Saturday, January 9, 1982
“How many birthdays did you share with Lily? Her son had but one,” Albus Dumbledore said as he sat down for breakfast and reached for the toast caddy.
Severus Snape’s hand, poised to cut the top off an egg, dropped the knife noisily onto the charger plate. Suddenly nauseous, he swallowed deeply as the bile rose in his throat. The young wizard glanced at the headmaster. Dumbledore had a studied expression of innocence on his face, all the while scooping a heaping spoonful of marmalade onto a slice of toast.
The man could have been a Slytherin.
He should have known the headmaster would choose today to rub more salt into the very large wound that was Lily. The man almost seemed to enjoy seeing his former student’s discomposure by bringing up her name when he least expected it. Except, having spied, he should have known to expect the unexpected”from anyone at any time”especially from the most powerful wizard alive.
The young Potions master perused the Great Hall to see if anyone had noticed his discomposure.
A few of the older members of Gryffindor, who remembered him as a glowering seventh year, hurriedly looked away from his intense black glare. They seemed to believe he knew exactly what they were thinking, and Snape was not about to dispel their suspicions.
Severus had felt a bit out of his depth; he had no idea how to teach. Albus Dumbledore had given him a teaching job and otherwise little more than Slughorn’s old teaching guides. They consisted of a jumble of potions that didn’t logically progress forwards.
With some trepidation, he had approached the Deputy Headmistress a few days before he began teaching. He’d been aware that his old Transfiguration teacher had not particularly liked him when he was a student, but all the same, she had always been moderately fair in her dealings with him. He thought she might be relatively open to his plight.
“Students will try to take advantage of you if you don’t establish yourself as their professor,” she had said. “You’re not so long out of school not to know that, Severus. At the same time, not allowing students to make mistakes will not teach them how to figure things out on their own.”
He had mulled over the witch’s suggestion. No, I don't agree with allowing them to 'find things out on their own.' It's absolute idiocy.
“I suggest you follow Horace Slughorn’s curriculum for a term before you make any decisions about changing it,” McGonagall suggested as she poured two cups of strong tea. “Instruct the first and second years on the basics; it’s the only way to give the young witches and wizards a firm understanding of the principles of magic.” She waved one cup over to Severus.
In the end, it had been the Head of Gryffindor who had given him practical information on how to teach, not the headmaster. Dumbledore had left him to succeed or fail on his own intrinsic ability.
Hogwarts students learned very quickly that the new Potions master was strict and quick to take points for the slightest infraction”real or imagined. The students noted that trying to get in good with Professor Snape was pointless; he wasn’t interested in furthering himself through social connections the way his cheerful predecessor had been.
In fact, they seemed to think he was rude, sarcastic, and impossible to please. He would beg to differ about being rude; he was merely honest. Yes, he knew he had a biting sarcasm; but then who wouldn’t if they’d heard the pitiful excuses his students gave him?
“Professor Snape, Trevor’s cat peed on my scroll.” Severus had demanded to see the urine stained homework, and then had taken five points from Hufflepuff when Bones couldn’t produce the scroll.
“I had detention with Mr. Filch until eleven last night, in case you forgot.” He had given Weasley another detention for his attitude.
“Sir, Morgana hexed my quill.”
The students must think I am an idiot if they think I’d fall for that! Severus thought as he glared at a Gryffindor walking past him.
He had a position of authority and wasn’t afraid to use it. Snape found a modicum of self-satisfaction in getting revenge for all the humiliations he’d endured as a student. The focus of his negative attention tended to lean most often towards Gryffindors. Yes, he knew it was often petty, but it helped to assuage some of his resentment at the treatment he had received from four of their predecessors.
Even the students in Slytherin learned that he was difficult”that he constantly monitored and harangued them for a lack of cunning.
“You dunderheads would do well to learn the art of subtlety,” he’d tell them. Snape was no easy-going Slughorn.
The other professors thought he favoured his own House”which was true. He did not want his House to lose points for stupidity. Severus wasn’t so far removed from a student’s life that he didn’t want to see Slytherin victorious”at least over Gryffindor.
The banal conversations of the students annoyed him. The first years were aggravating because they spoke without permission, wiggled on their benches, and wrote as if they were complete illiterates. More than a fair few had fled his dungeon in tears when he tongue-lashed them, and he didn’t care.
Dumbledore had given him a job to do whether he was suited to it or not”and Snape did not like very much. Thus far the headmaster hadn’t complained about the way he ran his lessons or treated his students. When students complained about ‘Snape,’ Dumbledore corrected them with a firm reminder that he was ‘Professor Snape.’ Though the headmaster would reduce the punishments his Potions master meted out to Gryffindors more often than he cared to think.
Perhaps what Severus Snape found most irritating was Professor Dumbledore’s attempts at consoling him. One December morning, looking over the top of his half-moon glasses, the old man put down his sugary cup of tea.
“I'm sure that with the passing of time you'll feel the pain recede, and you might not think of her every day," the old wizard said with some sympathy. "The past is history; it cannot be altered. We, all of us, have to look to the future. Lily's son will one day enter the doors of Hogwarts. He might even want to learn about her from someone who loved her."
Severus felt angry, bile rising in his throat. He could only hope the brat looked like his father. He didn't want the boy to have her hair, her eyes, her anything. He'd forever be Sisyphus, condemned to only to see the child that should have been his and Lily's”if he had he not said those words”if James Potter had not stolen her heart from him”if he had not spoken those damnable words.
Damnable Words by talloakslady
Story Notes:
Snape's first birthday after Lily's murder.
Chapter Notes: He'd forever be Sisyphus, condemned to only to see the child that should have been his and Lily's—if he had he not said those words—if James Potter had not stolen her heart from him—if he had not spoken those damnable words.
Chapter Endnotes: Many hearty thank you's to Cecelle, my amazing beta.