Chapter Seven
James spent the entire next day in the hospital ward. He alternated between sleeping and bothering Madam Pomfrey to let him go back to Gryffindor Tower. She told him that the Blood Replenishing Potion would take at least twenty-four hours, and that she would think about releasing him to his dormitory after dinner.
He had a lot of time to contemplate everything that had happened all week, from walking Lily back to the castle, to her Patronus in Defense Against the Dark Arts, to his fight with Snape. He knew he should be catching up on his homework or planning for the match the following day, but he simply could not concentrate: he was too impatient to get out of bed and move on.
Thinking about Lily was confusing, seeing as they hadn't yet talked about what was going on between them. He couldn't imagine what she was thinking after Defense Against the Dark Arts and his fight with Snape. It would be even more difficult after his unexpected confession to his friends the previous night. He smiled to himself when he remembered the looks on their faces: surprise, confusion, and even resignation. Sure, they had all dated at Hogwarts, even Peter, but no one had ever mentioned that word before. He felt like he had grown up overnight, but, deep down, he knew it was true. Seeing her Patronus and fighting Snape over it had just confirmed something that had been building all year, and that he had just tried to ignore: he was definitely in love with Lily Evans. He just wasn't sure how to tell her.
Thinking about Snape made him angry. He had let the stupid tosspot get to him and goad him into a fight he should have known better to avoid. Even Sirius had tried to warn him, and Sirius rarely held back. James had never been able to ignore Snape, though. Snape had annoyed him since first year, and their antagonism had grown ever since. It wasn't just his conceited attitude; James knew perfectly well he was just as cocky at times. It wasn't Snape's grades, either; James was secure enough in his own ability that a better mark in Potions didn't bother him, especially when he had mastered the Animagus transformation by the time he was sixteen.
It wasn't even that Snape was in Slytherin. Rather, he was a Slytherin of the worst kind: he shared the house's pureblood prejudice, and even worse, he obviously followed in the Dark Lord's footsteps and studied Dark magic. That above all things disgusted James, and he was fervently glad that Lily had ended her friendship with the slimy git once she had realized where Snape's true allegiance lay.
Setting down his dinner fork, James gingerly touched his cheek, his hand sliding down the gruesome injury to his neck. Professor Brookstanton had saved his life after Snape had cursed him, and Madam Pomfrey had told him with a draught of dittany he should have only a faint scar. He felt the thin line running from just in front of his left ear down his neck, and hated that he would always associate Lily's Patronus in Defense Against the Dark Arts with what had happened in the corridor afterwards.
Finishing as much of his dinner as he could stomach, James finally pushed his tray away and called for Madam Pomfrey.
"Can I go now?" he asked after she had checked him over for the twentieth time that day.
"I suppose so," she sighed. "I'm not sure if I can handle two of you at once, anyway."
James grinned as he leapt out of bed and grabbed his robes. He still felt a bit tired, but was anxious to leave the hospital wing and finish the week. He had to talk to Lily before Remus's transformation that night.
"Remus gives you a hard time, then?" he asked jokingly as he ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to comb it back into place. He felt stiff after so much time in bed.
Madam Pomfrey snorted. "He's the easiest of you lot," she stated. "Even with the most difficult burden," she added softly, her voice wistful. "Tell him I'll be waiting. Moonrise is a bit early this month."
James nodded. He certainly knew how difficult Remus's transformations were, and was constantly amazed at how well his friend handled himself. "Thanks, Madam Pomfrey," he said as he left. "I'll tell him."
"Stay out of trouble!" she called after him. "For at least a month, please!"
"I'll try!" he shouted back. He left the hospital wing and hurried through the corridors, ducking his head and avoiding several groups of students heading back to their Houses. He thought he heard some whispering and saw a few younger students pointing, but he ignored them. He did not want to deal with the fallout from his fight with Snape at that moment. It was already later than he thought, and he suspected he would not have much time to talk with Lily before he had to go to the Shrieking Shack with Sirius and Peter.
He was halfway to Gryffindor Tower when he ran into Thomas Kirke, the Gryffindor Keeper and Quidditch captain. He was a good player, and at any other time James would have been happy to stop and talk about the upcoming match against Ravenclaw. Normally he would have been looking forward to the game, but he was still tired and distracted, and Kirke was the last person James wanted to see.
"Potter!" he called before James had a chance to turn the other way. He sighed and waved. Kirke jogged over, a concerned look on his face.
"Glad to see Pomfrey let you out before the match," he said. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," James muttered. He glanced around, impatient to keep moving.
"You look a bit tired," Kirke pointed out.
"You would be, too, if you'd lost half your blood," James replied dryly.
"But you'll be playing tomorrow?" Kirke pressed, ignoring the sarcasm in James's voice. "Morris is ready to sub in, but we could really use you out there tomorrow."
James hesitated. He could back out right now. He could lie and tell Kirke that Madam Pomfrey hadn't cleared him to play, that he was still too weak, that he had too much to catch up with. Yet none of that was strictly true; he only wanted to be able to talk to Lily, and he knew he couldn't let his team down for that.
"I'll be there," he said. "I'll do my best."
Kirke clapped him on the shoulder. "Great. There's a team meeting in an hour. See you then."
James sighed again. He could not make the meeting, not if he wanted to find Lily before heading out with his friends for Remus's transformation. He felt bad lying, but he had little choice. "I'm sorry, I just can't be there. Can you fill me in tomorrow?"
Kirke frowned but nodded. "I guess that's okay. We'll go over everything again during warm-ups, anyway. See you in the morning. Get some sleep." He continued toward Gryffindor. James knew he should be heading the same way, but felt the sudden stifling need to disappear. There was suddenly too much going on, too much to think about, and he needed to block it all out or he thought he might explode.
Turning abruptly, James headed the other way. As soon as he rounded the corner, he took the Invisibility Cloak from the pocket in his robes and tossed it around his shoulders. Sirius had brought it last night just in case James had wanted to sneak out with them. He had been too tired, but was glad to have it now. He wasn't planning on sneaking around; he simply didn't want to run into any more people asking questions. He just wanted find Lily before he left with Sirius and Peter.
He took a different route to the common room, enjoying the anonymity, and stopped in front of the Fat Lady, debating whether or not he should take off his cloak. He decided to leave it on, since he didn't want to deal with the questions he'd certainly face as soon as he stepped into the common room.
"Bubotuber pus," he whispered.
"Who's there?" asked the Fat Lady, looking around with a frown. "Show yourself!"
James glanced down the corridor to be sure no one would see him, and then removed the cloak from his head. "It's just me," he whispered.
"James Potter!" she exclaimed. "What are you—"
"Shhh!" he hissed.
"What are you doing slinking around? Isn't it a bit early in the evening for that?"
"I just wanted to be let alone," James grumbled, slightly exasperated. He glanced around nervously, hoping no one would come by as he waited, half invisible, in the corridor.
"I heard about the fight," she continued, as if she didn't hear him. "Are you well? You still look a bit peaky."
"I'm fine!" said James. "Can I just go up to my dormitory and rest?"
"Of course, dear," she said, sounding sympathetic. "Rest up. There's a big match tomorrow."
"I know," James muttered, wishing people would stop reminding him. Slipping the Invisibility Cloak back over his head, he entered the common room as quietly as he could. Several Gryffindors turned toward him, but when they saw no one there, they went back to their homework and conversation.
He did not see Sirius, Peter, or Remus, but Lily was sitting in the corner with Mary Macdonald and Sandra Murphy, the new seventh-year prefect. She was frowning at the portrait hole, and James knew she must have figured out it was him. He hurried toward her, narrowly missing a fourth-year who came barreling down the stairway.
"Lily," he whispered in her ear. She must have been expecting him, because she barely blinked an eye. A simple nod acknowledged his presence.
"Meet me outside in the corridor," he whispered.
Lily stretched and closed the book she had been reading. "I need to do a quick round of the castle," she said. "I'll be back in a bit."
Sandra raised an eyebrow, and Mary smirked. "Sure you do," she said with a wink. "Just like last night. Have fun."
Lily gave her a withering look as she stood and left the common room. James followed her through the portrait hole.
"Out again tonight, Miss Evans?" asked the Fat Lady.
"Rounds," said Lily, without even glancing back. She hurried down the corridor and turned the corner.
"Of course. Be back by curfew this time!" called the Fat Lady. James saw Lily roll her eyes.
"Whatever." Lily stopped and looked around. "James? Are you here? You didn't bring me out here for a prank, did you?"
James threw off the cloak. "Of course not," he said. "I just wanted to talk to you without anyone bothering us. I'm sorry I missed you last night. I was sort of laid up in the hospital wing."
She was gazing at him with a funny look. "I know. I heard what happened." She reached out to touch his cheek. "You look better."
"Better than what?" he asked, slightly confused.
She let her hand fall. "Oh, just better than I imagined. Peter told me what Snape did. I'm glad you're okay."
"You are?" he asked teasingly.
"Of course I am," she replied. "It's practically my fault you were dueling him, after all."
James frowned, unsure how she had come to that conclusion. "It was my fault," he said, shaking his head. "I let him get to me."
"You couldn't help it," she replied. He gave her another questioning look, and she glanced away. "I mean, he bothers everyone, and you two have never got along. I imagine he was a complete git."
James nodded slowly, his suspicions roused. "He was. He said some pretty bad stuff."
"I'm sure he did," she said.
"The thing is," James continued, "I didn't even believe him, but it still made me so mad."
"What did he say?" she asked. James had the odd feeling she knew exactly what Snape had said, and he was starting to wonder exactly how.
"He said that you—" He broke off as he heard a large group of students returning to Gryffindor Tower. He quickly threw the Invisibility Cloak over them both as several fifth-years came bounding down the corridor, laughing loudly.
"What's wrong?" whispered Lily, sounding mildly annoyed. "Don’t you want to be seen with me?"
"No," he whispered back. "I mean, yes, but I just want some privacy."
"What for?" she asked. She was gazing up at him with a small smile on her lips, and he was reminded of their last encounter under the Invisibility Cloak. It was warm and her lips were so close that he almost couldn’t help himself: he leaned down and kissed her, pressing her against the wall as the cloak shielded them from any other students passing by.
At first, she did not respond. Yet she quickly gave in, and to his wonder, she eagerly returned the kiss, leaning into him with passion. Her arms slid around his neck and began to run up and down his back, sending shivers down his spine as he closed his eyes and lost himself in her lips, her mouth, her very being. She responded as if she, too, felt everything that he felt at that moment: joy, passion, love.
"For that?" he finally asked a bit breathlessly, pulling away with a grin.
Lily laughed, brushing the hair from her face. "We really should stop meeting like this, you know."
"Oh, I don’t know," he replied playfully. "I sort of like stealing around like this. Makes it a bit more dangerous, don’t you think?" He began to nuzzle her neck, and she gasped as she leaned her head back, soft sounds coming from her throat as she ran her hands through his hair.
"You are definitely dangerous, James Potter," she whispered, silencing him with another long kiss. It was several moments before either of them opened their eyes and spoke again.
"Shouldn’t we talk about this, though?" she finally asked, laying her head on his chest. "About Defense Against the Dark Arts? About last night?"
James stopped stroking her hair and looked down at her. "Last night? What?"
"In the hospital—" She stopped and bit her lip.
"You were there!" James exclaimed. She shook her head, eyes wide. "Yes, you were! The Fat Lady said you were going out again. You said I looked better. I thought I heard something last night. You were listening!" he accused. He stepped back, not sure whether he was more angry or embarrassed. Had she heard everything he had said to his friends?
"I didn't mean to," she said, looking away from him. "I just wanted to talk—"
"We cast a charm," he interrupted. "You could only hear us if you were close enough, which, clearly, you were. That sounds like spying."
Lily glared at him, green eyes glaring defensively. "I'm sorry, but I didn't mean to spy on you. I was just coming to see you, only you were surrounded by your friends. I was worried, you know."
James stared at her, unsure what to say to that. "What did you hear?" he asked instead.
"I heard enough," she said, sounding defiant. "And I want to talk about it." She glanced around. "But not here."
James took her hand. "Then let's figure this out," he said, pulling her down the corridor, determined to set things right once and for all. He hadn't gone two feet when he heard a familiar voice behind him.
"Hey, Prongs! I know you're out there!" It was Sirius. James froze. "And I know you're not alone."
James groaned and gave Lily an apologetic look. He couldn't tell if she was angry or mortified as he pulled the cloak off and turned to face Sirius and Peter.
"Hey, Padfoot," he said, trying to sound casual. He was still holding hands with Lily, and Sirius raised his eyebrows. Peter grinned and nodded in approval.
"Hello, Evans," Sirius said, tucking the Marauder's Map behind his back. James was surprised to see that his friend was actually somewhat uncomfortable. "Er, sorry to interrupt, but mind if we borrow James for a while?"
"Yes, Black," she replied dryly. "I do."
"I'm sure he's great at the snogging and all," Sirius replied, warming up to his usual dry wit, "but unfortunately he's got a prior commitment."
James watched in fascination as Lily crossed her arms and faced his best friend. "With who?" she asked archly. "His other girlfriend?"
"That would imply he already has one," said Sirius, affecting a thoughtful look. "Would that be you? He's been awfully mum about it."
"That's what we're trying to figure out, Black," she replied.
"It's bit cozy under that cloak for conversation." He winked, and Lily narrowed her eyes at him.
"What's so important that it can't wait until tomorrow, Black?" she asked point-blank.
"Can't say, Evans, but it's been on the books for months." He turned to James. "We've been looking for you for a while. It's almost time, you know. He'll be waiting for us."
James sighed. "I know." Lily looked at him askance, dropping his hand, and he knew it was coming: the blowup he had someone managed to avoid all week. He was about to make her really angry. "Give us a moment, will you?" he told Sirius.
"Of course," said Sirius. He grinned and bowed to Lily. "Evans." He hurried down the corridor with Peter, leaving them alone. James ran his hand through his hair; he couldn't tell Lily where he was actually going, but how could he make her understand how much be wanted to be with her instead?
"He's right. I really do have to go."
She raised an eyebrow, the only indication she was upset. "Of course you do."
"I don't want to, Lily. Not tonight."
"Then don't," she said, her voice flat.
He hesitated, just as he had with Kirke. It would be so easy to simply stay with her, to hold her and figure out the confusing jumble of emotions they kept throwing at each other with each meeting. Yet he had made a commitment to his friends. He could handle Sirius's anger and Peter's disappointment, but he could not let Remus down. He knew how bad his friend's transformations were, and how much worse it was when Remus was alone. He couldn't abandon his friend to that, to mindless animal scratching and biting. Not even for Lily.
"I have to," he repeated, forcing the words from his mouth and hating them. "I can't explain now, but I can't let them down. I can't let Remus down."
"So you'll let me down instead?" she asked, her voice dangerously close to real anger.
"I'm hoping you'll understand," he said. "It really is a matter of life and death." He was only exaggerating slightly, but still felt terrible for saying it at all, especially when she looked away, her lips shut tight as if she were biting back a terrible retort.
James took her hand, but she didn't respond to him, not this time. He felt like he was losing her already.
"Look, meet me in the common room in the morning. Please."
She shrugged. He thought he saw tears in her eyes and felt worse than ever. He leaned over to kiss her, but she turned her cheek, and his heart stopped in his chest.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, turning away. The last time he had walked away, he had been upset with her. This time she was angry with him, and he wondered if he would ever be able to convince her to give him yet another chance.
* * *
Things Change by Gmariam
Chapter Endnotes: My continued thanks to my lovely beta, Apurva! :)