The trees in this section of the forest are clamped together like quills in a box. The roots beneath the damp moss are alive now. The soft gushing from a stream nearby tempts me, as my lungs strain under the thick air and the panicked chant of obscenties.
I think to myself I won�t forget this. My body and mind shift their functions, and the weakness of my Animagus form slowly, dangerously takes complete control over me. My hooves struggle in a traitorous scramble of roots. The barks graze my coat as I bow and pull my head at odd angles to release my antlers from the thicket of low-hanging vines.
He growls.
I desperately eye my murderous friend, and the words �after all I did for you� form vaguely in the back of my mind. My heart is thudding to the point of being painful now. As the werewolf raises his paw (had it always been this huge in size?) my heart beats the way two hearts must do together.
The white hotness I expect never comes: a blur of black leaps upon Moony at such an angle that he is thrown hard against the twin trunks behind him. There is a chilling howl that raises the fur on my coat and echoes the length of the forest. Jaws snap wildly. I can�t tell in the next moment whether the crunching sound that follows is the breaking of Moony�s bones or the sharp crack of twigs under my hooves.
�Where in the world did you find about this place?� I say through my teeth.
Sirius pushes the door open with his shoulder and we freeze for a moment because it hangs dangerously off the hinge. �From a friendly figure at the bar. Only I�d rather have been there for my godson�s birthday this time,� he says with a grim smile as he rummages about in the rusty, broken camping goods left in the corner. He comes up with a battered umbrella with polka dots and transfigures it into a quilt with a similar print. �Why? You don�t like it?�
�Lovely taste,� I say panting against Remus� weight and trying not to collapse the two of us into a heap. The shack is dark and abandoned like much of the eastern edge of the Sherwood Forest. It took us half an hour on broomsticks to find the spot. Sirius has a candle hovering near the broken window but the darkness is almost solid, pressing, pinning me against the wall. �This is the best you could do, the densest bloody woods in the whole of Britain?�
I�m breathing heavily and he looks at me, surprised, as we lay Remus down on the quilt.
�Is it that again? I thought it was only at Hogwarts � sleeping with the hangings open, and the tunnel into the Shrieking Shack, you hated using it.� He�s looking at me like something makes sense to him now. �Look, it�s almost dawn though, and you can go back if you want. I�ll stay with him.�
�Why here, Sirius?�
�Why here? What d�you mean why? Did I know it�s so thick here? I don�t live here. I didn�t know you�d get your antlers in a knot. How was I supposed to know that? No, wait. He�s scratched himself on the back, it�s nasty, just let him sleep on his side.�
�You always say you�d take care of it.�
�And I do. Merlin, it isn�t easy to find a place we can reach where we won�t be at a risk of running into Muggles, or worse, wizards.�
�He�s never lost his mind as a werewolf before now has he? The Forbidden Forest was thick. You can�t bloody breathe in here!�
�Well, just go home then. I can�t do much now, can I?�
Remus moans in his pillow.
His body has taken a beating tonight.
The robe he�s covered in is dark and wet in places where it meets his open skin. He�s been unconscious ever since transforming back. His temple is swollen and bleeding. �We need to patch him.� I hate it when my voice sticks in my throat.
�He won�t thank you for it.� Sirius is sitting in the shadow with a bottle next to him. He douses a piece of towel from it and then cleans the grime and cuts over his hands.
�He�s going to scar badly. You pounded him like a mad dog.�
�Well, I hope you aren�t complaining.�
I shake my head. It sets a prickling feeling on my shoulder. �We ought to try at least.�
The side of my neck is hot and stinging. I push myself up stiffly and go to look over my shoulder in the window. It reflects bloody and mangled in the dusty glass. As I pick out a red- stained splinter, the window frame swims in front of me.
�His skin is not like ours; it�s tough and it�ll heal. You try to clean that off with alcohol, and he�ll be crying with pain. Leave him alone.�
�Alcohol? He uses Murtlap, doesn�t he?�
�Wake him up and ask him. Did he bring any?�
A panic rises in my chest. �You didn�t bring any?�
�Should I have?�
I round on him, frustrated. �You live with him.�
�Obviously, I'm not his wife. I do help him up occasionally from the floor once he's done through his two jobs. I don't understand what is going on with you? I�m sure he wouldn�t be disappointed about scars if he hears the reason he got them almost saved your life. When was the last time he actually brought along those tentacle things anyway?�
I stare at him. �I put away Galleons for him in an account. What the hell is he working two jobs for?�
Sirius rolls his eyes. �Of course that�s like something you�d do. I should�ve known.�
My anger flares. �What is that supposed to mean?�
�You shared a dormitory with him for seven years. D�you honestly think he�s using your gold? It�s amazing that I opened the letter from Gringotts that morning. I thought it was mine, really. If you�d mentioned this to me at all, I would�ve asked you to keep your nose out of it, too.�
�I know for the next time now, don�t I?�
I pull the door wide open so it slams against the wall. But he must have held it with a spell and I hate him for it, because suddenly my angry steps are carrying me away, and that sound would have been reassuring in this absolute silence outside.
It�s almost a relief to look at this scene with human eyes. The forest canopy is washed in the light of the full moon. It must be nearing dawn but the lower and lower I look, everything is still shades of black. I weave my way through the trees until I end up near a fallen log. I sit against the biggest tree there.
I think of Remus as he laid naked on the leaf-strewn ground just after his transformation. He�d opened his eyes for a second, tried to say something, but it seemed to take too much effort. He had dry blood on his chest and his breaths were ragged. How could I have possibly been afraid of that? He�d always say he was afraid that when people learnt about his condition they began to fear him even on days when he was harmless.
Only few people don�t. The first time Remus had told Lily about his lycanthropy, she�d just seemed to guess, to know, to accept who he was. She�d been waiting for us to come out about this once we left Hogwarts, when I�d still continued to inconveniently ditch her once a month. I loved her for that, for giving him the space to decide when he�d do it. It was on her birthday. He came home for breakfast with a basket of her favourite muffins from the Leaky Cauldron, and a look of anticipation in his eye. When he confessed to her, she hugged him and said, �You�ll always be Remus.� She would call the others by their nicknames often when she was in a mood for it. But she never called him Moony: he�d always be just Remus.
Only he wasn�t always Remus. He hadn�t even been the Moony I knew.
I watch a worm wriggle its way from the ground and appear a few seconds later on my trouser leg. My shirt is drenched and sticking to my chest. I open the laces of my boots with shaking hands and pull them off. The cool dirt feels good on my feet and, for a moment, I�m sure that I won�t pass out. I lean my head against the tree and close my eyes.
I�m walking. The ground is uneven in places with the litter of stray roots and decaying logs, but my steps are easy, unhindered. I change my path when I walk into a trunk that�s blocking my way without really thinking about it. My head is heavy, as if I�m intoxicated with the rich smell of the forest and it has filled me in like I�ve been chain-smoking for hours. I don�t know if I�ll ever be able to shake it off. If Lily hugs me later, she�ll probably smell the scent of the forest on me. For some reason, I want to cry at that thought. I don�t know where I�m now. Darkness is swallowing the path behind me. I worry slightly if I can find my way back. Then I stop by a tree because it looks so familiar. I trace the letters �L.E� on it.
My hand is shaking. I sink beside the tree.
Lily had carved her initials on a tree at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It was a spring evening in our last year at Hogwarts and I was coming back from Hagrid�s. �Your turn,� she�d said, turning, smiling, and for a moment, I was surprised that she knew I was there. But before she saw me, Remus had stepped out of the shadow like he�d been with her all along. Something closed in my chest as I�d watched him: his shirt sleeves were folded up. He never wore them like that because they showed his scars. But when he was with her, he could afford to be himself because she knew him. He�d pushed her against the trunk, kissed her.
There�s a soft clicking sound. �That was such a long time ago, mate.� Peter is leaning against a tree. Half of him is hidden in the shadow but disapproval shows on his face.
�It doesn�t matter now.�
�Why then, he�s lucky to have a friend like you. In more ways than one, perhaps.� His voice comes as an echo in the small clearing.
I shake my head. �You don�t understand. I can�t do these full moon nights anymore. I�ve got to be with Lily. I know it�s someone close to us, someone close who�s betraying us. I�d never doubt my friends, Peter, but I can�t put Lily�s and Harry�s lives in danger.�
�This isn�t you; it�s Dumbledore. He�s putting things in your head after those meetings.�
�No. Nobody knew that Lily was going to her mum�s funeral.�
A cousin had offered to pick Lily up in London and drive them to her town. Lily went to her sister�s house in Surrey later and was attacked by two Death Eaters when she was walking alone in the neighbourhood. A Squib who was walking her cats half saved Lily by sending an owl to the Ministry and entering the fray with a fake wand. The Auror Department might have thought of not taking the letter seriously at all.
�Marlene made them say a prayer for Lily�s mum. There were half a dozen people at that meeting.�
�Nobody knew besides the three of you where the funeral was. It�s not Sirius. It can�t be you.�
�He loves her, you know in your heart, he�d never...�
I look up at the earnest expression on his face wanting to believe him so badly. �I don�t want to know if, I want to know why, Peter.�
�James? What are you doing here?�
I look at my shoulder and Sirius is there. He�s blurry, so I take off my glasses and clean them on my shirt, but I end up getting blood on them. I have got a dead worm sticking to my wet shirt. �Peter. Where�d he go?�
Sirius is looking at me in surprise. �Mate, Peter didn�t come tonight.�
�Oh,� I say glancing behind him at the trees but there is only pressing darkness.
�Oh, Merlin, look at your shoulder.� Sirius climbs over the log and kneels in front of me. �James, you better clean that up. See, I got this.� He�s holding out a jar of something yellow and cotton wad.
�Were you scared of him?� I whisper.
�What? Listen to me, you�re blue in the face, shit, you need to clean that cut. C�mon, I�ll help. Let�s go inside.�
When I stand, the ground tilts slightly and I feel Sirius grasp my arm.
�Shit! Why are you so warm? James, look at me, are you running a fever?� His voice comes from a distance. �James! James!�