A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Seer - thank you for your great reviews and emails.
I would also like to thank Monerz, Iheartsirius and Topicgirl08 for all their kind words and encouragement which made this so much fun to write.
DISCLAIMER: I heard the cookie jar song from the show Barney the Dinosaur. I don't know if that's where it sprung from originally. God only knows where Voldemort heard it.
Lord Voldemort paced the dusty wooden boards which floored the crumbling remains of the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. He waited, rather impatiently, for the familiar ring at the front door and the flap of paper upon the worn carpet. Finally, after what seemed like hours, he heard what he was waiting for.
"Excellent," he breathed, "bring him to me."
There was a short scuffle outside the front door, and two Death Eaters brought a struggling man into the room before the Dark Lord. Voldemort looked upon him with cruel amusement, as he tortured the helpless Muggle postman under the flickering candlelight.
"How many times must I tell you, Muggle fool, stop delivering me this junk! I am not the slightest bit interested in being the one-hundereth customer to the local supermarket, beach holiday or no beach holiday!!!"
The balding Muggle cringed in fear, readying himself for more sharp blows from the Dark Lord's tongue.
"Now get out, and take your free Muggle give-aways with you!"
The man quickly got to his feet and hurried out of the door into the cool morning air. He wished someone would change shifts with him, Voldemort reacted the same way to Muggle post every week.
"It's just so much more fun when it's a fourteen year-old boy tied to a rock, like in book four."
"That was your father's headstone, my lord."
"Lucius, your interjections are becoming most tiresome. Why are you always here, have I no other Death Eaters?"
"Shall I fetch another my Lord?"
"No," said Voldemort thoughtfully, "get me a hot chocolate."
As Lucius hurried away, the Dark Lord delighted himself with the prospect of frying him alive when he forgot the marshmallows.
"Fools, they always forget the marshmallows," he cackled evilly.
Lucius returned with a steaming mug of hot chocolate, which had (much to Voldemort's disappointment), three large marshmallows bobbing in it. Lucius took his place amongst the Death Eaters in a semi-circle around the Dark Lord, some of which were placed upon cushions at his feet due to a limited supply of chairs.
"My dear friends," Voldemort began, and silence ensued immediatley, "you all know of my quest for eternal life and power. I believe, by getting my name into the title of the next book, I can achieve this longed for immortality."
A shiver ran around the Death Eaters present, as they exchanged looks of wonder and confusion.
"But how to achieve this position?" Voldemort continued. "I spoke to Rowling herself of course, but to no avail as many of you witnessed. However, I believe more deviant ways are possible. This of course, once again involves Harry Potter."
Some groans of exasperation were heard from Lucius Malfoy's corner, and a Cruciatus Curse was thrown his way before Voldemort continued.
"As we have already learned, Harry Potter and I share many interesting qualities. Among them, the ability to speak Parseltongue, a liking for phoenix feather in our wands, and of course, an unnatural obsession with marshmallows."
Some Death Eaters murmured in interest and agreement with this.
"So I have decided we can use this against him. We need to draw the Order's attention away from Harry's weakness for marshmallows to other types of confectionary. We shall do this by the use of a potent chant I have recently discovered :
'Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?'
'Who me?'
'Yes you.'
'Couldn't be!'
'Then who?!'
La la la la la la......and so forth."
"Cookies, my lord?"
"Precisely. The Order will be so preoccupied with this cookie nonsense that they will forget entirely about marshmallows, thus allowing us to take all marshmallows out of Potter's vicinity. Potter will be driven insane due to his great weakness, and I will be able to penetrate his mind and learn all of the Order's secrets for the next book! Any questions?"
"My lord, I - "
"Shut up, Lucius. We strike at dawn."