Lily Evans wasn’t one for commitments.
Lily had never had a boyfriend for more than two months, had never joined any club or team, had never had the same favorite color for more than a week, had never had the same hairstyle for more than a month, had never had the same best friend for more than two years, never talked to her parents more than she had to, and generally avoided being tied down.
Lily enjoyed having no commitments. She enjoyed the freedom. Now, she thought, that all had to change.
For the first time in her life, Lily Evans had made a commitment. And this commitment was to none other than Mr. James Potter.
This thought scared Lily as much as it delighted her, she decided, as she lay out on the lawn by the lake on the Hogwarts grounds on an October evening. The night was a little chilly, but otherwise pleasant. A crescent moon glowed peacefully in the starry navy blue sky. The grass beneath Lily was warm, the summer heat still lingering in the earth. A gentle breeze blew Lily’s bangs across her face. She shivered a bit, pulling the sleeves of her pink sweater down over her fingers.
Why did I say yes?, Lily wondered. Because deep down inside, even though you might be scared, you want this.
Lily knew that was true. She had wanted to be with Potter for over a year. Though she had pretended to hate him, Lily’s harsh words and teasing had merely been an expression of her infatuation with the boy. When he had been appointed Head Boy and she Head Girl, Lily had never been more gleeful. Gradually, corridor patrols had turned into hours in broom closets and dates to Hogsmeade and then into a question.
Will you be my girlfriend? James had asked.
I thought I already was. Lily had answered cheekily.
And although she had never been happier, Lily was absolutely terrified of the prospect of being James’ girlfriend. She had no idea how to be a girlfriend. She was scared that she was tying herself down. That she would end up married to him. (Lily had no desire to get married anytime soon.) That she was shortening her young years by attaching herself to this wonderful boy.
”Lily? What are you doing out here? We have a Potions exam tomorrow.”
Hearing Remus Lupin’s voice behind her, Lily sat up, brushing the grass out of her hair. “Hey, Remus. Just relaxing. I needed some fresh air.”
”I feel you,” Remus said, sitting down next to Lily and reclining on the grassy slope, hands behind his head, gazing at the moon. “How are things?”
Lily laid back on the grass next to Remus. “Oh, they’re fine. Classes and Head duties are keeping me busy, you know?”
”Yep,” Remus said. “And how are you and James?”
”Happy,” Lily replied.
Remus nodded. “You seem like it.”
”I’m so scared though,” Lily blurted out before she could stop herself.
”Lily Evans, Gryffindor?” Remus laughed. “Scared of what?”
”Commitment,” she murmured. “I can’t do commitments. I’ve never had a long term relationship before. I don’t like them. I like freedom. I like snogging whoever I want.”
”You sounds like Sirius,” Remus said. “But what makes you think you and James will be long term, anyway?”
”I’ve just never had a relationship that started so well,” Lily said. “And I really like him,” she admitted, grinning sheepishly.
”Forgive me for saying so,” Remus said, “but there’s no reason to think that you’re going to be tied down in this relationship forever. We’re seventeen. Most relationships don’t last too long. Don’t get yourself all scared now, when you’ve just started dating. Just try to enjoy every moment of it.”
”I’m trying,” Lily said, “but then I think that one day, either this relationship will end, or we’ll get married. And both prospects are terrifying. I don’t want to ever hurt James by ending this, I can’t even fathom the possibility of hurting him like that, but I really don’t want to be permanently bound in this relationship.”
”Well, is there anyone else you want to snog at the moment?” Remus asked Lily.
”No…” Lily answered.
”Then why not be in a relationship? If James is the only boy you want, then why be scared of being with him? If you were single, you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, anyway. You’d just want to be with him again.”
”That’s a good point,” Lily agreed.
The two friends laid on the grass in silence, listening to the wind rushing through the trees in the Forbidden Forest and the gentle ripple of the lake’s waves against the grassy bank. Lily took in a deep breath, enjoying the smell of the crisp autumn air, which was tinged with the scents of cinnamon and pumpkin and sweet decaying leaves.
”And how are you doing, Remus?” Lily asked.
”Oh, just fine. Trying to figure out what to do when I’m out of school. It’s rather difficult, you know, when you’re like me…” Remus trailed off.
Lily knew exactly what he meant. Being a werewolf, Remus was barred from most Ministry positions and other desirable occupations.
”But I was thinking of becoming a Healer, specializing in Creature-Induced Injuries,” Remus continued. “I think St. Mungo’s might hire me in that section, considering my condition. I’m especially interested in dark creatures, and being good at Defense Against the Dark Arts, I might be pretty good at healing dark injuries.”
”That sounds like a wonderful idea, Remus,” Lily said kindly.
”And what about you? What do you want to do?” he asked her.
”Well, I’d like to become an Auror “ “
”Birds of a feather, you and James…” Remus smiled.
”But Dumbledore says the Ministry is too corrupt,” Lily continued. “So I was thinking that I would work for Dumbledore, fighting the Death Eaters, and go to Auror School when all of this is over.”
”That could be a while, Lily,” Remus said gently. “This war is only just beginning.”
”You think so?” asked Lily nervously.
Remus nodded in the affirmative. “I do. My father was asked to join the Death Eaters just last week. I’m awaiting my invitation any day now. I heard they’re recruiting all kinds of dark creatures.”
”You’re not a dark creature, Remus,” Lily said, trying to comfort her friend.
”According to the Ministry, and just about every book out there written on werewolves, I am,” Remus grimaced.
Lily shrugged. “People are prejudiced.”
Remus nodded. “They are. But they’re right some of the time. There are a lot of bad werewolves out there, working for Voldemort, biting small children just to get revenge on their parents…” Remus said bitterly.
”Yes,” Lily said, “but you’re not one of them.”
”Thanks, Lily,” Remus said. “You’re one of the kindest people I know.”
Lily glowed inside. “That’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.”
”You’re welcome,” said Remus, “but it’s true. You mean your parents never told you that you were nice, beautiful, intelligent, or anything?”
”A long time ago they did,” Lily replied, “but not since I was fourteen or so. Around then, Petunia started to get really sulky whenever I was around. She’s jealous, I think. Jealous that I’m a witch, that I’m smarter than she is, that I’m prettier. So my parents stopped complimenting me, and just started giving her all the praise they could. I think they figured I could take care of myself,” she finished.
Remus shook his head. “That’s really sad.”
”It used to be. But I’ve moved on,” Lily said. “Petunia’s getting married this winter. My parents sent me a letter telling me I was invited, but… I don’t think I’m going to go.”
”Why not?” asked Remus. “No matter what Petunia’s said to you, she’s still your sister.”
”Exactly,” said Lily sadly. “She’s still my sister, and her feelings still matter to me. I don’t want to destroy her wedding day by showing up and reminding her of everything she wanted to be.”
”That’s a good point,” Remus said.
”Besides, she didn’t even send me an invitation. My parents told me the when the wedding was. If that’s not a hint that I’m not wanted, I’m not sure what is.”
”You still have time to decide for sure,” Remus said. “But do what’s best for you. You’ve got to think about yourself sometimes and stop sacrificing your happiness for everyone else’s.”
”I suppose you’re right,” Lily said. She turned on her side to look at her friend. She smiled. “You’re a great friend, Remus. I’m glad I have you.”
”That means a lot to me Lily,” Remus replied. “It really does.”
Lily closed her eyes and let the autumn breeze wash over her. She could smell pumpkin pie and sweet potatoes from the castle. Dinner must be soon, she thought.
”Don’t you love autumn?” Remus asked, obviously savoring the castle’s smells as well.
”Yes and no,” said Lily. “I love it for the weather, the food, school… but it always makes me sad.”
”How so?” asked Remus.
”Everything dies,” she said simply. “Autumn, to me, is a reminder for the mortality of everything. Even myself. And it’s a clue as to what’s to come, Winter. It only gets darker during the autumn.”
”That’s quite depressing,” Remus laughed.
”Don’t laugh!” Lily protested. “It’s true! And this autumn, it feels especially poignant. With the war and all, I mean.”
”I see your point.”
The two laid in silence for another few minutes, enjoying a few minutes of peace that were so rare in ther lives.
”Lily?” Remus asked.
”Mmm-hmm?”
”Stay with James,” he advised. “He loves you more than you know. You could be so happy together.”
Lily Evans’ heartbeat accelerated for a few moments. The idea of commitment still scared her, but the thought of it was a little more appealing and made a little more sense now, after talking to Remus. She took a deep breath. “Okay.”
After a few more minutes, Lily and Remus stood up, brushing grass off their clothes and out of their hair, and walked into the castle, the cold breeze that forewarned of winter nudging at their backs.