye.
“Good afternoon, Severus.”
Severus opened his eyes to see Albus Dumbledore standing at the foot of his bed.
“Dumbledore, how pleasant,” he said disdainfully, for Dumbledore’s visits usually ended with his former Headmaster saying something enigmatic as he swept from the room. Severus had long since stopped trying to work out what he was talking about. “Come to talk to me about ‘love’ again?”
Dumbledore smiled. His eyes glanced over the bedside cabinet, taking in the sweet wrappers that were falling onto the floor, and the books stacked neatly in one corner. “You have had visitors, I see. Lily and Nymphadora?”
Severus followed his gaze and picked up one of the books. “She comes here to salve her conscience, wanting me to recover so she can get back to Potter. I’m not sure why Nymphadora returns. She has no such debt.”
“Not to you perhaps, Severus.” He walked across to the cabinet and picked through the empty wrappers to find a sweet. He popped it into his mouth.
“Help yourself,” muttered Severus as he glared at him.
“You are feeling better; that is good news.”
“Raring to leave,” he retorted. “Except I can’t, can I? Something is stopping me from discovering my heaven.” He stopped and stared at Dumbledore. “Do you know what that is?”
Dumbledore gazed out of the window, the sun illuminating his wrinkled face. “Are you still in pain?”
“Some days are better than others,” Severus admitted. “But surely I should be able to get out of here now. Snake venom cannot be that debilitating?”
Dumbledore paused. “It is not the snake venom now, Severus.”
Severus would watch Lily from the window as she walked with James. It hurt like an open sore to see them laughing together, and yet, he could not stop analysing every nuance of her face to watch for signs that it was over. But although he didn’t want to admit it, James clearly loved her, and she obviously loved him. For the first time he admitted to himself that he’d loved too much, she too little and that inequality would have broken them anyway.
“You shouldn’t torture yourself,” Tonks murmured to him from the doorway. “She’s happy where she is, and you’re not doing yourself any favours by brooding.”
He turned away from the window to see her stumbling into the room, sending the packets of sweets and stack of Potions journals she was carrying, flying. “Sorry,” she apologised. “I’m still as clumsy. You’d have thought a ghost couldn’t be clumsy.”
“You’re not a ghost,” he said irritably, “and why on earth wouldn’t you remain clumsy?”
Picking up the papers from the floor, she shuffled them back into a pile and placed them on his bedside cabinet. “Dunno, really. I think I just assumed that all my faults would disappear in the afterlife “ or at least be less obvious.”
Severus snorted.
“I don’t know why you think that’s funny,” she said, suddenly angry at his scorn. “Remus doesn’t feel any pain when he transforms now.”
“He still transforms?” Severus looked at her intently. “I wonder why...”
“Hmm, Professor, is that your brain whirring I can hear?” she gurgled, not angry anymore. She flipped through the papers she’d brought with her. “I thought these might interest you, while you’re stuck here. Papers on Potions - I’ve even found Damocles Belby’s original notes on Wolfsbane.”
“Why would I need those?”
Tonks shrugged. “I thought you might like something to occupy your time. You may even be able to find some improvements. You were an excellent Potions Master.”
He smiled imperially. “Perhaps, but is there any point?”
“Oh, what do I know?” she said, sighing. “I just thought it would keep you occupied, and stop you wallowing in the past.”
“Is that why you continue to come here?” he asked in a brusquer tone that he’d meant. “To stop yourself from wallowing?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Tonks protested, but she wouldn’t look at him.
Severus levered himself from the chair and back onto his bed. Tonks got up to move onto the empty chair, but he motioned for her to stay. “Nympha ... Tonks,” he began, “You have visited me every day, but I do not think you’re here for me.”
She said nothing, but stared into his black eyes. He noticed her hand nervously pleating the bedspread. He did not need a wand to know what she was thinking.
“You’re wondering if you made the right decision, aren’t you?” he asked softly, and tentatively he touched her hand with his fingertips. “And then, when you start to doubt yourself, you turn up to visit me ... I wonder why that is?”
She snatched her hand away. “I-I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You made a decision to fight and not stay with your son,” he informed her bluntly. He ignored her sharp gasp of breath. “That is what you have to confront, Nymphadora.”
“Don’t call me that name!” she screamed, suddenly irrational. “It’s TONKS.” She got up, sending the papers flying around the room. “Do you think I would have fought if I’d known I was going to die? Do you think I wanted to leave Teddy?”
He watched as she frenziedly clutched at her hair. “No,” Severus said bleakly. “I don’t think you thought for one instant. I doubt your death ever crossed your mind. You were too worried about your husband.”
Tonks stared at him for a long time; he saw the colour run from her face, and watched as her breathing slowly returned to normal. Then she began to pick up the papers. When she’d gathered them all up, she placed them neatly on his bedside cabinet. She picked up all the sweet wrappers and threw them in the bin. “I need to get back,” she said abruptly.
“Snivellus!”
“Black, how nice of you to call.”
“You’ve upset my cousin. She’s crying and won’t talk to anyone “ not even Remus. What did you say to her?” demanded Sirius as he strode into the room.
Severus glared at him. “I told her she had to live with her decision, that’s all.”
“What decision?” Sirius sounded confused as he stopped in the middle of the room.
“The decision to fight and not stay with her infant son. I can’t believe you didn’t know, Black. I thought you were supposed to be intelligent.”
“You told her she should have stayed behind!” Sirius approached the bed and Severus could see the fury in his face, but he wasn’t at all scared. Instead, he felt a faint spark of something ... perhaps it was anger ... perhaps it was life ... flicker inside him.
“Of course I didn’t,” he drawled in reply. “I would never be so tactless.”
“Meaning what, exactly?”
“Meaning that you and Potter were never known for your empathy, were you?”
“And you were?” Sirius scoffed. He leant against the chair and stared at Severus.
Severus sat up, barely noticing that he didn’t wince. “She may be your cousin, and married to your friend, but you didn’t know the girl. I was her professor for seven years, Black, and that gave me a certain insight into her mind.”
“You used Legilimency on her? Ye gods, that’s low, even for you, Snivellus. Reading her mind as a teenager, what were you trying to do?”
At this insinuation, Severus snapped. “We’re not all driven by the same base urges as you, Black! And I didn’t use Legilimency. Even you must have realised she has an open mind. She shows her emotions ... or she used to.”
Sirius was silent. Slowly, he moved from the back of the chair and sat down. “I know that,” he said softly. “But she’s been fine. It’s not like the last time ... not like when Remus left her.”
Severus looked at him in surprise. “How do you know what she was like? You were dead. You never saw her depressed, unable to use her extraordinary powers when he left for the werewolf lair.”
Sirius smiled bitterly. “If you ever decide to get out of your bed, Snivellus, you’ll find out that you can watch the other side.” He paused. “It’s not for everyone. You can’t alter events, and watching those you care about make the same mistakes is frustrating. But it’s there if you want it “ if you need it.”
Severus stared at him. “And that’s what you did - watched your cousin?”
“Sometimes,” replied Sirius, and then he shrugged. “Usually, I wanted to check on Harry, so I’d stand there with James and Lily “” Severus flinched, and Sirius snorted “”you still hate the boy, don’t you? Lily’s son and you hate him.”
“Potter’s son!” Severus corrected vehemently. “So alike.”
“Bollocks!” Sirius laughed. “I made that mistake too, but watching him through that bloody veil showed me he was Lily’s son, too. I’m surprised you couldn’t see that in his mind as you’re so sodding empathic ...” His eyes widened. “You didn’t want to, did you? You couldn’t bear the proof that Lily loved James.”
“SHUT UP!” Severus swung out of the bed and tried to stand, but his legs buckled and he fell “ hard “onto the floor.
“Temper, temper, Snivelly,” mocked Sirius, but he bent down to help him up.
“Get off me! I can do it,” Severus snarled through gritted teeth. He lifted up his arms and gripped the metal frame, then levered himself back onto the bed. This was humiliating, to be so weak in front of Black, but he wouldn’t show that he needed him.
He looked at his enemy, expecting to see scorn on his face, but Sirius was gazing out of the window. “We all know Tonks isn’t happy, you know,” he reflected quietly. “No one is when they die “ especially not when they’ve left something important behind, but she was settling down. You made it worse.”
“I lanced the wound, Black, otherwise she’d fester.”
Sirius contemplated him. “Why are you festering then?”
Severus started and opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius leant forwards and continued. “You have nothing back there in that world. You clearly didn’t want to return as a ghost, so why are you still in bed? Unless ... oh, hold on ...” Sirius stopped and a smile played on his lips, “... this is your heaven isn’t it? Lily, Tonks and Albus worried, James and Remus feeling guilty.”
“Think what you like, Black. You always do. I’d like some rest now, so leave.”
“Merlin, you’re an arrogant sod! We all died fighting Voldemort’s cause, you know. You’re not the only one!” Sirius shouted. He clenched his jaw, fury firing from his eyes.
“Yes, Black, falling through a curtain, very noble of you,” Severus sneered. He could feel an emotion surging inside him. It felt familiar, but almost forgotten amongst all the sympathy that he’d been drowning in. “Getting hexed the first time you escaped your leash; how unfortunate.”
“Twelve years in Azkaban, whilst you were tucked up in your cosy dungeon at Hogwarts,” Sirius countered. He began pacing around the room. “You have no idea.”
“YOU DESERVED IT!” Severus shouted. “You switched with Pettigrew. How could you not know what he was?” The anger coursed through him like a white flame, scorching his innards.
“DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?” Sirius’ face was suffused red with rage. “He was our friend. We had no reason to doubt him “ not then.”
“Your loyalties to each other made it all so very easy,” Severus asserted with a grimace. “You’d never believe Pettigrew would think badly of you, so blindly arrogant the pair of you. Yet I knew.”
“Knew what?” Sirius stopped at the foot of the bed and gripped onto the metal frame. His grey eyes glittered dangerously, but Severus was past caring.
“Knew that he was weak, and that was your weakness, Black. Loyalty to your friends, the belief that you all felt the same. WEAK!” He stopped and watched Sirius’ hands as the knuckles became white.
This felt wonderful.
“You turned him?” uttered Sirius in a voice so soft it was almost as if Severus were listening to the breeze.
Severus splayed his hands across the white bedspread, enjoying the feeling that Sirius was waiting “ waiting for him to speak. “I suggested to the Dark Lord where you were vulnerable, that was all.”
“All?” Sirius questioned in horror. “You knew he was a spy all along, but you never said a word.” Swiftly, he walked to the side of the bed and lunged at Severus yelling, “You hated me so much that you let me rot in Azkaban!”
Severus lifted his arms and sent Sirius sprawling across the floor. “I didn’t know he was the Secret-Keeper.”
Sirius sat on the floor and ran a hand through his hair. “You could have told Albus; you were his spy by then, but you didn’t. For all your platitudes about wanting to do the right thing, to make up for that part of the Prophecy you told to Voldemort, you never said the one thing that could have saved them.” He met Severus’ gaze. “Why?”
Wrenching his eyes away, Severus looked at the wall. “I asked you to leave,” he said lifelessly.
“No, no, no. This is getting interesting.” Sitting on the chair, and placing his feet on the bed, Sirius leant back. “Okay, so you thought I was the Secret-Keeper and knew I’d never tell. Lily is safe ... but ... she’s still with James and Harry. You can’t be happy about that. You’ve become a spy to save her. Put yourself in incredible danger, but she doesn’t know. Gods, that must have rankled! Meanwhile, James is safe at Godric’s Hollow with the girl of your dreams and their child. If you’d told Albus about Pettigrew then James would be alive ... Lily would be alive...” He bent down close to Severus’ ear and whispered, “... and that’s who you love, isn’t it, Snivellus?”
“Why are you going through all this?” Severus glared at him. “Yes, I loved Lily Evans. I still love her. Is that what you want to hear?”
He was surprised to see that Sirius didn’t smirk at this point. He didn’t laugh or mock him. Instead, Sirius removed his feet from the bed and brushed off the dried mud from the bedspread that had dropped from his shoes.
“Not really,” he replied, sighing. “I know you love her.” He leant forwards. “You must know you’ll never be with her. Not even death parted that pair.” Sirius paused. “I just want to know why you didn’t ever tell Albus about Peter. Did you hate us that much?”
Severus looked away. “Yes,” he admitted at last. “I hated you all. And knowing that your little friend, Wormtail, was no longer a brave ‘Marauder’ was like finding a hoard of goblin-made jewellery.” There was a strange sensation in his legs, a tingling, burning feeling that waved through him. “I enjoyed the knowledge that I had one over you.”
“Meanwhile, you watched as Order members were picked off one-by-one,” pondered Sirius with a touch of menace in his voice.
“Pettigrew wasn’t that useful, and most of those deaths were long before I became Dumbledore’s spy.”
“You could still have told him. It would have saved their lives,” Sirius insisted.
Severus paused. He wanted Sirius to leave, wanted the man out of his room so he didn’t have to debate all of this aloud. He opened his mouth to order him away but instead he said quietly, “I know. Add it to my list of regrets, Black.” Severus stared at the ceiling. “For years, my hatred of the four of you kept me going. Then it was love for a memory of a girl. Now that I’m dead, I have nothing left.”
“You saved Remus,” Sirius stated calmly. “You don’t hate him anymore.”
“Lupin was never quite as obnoxious as you and Potter.”
Sirius laughed. “True,” he admitted, as he looked out of the window.
Following his gaze, Severus saw James, Lily, Remus and Tonks walking across the courtyard.
“I don’t want to see them,” he said to Sirius. “Will you tell them to go?”
“Tonks is smiling,” Sirius mused. “That’s the first proper smile she’s given for weeks.” He looked at Severus. “You appear to have done some good.” Sirius held out his hand. “I’ll tell them you’re sleeping, Severus.”
Raising one eyebrow, Severus looked at the outstretched hand, and then, very slowly, he raised his own. There was no Dumbledore ordering them to be civil now. This was a gesture seen by none but the two antagonists.
They shook hands.
“Thank you ... Sirius.”
“So, this is where you live now, Professor.” Tonks chirpy voice came from the door. “Not as bright as that hospital room, but I bet you were sick of all that white.”
Severus lifted his head up from the cauldron he was stirring. “Pass me the aconite, will you, Miss Tonks?”
She walked into the darkened room, glancing at the rows and rows of strangely coloured jars. Her fingers traced the names until she found the one he’d asked for. “What are you brewing?”
Severus frowned at her. “Come, come, Miss Tonks, you were always a good Potions student. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.”
She mock-scowled at him as she looked at the ingredients laid out on his bench. “It’s Tonks or Mrs Lupin to you, Professor. Oh, you’re making Wolfsbane, aren’t you?” He nodded. “I thought there was no point?”
Severus grunted something.
“Speak up, Professor, I can’t hear you.”
“Damocles Belby was a fool. I should be able to improve on his work.”
Tonks walked around the room, sniffing at herbs hanging in bunches from the low beams, occasionally stopping to peer into cauldrons, until she came to something bubbling violently at the back.
“What’s this?” she asked.
Severus looked up. “Best not touch that, Tonks. It belongs to Sirius.”
“Sirius?” she asked in amazement. “What’s he brewing, and why here?”
He smiled at her “not a sneer, or a smirk “ but an actual grin. “I think it’s Firewhisky. He needed some help with the initial fermentation process, but he seems to be progressing without my help now.” He paused, adding grudgingly, “He’s quite a good brewer.”
“Sweet Merlin, Professor, you sound as if you two are friends.”
Severus closed his eyes, remembering another’s words from two months ago.
Don’t turn your back on friendship. It can be the only thing that holds you together.
“Nonsense, Miss Tonks,” he snapped. “We merely share an interest in Potions.”
She giggled. “I remember you teaching me that unorthodox methods can, on occasions, produce extraordinary results.” She sniffed again at the Firewhisky. “Does this particular potion mean an end to your quarrelling?”
He smiled slightly, remembering his rage yesterday when Sirius’ experimentation had nearly blown up the classroom. “I very much doubt that, Miss Tonks. It would have to be something exceedingly unorthodox to produce the results you are hoping for.”
“Ah,” she observed, “but then the base ingredients are two exceedingly unorthodox and quite extraordinary men. And that being the case, Professor, I think we may yet find peace in heaven.”