Remus blindly walked himself to his flat, wincing at his searing headache. He turned the knob, and promptly fell flat on his face from overwhelming exhaustion as he entered the room.
“Wild night, eh, Moony?”
Remus nearly choked in fright. He sat up, squinting his eyes to make out the grinning face of Sirius Black.
“Merlin’s pants, Sirius! How did you get in?” he managed to ask as his heart rate slowly returned to normal.
“Through the front door,” Sirius replied, sitting on the edge of the counter. “Though it’s beyond me why you bother to lock this place. How is a human being supposed to live in a tiny flat like this?”
Remus closed his eyes, gingerly lifting himself up to the sofa. “It’s all I can afford for the moment, I’m afraid.”
“Oh,” Sirius said, smiling sheepishly. “You could always move in with James ” he’s got a wonderful little place.”
“I am not moving in with Lily and James, Sirius.”
“They’d be happy to have you, Moony. I think they’d prefer to have you pop up every once and a while than me.”
Remus sighed loudly, though he bit back a grin. “Please tell me you’re only joking.”
“Maybe,” Sirius muttered, frowning. “Would you mind telling me why you’re like this?”
“I had a few too many at the Leaky Cauldron last night,” Remus replied, a bit irritated with his friend’s tone. “I didn’t think you would be averse to something like that,” he added defensively.
“I didn’t think you were one to spend the night in a pub,” Sirius retorted, but his face softened as he heard the harshness in his voice. “Look, Moony, I’m sorry,” he added quietly. “I didn’t drag my arse over here to fight. I came to see if you wanted company for tonight’s transformation, like old times.”
“Sirius, I live near Muggles.”
“So? We’ll just tell them you have an overgrown puppy.” Sirius looked as though he was fighting to keep a straight face.
“I don’t think so,” Remus said slowly. “I can’t risk it.”
Something changed in Sirius’s eyes, as though he had known this would be Remus’s reaction and he was disappointed in it.
“If you’re sure,” Sirius said, not looking up. “I’ll leave, then. All this talking is probably hurting your hangover,” he emphasized loudly, sending a dull ache into Remus’s already distressed brain.
Any protest was cut short by the slamming of the front door. He sighed, and closed his eyes, remembering the times before the war, when it had actually felt as though he and Sirius were friends.
In the orange glow of the sunset, his watch read a quarter ‘til five. Remus sat up quickly; he’d forgotten how much he hated the early winter nights. Quickly, he pulled on a sweater and began to close the curtains to ward off the evening draft, but as he did, he felt something breeze by his right cheek. Frowning, he took one last look at the door, wondering if it had somehow opened, but it remained firmly closed.
“I applaud your efforts, Lupin, but you and I both know you will never be normal.”
Remus’s hand froze on the windowpane. This voice sounded nothing like James or Sirius; it was rough, and impossibly deep.
“Who are you?” he asked, willing his voice not to shake as he turned around. The person was standing by the fireplace, his face covered with thick, matted hair.
“I’m like you.”
Remus inhaled sharply, glancing once again at his watch. Four-fifty. There wasn’t much time to spare. “What do you want?”
“I wouldn’t worry about the full moon tonight,” the intruder said, chuckling. “I think you’ll find my proposal to be much more intriguing.”
His voice intentionally flat, Remus asked, “You have a proposal for me?”
The intruder fixed him with a pointed gaze. “I think you know it already, Lupin. Join the ranks of the Dark Lord. He has use for people like us.”
“Others have found use for me, as well,” Remus answered curtly.
“Have they offered you everything? The taste of human flesh, for instance?” The intruder grinned as he saw Remus shiver with distaste. “Don’t pretend to be repulsed by the thought. You know as well as I that at times, it is hard to separate our animal instincts from our human ones.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean,” Remus said lightly, though his unease was given away by the falter in his voice. He wondered if the intruder knew that he sometimes woke up at night ready to retch, having dreamed of being a werewolf once more.
“There’s no use in denying it any longer. We aren’t humans, Lupin, we are something much more. You would be surrounded by people like yourself ” there would be no reason to hide who you are.” He leaned in. “The Dark Lord thinks you would make a wonderful spy.”
Remus stiffened. Whatever resolve had wavered was now all the more resolute. These were the friends who had sacrificed everything for him and had stayed with him through their Hogwarts years when he thought no one would. There was no way in hell he could betray them.
“Never.”
Sirius stalked angrily down the streets of London, wanting to scream at Remus’s newfound sense of responsibility. He was irritated that his friend would be enduring the horrors of the transformation alone that night, but it annoyed him even more that Remus would not accept his help.
Tired of walking, he sat down on a park bench opposite a pretty Muggle woman. For a moment, he considered moving to her bench and striking up a conversation, but the thought of even initiating contact began to feel like another chore in his mind. And anyway, there was already another man who had just sat beside her. Sirius furrowed his brow and squinted at the new arrival, who looked oddly familiar. Leaning forward for a closer look, he saw the man watching him, as well. “No…” Sirius breathed, realization hitting him. The man met his eye and smiled. It was Rodolphus Lestrange.
He slowly got up, making his way towards Sirius’s bench. “Lovely weather for a day in the park, isn’t it?” Rodolphus said cheerfully, taking a seat beside Sirius.
“What do you want? I’m busy.” Sirius snapped, his patience already worn thin.
Rodolphus smiled amiably. “Come now. Can’t we at least pretend to be civil towards one another?”
“This is about as civil as I can get towards you, Lestrange,” Sirius replied acidly. Rodolphus’s eyes narrowed as he lost all pretense of kindness.
“Very well, then,” he said. “I think you know what I want.”
“Of course I do,” Sirius answered. “You want my lovely cousin Bella to find you attractive. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you there when you give me so little to work with.”
“Your witty remarks will get you nowhere,” Rodolphus said calmly. “Tell me, how are your friends from Hogwarts? You four are still as close as ever, I assume?”
Sirius’s jaw tightened. “Of course.”
Rodolphus sighed in mock-sadness. “Pity. My sympathies for your future losses.”
“What the hell are you going on about?” Sirius asked, agitated.
“You can’t expect that you all will survive this war, can you? Merlin, I thought you were intelligent.” Rodolphus’s gaze met his. “You cannot protect them forever, Sirius. Not if you remain where you are.”
“There is no bloody way I’m joining your lot, if that’s what you’re saying.” Sirius smiled tersely. “Look how well that worked out for my brother.”
“Your brother was a fool, as I’m sure you already know. It was his own stupidity that got him killed. The Dark Lord needs people like you”brave, courageous, and willing to risk everything in a fight,” Rodolphus said. “If you joined, I’m sure his generosity would extend to keep your friends safe.”
Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but the casual mention of his brother’s death rendered him momentarily speechless. When his mind drifted towards Regulus, Sirius had always thought of him as his brother who had gone missing ” not his brother who had died. It made him sound almost noble, and Sirius couldn’t afford to care that much about anyone else.
“I’ll pass,” he answered, smiling haughtily. But Rodolphus’s look of anger as Sirius turned to leave left him worried. If the Death Eater had been right about anything, it was that Sirius couldn’t protect his friends forever.
"Just one more glass," Peter muttered, hiccupping. He opened his wallet, and frowned when he saw it was empty. "Never mind, then." The barman, having already filled up the glass, shot Peter a nasty look.
"A tall glass of Firewhiskey," the man beside Peter asked. He slid the glass over to Peter when the barman's back was turned.
"Thanks," Peter slurred, trying to get his eyes to focus on the man's face. "You look familiar."
"I'm not surprised." The man's voice was dangerously quiet. Peter blinked, and then grinned widely.
"You're Snape, aren't you? Snivelly Severus Snape."
Snape's lips tightened into a thin line. "I hope you aren't forgetting who supplied you with your drink tonight, Pettigrew. I don't think it was Potter or Black."
At the mention of his drink, Peter lifted the glass to his lips and swallowed the whiskey in one shot. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"Speaking of Potter and Black, where are they?" Snape's tone was conversational, but even in his drunken state Peter detected a hit of malice.
"Doesn't concern you, does it?" he answered, standing. The world around him spun, and he sat back down to keep his balance.
"Forgive me if I've touched a nerve," Snape replied. "I merely assumed that they were never too far away from you."
"Things change," Peter said, sighing. "James is married now and Sirius and Remus spend practically every weekend with them."
"And you don't?"
"They like Lily," Peter explained. "They treat her like she was always one of us."
Snape flinched, almost imperceptibly. "I see. They've found someone to replace you."
"I haven't been replaced!" Peter said vehemently, banging the empty glass on the counter for emphasis. "I don't have to see my friends every day, do I?"
"I meant no offense," Snape replied easily. "And who am I, really, to be making such assumptions?" Peter tried to nod gratefully, but the action only made him nauseous.
"I need another drink," he said faintly, feeling the sharp tips of reality poking through his drunken haze. Snape raised his eyebrows, but ordered a drink all the same.
"I don't mean to pry," Snape started carefully, handing Peter the drink. "But I couldn't help but wonder why you choose to spend your weekend nights at a cheap pub." He eyed Peter's expression. "You aren't... avoiding anyone, are you?"
"No," Peter answered thickly, staring into the depths of the Firewhiskey. "I just come here to think." He met Snape's gaze, his voice somber.
"And have you been doing a lot of thinking, Pettigrew?"
Peter swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. “I have.”
“You are a powerful wizard,” Snape said quietly, “but sadly overlooked by your peers. Perhaps not being used to your full potential.”
Peter’s eyes widened. “He sent you, didn’t he?” Snape inclined his head slightly. “What does he want?”
“Merely to offer you what you currently lack,” He held Peter’s gaze. “A circle of friends.” Peter raised the glass to his mouth, taking a healthy-sized gulp. Snape stood to leave, pushing his barstool back in place with a flick of his wand.
“By the way, Pettigrew,” he called from over his shoulder. “I’m truly sorry about Amy McHill. She was a lovely lady.” With that, he opened the door and stepped out into the chilly night air, leaving Peter alone with his drink and his thoughts of his late girlfriend.
“Happy early Valentine’s Day.” James held out a small envelope, gazing at Lily expectantly. “Well, open it!”
Hiding a smile at his obvious impatience, she slid her fingernail under the envelope’s fold, taking out two small pieces of paper. “You didn’t.” She looked up at him, her eyes widening in surprise.
“I know,” he said, grinning widely. “I didn’t think I had it in me, either.”
“But you hate the Muggle cinema!”
“The things I do for you.” He sighed. “Anyways, I thought I’d need something big like this to make up for tomorrow.”
Lily’s face darkened. “There’s nothing to make up for. The Order shouldn’t be put on hold for some bloody holiday.”
James sighed, looking away. "I know. We've been over this."
"My feelings haven't changed. It's only Valentine's day, after all." There was a moment's silence as she glanced down at the tickets ruefully.
James cleared his throat, seizing the opportunity to speak. "Well, I thought we could go tonight, as an early Valentine's present. Since I can't be here tomorrow."
Lily nodded, a smile returning to her face. "That would be wonderful. I'll go put the kitten in her crate so she doesn't claw the entire house to pieces while we're gone."
"Good idea," James said, standing, though he couldn't help but feel that the moment was rather bittersweet. He closed his eyes as Lily left the room, wondering how the perfect Valentine's present had gone awry.
Lily hugged the coat more tightly around herself, tilting her head to stay under the protection of James's umbrella. James had offered to take her out to eat at a popular Greek restaurant, but she had insisted on eating close to the cinema so they could get a better spot in line.
In truth, she hated that he had planned this entire night for her out of guilt. Part of her wished they could celebrate Valentine’s as normal people did, without the constant anxiety of being a part of the Order. The thought made her feel even worse, and she would never admit she felt this way to anyone. But it was an undeniable fact that the Order always seemed to get priority over what they wanted, especially of late. Lily had been forced to give up her dream of a summer wedding the previous year, as Mad-Eye needed James to keep an eye on Rosier's home for the better part of July. Recently, she had begun to wonder if her trust in Dumbledore was stronger than her desire to have an unbroken, unthreatened family, far away from danger. It was for this reason that she had begged James to keep the secret for her”the secret she was sure would try the strength of her loyalty to the Order.
She felt James stiffen beside her, walking deliberately past the restaurant they had chosen.
"Someone's following us," he whispered into her ear. She deftly took out the small, pocket-mirror from her purse and tilted it ever so slightly to the side. A tall, dark figure trailed behind them; the face was shadowed by a large umbrella.
"Has he been behind us for long?" she murmured, linking her arm with James's.
"I don't know," he answered softly. "It's just a feeling I have." He gave her an apologetic look as they passed the cinema, and Lily knew that they wouldn’t be returning. She swallowed, trying to suppress her anger at having another Valentine's evening ruined.
"We'll walk to the end of the street, and then you Apparate back to the house." His jaw tightened. "I'll make sure we're never followed by him again."
She laughed humorlessly, fixing her husband with a steely gaze. "I'm not leaving, James," she told him. “I’m just as good as you ” if not better ” at handling situations like this.” He let out a short hiss of air from his teeth, but did not protest.
As they neared the end of the street, Lily could almost hear James counting down the seconds in his head. One. They passed the last shop, and Lily gave a fleeting glance towards the laughing Muggles within. Two. They turned the corner, away from prying Muggle eyes. She could hear the footsteps behind them pick up, as if anticipating their next move. Three. Wands out.
“Expelliarmus!”
Lily had expected the force of their spell to knock their follower to the ground at the very least, but to her dismay he wasn't even disarmed.
"I didn't come to harm you," he said, speaking softly. "I bring a generous offer from the Dark Lord."
"And he expects us to trust a Death Eater?" James retorted scornfully. "Your master really is more of an idiot than I thought."
The Death Eater stiffened. "You would do well to listen, Potter. Arrogance will not help your position at the moment."
"Why did he send you to follow us, then?" Lily asked waspishly. "You can't expect me to believe he would pass up the chance to kill a Muggleborn?"
"The Dark Lord is impressed with you both," he went on quietly, as though Lily hadn't spoken. "Particularly with your brave escape from Nott ” what was it? Four months ago?"
"Three, actually," Lily corrected him automatically. She remembered quite clearly the night he was talking about. It was the night that her secret had been confirmed, the night that her blind commitment to the Order had wavered.
"You were outnumbered three to one, and still you bested the Dark Lord's top followers." For a moment, he sounded almost impressed. "Blood statuses aside, it was an...unlikely feat."
"Perhaps it helps that we believe in what we're fighting for," James suggested acidly. "We aren't anyone's lapdogs."
"I am under orders not to harm you, should you listen," the Death Eater snapped. "Don't think I won't hesitate to kill you if the chance arises."
"James..." Lily whispered, as he opened his mouth to retort. He looked at her, confused. The Death Eater laughed coldly.
"It seems as though it's the Mudblood who has the right idea here. The Dark Lord doesn't make this offer to anyone." He looked up, and for the first time, his pale blue eyes were visible. "You know what your options are. Your wife's blood status would be overlooked. He wants both of you."
"He's made this offer before, and our answer remains the same," James interrupted, sounding disgusted. Their counterpart, however, ignored him. His eyes were focused on Lily, as though sensing her weakness.
"Think about it," he said coaxingly. "For once, you would be safe. The Dark Lord is generous to those who serve him well. He could provide you with anything you needed. My wife, for instance," he added, his eyes meeting Lily's significantly, "is with child. We are given the privilege of waking up every morning and knowing we will be providing him with a real family."
Goosebumps crept up the back of her neck as she wondered how much he knew. For the first time, Lily considered what her life would be like if she accepted. Holidays could be spent the way they should be. She wouldn’t have to worry everyday if one of the bodies brought back from failed missions would belong to James. She wouldn’t be plagued by nightmares about becoming a single mother, raising her child alone in a war-torn country. And for one, she wouldn’t have to live in fear.
Instead, she would become a cold-blooded killer, becoming everyone’s object of fear. She would be forced to sit and watch as other Muggle-borns were tortured and murdered, while they pled her for mercy. She would lose her fear, yes.
But she would also lose her soul.
“Go to hell,” she spat, fixing Malfoy with an unyielding gaze. Adrenaline surged through her as he drew his wand, and the battle began.
Some things are worth dying for.
“We have a traitor in our midst.”
It took these mere seven words to turn a boisterous Order meeting silent. Lily’s hand moved reflexively to her abdomen.
“Are you sure, Dumbledore?”
Dumbledore nodded slightly, turning his piercing gaze towards James. “Has Voldemort made any…proposals to you?”
“More than once,” James replied, meeting the older man’s stare evenly. “I refused.”
“He’s asked me as well,” Sirius interjected.
“And me,” Remus admitted. The majority of the other Order members nodded in assent, except for Peter, who was shuffling through a pile of papers.
“And you refused?” Sirius asked Remus, an edge to his voice.
Remus eyed him sourly. “Of course I did, Sirius. Did you?” Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“You know bloody well I did!” He clenched his fists in anger as Remus turned away, obviously in disbelief.
“How do you know there’s a spy?” Peter asked, speaking up for the first time during the entire meeting.
“Frank Longbottom’s raid was sabotaged,” Mad-Eye growled. “It would have been impossible to anticipate without the help from an insider.” A tense silence fell upon them.
“Albus, didn’t you say that there were several werewolves working for Voldemort?” Emmeline Vance asked. Remus’s face flushed.
“Dumbledore…” he started.
“It’s likely someone with close…familial ties to the Death Eaters,” Alice Longbottom interrupted. “I’m not accusing you, Sirius,” she added, as Sirius opened his mouth to protest. “I’m merely saying we should take into account that some members’ loyalties might be conflicting.”
Dumbledore held his hand out, motioning for them to be silent. “The point of telling you this was not to hear your accusations,” he said softly. “But to warn you that not everything said at these meetings is safe. Be careful,” he added. “The further we drift away from our friends, the easier it is for Voldemort to infiltrate the Order.”
James bit his lip. He knew for certain that it wasn’t one of the Marauders who had betrayed the Order to Voldemort. They had been his friends for ages, and had pledged their eternal loyalty to one another. And yet, he could not stop the seeds of doubt from creeping into his mind. For the first time, he began to wonder if all of this fighting was really worth it.