Until The Very End
It is a late October afternoon, and the village pub is dark, crowded, and noisy. It isn’t unlike the Leaky Cauldron or the Three Broomsticks, except that instead of wizards downing Firewhisky and Butterbeer, the local Muggles raise mugs of ale as they celebrate the end of a long day.
I sit alone at the bar, chilled hands wrapped around a large glass of Muggle spirits. What it is, I don’t know, but it burns my throat even as it numbs my mind. My clothing is rumpled, my hair mussed, and my eyes are bleary as I stare blankly into space, but I don’t care. The past twenty-hours have depleted my will to do anything except sit here and drink.
The door opens and I turn as one with the inebriated crowd of the Weeping Wolf pub to see who has joined us. Lily Potter steps into the dim pub, and I sigh with resignation: I have been found. I quickly finish my glass and call for another one, oblivious to the small voice in my head telling me to stop. Lily comes up behind me, and she is already frowning at my sad state. I am ashamed, but even that does not stop me.
–Lily!†I exclaim, a slight slur to my words. –What are you doing in this part of town?â€
–I could ask you the same thing,†she replies, taking my mug and pushing it away. She leaves some Muggle money on the bar, and I do not resist. I have none, and I don’t care.
–You could,†I say, letting her guide me out. There are a few jeers and whistles, but she throws that steely-eyed look she has at the crowd, and we leave the pub peacefully. –But I’m not sure I’d have an answer for that. How did you find me, anyway?â€
–After checking your usual haunts, I came down here,†she replies. –I knew you grew up around here, and given the name of the pub, this seemed as good a place to start as any.â€
–Well done!†I cry, throwing my arm across her shoulder. –How about joining me for another round, then?†I try to turn her around and head back into the Weeping Wolf, but she stops me.
–No, thanks,†she replies. –I think you’ve had enough. Let’s go home.†She leads me instead toward a quiet alley not far down the street. I stagger slightly, my arm still around her warm shoulders for support. I almost feel like singing, but stop when I realize what she means to do as soon as we step into the alleyway.
–I don’t think I’m in any state to--†I start to protest.
–I’ve got you,†she says, taking my arm and turning quickly on the spot. I feel the sickening compression of Apparition, made ten times worse by the copious amount of liquor I’ve consumed. We reappear outside the small cottage that I share with Sirius. I promptly fall to the ground and vomit my afternoon’s worth of intoxication.
–--Apparate,†I finish weakly. I am too drunk to even feel embarrassed.
–Come on,†Lily says gently, helping me up. –Let’s get you cleaned up and to bed.â€
She takes me inside. The house is dark and unkempt; the war has escalated, and neither Sirius nor I spend much time at home these days. We certainly don't bother keeping it tidy when we do. Sirius is obviously still out on Order business, trying to track down Dorcas Meadowes, though there is little hope she will ever be found alive after what we witnessed that morning.
–Where’s Harry?†I ask as Lily undresses me. "And James?" Once again, I do not protest at this invasion of my privacy and will. I feel like a rag doll under her gentle touch.
–James is with Dumbledore,†Lily answers quietly. "Bathilda is staying with Harry." She hands me a glass of liquid: a potion, most likely, knowing her, but where it came from, I do not know. I feel as if I am moving in slow motion as I reach for it, and every movement is beginning to take effort. –Here, drink this.â€
–Nice old bat,†I murmur, taking a deep sip. It feels clean and cool after the bitter liquor I’ve been tossing down my throat for the last several hours. Then I realize what I've just said. "Bathilda, not you."
–Oh, Remus,†she says, helping me into bed. I close my eyes, trying to ignore the reproaching tone in her voice. –Why?â€
My eyes fly open as I sit up. I grimace at the sudden pounding in my head. –Why? Didn’t you hear? Dorcas is missing. Gideon and Fabian are dead. They were ambushed last night.â€
She nods, a sad look on her face. –I did. Sirius told us before he left.â€
–Did he tell you we got there too late to help? Did he tell you that I was the one who found them this morning? Did he tell you about their mutilated bodies, their lifeless eyes staring into the sky?â€
Lily is silent, as if waiting for me to deliver the final blow.
–Did he tell you that he thinks it’s my fault?â€
She frowns. –No, he didn’t--and I know he doesn’t believe it, even if he's said it. He's just shocked and angry, like we all are.â€
–Oh no,†I shake my head, though it feels as if I will be sick again. –He was quite clear. He practically accused me of leaking their location to Voldemort and setting them up. Lily!†I grab her shoulders, desperation pounding in my heart. –I didn’t kill them! I’m not a traitor!â€
–I know,†she says soothingly, laying her hand on my cheek. It is warm and comforting, and I want to hold it there forever. –And he does, too. We’re all on edge right now, that’s all. We know that someone in the Order is--â€
–I am not a spy,†I repeat. I want to shake her until she believes me, but somehow, I manage to stop myself. The very thought of it makes me nauseous; how could they even begin to suspect me of something so horrifying? I wonder if Lily believes me, or if she is just trying to calm me.
–No, but you are a powerful wizard.†Her words stop me. I drop my arms and sink back into the pillows, wanting only to disappear until it’s all over. –How could you go into a Muggle pub like that, put them all in danger?â€
–Voldemort will get them anyway.†She stares at me until I look away, unable to face her. –What’s the point, Lily?†I ask softly, alcohol giving voice to the hopeless thoughts I have not allowed myself to ever say aloud. –I might as well be one of his monsters, one of his Death Eaters. Sirius seems to think so. I just thought I’d try another way of taming my inner beast tonight.â€
–By getting completely pissed?†she asks skeptically. "That's not like you, Remus. You could have exposed yourself in such a state, hurt someone with your magic."
I don’t know what to say. She’s right: I put the entire pub in danger trying to drown my sorrows. It’s a measure of how badly the war has affected us all that I would even consider drinking alone in such a place at such a time. Yet I had lost three friends to the war that day, and quite possibly more; for once, I didn’t know what else to do, how to deal with it.
–I don’t want to be alone,†I finally whisper, though I hate saying it out loud and admitting my weakness. But Sirius isn’t there; he does not trust me. Pete is still injured, and James hasn't come. I am alone.
–I’ll stay with you,†she says. I feel the blood drain from my face. She is supposed to be in hiding with James and Harry. They've been underground for months, the constant stress wearing them down as they wait for the war to end so they can live their lives in the open, safely. Yet in my current state, I cannot guarantee her wellbeing, let alone her life.
–No, it’s not safe--†I protest, though a part of me is so grateful that I want to accept. We were close once, before she finally saw what the rest of us had always seen in James. In some ways, we still are, and I know that her offer comes from that place, but it cannot happen. She must be safe.
–I know a few good spells,†she replies. Her tone allows no arguments; even James can't win when she sets her mind to something. –I’ll be fine. I'll just stay for a while."
I stare into her eyes, my chest tight with pain, fear, and loss. At this moment, she is the only person who trusts me, the only person who truly cares. A sudden longing overcomes me and I slam my lips to hers, my hands coming to her hair as my tongue desperately works its way into her mouth. To my surprise, she lets me kiss her, as if she knows that pushing me away would destroy me right now. Yet, all too soon, she slowly pulls out of the kiss, smiling sadly as she brushes the hair from my eyes. I immediately regret what I have done.
–I’m sorry,†I whisper, turning away in disgrace once more. Sirius was right: I may not be Voldemort’s spy, but I have just betrayed one of my best friends. My insides twist with shame and guilt, and I want more than anything for her to leave so I can be alone with my pain and misery.
–It’s all right,†she tells me, taking my hand and smiling once more. I want to believe her, because she is one of the most compassionate people I know, but will she look at me differently now? Will she tell James? She gently pushes me to lie down once more and I let her, completely at her mercy. –I understand. You’re my friend.â€
–And James’,†I murmur, still disgusted with myself in spite of her understanding acceptance. –Some friend.â€
She kisses my forehead. –Only a true friend would feel such pain and remorse. Besides, you’ve been through a lot and had far too much to drink. I understand."
I take her hand as my eyes fight to stay open. –Thank you,†I whisper. It is all I can say.
–Go to sleep, Remus.†She pulls a blanket over me as I finally begin to drift to sleep. I only hope that my dreams are not as dark as the reality I leave behind. And that, when I wake, life will continue, though it will never be the same.
* * *
The sunlight streaming through the window blinds beats against my eyelids, but more than anything, I want to roll over and sleep for another day. Yet the birds have started their incessant twittering, and I groan, forcing myself to sit even though my head feels like it is going to explode.
I glance around the sparse room in confusion, for I can’t recall exactly how I got there. It is empty. Of course it is: there is no one to stay with me. I am alone, for even my friends believe me a true monster now. I remember Sirius's words, thrown with such venom. It is entirely possible I may never see them again after yesterday, and the thought frightens me more than anything at that moment.
I feel both nauseous and famished, and then, suddenly, I remember the pub and just how much I'd had to drink, and I realize it is a wonder I'm even alive, let alone awake before noon. And then I remember Lily--her words, her potion, her lips--and I close my eyes as despair almost overwhelms me once more.
My friends had abandoned me, but she had not. She had found me and cared for me. Lily had been there for me.
Dragging myself from bed, I walk slowly across the floor and find my bathrobe. I wonder if she is still here, or if she has left to return to her family. A part of me yearns to find her, though I know the latter is best for her safety.
I groan again as the even brighter light of the small kitchen bores into my pounding skull. It smells like coffee and eggs, which is an odd smell for the cottage, especially now. Perhaps she has stayed. I hear a voice from the middle of the light and squint at the stove.
"Rough night?" asks James. I stop short. James is the last person I expect to find in the kitchen. Sirius, perhaps, though it seems unlikely after what happened yesterday. And Sirius has certainly told James what happened between us, what he thinks I am. Yet now, James is here, cooking breakfast at my stove.
"Very," I finally reply. I sit down at the table and run a hand through my tousled hair.
"Lily said you had quite a bit of scotch at that Muggle pub where she found you," says James. He sets two plates on the table, and then he turns back for two cups before sitting down and joining me. "I'm surprised you're upright."
"Tell her thank you for me," I murmur. I glance at the food James has placed before me and try not to frown. James has never been a good cook, but he never gives up trying.
"It'll taste better than it looks." James grins, and then he pauses as he takes a mouthful. "Mostly."
I laugh, enjoying the lighter moment in what could be an awkward meeting, and I pick up my fork. "Thank you. I appreciate it."
"I owe you," says James.
"For what?" I ask, thinking bitterly back to the night before. James owes me nothing; I owe him everything.
"For doubting you, for not being there last night when I knew you were upset--and for all the wrong reasons." He looks uncomfortable as he sips at his coffee. "I'm sorry, Remus, I--"
I wave him off with my fork. "No. Don't worry about it. I get it, I really do."
James is silent, his face a study in mixed emotions: guilt, anger, fear. The things we feel all the time now, it seems. Except for maybe Sirius: he alone seems driven by pride and determination.
"Padfoot was just upset about Gideon and Fabian," James says, pushing his breakfast away. "We all are. Frank is in shock; Mad-Eye is furious. Pete is scared, but Sirius…well, he just needs to get it out his own way."
I smile ruefully. "By accusing his friends of being traitors. Right."
"He lashes out at whoever is there. You know that," James protests. "He's done it his whole life. You were there, you found them. It could have been me, it could have been Pete, it could have been anyone."
"I'm not a spy," I murmur. We both know there is more to Sirius's accusation, but we do not speak about it. The eggs and toast are not particularly good, but I am so hungry that I eat them anyway. It keeps me from having to look James in the face. It probably reinforces my guilt, but I am not guilty of what he thinks I am. I would never betray the Order to Voldemort. I will fight until my last breath. He must believe me.
"I believe you," he replies, as if reading my mind. He stands to take his plate to the sink, his breakfast only half-eaten. "And Sirius does as well, deep down. You'd never betray one of us to the other side. I know that."
His voice is so sincere that I am almost moved to tears. Instead, I simply nod gratefully, thankful for his faith in me. I finish my breakfast in silence.
"I'm scared, though, Remus," James finally says into the silence. "More than ever."
I look up at him, because, more than anyone, he has a right and reason to be scared. "Has something happened?" I ask sharply. "Is Harry all right? Lily?"
James sighs. "They're fine, but Dumbledore says things are getting worse. He thinks we need to hide--really hide."
I shake my head in disbelief. "You are hiding. What else can you do?"
"The Fidelius Charm."
I stare at him. It is the last, strongest protection they could possibly need. "Why?" I ask softly, trying to stay calm as I pick up my plate and join him at the sink. "What's changed?"
James turns to gaze out the window. "It's bad, Moony. Dumbledore said Voldemort has chosen to come after Harry." He turns back to me, his eyes bright with both fury and fear. "He's a year old, Remus. What the hell does he want with a child? My child?"
I place my hand on his shoulder, trying to give him strength, though I feel weak myself. "I don't know, James. None of it makes sense; it never has. Is Dumbledore certain? Is there no other way?"
"He's had word from his source." He grimaces, avoiding that horrible word, 'spy'. "I don't want to do something so desperate, but how can I not? How can I deny my family the protection they need?"
"You don't," I reply. "You do what you have to do." I take a deep breath, knowing I am about to put my own life on the line, yet knowing it is the most important thing I'll ever do or say. "I'll be your Secret Keeper. I can keep you safe."
James frowns, and there is more than just sadness there. I can’t read it, though, and he just nods, obviously too choked up to reply immediately. When he speaks, his voice is shaky.
"Sirius has already offered." I try not to let my disappointment show, but James knows me too well and gives me an understanding smile. "Thank you, Remus. It means more to me than you could possibly know that would you do it--both of you. It puts anyone in danger, to be Secret Keeper for us."
"We'd all die for you, you know that," I tell him, and he nods again.
"I know, but I need you to do something else for me, Moony." He pauses, his face so serious, so sincere. "I need you to live."
I am speechless; I shake my head, not understanding.
"I need you to be there for Lily and Harry if anything happens to me--" he starts, but I interrupt him.
"Nothing is going to happen."
"Merlin willing, they'll survive this," he says. "And I know Sirius may be Harry's godfather, but as Secret Keeper, he'll be in danger as well. I need you to be there for them if anything happens to me--or to Sirius."
How can he say such a thing? If he knew what I'd done, he wouldn't even bring up her name. Guilt twists in my gut. Yet she had been there for me; how could I not do the same for her, should it come to that?
"Nothing is going to happen to you," I repeat numbly, willing it to be true.
He takes my shoulders and gazes intently into my eyes. "But it could. Remus, I know you've been close to her since fifth year. She trusts you. Please tell me you'll look after her and Harry if anything happens to me."
I can only say yes, but the words stick in my throat, so I simply nod. He nods in return and steps back.
"Thank you," he says softly. "It makes it easier, knowing they'll be all right with you watching over them."
"Everything will be fine," I say, but I do not believe it. The Fidelius Charm is powerful, advanced magic. Dumbledore must be truly worried for their safety to suggest a thing. It means James and Lily will be hidden from anyone who does not know the secret of their location, their very existence magicked away. And whoever holds that secret will be in danger as well, for surely Voldemort will track them down to learn the secret. It must be a risk that Dumbledore obviously felt was worth taking.
How has it come to this?
"When will you cast the charm?" I ask.
James looks at me sadly. "Tonight. Dumbledore says it's imperative to do it at once, but I had to come and see you first. I had to say goodbye. I don't know when I'll see you again."
My eyes widen. "But Sirius will know the secret!" I exclaim. "He can tell me. I can be there if anything happens. I can help protect you--"
He cuts me off. "Sirius is going to go into hiding as soon as it's done. It's the best way to ensure the secret is safe."
"But what if he's caught?" I ask, suddenly frightened. "What if he gives it up? No one will be able to find you in time!"
"He won't give it up, Remus," James says sharply. "You know that. Just as you wouldn't."
I shake my head; he's misunderstanding me. "But if he's tortured--or worse, killed? What then?"
"Then the secret dies with him," James says very simply. "And there is nothing more we can do but fight when they come." He takes a deep breath. "I will do everything in my power to protect my family, but Remus…you must stay alive, for them. For me."
"You don't want me to know," I breathe, stepping away, my heart pounding in my chest. "You don't trust me."
"No!" His eyes flash behind his glasses. "Dammit, Remus, that's not it! I need to know you'll be here to protect them. To keep fighting. To stop him. Please."
In my mind, I will find Sirius, and he will tell me the secret. But I nod to James, promising my loyalty. He closes his eyes in relief, and then he begins to move towards the door.
"One more thing," he says. "Dumbledore wants to see you as soon as possible."
My face pales as I walk with him. "About Gideon and Fabian?"
"No, he said something about how there is no rest for the weary. I think you're back on duty." He opens the back door and gazes out across the small lawn. "Bring him down, Remus. Finish this for us, before it's too late."
I swallow hard. "I'll do my best."
He steps outside, and then turns and holds out his hand. "I'll see you soon, Moony."
I return his grip with as much strength and feeling as I can. "I'll hold you to that, Prongs."
And then he is gone. I stare at the empty step, wondering when it will all be over and I will see him again.
The war continues, however, and I return to the house, determined to fight until the very end.
* * *
Until The Very End by Gmariam
Story Notes:
Happy birthday, Lea! And many thanks to Soraya for her beta work!
Chapter Endnotes: This story began as a drabble well over a year ago. I then expanded it into the first part you've read here, hoping it would become part of a larger story. That, however, never happened. But I came back to it, and suddenly James appeared and the second part was added.
I know it's a bit bittersweet for your birthday, Lea, but I do know how much you love Remus and I hope I've done him justice here, no matter how sad it is for him. You can cheer him up. ;)
Many thanks once more to Soraya for her brilliant beta work! I really appreciate all her comments and suggestions.
And finally, thanks for reading-how about a review? Authors love to know people are reading their stories. And that's what reviews tell us, so I'd appreciate any comments you'd care to leave!