This won’t be the first time that I’ll give it all I’ve got
I promise I don’t mean for everything to turn out wrong
These grounds are so familiar, but I’m a stranger to this feeling. Here we are, walking hand in hand under the soft glow of moonlight. You have finally given me a second chance, but it’s a chance I cannot allow myself to take. I love you too much.
“Severus, I know you didn’t mean what you said,” you say to me. This isn’t about that at all. You are far too brilliant to believe that I would ever say something to intentionally hurt you. I’ve dug myself into a hole, and I’m far too deep to even dream of escape. If you join me, you shall be trapped as well. I can’t let that happen; you wouldn’t survive the fall.
“Lily…” I am not sure where to begin. “Believe me when I say that I will never stop loving you as long as I live.”
“Always the hopeless romantic. Stop teasing me with poet’s words. Just talk to me, Sev.” I secretly love it when you call me that. Your eyes dance, lit up not by the moon but by your soul. Those eyes, more green than the serpent embroidered on my robes, I cannot help but gaze into them. You are making this even more difficult for me to say.
“If I could go back in time, I would change it all, I swear…” I begin.
“I said that you’re forgiven. Really. Everyone makes mistakes - everyone says things that they don’t mean.” Stop calling up that memory, I beg of you.
“It’s not about that.” I take a deep breath and say the words which have been practiced in the mirror for days on end, all leading up to this. “I’ve done something that can’t be taken back, Lily.” My heart pounds as I watch your expression slowly change. You raise one eyebrow as if you’re not sure what I mean, and then you frown and wrinkle your nose. I exhale. There, I said it.
“So who was it, then? Bellatrix? Fiona?” You inquire. I stare at the ground. That was most definitely not what I expected you to infer. Perhaps Potter’s mannerisms have rubbed off on you, after all.
“No I… he…” I stutter. You smile mischievously and I immediately wish that I had chosen my words more carefully. Perhaps I should have told you in a letter. This was all coming out wrong.
“Oh, so it’s a he? I never would have guessed you were like that. It’s okay, I’m liberal.”
“No! That’s not it at all!” I say adamantly. How am I ever going to explain this to you? Perhaps it would be better to just show you. I clutch my sleeve nervously. You might turn me in, knowing your loyalty to the Order and Dumbledore. Perhaps that would be for the best. Perhaps the world will be better off without me anyways.
I’m not a complex person, wind me up and watch me go
You’ll always be second to my love for the unknown
“I’m on the other side now, Lily.” Your name suddenly feels alien on my tongue, and I’m not sure why. Your emerald eyes are suddenly filled not with light but with fear, and then with tears. You let go of my hands and walk away slowly.
“I never thought you would actually… I knew you sympathized with them but… those barbarians, Severus, they kill muggle-borns… people like me, Severus…” I cannot meet your gaze. I know that I disappointed you. I know that I disappointed Dumbledore. I’ve disappointed everybody who I care most deeply about, but it’s too late now. I have to face my choices.
“I’m so sorry. If I could take it back, I would without question -”
“Sorry? Sorry doesn’t cut it for this. I trusted you.” Your words sting my heart; I was anticipating this. Tears are now rolling freely off of your cheeks, and I approach you to wipe them off. I am not surprised when you push me away. “Don’t touch me, traitor.”
Traitor. That is exactly what I am. I cannot deny it. This is the way it must be done. I raise my wand and point it directly between your eyes. I know the spell.
Now the dark is all around us but for the full moon in the sky
The world is silent to me, we’re the only ones alive
“Are you going to kill me, Sev?” Your voice is not mocking. It quivers with the innocence of a child. “I love you, and I want to be with you forever if you’ll still have me. That’s all I wanted to say tonight.” These words are said with sincerity. I drop my wand.
“Say it again,” I challenge. “I’m not going to kill you.”
“I love you. Please don’t say that this is true. Please.” I shake my head and bend down to pick up my wand from the snow. My heart feels numb with shock. We can’t do this. I have to be the strong one. I have to protect you.
“I can’t lie to you. I have loved you all my life, and like I said, I always will. This is why I can’t have you. I can’t bear to put you into that kind of danger. I’m sorry.” This feels so strange to me. I would have never guessed that I would be the one turning you down. It is all for the best, I must keep telling myself.
“It’s my choice. What if I choose to put myself in danger? I want to be with you, Sev, I -”
“No,” I say firmly. “If anything were to happen to you, I would blame myself forever. My life would be a living Hell. If you really care about me, you will understand. We can’t be together,” my voice falters upon saying the last sentence, cracking like a small boy’s. I search your face for a reaction, but you give me none. You are thinking, but about what, I will never be able to guess.
“I understand. I just don’t want to live without you.” I never wanted to make you cry.
“You’ll be safer with James. He’s a good man. He loves you very much, I can tell.”
“He’s not you, though.” You walk up to me, your gaze locked with mine. I can smell your sweet perfume. I am suddenly seized by surprisingly strong arms, and I respond with an equally passionate embrace. We hold each other for what could have been an eternity. I smile in spite of the tears gathering in my eyes. You are the first one to let go.
It’s too late for me, but you can still be free if you leave now…
“Goodbye,” you whisper.
...And don’t look back, my love.
Don't Look Back by Virgil
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. I don’t own the characters or the world in which they live. I am also not Alex Day, but you can listen to his song “Don’t Look Back” at alexdaymusic.com or buy it on iTunes.
Chapter Notes: I’d like to thank my older sister for introducing me to the “Alex Reads Twilight” videos, which led me to Alex Day’s YouTube channel which resulted in the discovery of the song “Don’t Look Back,” the inspiration for this one-shot. I love you, Carol. All of the lyrics in italics belong to Alex Day.
Chapter Endnotes: Please leave a review, even if you didn’t like it all that much! I really do appreciate feedback on my writing. Thank you!