He didn’t know why he had chosen Canada. Perhaps it was the rugged landscape and the isolation from others, or maybe it was the simple fact that the cold winters mirrored his heart. Life had never been easy for him, though he should have been happy to simply be alive. If it hadn’t been for Fawkes... No, he would not think that way. Caught up in the past though he was, this man would not focus on that night, on what could have been. Life hadn’t ended for him that night, oh no, that night was simply the night that everything had changed. He had been found innocent. He was now free from the law, free of his duties, free of the places where it all took place, but he was not free from himself, from his past, from his inability to move on. Though lost in his memories and wanting nothing more than to rid himself of the world that had caused him so much grief, he found that he was unable to give up the magical world and all that it had to offer. He continued on in the magical world, hiding on the outskirts of a small town, thankful for the fact that the terror of his country had never reached here, thankful that no one here knew his name and what went with it.
Today was a day similar to the others, yet different. Today, as always, he was thinking of the past, lost in the memories of what had been the hardest, yet most fulfilling years of his life. Today, however, instead of mindlessly wandering his house and the streets, he chose to take a drive down the country roads, having just passed his driving test the week before. He started his car and immediately tuned the radio to the country station. He had discovered country music soon after moving to Canada, and had instantly taken a liking to it. He found that listening to the depressing stories of others had a calming effect on him in such a way that he hadn’t felt for many years, from the time that he’d had her.
His life had been miserable until he had met her. Abused by his father and having to endure the endless fighting of his parents, he had found his comfort behind the hedges in the park, watching the playing children. It was there that he had first seen her, the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, showing off for her sister, doing the most unnatural things. From then, he had known. He’d known exactly what she was, and had planned for weeks about how to break the news to her. It had to be perfect, for that moment would determine how she saw him forever. It would be his only chance to appear different than what his name and appearance made him seem. But the moment had not gone well. She had not reacted as he had imagined. She had stalked off, hating him for what he had said. Curiosity, however, must have taken her over, and one of the greatest moments of his young life had been the moment in which she had approached him, for that moment had been the beginning of something amazing, something that he would treasure for the rest of his life, something that would drive him to do all that he did. From that moment on, they had become the best of friends.
The rest of the summer had been the start of the happiest years of his life. For once, he’d had a friend, someone he could trust, someone to keep him company. This happiness, however, hadn’t lasted long. His best friend had been sorted into Gryffindor at her arrival at Hogwarts, while he had been sorted to Slytherin. Though this had not been problematic at the time, it had soon caused much strife in their relationship. He did not know how or when, but before he’d known it, he had fallen in love with his best friend, yet slowly, she had begun to distance herself from him, claiming that he was becoming someone else. He had made other friends at Hogwarts, friends that his best friend disapproved of, friends who had been striving to become Death Eaters.
Then Fifth Year had brought out the worst of him. Perhaps it had been the stress of his OWLS or the constant bullying that had brought him to it, or perhaps it was the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to tell her he loved her, as he had never seen love work. To him, love only brought pain, yet that love, though it was pain, would be the one thing that drove him to do what he did.
Nevertheless, he had cracked, and unfortunately, it had been directed at her. Until that time, he had never truly felt regret before. There was more to come, but at that time, he had been unable to imagine anything beyond her, beyond this regret. All that had mattered was that he make it right. He had waited for her, and when she had come, he had apologized more sincerely than he had ever apologized before. He had felt his heart break when he had hurt her, but this apology had not made his heart heal. Truth be told, his heart never had healed from that moment, for he had hurt her, and in return, he had hurt himself. It had been the greatest pain he had ever felt.
She hadn’t accepted his apology, and from then on, their relationship had been shaky, and so had been his heart. It would mend a little in the moments when all had felt right again, but then the fragile scabs would break every time they had slipped, every time something had gone wrong.
More time had passed, and if their relationship had been fragile during their sixth year, it was almost dead by the seventh, when she had begun seeing one of his worst enemies. Within a few years after their graduation, they had no longer been on speaking terms, having chosen their separate ways. He had become a Death Eater, she was part of the Order, defying the Dark Lord three times. Reconciliation had been nowhere in sight. From then on, life had become much harder. He had been still completely in love with his friend but completely in the Dark Lord’s service.
He had been perhaps his most faithful servant. Not only was he resourceful, he could also obtain any information that the Dark Lord might need. That night had been no different. He had been sure that that prophecy would ensure the Dark Lord’s power, and he had wanted to be the one to hand it to him, he had wanted to be honoured above all others.
He hadn’t known that it had meant her. If he had, he wouldn’t have told the Dark Lord what he had discovered. He had felt a desperate need to save her, as he could not be sure that the Dark Lord would spare her, so he had gone to the only person who could help, the only person the Dark Lord had ever feared. He would protect her, but in exchange, he’d become one of the most useful people that the Order had ever seen. He had become a spy among the Death Eaters, spilling secrets to the Order, while leaking incomplete Order plans to the Dark Lord in order to keep his loyalties hidden. He had stayed under the close eye of the one whom he had hoped would keep her safe, posing as a teacher, educating the young ones while being a double agent.
But it had all been in vain. The Dark Lord had still found her, still killed her. She had “put her faith in the wrong person.” He had felt his heart break again, felt it shatter into a million pieces. Pieces that could never be put back together, a heart that would never love again. The Dark Lord had disappeared that night, but he hadn’t cared. He hadn’t celebrated, he hadn’t raised a glass to toast the boy who had done it. Instead, for the first time since he had been a child, he had cried himself to sleep, knowing that he’d never see those eyes again, feeling that great regret, knowing that it was all his fault...all his fault, and nothing could change that. He hadn’t cared that her son had lived, he was sure to mirror his father anyway. All that really had mattered was that she was gone, gone forever, and it was all his bloody fault.
I'm Moving On by Maple_and_PheonixFeather
Story Notes:
Thanks to hogwartsbookworm for betaing this, and bringing it from a jumble of sentences, into a readable story.
Chapter Notes: I promise you all that the little things (like him liking country music) will make sense in the end :)
Chapter Endnotes: Thanks for reading! Drop a review if you have the time, it means a lot to me :D