Looking back, James realised that there had never been a definite point at which he had started to fancy Lily Evans. Setting aside their first, inauspicious meeting and the occasional banter, they had, for the most part, always been friendly towards one another; chatting in lessons if they happened to find themselves sitting next to each other, or talking in the common room in the evenings if, for some reason, his other friends weren’t there. It wouldn’t be fair to say that he’d never noticed that she was a pretty girl; he was teenage boy, and she certainly was pretty, but it had always been acknowledged in a passing manner, in the way that one knew that apples tasted good without them being a favourite food. There had been no moment of dazzling light, in which he had realised that she was the girl for him, in fact, in the beginning, he hadn’t even realised that his affection for her was heading in the long-term direction.
He had noticed no major change in her from the end of fourth year to the beginning of fifth; she hadn’t grown any taller, or more developed in any way, her hair was perhaps a little longer, but there was no single thing about her that made James sit up and take notice. And yet, he had found himself being drawn towards her more and more. Winning both the Quidditch and the House Cup at the end of last year had given James and extraordinary sense of pride that had been allowed to grow and manifest itself over the summer due to his parents indulgence, and Sirius’s own arrogance in affirming that it had been down to James’ skill alone that had won Gryffindor that last match against Ravenclaw. It was perhaps down to the fact that people were now noticing him more than ever that he began to notice those around him, and found within himself the desire to impress the pretty redhead who he had so far overlooked.
Even though James could not remember a defining point, he could well remember the day where his friends had found out and egged him on to ask her out. This was to be his first rejection.
‘Prongs!’
James heard his name being called as if from afar, and turned around in surprise to see his best friend grinning at him in a somewhat bemused sort of way.
‘What’s the matter with you?’ he said. ‘You’ve got the attention span of a goldfish recently. What were you doing?’
‘Sorry, I was miles away,’ he said, running a hand through his hair and glancing once again down the table to where Lily Evans was having breakfast with her friends. He hadn’t meant to; it was just an involuntary little movement born of his developing crush.
‘Miles away with what?’ Sirius asked, spearing a sausage onto his fork.
‘Homework,’ James lied. There was no real reason that James could think of that kept him from telling his friends of his new found affection, rather he had a feeling, and at this stage it really was only a feeling, that telling his friends might cause more trouble than it was worth.
‘Homework?’ Sirius repeated, unconvinced. James wished he’d come up with something a little better. ‘Mate, you’ve never worried about homework in your life!’
‘I think,’ Peter said leaning forward and grinning jubilantly, ‘that the question should be “who was he staring at?”’
‘Prongsie’s been staring at someone?’ Sirius’s face was one of pure delight, though James wasn’t entirely sure that it was out of happiness for his friend. It was very unnerving.
James turned a glare on Peter, who merely grinned back in the same manner as Sirius. In a last ditch attempt to save his dignity, James looked over at Remus, not really hoping for much. He was greeted with yet another grin and knew that he was utterly at the mercy of his friends.
‘So who is it, Prongs?’ Sirius said, almost cackling. He turned and looked down the table in the direction James had been earlier. ‘Someone from our year? Mary?’ Sirius looked to James as if for conformation, but James’ face remained determinedly impassive. ‘Hmm, perhaps not.’
‘Janie West?’ Peter piped in. James said nothing.
‘From where he’s sat, though, you can see the Hufflepuff table as well,’ Remus said, leaning over the table and squinting his eyes. ‘Perhaps it’s a Hufflepuff.’
‘Yeah, but the Hufflepuffs down there are all first and second years,’ Peter said, also leaning across the table.’
‘Perhaps he prefers the younger models?’ Sirius said, laughing.
‘It’s not someone younger than us!’ James interrupted. ‘I’m not a cradle snatcher!’
‘Ah ha! So he doesn’t deny that he was staring at someone!’ Sirius said.
Drat.
‘Okay, okay, so not someone on the Hufflepuff table,’ Remus said, now leaning past Peter to scan the bottom of their own table. ‘Petronella Stanford?’
Sirius snorted. ‘Prongsie may be a bit of a looker, but I doubt he could ever snare darling Petronella.’
‘Definitely not Petronella Stanford,’ James said. Petronella was two years older than them with shining blonde hair and blue eyes that seemed to have a rather strange effect on members of male sex. She also had a rather protective twin brother in Ravenclaw, and there was more than one boy who had ended up in the hospital wing after Gifford Stanford had discovered their liaison with his sister. James definitely did not fancy the hassle. Gifford was a very good Beater.
‘How about Clemmie Yates?’ Peter asked.
Despite himself, James pulled a face. Clemmie was the year below them and absolutely covered in freckles. She was also a good head taller than he was.
‘Hmm, I think that’s a no,’ Sirius said. ‘How about Lily Evans?’
James tried, he really did try, to keep a straight face, and for a few moments he thought he’d managed to get away with it. But then three identical grins blossomed over the faces of his friends and he knew he’d failed.
‘Merlin’s bloomers, Prongs fancies Evans!’ Sirius said looking backwards and forwards between his friend and the unsuspecting Lily, who was eating a slice of toast and chatting with her friends.
‘Shh!’ James hissed frantically. He didn’t want her, or anyone for that matter, to overhear.
‘So it’s true?’ Sirius grinned. ‘Confirm it, or you’re going to have to deny it when I go and tell her.’
That was threat enough; James didn’t want her knowing, not like this.
‘Okay,’ he said, raising his hands like a man surrendering. ‘Okay, I do.’
‘Haha!’ Sirius laughed and punched the air in triumph.
‘So, what’re you gonna do?’ Remus asked James.
‘About Evans or this idiot?’ James asked, indicating Sirius who was rolling around in his seat cackling like a banshee. ‘Bloody hell, Padfoot, you’d have thought none of us had ever had a crush or a girlfriend before.’
‘About Evans,’ Remus said. ‘You know, telling her, or asking her out.’
‘I don’t know,’ James replied, glancing back at Lily once again. He’d thought about it many times since they’d come back from the summer holidays, but for once, cowardice had got the better of him. For once, he was scared. He knew somehow that this wasn’t anything like before. His previous relationships had included a few, brief kisses with Daisy Mellor, a Gryffindor girl in their year when he was twelve, a three week relationship with a Hufflepuff, Dawn Maitland, at the beginning of last year, and numerous offers of everything from kisses to full blown marriage after he had emerged as the Quidditch hero at the end of last year’s season. Although he had taken a few of the less serious offers up, he’d never had anything that he expected, or wanted, to continue beyond a few weeks. How would he even start gaining Lily’s affection?
‘Oh, come on, Prongs,’ Sirius said, recovering himself slightly. ‘She’s bound to say yes! Look at you; you’re smart, young, intelligent, handsome, if I do say so myself. You’re a major Quidditch star, and a bloody Marauder for Merlin’s sake! Why would she say no? You had girls throwing themselves at you at the end of last. She’d consider herself very lucky to have you!’
James looked back down the table to where Lily was finishing her breakfast and gathering her bag up to head to their first lesson. Sirius’ words echoed in his mind. He was a Quidditch hero and a Marauder! He had had girls begging to go out with him. She was bound to be impressed and flattered that he was singling her out, who wouldn’t be?
‘Right,’ he said to his friends, feeling himself swell with confidence, ‘I’m going to talk to Evans. I’ll see you in Muggle Studies.’
Returning his friend’s wicked grins, he stood up and walked down the Gryffindor table, calling out her name.
James kicked the trunk at the end of one of the beds in his dormitory in sheer frustration. It sprang open, scattering clean robes, socks and spare quills onto the floor. He did not know who it belonged to, and he did not care. It did not improve his mood; all he gained was a throbbing toe. Angrily, he hobbled over to the window and leaned his forehead on the cool glass.
He hadn’t wanted to go to his lesson after his conversation with Lily, and so had stormed angrily up to the Common Room, dodging his Quidditch Captain, Burley, who had tried to corner him and talk tactics, and sought refuge in his dormitory. With the cool glass pressed against his forehead calming his mood, he wondered what had gone so wrong.
She had smiled at him when he asked to talk to her and told her friends to go on without her, and his confidence had soared even higher. But then he had started talking, and she had begun to look at him with contempt and shock and distaste. He had tried to do everything he could to try and impress her, what had gone so badly? Her words to him reverberated around in his mind.
Urgh. I don’t think so, Potter.
That hadn’t happened with the other girls, so what had gone wrong this time? He turned away from the window and threw himself down onto his four poster bed. His appreciation of Lily hadn’t cooled with her rejection of him, angry as he was. He felt a strange sort of curiosity towards her now, and a desire to break her coolness towards him. She had perhaps become even more desirable in his eyes. Staring up into the canopy, he made a deal with himself. He would not give up. He was a Potter, a Gryffindor, and he would endure until he finally won her hand, like the knights in the old stories his parents used to tell him. He would do everything he could to win over Lily Evans, even if it took months.
Outside the window, great big fat drops of water bounced off the glass. It was raining now.
The slamming of a door upstairs brought James out of his reverie. He looked up to see the offender, someone James recognised as a fifth year Prefect, dragging his trunk down the stairs. It was the last day of term and everyone who was off home for the holidays had gone downstairs to the carriages. Almost everyone, James thought with a smirk as he watched the boy try to drag his trunk through the portrait hole.
The Marauders had decided to stay at the castle for their final Christmas as Hogwarts students. What with James as Head Boy, opportunities to misbehave as they had done in previous years were thin on the ground, and they had decided that this holiday might be their last chance to have some fun, Marauder style.
As the portrait hole swung shut, James turned back to the fire and allowed his thoughts to drift once more. He grinned as he remembered how he had tried several times to breach Lily’s defences that year, all the time convinced, despite what he could now see was overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that she was warming to him and would soon give in to his charms. Until that day by the lake.
That day had been a wakeup call, of sorts. James had finally realised that Lily was serious in her rejections of him, and that his big-headed approach to flirting with her was having a detrimental effect. Of course, old habits had been hard to break, and James found that the confidence and big-headedness had become sort of a mask for his nerves to hide behind.
But this term had been different. James had a role of responsibility now, and found that really, it wasn’t all bad.
The portrait hole opened once again, but this time, it was Lily who climbed in. She was bundled up in a thick travelling cloak and scarf, and there were still flakes of snow in her hair.
‘I thought everyone had gone,’ James said as he got up off the sofa.
‘I just forgot my Charms notes,’ she said with a smile. ‘I leant them to Janie a few days ago.’
She disappeared up the staircase to the girls dormitories, reappearing again a few minutes later clutching a sheaf of parchments.
‘Where are the others?’ she asked looking around as she reached the bottom of the staircase. ‘I saw Sirius downstairs saying goodbye to Lynette, rather unenthusiastically I might add, but I thought Remus and Peter would have been up here.’
‘They said they had something to do,’ James said, resisting the urge to comment on his friend’s failing relationship. ‘I’ve got no idea where they’ve gone.’
That wasn’t strictly true; they were in fact raiding the kitchens for something to celebrate with, but Lily didn’t need to know that.
‘Oh right,’ she said.
Suddenly, a tension appeared in the air, and James frantically tried to think of something to say, but his mouth wouldn’t work. He just stared at her, noticing just how her eyes were shining in the light, the scattering of freckles across her nose, and how her cheeks were flushed in the warmth. She’d never looked prettier. Once, he would have used this opportunity to ask her out.
‘Well,’ Lily said slightly awkwardly. ‘I’d better go or the train will go without me.’
‘Yeah,’ James said.
She took a step towards him, and as if in slow motion she leaned up and gave him a kiss on his cheek.
‘Merry Christmas, James,’ she said softly.
She gave him a bashful smile and turned around and walked out of the common room.
‘Merry Christmas, Lily.’
Merry Christmas, James by Sapphire at Dawn
Chapter Notes: Merry Christmas, Andi. I hope you enjoy, and I'm sorry it's late!
Chapter Endnotes: I hope you enjoyed. Please review and let me know what you think!