Part Three
"I don't understand," says James. "I thought we had plans. I wanted to take you flying."
Lily looks away, unable to meet his eyes. "I know. We did. I just…can't."
"Why?" he asks as she walks away. "This is the third time this week. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, James," she says. "I just can't go."
"You're giving me the brush off," he says. "You don't want to see me anymore." He says it matter-of-fact, though he feels the heat in his face that betrays his anger and hurt.
"I'm not," she protests, though she still refuses to look at him. "I just can't go flying today."
"Tell me why," he demands. "You couldn't go last week, you couldn't go yesterday, and now you're telling me you can't go today. I think you just won't go. I think you're scared."
She turns on him, eyes suddenly blazing. "Back off, Potter. I'm not scared and I'm not going."
James narrows his eyes at her first use of his surname. He feels the old antagonism returning and though he fears it, he is so used to it from their days at Hogwarts that it is also comfortable. He embraces it instead.
"Then tell me what's going on, Evans. I think I deserve it."
"You don't deserve anything if you're just going to push me, Potter. Back off for once."
She leaves him standing on the street corner, mouth hanging open. Though her back is straight and her head is high, he sees her raise her hand to her eyes and knows she is angrily wiping away tears. It has been two weeks since they were attacked by Death Eaters, and it is the third time they have fought. He thinks he is beginning to understand, but he doesn't know how to help her. He hurries after her, determined not to lose her again.
"Lily!" he calls. "Wait! I want to talk!"
"Go away, James!" she throws over her shoulder. "I don't want to see you right now."
"Why?" he asks, breathlessly coming up beside her. "Are you remembering something?"
She gives him the most disparaging look yet since they first met outside the Leaky Cauldron. He realizes how wrong he was when he sees instead the fear and confusion in her eyes.
"Tell me what's wrong," he says, pleading with her. She looks away. "Please."
"James Potter, you drive me mad," she says softly. She doesn't answer, but she doesn't dismiss him either. He walks with her, until she sighs and begins to talk.
"I just don't want to go flying, James. It's that simple." She says it very calmly, but James knows there is more, and decides to press her again. It's what he's good at, after all. He knows it is the only way to keep them honest.
"Why?"
"Dammit, James, stop pushing!" she snaps again. "I'm not some charity case who needs your sympathy to get back on my feet."
"I know that," he replies, biting back the hurt.
"Then stop treating me like one," she says.
"Stop acting like one," he snaps.
"How dare you!" she practically spits at him. They are standing in front of her flat, and James desperately wants to go up, to fight it out and make up afterwards. The furious look on her face, however, tells him that she entertains no such thoughts. He decides to push her more.
"I dare to because I care about you, Lily," he says, his voice tight. "I care about what happens to you, I care about you getting back your magic. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even know you were a witch."
Lily glances around the street to see if anyone heard them, then narrows her eyes and lowers her voice. "Thank you for pointing out my debt, then, James. I hope I've repayed you for it."
"You don't think…" he stammers. "You don't mean…how dare you, Evans!"
"It's the truth, isn't it? You found me, you rescued me, you slept with me. You were so worried about taking advantage of me and yet you did anyway!"
He is so angry he turns and walks away, only to return and sputter once more. She just stares silently, angrily at him. Finally he takes her arm, glances around, and turns on the spot. They disappear from London and reappear a hundred miles away on a grassy lawn where flowers are beginning to bloom.
"What the hell was that?" Lily gasps, doubling over. James feels a small guilty pleasure in seeing her reaction to the Side-Along Apparition, but concern overtakes him when she vomits all over the lawn.
"Shit, Lily, I'm sorry-"
"Sod off, Potter," she says, standing straight and backing away. "Leave me alone."
"No," he says, very simply. He watches her reaction, hoping he hasn't pushed her too hard.
She narrows her eyes, unable to respond. "Where are we?" she asks instead.
James shrugs. "This is my family's house. This is where I wanted to take you flying."
Her eyes blaze furiously. "And I told you I didn't want to go!" she snaps. "Take me home. Now."
"Not until you tell me what's really going on," he says, crossing his arms over his chest as if he were preparing to wait for a long time. "Tell me, Lily, or I'll have to figure it out on my own."
"Go ahead," she dares him, crossing her own arms. They glare at each other, and James is reminded of all the times they did exactly the same at Hogwarts.
"All right, I will," he replies. He circles her like prey. "I think you're scared, only you're not scared of flying, not really. And I don't think you're scared of me, either, although that might be part of it…" Speaking out loud helps him work through it, and he begins to understand. "You're scared of magic, of this new life, of the war." He pauses and drops his arms. "You're overwhelmed. It's too much, too fast."
He watches the emotions play across her face until pride wins out. She has always been proud, even at Hogwarts. He knows she will not admit anything, and worries he will lose her again. He doesn't know what to do, and neither does she, for she denies him once more.
"Maybe it is and maybe I am, but I can handle it, James. I just need some time."
"So you can back away and disappear?" he asks, suddenly terrified that she might vanish into the Muggle world again.
"I'm not a bloody coward," she shouts at him. "I'm just…I'm just not who you think I am."
"What the hell does that mean? And you're a coward if you won't tell me."
She is positively livid. Her green eyes are rimmed with tears she refuses to let fall, and her fists are bunched at her sides. "Damn you, James," she whispers.
"Tell me," he begs.
"All right!" she shouts. "I'm scared! I'm scared of who I was and of who I am becoming. I'm scared of flying, of Apparating, of fighting a war I didn't know even know existed six months ago—all of it." She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath. "And yes—I'm scared of you."
He steps toward her, but she shakes her head, and he stops to let her continue. "You say you liked me before, the Lily Evans I can't remember and can never be. And yet you like me now, the Lily Evans with no past, who knows almost nothing about magic. I don't understand. How can you like us both?" Her lip is quivering with the effort of holding back the tears.
He wants to take her and hold her and tell her he loves her, but he only nods in understanding, knowing that he needs to wait until she won't turn him away. "I don't know, Lily. I just do. Why can't you accept that?"
"Because I don't want you to leave me if I'm no longer who you think I am," she whispers, and her face crumples. He takes three quick strides and wraps his arms around her.
"I'm not going to leave you," he tells her, stroking her hair. "I'm not. No matter what happens in the future, no matter what happened in the past." He tilts her face toward him. "I love you. I've loved you for years. Please don’t be scared."
"I'm terrified," she admits softly.
"Of what, me?" he teases.
"No, the thought that someone could love me so much they would want to be with me no matter what." She sniffs, and he conjures her a handkerchief. It brings a brief smile to her face.
"I can't imagine anything that would ever change that," he says. "I really can't."
"What if I lose my memory again?" she whispers.
"I'm more worried about you remembering," he replies with a small wink.
"That's right, you're worried I'll remember what an idiot you were," she muses, the lightness returning to her tone.
"You said it wouldn't matter, and I believed you." He gives her a very direct look. "Why can't you believe me when I say the same?"
Lily sighs. "Because you haven't lost ten years of your life and the ability to charm a handkerchief into existence."
He takes her hand and leads her toward a small storage shed at the back of the house. "We'll work on the handkerchief spell then." Unlocking the door with his wand, he takes a well-worn broom from the dark shed.
"James, I'm sorry about what I said," Lily says softly from behind him.
He turns and kisses her soundly. "I know. Me too." He grins. "Now, come fly with me."
"That's a Muggle song," Lily murmurs, eyeing the broom apprehensively.
"Brilliant. You can sing it for me." He slips onto the broom, taking her hand. She still hesitates. "Trust me."
And she finally does.
* * *
"Tell me again why we didn't use Floo powder?" asks Lily, her eyes closed as she stumbles from the Side-Along Apparition. "And did I actually pass my Apparition test at Hogwarts? Because I can't stand it."
James takes her hand again to steady her. "You did, eventually. There was a lot of grumbling about it in the common room, though. It took you three tries, and you yelled at us all quite a bit while you were studying for it." James grins, remembering her hair-trigger temper in the common room while she studied.
"As if it was your fault," she murmurs, rolling her eyes at her past self. "Sorry about that, and I apologize for any future shouting I do about the subject as well. It's miserable."
"You'll get the hang of it," he says, leading her forward. "You did before, you will again."
"But do I want to?" she asks ruefully.
"It's not that different than a Portkey," James points out. "And you've done fine with those. You've even got the spell down."
"That's because the Portkey does all the work," she says. "And when you are Portkeying out of a dark forest with a dozen Death Eaters chasing after you, anything will do."
"Portkeying?" he asks teasingly. "I think you just made up a new word."
She laughs with him as they walk toward the gates of Hogwarts.
"Seriously, James—why didn't we Floo? Professor Dumbledore was more than willing to arrange a network opening for us."
"And I told him the same thing I'll tell you: you shouldn't see Hogwarts from the inside of a fireplace for the first time. You should see it properly, from the grounds."
"Only it's not my first time," she murmurs.
"It is now," he states firmly. "And I want it to be a sight to remember."
Lily shrugs. "It doesn't really matter, does it? It's not like I'm ever coming back. I missed my final year and lost the rest. What's the point?"
James is silent, for he has asked himself the same thing. Yet he feels like a part of their history is wrapped up in the castle, and he wants to share that with her. He wants her to see where it all began—her first true steps into the wizarding world, her first real meeting with him. He has no hope anymore that she will remember, but he hopes she can at least understand a bit more of her past so they can move forward. He knows this is the place to begin their future together.
"Try not to think of it that way," he finally answers. "Think of it as another connection to your past, a good one. Trust me, it's a place you'll want to know. Our kids will go here." He bumps her with his shoulder, giving her a wink and a smile to show he is joking. He isn't, not really, but he doesn't want to scare her away. Not yet, anyway.
Lily raises her eyebrows, a perfect reaction. "Our kids? Please, James, we're not even…" she trails off as they come to the gates of Hogwarts, and she sees the castle for the first time.
"Oh my."
James feels her amazement, her happiness, and like so many other times he has journeyed with her into her forgotten past, her sense of loss and sadness. He finds her hand and squeezes.
"I told you," he whispers. He takes out his wand and casts his Patronus to let Professor Dumbledore know they have arrived.
Lily watches the silver stag hurry toward the castle, a thoughtful look on her face. Then she pulls out her wand, takes a deep breath, and whispers, "Expecto Patronum." A trail of light spills from her wand and slowly coalesces into the form of a sparkling doe. James gasps in amazement as it sprints after his own stag, but Lily only smiles and nods, as if she is not surprised at all.
For a few moments they stand in silence, until James senses the wards on the gates come down. He pushes them open and leads her onto the grounds. Lily gazes around, taking it in, sometimes with a squeal of delight, other times with a slight frown, as if she were trying to remember. It is clear, though, that her memories will never return; James did not bring her here hoping they would, but rather so they could begin to make new memories together.
They climb the front steps into the entrance hall, and Lily gasps in surprise. It is the summer holidays and there are no students around; the staircases are unmoving, the portraits relatively quiet. It is still an impressive sight, however, rising seven floors above them, and Lily shakes her head in wonder.
James pulls her to the right first, toward the large double doors that lead into the Great Hall. It is dark and silent, for the ceiling above them is cloudy as a late summer storm approaches outside. James takes Lily to the Gryffindor table, but she is just as interested in the others as well. She has no real loyalty to a house she cannot remember. After thoroughly exploring the Great Hall, he leads her back across the entrance hall and down toward the dungeons, determined to show her every part of the castle possible.
They begin in the Potions classroom. Lily is fascinated and asks James dozens of questions about the class. He tells her once more that she was brilliant at Potions, top of the class with Snape. She pulls a face when he mentions her former friend. He is telling her about Horace Slughorn when their former professor walks in and stops dead in his tracks.
"Lily Evans?" he asks, shaking himself and walking briskly toward them with an overly excited smile on his face. "You're back! Dumbledore said you had returned to the wizarding world, but I had no idea you'd be coming to Hogwarts!" He looks ready to embrace her, but thinks better of it and holds out a stout hand instead.
"Hello," Lily says with a smile. "You must be Professor Slughorn. I've heard a lot about you."
Slughorn snorts inelegantly. "If you heard it from this tosser, then I'm sure none of it was accurate," he says with a wink. He holds out his hand to James, who takes it and rolls his eyes.
"Nice to see you too, Professor," he says with a laugh.
"I'm surprised you dared walk back into this classroom, Mr. Potter," says Slughorn, his voice dramatically serious, yet his eyes twinkling. Lily glances between them, a questioning look on her face.
"If Mr. Potter did not mention his inglorious exit from his final Potions class, I shall be happy to enlighten you." Slughorn puts his arm around her shoulder and lowers his voice.
"He apparently consumed quite a bit of Blissful Brew, and a strong one at that. He danced out of class leading a conga line with a cauldron on his head."
Lily bursts out laughing. "I hadn't heard about that. I can see why."
"It wasn't my fault!" James says, grimacing defensively at the embarrassing memory. "Sirius slipped it in my goblet. Which is why he left Hogwarts with a silver goatee and a French accent."
Slughorn claps him on the shoulder. "I suspected as much. You and your friends were quite entertaining, Mr. Potter. It's a wonder the castle survived your tenure here."
"It's a wonder we survived, sir," says James. "I hope you never have another group of muppets like us."
Slughorn laughs heartily. "But it was always interesting, James. And quite profitable for those of us who wagered on you in the staff room."
They talk for a while longer, until Slughorn remembers the ingredient he had come to find and the potion he still needs to brew. They exchange farewells and continue their tour of the castle.
After leaving the dungeons and returning to the Entrance Hall, James takes Lily up the moving staircases. Several of the portraits welcome them back to Hogwarts, exclaiming over Lily's return or James's older appearance. They explore each floor of the castle, visiting classrooms and courtyards, walking the corridors hand in hand. James shows her the secret passageways they discovered, the hidden tunnels only he and his friends knew. Once again she is excited at some times, yet quiet at others.
Soon they come to the gargoyle guarding the Headmaster's office. "Mint Humbug," says James, and the gargoyle lets them pass. They make their way up the spiral staircase and knock on the door at the top. A voice bids them welcome, and they enter the large tower room. Lily gazes around in wonder.
"Good afternoon, Ms. Evans, " says Professor Dumbledore, standing to greet them. "Welcome to Hogwarts." He does not say, "Welcome back," James notices, for he is sensitive to Lily's situation.
"Thank you, sir," she replies with a smile that is still shy. It is only the second time she has met the Headmaster. "It's good to be here. Thank you for letting us visit."
"Most students cannot wait to leave Hogwarts and rarely come back," he says. "It is a rare honor to have two of our most distinguished students return."
"I'm hardly distinguished," Lily replies, a puzzled frown on her face. "Considering I can't remember anything about being here."
"From what James has told me, you are making remarkable progress regaining what you have lost," says Dumbledore.
"It's not the same as remembering, though," she says softly.
"No, it is not." He moves around his desk and joins them. "It is unfortunate that for everything magic can do, it cannot yet restore what is has destroyed." He paused for a moment, eyes studying them both carefully. "And yet, we all change as we mature. Mr. Potter is perhaps one of the best examples I've seen."
James snorts. "I suppose it had to happen."
"I've heard the stories," Lily laughs. "New ones every day, it seems."
"I can only imagine the tales still untold," says Dumbledore with a wink. James affects a wounded look while Lily laughs again. "My comment was not to pick on James, but to only point out that perhaps you, Lily, have changed a bit more than the rest of us. You are still Lily Evans, a strong and gifted witch. You have simply grown far more and far faster in these past months than many of us do in a lifetime."
Lily blushes. "Thank you, sir."
"The Order is fortunate to have you and your gift with charms." He inclines his head and smiles, then sighs. "Speaking of the Order, I hate to cut short our conversation, but I must speak with Professor McGonagall about something. Please feel free to continue with your visit."
"Thanks again, Professor," says James as they leave.
"I'm sure you'll behave yourself, Mr. Potter," Professor Dumbledore replies. "The castle is quiet this holiday and I will surely notice any dungbombs, Filbuster fireworks, or Whizzing Worms going off in the Great Hall."
Lily laughs as James grins and rolls his eyes. The Headmaster chuckles softly behind them. They hurry down the spiral staircase and continue to explore the castle. The hallways grow dim as the approaching storm darkens the sky. They are crossing a courtyard from the Owlry when the clouds open up and a sudden downpour soaks them before they can dash across the open space back to the dry warmth of the castle.
Lily begins to ring the water from her clothing, until she stops, pulls out her wand, and remembers the drying spell. Soon they are both back to normal, though still slightly chilled. James thinks quickly: he had hoped to picnic out on the lawn, but obviously a change of plans is in order, especially if they are to warm themselves.
"Let's go to Gryffindor," he says, taking her hand and pulling her down the corridor. "I know a shortcut."
"James," she says, sounding hesitant. "I don't know about Gryffindor, I'm not sure I want to…" She trails off, looking unsure.
He squeezes her hand in support. "I know, I really do. But it's more home than any other part of the castle. I'd like to show you." He can suddenly think of no other place he would rather be with her than in the Gryffindor common room.
She takes a breath and nods. "Okay. Let's go."
They arrive at the portrait of the Fat Lady, who is busy sipping tea with a fellow witch wearing a hideous orange dress. She jumps up and exclaims when she sees James and Lily.
"My word, it's true!" she cries, spilling her cup. "You're alive! Welcome back, Ms. Evans. Welcome back." She begins to swing the door open, dabbing at her eyes in false happiness, until James raises an eyebrow.
"We haven't given the password, you know," he points out. "We could be imposters."
The Fat Lady stops, her hands flying to her mouth. Her friend gasps. "Are you?"
James laughs. "No, we're not. The password is 'summer holiday'."
"Thank goodness you're right," the Fat Lady whispers, opening the portrait hole for them. "I'd feel awful letting in an imposter."
James follows Lily through the portrait hole. The lights come on as they enter, and a fire appears suddenly in the hearth. She stops and stares around the cozy common room as the rain lashes against the windows. James wonders if he should show her the dormitories, but decides against it. Instead, he moves toward the fireplace and pulls a small box from his pocket.
He hears Lily gasp and grins to himself. Tapping the box with his wand, it grows until it is the size of the picnic basket he packed and shrunk earlier in the day. He is fairly sure he hears her breathe a sigh of relief, and hopes he hasn't planned something she is not ready for.
Grabbing a blanket from the sofa, he spreads it on the floor and begins setting out the plates and food. Lily wanders around before finally joining him before the fire. She sits and snuggles up next to him as the thunder picks up outside, resonating throughout the tower.
"So this was your plan all along?" she asks as he hands her a bottle of butterbeer. He shakes his head.
"Not exactly," he replies, but he doesn't elaborate. He is suddenly nervous. She glances at him over her drink, eyebrows raised curiously. They begin to eat in silence.
"Tell me one of those stories Professor Dumbledore seems to think remains untold," she says through a bite of sausage roll. "Something completely mad."
He pauses for a moment, not because he cannot think of anything, but only because there are so many stories to tell. He has not told her about Remus or being an Animagus. He has not told her about the Whomping Willow and their close call with Snape, or any other number of pranks, fights, and detentions he experienced at Hogwarts. He searches for just the right memory to share, until it suddenly occurs to him: sixth year exams.
Leaning back, he begins.
"At the end of sixth year, I was down here studying for Arithmancy. It was well past midnight when you came sneaking back in."
"I did not!" she exclaims, but she was smiling. "You said I was the picture of a perfect prefect."
"You were, but you did," he nodded. "You had been cramming for Astronomy. We were both exhausted and had a good row." He pauses to fill his plate. "I'm surprised we didn't wake anyone up."
"That doesn't sound all that unusual, from what you've told me," she points out. "What's the twist?"
James laughs. "You knew there had to be one, didn't you? We snuck out–well, I dragged you out, practically kicking and screaming. I decided that you needed to relax and I needed a break, so we raided the kitchens and took some food out to the lake. We sat there all night talking—once we stopped yelling at each other, of course—and fell asleep under the beech tree. Hagrid woke us up the next morning and promised he wouldn't tell Dumbledore."
"I wish I remembered something like that," she says, sounding wistful. "It doesn't sound that mad, though."
"Well," says James. "We both came down with Glimmergroit and had glowing spots for a week." He coughs, remembering the rumors. "It was a bit scandalous."
"Let me guess—I didn't talk to you for the rest of term?" she guesses.
"See, you're not so different," he teases back. "Of course you didn't. The fights got so bad that we finally hexed each other into the Hospital Wing. McGonagall dragged us up to Dumbledore's office. I told him we had pulled a prank on you, and you were still furious at us. He must have suspected something, though, because he still sent me the Head Boy badge over the summer."
Lily shakes her head. "From all the stories I've heard about you and your friends, I still can't believe he did that."
"Neither could I," James says. "And you were furious, even though we had had a perfectly nice night—and even though I had stuck up for you." He shrugs. "I think I turned out okay, though."
Lily leans over to kiss him. "I'd say so, but then, what do I know?"
He takes her hand and traces circles across the back. "We had a picnic under the tree that night," he murmurs. "I really wanted to do this out there, but the weather obviously isn't cooperating."
"That's okay," says Lily, glancing outside at the storm. "This is much nicer anyway. It's cozy."
"Could you take out the pumpkin pasties? And some more napkins?" James asks, sitting back and watching. She reaches into the picnic basket but comes out with something unexpected: a cloth napkin, but rolled into a sparkling diamond ring. She stares at it, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide.
"James, what's this?" she finally asks, holding out the napkin with the ring attached to it.
James reaches across and takes it from her with a sly smile. "It's a proposal, of course," he says. He takes her hand and holds out the ring. "Lily, I started falling in love with you years ago. I thought I'd lost you, but by some magical miracle I found you – different, yet still the same. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"James, I—" she starts.
"Will you marry me?"
She simply stares at him. She is quiet for so long that James begins to think he made a terrible mistake, that he's finally pushed her too far, too fast. He can hear his heart thumping loudly in his chest and is certain she can as well. After a painful wait, James finally places her hand back in her lap with a sad smile.
"I'm sorry. It's too soon. I should have waited, this is a big decision for you after everything that has happened these last months—"
She silences him with a kiss so fierce and passionate it takes his breath away. He can barely respond to her sudden emotion, and after an equally intense response, he pulls back, breathless and confused.
"Lily, I—" he starts again.
This time she stops him with a finger to his lips. She runs her other hand through her hair; he almost laughs, for she hated him doing that at Hogwarts, but has now picked up his nervous habit for her own. Finally she nods and turns toward him, green eyes very serious.
"I'm not saying no," she finally says. "But I'm not saying yes. Not yet."
"I don't understand," says James.
"You're right," she replies. "It's so much, so soon. I just want to be sure I'm not saying yes for the wrong reasons."
"What wrong reasons?" he asks, still not understanding.
"You," she replies softly.
James snorts. "Thanks. That makes sense."
"It does to me," she says defensively. "I don't want to marry you because you were the one who found me, remembered me, showed me my past. I think I'm stronger than that." She pauses. "I want to get married because I love you."
"Do you?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies without hesitation. He sees the surprise in her eyes.
"Then what's the problem?" He holds out the ring again. "You're not marrying a knight in shining armor, I assure you."
Lily laughs. "Not after everything I've seen and heard today, that's for sure." She stops and gazes at him. "Do you think it was fate?" she asks softly. "Fate that lead us to the Leaky Cauldron that day?"
"Absolutely," he says. "I do."
She is quiet again, but soon begins to smile. "Then who am I to put off fate?" she asks, taking the ring and placing it on her fourth finger. "Yes."
"Yes?" he repeats, his voice rising with uncertainty. He hardly dares to believe.
"Yes, I will marry you," she says.
"Really?" he asks. "You're sure?"
"Really," she replies, her lips next to his. He grins.
"Lily Evans, you have no idea what you've just got yourself into," he says, remembering their first trip to Diagon Alley so many months ago.
"This time I think I do, James," she whispers with a kiss. And he hopes that for all that she has lost, something new has now been found.
* * *
Remembering Lily by Gmariam
Chapter Endnotes: Thank you so much to Lea/Muggle girl marauder for once again being my alpha-beta and helping me with this final chapter! She has been so supportive of this story I couldn't have done it without her.
And to Carole/EquinoxChick for her Britpicking, although there are probably a few I didn't run by her in the second half. And to Lori/Weasleymom for helping with the final line!
I do hope you've enjoyed this story. This was where I always planned to take it and how I wanted to finish it. But there are always more James/Lily stories to be told... :)