I look at the black dress in my cupboard. It’s hiding behind the other garments, pretending it no longer exists. Or perhaps it’s just me who wishes that it didn’t exist.
It’s been three years. Three years since I last got this dress out of the wardrobe and went to a funeral. I can’t even remember whose funeral it was. Does that make me heartless?
But you see, Jean, I have a reason. In the months after the war ended, I went to more funerals than I could count. More funerals than anyone should ever have to go to. Many of them were people I didn’t know; I only went to support Harry. He was determined that everyone should have their own funeral, even if no family or friends could be identified. I remember one when only Harry, Ron and I could make it. No family of the victim, no friends. His body just a charred skeleton. No way of knowing who he was. It was a short ceremony. None of us could look another in the eye. None of us could even bring ourselves to shed a tear for the unknown wizard. We merely stood in a cold, cold silence.
Only a few days after the last funeral, I went back to Hogwarts to complete my final year. I can hardly remember anything good about that year. Normally at school I would have been able to cope with the stress of exams and whatever else we did by being around my friends. But that year they weren’t there. And so many other people, too, were noticeable by their absence. Dean Thomas, Colin Creevey, Michael Corner, Susan Bones, Ernie MacMillan, Professor Dumbledore, Professor Snape... even seeing Malfoy and Goyle together without Crabbe somehow affected me. The year we found and destroyed the Horcruxes had undoubtedly been difficult, but at least there had been a goal; something to aim for. The year that followed only seemed empty.
My only consolation was Ginny. We became closer than we ever had been in that year. But she had plenty on her plate as well. While Ron and I, once we finally got together, had a solid relationship (Ginny joked that we’d practically been dating for years so it was no wonder we were hardly bickering anymore), Harry and Ginny were not doing so well. It was painfully obvious to everyone that he couldn’t have loved her more, yet he still withdrew from her. He began to spend a lot of time with Ron and me, just talking about the war and the year it took us to find the Horcruxes.
They’re engaged now. Their wedding is only weeks away. I don’t know how I’ll face it without you.
I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, Jean. It isn’t helpful to you, nothing can be helpful to you anymore. Perhaps it is because losing you brings back all the things that I’d rather forget. Even last night, I dreamt of Malfoy Manor again... but you don’t need to hear about that.
I know that I should be able to see the good in life. Ron “ Daddy “ would want me to, and you would too, wouldn’t you?
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
Do you even know who I am, Jean? Do you remember Mummy? Maybe you don’t. You were only six months old, after all.
I remember everything, so clearly. All the time we had with you. The time when I first held you “ when suddenly everything I’d done had a reason. All the fighting, all the pain, all the loss... none of it mattered anymore, if it meant that you could grow up in a safe world.
~
“Ron, I’m home!”
“Hermione? Is that you?”
“Who else, Ronald?”
“Where’ve you been? I was so worried... I thought maybe “”
“Calm down, Ron, nothing’s wrong “ I just went over to St. Mungo’s to see Parvati because I’d been feeling a bit off for a few days... but I’m fine.”
“Oh that’s good, I’m glad you went to see her...”
“Umm, Ron, would you come downstairs for a moment? I’ve got something to say.” I couldn’t help my voice rising up an octave as I called him. He seemed to notice it and came tearing down the stairs in an instant.
“What is it, darling?”
“Can you... could you sit down?”
“Okay.”
“I “ well, I’ve been feeling a bit off for a few days so I went to see Parvati “”
“I thought you said you were fine!”
“Just listen to the end! Anyway, she did some tests and “ well “ Ron, we’re having a baby!”
“Really?” His eyes lit up like a child at Christmas. “Oh Hermione, I’m so proud of you!” Then he kissed me, almost as suddenly and with as much passion as that first kiss we’d shared during the Battle.
“So what are we going to name him?” Ron asked, several minutes later.
“Who says it’ll be a boy?”
“Well what am I supposed to say... what are we going to name... it?”
“You could say ‘what are we going to name him or her?’”.
“You have to make everything more complicated, don’t you, Hermione?” he said with a grin.
“Whatever Ronald. Just because your brain can’t cope with it...”
“Anyway, what are we going to name him or her?”
“I haven’t really thought yet. I hadn’t expected this so soon... we only just got married, Ron! We’re only 21!”
“But “ we’re going to be parents! Aren’t you excited?”
“I don’t know, Ron.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t miss the sadness on his face. “That’s okay, Hermione. I’m sorry. I thought you would want a family. But if you don’t, that’s okay. There’s ways...”
“No,” I replied stubbornly.
“Well what do you want then?”
“I want this baby.”
“But you just said “”
“Never mind what I just said, I want to have our baby,” I shouted.
Ron looked taken aback and upset “ we hadn’t bickered or argued in a while and it seemed to painfully remind him of the time he’d walked out on Harry and me. I could see it in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Ron. I didn’t mean “”
“That’s okay.” The silence was awkward. Silences between a married couple are not meant to be awkward. Ron tried a smile.
“So, this brings us back to the original conversation... what are we going to call the baby?”
“I don’t know... I’m not exactly the creative type. Perhaps we could use our middle names. After all, Jean’s quite a nice name and...”
“There is no way we’re naming our baby Bilius. I do want him to survive Hogwarts, you know.”
“Point taken.” Then suddenly I burst out laughing and Ron, though initially confused, joined in. I don’t know what there was to laugh about “ I was going to have a baby and I didn’t have a clue how to handle it “ but perhaps going through it all with Ron would make it okay.
~
“Mr and Mrs Weasley, you have a little girl.”
I breathed in deeply as I listened to the Healer. I tried to smile, but I was in so much pain that it turned out to be more of a wince. I looked up at Ron. He looked at the baby “ our baby “ with so much love that I couldn’t help but share with him.
The Healer passed our little girl to me and immediately she began to feed.
“Mr and Mrs Weasley, do you have a name for your daughter?”
“Jean Natasha Weasley,” Ron supplied proudly. Somehow the name Jean had stuck after that first conversation, and as soon as we met you we thought it was perfect, just like you.
“Ron, would you like to hold her?” I smiled to myself as he looked almost as terrified as when Moody had made a spider crawl across his desk.
“Merlin, how do I even do this? I don’t know how to hold babies...”
“Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. Here, take her like this.”
I watched with joy light up his face as he awkwardly held his daughter. Suddenly I really understood love. Unconditional love. Whatever little Jean did, I knew we would still love her.
~
“Happy Birthday dear Jean,
Happy Birthday to you.”
As we all finished singing the short song, completely out of tune, I smiled around at all the people who had come to celebrate Jean’s six-month birthday... which of course technically wasn’t her birthday at all, but it was an excuse to have all our friends over and show off our little girl. Ginny and Harry were there, of course, as well as the entire Weasley clan excepting Charlie. I was especially happy to see that Bill and Fleur had made it “ they had been away in France since Jean’s birth and I was desperate to introduce Jean to her cousin, Victoire. Andromeda Tonks had also brought along her three-year-old grandson, Teddy, and Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood completed the party.
“Oh Hermione dear, she’s such a gorgeous little girl, and you’re doing so well with her...” Molly gushed. I smiled. I’d been hearing such things from my mother-in-law for all of Jean’s life.
“I ‘ope Jean and Victoire will be able to play togezzer soon, per’aps when Jean is a leetle bigger,” Fleur said with a smile. The French woman, who had once been cold towards the Weasley family, now fitted in as well as anyone and I had been relying on her advice with all things baby these past six months “ by owl, of course.
We continued to celebrate and just enjoy being together, without the war overshadowing us. Of course Fred was still sorely missed at occasions like this, but even George had managed to move on to his own life and his relationship with Angelina was certainly blossoming.
I soon realised that it was high time for Jean to have a nap; all the noise and people were beginning to over excite her.
Bill’s family and Andromeda left soon after, to take home their little ones, but everyone else was much harder to get rid of. Eventually, however, Harry and Ginny finally walked out of our comfortable little cottage, leaving just Ron and myself. And Jean, of course.
“I’m so tired. How did we used to manage to stay up late working or going out for so long?” Ron said, yawning widely without bothering to cover his mouth.
“We have a daughter now, darling, it tires us out more. Speaking of Jean, I really should go and check on her.”
Tiredly, I heaved myself up the stairs and into Jean’s room. She seemed to be sleeping, though there was no sound of her usual snores. I picked her up out of the cot and immediately realised that something was wrong.
She wasn’t breathing.
~
That moment we lost you was so painful. Everything broke, no, it fractured into tiny splinters.
The Healers still can’t explain it. SIDS, they call it. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Usually it happens to Muggles, but it’s not unheard of amongst wizards.
So here I am, trying to prepare for your funeral, but only able to lie here on the ground in tears. With you gone, I have nothing left to live for. Everything is broken. If I died now, it wouldn’t matter.
No, that is not true. There’s Ron, and Harry and Ginny and my family and everyone else, but right now it feels like only you matter.
I must be strong
And carry on,
‘cos I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven.
It would be silly to try to join you. A pure act of selfishness. Though I can’t say I haven’t considered it. I would probably never find you, anyway, if I arrived at the wrong time. No, I must wait a long time until I see you again.
But trust me, Jean. I will always miss you and always remember you. There is one thing that haunts me, though. Do you remember me?
Good-bye, little Jean.
My little Jean.
Tears In Heaven by The_Real_Hermione
Story Notes:
As it says in the summary, this is based on Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton, so all the italicised lyrics come from that. If you don't know the song, it's beautiful and sad and I recommend that you listen to it.
Hope you enjoy the fic.
Chapter Endnotes: Please let me know what you think!