Lord Voldemort a.k.a Tom Riddle a.k.a You-Know-Who a.k.a He Who Must Not Be Named sat upon his throne looking dejected.
"I hate Harry Potter so much!!!"
"Quite right, my lord," came the voice of Lucius Malfoy.
"Oh shut up, Luci, I was having a private moment." After some quiet reflection he continued.
"It's just not fair. I'm the greatest wizard ever, he's just a half-blood brat!"
"As are you, my lord. Half blood, if not so much a brat."
"I said shut up, Lucius," Voldemort whispered dangerously. Malfoy retreated quietly to the corner.
"I mean, I know I've given him tons of chances to escape, come up with his own plan of action et-cetera, but I really thought I had him the last time. Every time I ask him how he keeps escaping, he won't tell me! He says he blunders through it all. He's trying to trick me, the little squirt. It's not right, I'm way taller than he is!"
The Dark Lord whom all feared rose from his throne and began to pace the floor. The surrounding Death Eaters shivered.
"Where's my hot chocolate?!" he barked suddenly.
"Here, my lord." A young novice started toward him with a steaming mug.
"FOOL! You didn't put any marshmallows in it! Die!" Voldemort brandished a wand at the misfortunate, who crumpled to the ground instantly.
"See, it's that easy." He sipped his chocolate thoughtfully. "It's all Dumbledore's fault. He got the stupid boy out of the underground passage in book one when he was unconcious, he gave him a bird and a hat in book two (and I was only a memory!), Potter had strength from his phoenix's song in book four, in book five he dueled with me, in book six-"
"Forgive me, my lord," interrupted Lucius," but as the audience do not yet know the contents of book six, it would prehaps be unwise for you to continue."
"What do you mean they don't know? It's fairly straight forward isn't it? Potter is miserable because that toad Black is dead -"
"I believe he was a dog my lord," interjected Malfoy.
"Whatever. And then -"
"Master, I assure you the people do not know."
"Well, when will the book be released?"
"July 16th, I believe."
"JULY 16TH!!! THAT'S AGES AWAY!!!" The Dark Lord appeared highly disconcerted. " What's it called?"
"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince my lord."
"What?! Why is Potter in the title? It's getting a bit predictable at this stage don't you think? He's always in the bloody title!"
Lucius whispered something that the rest of the Death Eaters couldn't hear.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T BE IN THE TITLE?!!!" Voldemort screamed at the top of his lungs. "I am a major character with the coolest evil lines and I can do anything I want! Get Rowling in here now!!!"
Lucius looked around himself uncomfortabley before answering.
"I'm afraid that's impossible, my lord, she has a Fidelius Charm on her house, no-one can find it."
"Fine." Voldemort reached into his robes and withdrew ... a phone. The Death Eaters ooohed and aaahed. Voldemort's chocolate sat by a small window, long forgotten.
"My lord, how can you hope to contact her with that piece of equipment?"
"Directory Enquiries, idiot. They know everything."
"Muggles are cool," Lucius blurted out before he could stop himself. He was treated to a round of the Cruciatus Curse.
"Hey Jo, it's Voldie, s'up? I don't care, Dung isn't the only guy that can do that you know."
"Thomas Marvolo Riddle, how did you get this number?" came the voice of J.K Rowling.
"Don't call me that. Anyway, this call is costing me so I'll just get to the point. I have been informed through my connections that book six will be released on July 16th."
"The whole world knows that by now, Tom."
(Lucius Malfoy gets another round of torture)
"I see. And why is it taking so long? If you're not careful I shall have to pay you a visit."
"Don't be daft, Tom, you'll do no such thing. I have completed the book, it's being published."
"I see. And who is publishing the book?"
"Blooms ... why do you want to know?"
"So I can hurry them up a little, and maybe be in the title?"
Joanne slammed the phone down in exasperation, casting a Fidelius Charm over her number as she did so.
"DAMN IT!!!" Voldemort cried sulkily.
Three hundred miles away, the boy named Harry Potter woke with a start, the burden of having his name in the title once again placed upon his young shoulders.