A/N: At last, it's here. Exams are over, and I'm back on track. Yay! This chapter is for everyone that screamed at me for updates. The pressure works, people.
Harry awoke to the sound of water trickling down the window-panes. His head ached as he tried to understand where he was. Suddenly, everything came rushing back … Ron, Hermione, Voldemort …
“Where’s my broomstick?”
“Potter, you’ve just interrupted my story!” spat the Dark Lord from his make-shift throne opposite Harry and his friends. “Now I’ll have to start again …”
Harry gave a quick look around at his dismal surroundings. The small room contained one window, the Dark Lord before him with Lucius Malfoy in tow, and his two friends still asleep beside him.
“Potter, you’re not listening!” scolded Voldemort.
“What?”
“As I was saying, before you and your friends very rudely fell asleep,” the Dark Lord continued, “my fifth year was a troublesome time for me. It’s hard to get a girl-friend when you’re a youth set on world domination, so I had to content myself with figuring out the Chamber of Secrets. I got that the next year. That Basilisk was friendly, but it all went down-hill after that girl was killed because ““
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake!” shouted Harry exasperatedly. “Why do I have to hear your life“story every time we do this? Book two, book four, when does it end? I practically know everything about you!”
“But this is the only time I get to talk about myself,” said Voldemort angrily. “You always get all the attention! I only make an appearance at the end of the book, and it’s not good enough!”
“But, it’s so boring.”
“My life is not in the least bit boring, Potter!”
“Well, we all feel asleep,” said Harry pointedly, gesturing to Ron and Hermione beside him.
The mighty Dark Lord began to stamp his foot and yell incoherently. Malfoy trembled at his feet. Harry remained superbly unperturbed.
“Is that supposed to scare me?”
“You’d better be scared if you know what’s good for you, Potter!” spat Voldemort. “You’re not ruining my moment this time!”
“Oh, just write a book, why don’t you?”
“Oh, but I have, Potter,” grinned the Dark Lord mischievously. “And your death, dear boy, will make the perfect final chapter. Lucius! Get the book.”
Malfoy got to his feet hurriedly, and ran from the room before Voldemort had time to ask for anything else.
Ms. Joanne Kathleen Rowling, or ‘Jo’, as she goes by, sat in her castle without a care in the world. Looking out over the lake and mountains that surrounded her, it seemed as though she resided in Hogwarts itself. The peace and quiet that she enjoyed after her tiring work on her next best seller lasted for approximately 10.056237 minutes, before she was hurtled back into the world she had created by none other than Remus Lupin.
“Hi, Jo.”
“Remus, you know better than to enter into this world. Get back in ““
“Jo, we need you. Voldemort has Harry, and we think he might do some serious damage this time ““
“How do you know he has Harry?”
“Well, the dorm is a complete mess, there are holes in the window and the trio have disappeared. It’s either Voldemort or Fred and George.”
“Don’t worry about it Rem. Voldemort can’t kill Harry, that battle isn’t until ““
“But, he’s been down to your publishers every single day! He’s seriously violating the Statute of Secrecy. Dumbledore’s furious with him, he wants everything back to normal by July sixteenth. The readers won’t be expecting this, the last book ended with ‘The Second War Begins’, we need to fix this, and it’s all -“
“Alright Remus! You’re much more frantic in real life.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just that Severus ruined my werewolf suit and I need it for the next book.”
“I’ll get you a new one. Come on, let’s go save the day.”
Remus and Jo ran towards the broom closet, where Jo pulled out the new Lightening 3000, the fastest broom yet.
“I thought you gave Harry the best broom?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Remus. Besides, I haven’t introduced this broom to the books yet.”
“Remus pulled out the Butterfly 63, the slowest broom in it’s class. Remus knew from experience that this broomstick was not the most comfortable either.”
“Emm, could I get a different broom? I don’t want to look cheap.”
“Stay in character, Remus.”
With that, Ms. Rowling flew off into the twilight at a startling speed, whilst Remus Lupin followed at a distance, wobbling occasionally.
Lord Voldemort took his book, Tom Riddle and the Half Blood Prince - a Secret Life Revealed in Poetry and Prose, and set it down before Harry Potter.
“Well, Potter, what do you think of that?”
“It looks very childish to me, if we’re being honest with each other here,” Harry began. “Did Malfoy draw it or something?”
“How dare you, Potter. I am the only one who insults Lucius.”
Harry felt himself being dragged up by Voldemort’s wand, and prepared himself for the dose of pain he was undoubtedly due.
“Crucio.”
“Oh, that’s original,” spat Harry before he began to yell in pain.
Suddenly, the pain stopped. Harry opened his eyes cautiously. Voldemort stood before him, shaking his wand. Red and gold sparks flew out of it.
“For Merlin’s sake, why does this always happen when I attack you? I think my wand is broken.”
“Or maybe you’re just stupid!” Harry shot back, displaying his clear lack of wit.
“Yeah, good comeback, Harry!” said Hermione, who had woken recently and was surveying the scene with great interest.
Voldemort ignored this feeble insult, and threw Harry against the wall, shoving a copy of his book under Harry’s nose.
“You see, Potter? This is what it’s all about. You thought you could defeat me? This book will line the bookshelves of every bookshop in the world by 9.00 a.m. tomorrow, and there is nothing you can do about it.”
Voldemort began to break into one of his trademark evil laughs, but before he could begin, the door burst wide open, and an assortment of people entered the Riddle House.