Rules.
How easy it was to break them.
All it took was a smile, a few good conversations, and some daredevilry on your part to take risks and do the impossible.
I knew she was off-limits from day one, just as she knew I was to her. We were kids then, kids who listened to their parents because, after all, who else can you trust? Yet I dare you! I dare you to go through what I did and not run headlong into love. I dare you to imagine being with this…this person and not do something about it. This hypothetical person.
Now, let’s say this hypothetical person was the one person who you couldn’t look at. Or like. Or even acknowledge the presence of. And then, this hypothetical person was thrust into your life by, say…not fate. Not fate, but Sorting Hats, and school lessons, and detentions, and just those things which are out of your control. And you tried. You tried your level best to toe the line. You tried your level best to avoid her, ignore her, pretend to loathe her, mock her, do all sorts of stuff, and follow all sorts of strategies to keep her away from your existence.
But – like a Fanged Frisbee, a particularly resilient Fanged Frisbee, she could fly at you without any hesitation. And, just like the Zonko product, she could snarl and bite and retort, and look angry and scary. Say, she frustrated you just as much as she amused you, and she could make your heart race with both indignation and admiration. Say, before long, you were tired of your masquerade, and all you wanted to do was just be cool with her. And behave with her like normal humans did.
What would you do?
I’ll tell you what I did. I walked up to her and said ‘Hi’. And when she frowned at me intensely as though she was trying to figure out what the hell I was up to, I let my guard down. I left myself in her mercy, and Merlin, she really took her chance. I let her laugh at me, I let her ridicule me, I let her do whatever she wanted until she was going to believe I had stopped playing the game.
It took time, but she finally got smart and relented. And – with no parents to glare at us, although the many offended cousins were there – we became civil to each other. That was the first rule we broke.
Then, we became friends. We began doing everything together – homework, classes, meals. Second rule went snap, and not once did she let her offended cousins ruin it for us. I think that’s when I began to see her as something more than my mate.
I was scared shitless when I realised I was knee-deep in love with her. I say ‘knee-deep’ because my first reactions were purely physical. She started looking prettier. Her brown hair became glossy in my eyes, while her blue eyes seemed to sparkle. Her body was somehow much more apparent beneath her clothes, while her lips appeared to be the most prominent part of her face. I was careful not to come into contact with any part of her, although she would often touch me sometimes without knowing it – like, my arms, hands, and hair. It would make me difficult to breathe and act normally.
Soon, whatever you could call it – the swamp of love, the well of love, the ocean of love, the whatever-of-love – I was neck-deep in it. Just the idea of her – the whole her – began to appeal to me. Her laughter, her tears, the way she alternately made me feel happy and angry, the way I could depend on her as she depended on me, the way I could trust her not to leave me as I would stick to her – these…these ‘truths’ overwhelmed me.
I was...All right, don’t laugh, but this is how I felt: I was riding among the stars. And that was the third rule I broke.
I suppose nobody would have minded if I had just kept it to myself, but how long would you have waited? Although I’ve never been the type to speak my mind as I fancied, blurting out whatever I felt, I knew I possibly couldn’t hide this forever. I was going to burst with a strange mix of emotions – joy, grief, despair, hopefulness, desire, and a whole lot of other things which are hard to put down in words. Before long, I had broken the fourth rule: I told her I loved her.
You’ll only know how scared I was when you go through something similar. Imagine you wanted something pretty badly, and this something was within your grasp. But you knew if you held out your hand to touch it, it could disappear into thin air. That was the predicament I was in. I decided I couldn’t wait any longer; if I did, I could lose her to some git or the other. I was a teenager, and those were my adolescent worries, and I did what I reckoned should be done.
And…
And, she didn’t flinch or frown or slap or hex me. She looked at me with this indescribable expression on her face that could have meant anything, and she broke into a smile that was worth a hundred…no, a thousand Patronus Charms. I sincerely believe I could have taken on a whole tribe of Dementors armed with that smile. It was just that beautiful.
And then, I hexed to bits what I thought was the final rule. I kissed her.
I kissed her and it could have killed me with joy. It could have made me tapdance if I weren’t wrapped within her arms.
I couldn’t believe my luck. No, it wasn’t the fact that I was kissing the one girl I wanted more than anything else; it was the incredible revelation that she wanted me just as much.
That was two years ago.
Tonight, I happened to destroy what is actually the final, final rule (if you happen to be Ronald Bilius Weasley or Draco Malfoy, those old, boring toads).
Tonight, we made love for the first time (and not the last, I’m hoping to Merlin).
Tonight, I found out I couldn’t leave her if I tried, that I couldn’t hurt her if I were forced to; that she was the most delicate and precious thing in the world, and I had to be extra soft, extra careful; that she could make me weep with happiness; that she could feel a certain way; that she could sing to me without a voice, but with her eyes and the million expressions on her face; that she could save me with a tender touch.
Tonight, I understood what it was to want someone who you already had.
Tonight, I remembered I am not who I am without her. She is what shaped me.
Now, for something that important and magical, wouldn’t you, too, break the rules?