Chapter Four
The next day, it was as if nothing had happened at all. The warm kisses and embraces they had shared over the weekend were forgotten, and everything went back to the way it had been. Nothing had changed, it seemed.
James looked up when Lily entered the Great Hall for breakfast on Monday morning, and though his face initially hardened, it soon relaxed into a small smile, as if he really wanted to be mad at her but couldn’t. She certainly understood the feeling after years of similar sentiments.
She smiled back, wondering if James was feeling the same as she was inside: confused, embarrassed, uncertain. Stealing glances down the table, she thought he seemed slightly distracted. His friends were teasing him about something, but he just kept shrugging them off. Her own friends were trying to get her attention, so she finally turned away and tried to act as if nothing were bothering her, even though she could hardly concentrate on anything they were saying.
Classes that day were fine, although Lily felt like James was watching her all through Transfiguration. She was supposed to turn Mary into a striped tabby, but had only managed to give her fluffy ears and a tail. Sneaking a sideways look at James, she saw that he had not only managed to turn Sirius into a perfect fluffy white rabbit, but had added a top hat and bowtie as well. She caught Remus’s eye before turning away, embarrassed.
The prefects’ meeting that night was short and to the point. Lily let James take the lead and just listened, too distracted by her thoughts to contribute much at all. She found herself staring at him several times, remembering their stolen kisses over the weekend, and had to shake herself out of a reverie when he asked her about the upcoming Quidditch match that weekend and prefect assignments. She went to bed emotionally exhausted.
Defense Against the Dark Arts the next day was a disaster. Almost half the class could conjure a corporeal Patronus now, including Remus and James, though with so many silver animals leaping and flying about she couldn’t tell what they were. She was the only one who could not conjure anything at all, not even silver smoke, and she hurried from the room before anyone could say anything. Remus caught up with her and suggested they try again after dinner.
At least afternoon Potions went well: they were reviewing all their N.E.W.T. level potions and she somehow managed the best Veritaserum potion in class, which was ironic given her sudden inability to tell James the truth about her feelings for him. She earned ten points for Gryffindor from Slughorn, but still felt like a fraud, just as James had said. Severus Snape glared at her with the same combination of envy, desire, and hurt he often stared at her with now, but she had learned to ignore it. He had been her best friend once, but he had chosen his Slytherin friends over her long ago.
Lily met Remus outside the common room after dinner. As they made their way toward the empty Transfiguration classroom, she started telling him about her failed conversation with James on Sunday. He didn’t seem surprised.
“You mean, he talked to you about it?” she asked, slightly mortified. Of course, she had talked to Mary, so why wouldn’t James tell his friends?
Remus shook his head, though. “No, but I know what happened on Saturday and, considering you two have barely spoken since then, not to mention James has been a complete mope, I assumed things didn’t go well. What happened?”
She told him how hard it had been to talk to James, to explain how things had changed between them and confess how she much she really liked him. She told Remus how she had tripped all over her words and ended up blurting out her failing grade in Transfiguration instead, and how James had immediately assumed the worst. Remus shook his head.
“I’m not surprised,” he said. “I did warn you. He probably thought you were using him to get better marks.”
She nodded, impressed with Remus’s keen understanding of his friend. “What do I do now?” she asked.
“Well, I don’t think he’s that angry, or he’d be taking it out on us. He likes you too much.” Remus shrugged as they entered the Transfiguration classroom. “Give it a few days and try again. Or maybe he’ll bring it up first. He hates leaving things unresolved.”
The thought cheered her somewhat, and she set to work trying to perfect her Patronus Charm with a more positive attitude. Yet, after several unsuccessful attempts to produce even the smallest puff of silver mist, she was starting to lose hope. Remus suggested they take a break.
“Why can’t I get it?” she asked, head in her hands as she sat at an empty desk.
“You’re not the only one,” he reminded her. “A lot of people are still working on getting a corporeal Patronus. It’s really advanced magic.”
“But I can’t even get a tiny wisp!” she exclaimed.
“I’d think you’re so worried about it now that it's getting in the way of any happy thoughts.” Remus paused. “You need something strong enough to cut through.”
“Like what?” she asked. He thought about it before his eyes lit up with an idea.
“Stand up,” he ordered. “Close your eyes and raise your wand.”
She did as she was told and felt Remus standing slightly behind her. He was very close and spoke softly in her ear.
“It’s Saturday. It’s snowing. You’re walking back to the castle with James Potter.” Remus paused and coughed, as if he were embarrassed. “He’s close. You kiss him. How do you feel?”
Lily smiled to herself as the memory sent a tingle down her spine. “Quite nice,” she murmured, almost dreamily.
“Try it now,” Remus whispered, stepping back.
Without opening her eyes, Lily cast the spell. “Expecto Patronum!” she cried, and she felt something burst from her wand.
A silver mist floated about the room. It was still a shapeless cloud, but it was large and it was actually there in front of her for the first time. Lily felt a surge of adrenaline rush thru her: she had finally done it! After struggling to find the right memory, Remus had found it for her.
“I think you need to talk to James again,” said Remus softly.
Lily turned and threw her arms around him. “Yes, I do,” she replied with a grin. “And I will.”
* * *
Unfortunately, that proved to be more difficult than she thought. Wednesday passed in a blur of classes. She tried to approach James after Charms, but Sirius dragged him off to talk to a group of sixth-year Gryffindor girls instead. She tried again after dinner; he seemed genuinely glad to see her, but had Quidditch practice for the match that weekend. She spent the night with her friends instead, trying to concentrate on her Ancient Runes essay and failing miserably. She finally fell into a restless sleep and dreamed of shapeless silver animals bounding around the dormitory.
Thursday morning dawned bright and cold; it had snowed overnight and the castle grounds were white with fresh snow. Lily hurried toward the Great Hall, hands tucked into her robes to keep warm. She had accidentally slept in, and was trying to catch up to Mary when she heard James’s voice behind her.
“Lily! Wait up!” he called. He heart skipped a beat as he came up beside her and smiled. “How’s it going?” he asked casually.
“Much better now,” she replied, before she could stop herself. James raised his eyebrows.
“Glad to hear it,” he replied with a grin. She returned his smile as they continued toward the Great Hall together. She felt strangely tongue-tied; how did she start a conversation with him after she had messed up not once, but twice? She still didn't know what to say, because a small part of her still wasn't sure what she wanted, exactly.
"Look," he finally said, adjusting his glasses as he glanced sideways at her. "I'm sorry about the other day, about leaving so abruptly."
She turned to him in surprise; she had never expected him to apologize when it was all her fault. Before she could protest, he continued.
"I probably overreacted," he said with a shrug. "I just want”" He stopped and shook his head. "I just don't want to think that whatever happened between us happened for the wrong reasons." He paused and looked intently at her, and she was startled by the look of unembarrassed emotion on his face. "Did it?"
Lily blew out her breath and shook her head. "No," she said softly, feeling like a complete prat. "No, it didn't. I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. I was horrible”"
He bumped her with his shoulder. "I thought you were pretty good, actually."
She flushed, even more embarrassed. She wanted to throw some kind of insult back at him, but couldn't find it within herself after all they had been through. The thought of losing that aspect of their relationship”the banter, even the fighting”suddenly bothered her as much as anything else. Their frequent antagonism might have driven her mad at times, but it was also something she knew she would miss. It was familiar, safe, and even a bit fun at times. She hoped that whatever their relationship evolved into, hopefully they could recapture that old spark.
"Sorry," he said, obviously noticing the mortified expression on her face. "Look, we still need to talk, and…and I'd be happy to help you with Transfiguration. I don't mind being turned into a wild animal." He grinned and winked, as if he were sharing a private joke.
"Really?" Lily asked, astounded. Remus had been right: James had come to her first, and he once again had the upper hand, it seemed.
James shrugged again as they neared the Great Hall. "Remus told me you guys talked and that he suggested you ask me about Transfiguration. I'm sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion about it."
She wanted to throw her arms around his neck, but they had reached the Great Hall, and she was suddenly conscious of an entire table of Gryffindors watching them enter together. "It's okay," she said. "I messed it up. So when can we meet?"
"How about tonight?" he suggested.
"Perfect," she said, smiling. He smiled back at her, and they gazed at each other rather awkwardly.
"Well, thanks, James," she finally said, making sure to use his first name.
His face lit up, and he sketched a pretend bow that almost made her laugh. "You're welcome," he replied. He started to move toward one end of the table, and she went toward the other end. He turned before he had gone too far. "And Lily”I'd still like an answer to my question, okay?"
She nodded, knowing the answer, but wondering how she would tell him without messing up this time.
***
A silver haze clouded the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Most of the students had practiced and were able to produce a corporeal Patronus now. The air was filled with animals of every shape and size: a raven, a stag, a wolf, a cat, several different kinds of birds, and even a large polar bear. Lily still struggled as Professor Brookstanton stood beside her, coaching her much like Remus had the other night. Her first try, however, had produced absolutely nothing, and Lily was quickly feeling the pressure as a serpent slithered by her right shoulder.
She raised her wand to try again, trying to keep her hand from shaking. It had never bothered her before, casting spells and mixing potions in front of others, but then she had almost always been at the top of the class in most of her subjects. She had been the first to banish a Boggart her third year, had beaten Severus in Potions for a bottle of Felix Felicis during sixth year, and was one of the only seventh-years who could do a Disillusionment Charm for Professor Flitwick.
This was different. For some reason, and for all her magical talent, this one eluded her, and she hated that. She didn’t want anyone to see her fail, least of all James. Thinking of him, she took a deep breath and cast the spell; a thin silver mist spilled from her wand, hanging in the air like a small cloud. Yet it was even less than the one she had produced with Remus the night before, and she bit her lip to keep from crying.
“Good try, Miss Evans,” said Professor Brookstanton. “Give it one more try, and see if you can’t make it a bit more substantial.”
She couldn’t help it: she glanced at Remus, even though she knew perfectly well he was standing next to James. Remus smiled and said something to encourage her, but she didn’t hear it. All she saw was James, his wand raised as his own Patronus flew somewhere around the room. He looked at her with complete faith. “You can do it,” he whispered. Her mouth fell open a little, and he smiled and nodded, encouraging her with his eyes. “I know you can,” he mouthed.
The feeling exploded inside of her: it was even stronger than when she had kissed him, it was more, much more. She cried, “Expecto Patronum!” and staggered as a large shape erupted from her wand. The class gasped. It was a beautiful silver doe, and it joyfully bounded around the room. To her shock, it floated right over to James and bowed its head before dissolving into a cloud of silver sparkles.
“Shit,” said James. He looked completely gobsmacked. Remus’s eyes were round as saucers; even Sirius was speechless. Severus appeared both dumbfounded and livid. The class was dead silent for a long moment and then broke out in raucous applause as the various Patronuses dissolved into vapour. One large silver animal went running out the door, and Lily saw James’s eyes widen as he started to go after it.
“Okay, okay!” called Professor Brookstanton. “That’s enough. Five points from Gryffindor for the language, Mr. Potter. I would expect our Head Boy to set a better example”and keep better control of your wand. Go round up your Patronus.”
“Sorry, Professor,” James mumbled. Lily tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn’t look at her as he gathered his things and quickly left the room. Sirius and Remus exchanged glances and whispered to each other.
Lily waited an excruciating five minutes as Professor Brookstanton concluded the lesson and assigned their work for the following week. As soon as class was dismissed, she hurried to catch up with Remus, desperate to understand what had just happened.
“Hey!” she called as Sirius and Remus practically ran out ahead of her. “Remus, wait!”
He stopped and turned, then nodded at Sirius to go on. Lily frowned at him. “What’s going on? What did I do?”
“You conjured quite a Patronus,” he replied dryly.
“Thanks to you. But what’s the big deal? Why did James run out like that? What’s going on?” she repeated.
Remus sighed. “Lily, you do know what was James’s Patronus is, right?”
She didn’t; the room had been so full of silver animals for the last few weeks she had not paid much attention to which animal went with each student. “No, why? I know it ran out. Did he lose control?”
“He did,” Remus replied. “Probably because his Patronus is a stag.”
Lily felt her heart skip a beat for the second time that day. “What?” she whispered. “A stag? But what does that mean?”
“I have no idea,” he replied. “I expect it means something important, though.”
It did: it meant she had given him her answer without having to say it.
* * *
Things Change by Gmariam
Chapter Endnotes: Thank you once again to Apurva for beta-reading this chapter!