–Lily…I have to tell you something.â€
James stood in the entrance to the kitchen, holding a letter and wearing a tense face. Lily looked up from the breakfast she had been feeding Harry; when she saw the look on James’ face, she felt her heart drop.
–What is it?†She asked, trying to keep her voice calm but unable to suppress the tremble. James didn’t reply, just looked back down at the letter. Lily stood up and moved toward him.
–James, what is it? It’s not Sirius, is it? Or Remus?†She grabbed his forearm and gave him a pleading look. Finally he looked up and met her eyes.
–No…it’s your mother. She died yesterday.â€
Both shock and grief hit Lily like a wave. She wavered for a second before falling back down into her chair. She couldn’t speak; she couldn’t think…she couldn’t even cry.
James silently sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. Lily just stared down at her folded hands. She took a deep breath and asked, –How did you find out?â€
James set the letter down in front of her. –Mrs. Jenson. You know, the squib who lives in Suffolk. She saw the obituary in the paper yesterday and sent it.â€
Lily picked up the letter and read it…or rather, looked at it. She felt so numb she didn’t take a word in. A small slip of paper was also in the envelope: the obituary. Marie Evans, 56, died Wednesday morning, May 20, of lung cancer. Survived by her husband Harold and daughters Petunia and Lily. Enjoyed bridge, knitting, and gardening. Funeral Saturday morning, 10:00 am.
Underneath was a picture of Marie in her younger years. Her short red hair was in loose curls. Her smile was wide and engaging. And her eyes were Lily’s eyes, round and green…
Looking up at her son, who had dumped his bowl of cereal on his high chair and was swirling it around, Lily realized for the first time that Harry had not only her eyes, but Marie’s eyes also…
That thought, that realization finally brought the tears to Lily’s eyes. She put her head down on the table and let them flow, comforted only by James’s hand stroking her hair.
When Lily lifted her head up, James and Harry were gone and the kitchen was clean. She knew not how long she laid on the table, but she dried her tears and picked up the obituary to really read it.
So Petunia actually put my name in the obituary…I thought for sure she wouldn’t mention me…it was probably just to make dad feel better.
She had lung cancer…how long did she have it? Did she suffer? Why wasn’t I there to help her or comfort her?
Guilt flooded through her and she felt terrible. I wasn’t there when my mother was sick. I didn’t even know she was sick. I didn’t get to say good-bye…
She cried again, harder than last time, because both grief and anger fueled the tears this time.
But through it all, I small voice in her head told her, It’s not my fault. I didn’t choose to stay locked in this house every day. It’s not my fault we’re being hunted by You-Know-Who!
Suddenly no more tears came. The anger and guilt now mixed with fear and determination, and she just couldn’t cry anymore…
She stood up and walked into the sitting room. James sat on the sofa, reading the Daily Prophet. He looked up when Lily walked in.
–Lily…are you okay?â€
She didn’t respond, just sat down next to him and laid her head on his shoulder.
–I’m going to the funeral tomorrow morning,†she said. She was surprised at how calm her voice was.
–Are you sure?†James asked slowly. –Dumbledore doesn’t want us to leave the house for anything.â€
–I’m sure Dumbledore would understand that my mother died. He knows how that feels. You know how that feels.â€
He didn’t respond for a while.
–Dumbledore has my Invisibility Cloak, otherwise I’d let you use it.â€
–I can use a Disillusionment Charm. Or I could use Bathilda’s cloak. I’m pretty sure she has one.â€
Silence.
–Where’s Harry?†Lily asked.
–Asleep in his room.â€
She lifted her head up, kissed James, and stood up. He held onto her hand until she walked out of reach and up the steps.
At the top the steps, Lily sat down tiredly on the window seat and looked out the window. Godric’s Hollow basked peacefully in the sunshine of an ordinary spring afternoon. A couple strolled down Bowman Boulevard, hand in hand. A plump man in dirty robes tended to the garden next to the cemetery. If Lily looked far enough she could even see a small Muggle village, with Muggle children playing in their yard…
Lily sighed and felt tears rush back to her eyes as a mixture of thoughts and memories swam through her mind…
She thought of all the afternoons she spent playing carelessly in her backyard with Petunia, before they knew she was a witch, and when both of her parents were alive. How she almost wished she could go back to those days…
She remembered the days not too long ago when she was allowed to socialize with friends and meet new people, not confined by a Fidelius Charm…
And she worried about Harry. Would this be his life, never being allowed to leave this house? Would he be able to go to Hogwarts and have friends and play outside? What about You-Know-Who…
Lily burst into Harry’s bedroom, half fearing that he would be missing or dead. But there he was, safe and sound, napping in his crib. His mother silently walked over to the crib and looked down on her sleeping son. She gently picked him up, not wanting to wake him up, and took him into her and James’ bedroom.
She laid down on the bed with her son, looking at him sleeping, stroking his hair. Not even a year old and he had black, untidy hair just like his father…
Lily cried herself to sleep next to her beloved son.
* * *
She awoke to someone grabbing at her nose.
In a start Lily sat up quickly, breathing heavily, grabbing for her wand…when she realized it was just Harry playing with his mummy. She smiled and kissed her son in relief.
–Lily! Tea,†James called from downstairs. Straightening herself up, she carried Harry downstairs into the kitchen. The tea pot was filling up their mugs as James prepared Harry’s bottle. Dumbledore sat at the table, pouring honey into his mug and looking pensively at Lily.
–Good afternoon, Lily,†he said, nodding his head and smiling. –Or, rather, I suppose it is not all too good of an afternoon for you.â€
Lily smiled and set Harry in his highchair. She sat down, tapped her spoon with her wand, and watched the spoon swirl the tea around in her mug.
–Why hello there, Harry,†Dumbledore exclaimed. –And how are you today?â€
Harry laughed and clapped his hands.
–Just what I thought!â€
Dumbledore waved his wand and conjured hippogriffs of smoke which flew around Harry. He grabbed at them and laughed harder. James and Lily laughed too.
Once the smoke had disappeared and their laughter died down, Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked across the table at Lily.
–My deepest condolences go to you and your family,†he said. –I too know how it feels to lose a mother…you never quite feel the same again.â€
He looked off into the distance before remembering where he was.
–James tells me you plan to attend the funeral tomorrow,†Dumbledore said casually, pouring cream out of his wand and into his tea.
Lily simply nodded as she watched the spoon swirl the tea round and round.
–I understand your want and need to go,†their Headmaster continued, –but you must remember that you are still in hiding. It is risk enough that you are wandering outside of the Fidelius Charm, but we do not know whom Lord Voldemort has on his side. No matter how much you may want to speak to your sister or father or friends or family, you must remain unseen. For yours and everyone else’s safety.â€
Lily nodded again but fought back the tears welling in her eyes.
–At the time, I feel that you will need this more than I,†Dumbledore said, and pulled James’s Invisibility Cloak out from under his robes. He set it on the table and pushed it towards Lily. He noticed James make a small gesture towards the Cloak and stare at it as it sat on the table.
–I know how much you treasure that Cloak, James,†Dumbledore said wisely. –But I am not quite done examining it yet.â€
James also nodded silently.
After a moment of silence, Dumbledore drained his cup loudly and stood up.
–Since I see none of us are feeling particularly talkative today, I shall be on my way. Best wishes to the both of you, and I shall stop by again soon.â€
He patted Lily on the shoulder as he walked out of the room. They remained still and quiet until Harry, bored, grabbed his father’s wand and threw it against the wall, causing a shower of purple sparks to fill the kitchen.
* * *
Lily stood in front of her mirror dressed in a long, black dress. Even though she was not going to be seen, she still felt she should dress for the occasion. She fingered the gold necklace around her neck: a small –L†pendant her parents gave her the day she first went to Hogwarts.
The bells of the church distantly signaled that it was quarter to ten. Lily sighed, grabbed the Invisibility Cloak, and walked downstairs.
James sat on the couch, watching Harry playing with Toby, their cat. James stood up and silently walked with Lily through the house to the backdoor.
He opened the door. It was a cloudy morning, a bit chilly and a bit wet. They looked around the backyard. Neither of them had set foot outside since they moved in. No flowers bloomed in the flowerbeds that lined the low stone wall at the edge of the yard.
Mum would die if she saw the state of this yard, Lily thought, almost with a smile…then she realized what she had just thought, and again it donned on her that her mother was dead.
She looked away from the deserted flowerbeds to avoid more tears. The old, rusty swing set caught her attention. One of the swings moved soundlessly back and forth in the breeze. Lily again felt a sinking feeling as she told herself Harry might never get to play in this backyard…
She couldn’t take it anymore. She turned to James and hugged him tight. He hugged her back, taking in the smell of her hair he had become so accustomed to.
They kissed and stared in each other’s eyes.
–I love you,†Lily said in a shaky voice. James smiled.
–I love you too. See you in two hours.â€
Lily nodded and looked again out the screen door. James watched with a bit of shock as he saw his wife unfold the Cloak, throw it over her shoulders, and disappear.
The screen door seemed to open and close by itself. After hearing a soft whooshing sound, he closed the door, wiped a tear, and went back to his son, who was gently pushing Toby towards the fireplace.
* * *
Lily clutched the Cloak tightly around her as she Apparated in the center of a small shopping centre. It was raining lightly now, but the Cloak kept her dry.
Looking around, Lily took in her surroundings and actually smiled. She remembered the small, quaint shops of the Muggle neighborhood from her childhood. Johnson’s Bakery, Mrs. Avery’s Boutique, and Harrison’s Bookshop still remained from all those years ago.
Walking down the street, she felt so nostalgic. Most, if not all, of the small, square houses lining Victoria Place had been there when she was a child. And there, just up ahead, was her parent’s house.
It too looked just as she remembered it. Everything from the lilac curtains in the front windows to the willow with its graceful leaves and the carefully-weeded yard. Lily imagined they must have hired a gardener, there was no way her mother could have kept that up…
Lily longed to go inside and see her old bedroom, but she knew that was impossible. It was nearly 10:00 and performing any magic now would be foolish, let alone illegal.
Five minutes later she arrived at the church she and her family occasionally attended in her childhood. The service had already begun.
The congregation was small and seated in the front of the church. She noticed several elderly couples who were friends and neighbors of her parents. She was surprised to see her elderly Aunt Winifred, her godmother, who had always been so generous to Lily and Petunia. There were also some stuffy, professional-looking people whom she imagined were Petunia’s coworkers.
There was Petunia herself, in the front pew, looking stern and unemotional. Next to her was her large husband, Vernon, also looking inexpressive. On Petunia’s other side was Lily’s father. He was thin, hunched over, wearing his old gray suit. Lily could tell, even in the back, that he was holding back tears.
The minister stood in front of the altar, talking. Lily saw, at last, her mother’s open casket at the front of the church. She couldn’t resist, she had to see her up close…
Lily slowly and silently crept up the side of the church. She was focused only on her mother, though she did catch bits of the minister’s sermon about Marie: –polite,†–hard-working,†–stubborn,†and –a loving and caring mother.â€
Now at the front of the church, Lily could see her mother’s body up close. She really did look like she was just sleeping. She still had her red hair, just like Lily’s, though with some gray streaks. She was wearing her favorite purple blouse, glittering ruby necklace, and reading glasses. Her knotted, yet strong, hands were folded over her stomach and her small diamond wedding ring glistened in the flickering light from the candles.
Lily stood at the head of the casket, staring at her mother and carelessly letting the tears fall from her eyes. She reached up to stroke her mother’s hair but realized that the Invisibility Cloak was in the way. A fleeting temptation to throw the Cloak off and just cry at her mother’s side seized her, but she realized it was impossible. She just stood there and cried.
Not thinking, she sniffled and sighed rather loudly. Fear filled her for a moment as she saw Petunia’s eyes dart away from the minister towards where Lily stood. Lily held her breath and looked Petunia straight in the eye. Petunia seemed to almost drop her hard front, but gathered herself in and went back to watching the minister.
Lily silently crept back into a corner and watched the rest of the service. As it ended, the pallbearers stood up, closed the casket, and carried it to the back of the church. As the organ played, all of the women (except Petunia) began to cry, and filed to the back of the church. Petunia helped their father stand up and he grasped her arm as they walked down the aisle.
The rain had picked up. Everybody put up their umbrellas as the pallbearers loaded Marie into the hearse. As the hearse drove away and everybody headed towards their cars, Petunia indicated for Vernon to help Harold to the car. Petunia walked back to the front of the church and chatted with the minister. Lily observed her; her long black coat was littered with raindrops, as was her carefully-styled blonde hair. Lily heard her thank the minister and he left the church.
Petunia stood there and looked all around the church. She walked near where Lily stood and continued to look around, her large eyes beady and, Lily was sad to see, filled with fear. Apparently satisfied, Petunia headed towards the doors.
In that moment Lily didn’t care what Dumbledore said or thought; she pulled the cloak off and took a deep breath.
–Petunia,†Lily said loudly.
Petunia stopped and slowly turned around. When she saw Lily her eyes widened and she stood taller.
–Nice of you to show up,†Petunia said curtly.
–What’s that supposed to mean,†Lily asked, walking towards Petunia, trying not to sound angry.
–Oh, you know exactly what I mean…don’t hear a word from you for months…all you’re worried about are your silly little potions…well I’m glad you can take time out of your magical life to see your dead mother…â€
–Petunia, you don’t understand,†Lily began, but her sister bitterly cut her off. She walked swiftly up to Lily and pointed her finger in her face.
–Don’t tell me I don’t understand! You don’t understand what it’s like to watch your mother die and know that there’s nothing you can do about it! You don’t know what it’s like to have to try and tell dad that he’ll be all right and everything will be fine when you know yourself that it damn well won’t be! I don’t understand, whatever, Lily…â€
Petunia had tears in her eyes now and looked furious. Something snapped inside of Lily…all the anger she pent up towards her jealous sister was ready to come out.
–And you don’t understand what it’s like to be hunted by a serial killer! To be confined to your house day after day after day, fearing for your life and your husband’s and your son’s! I may not have watched mum die, but I watched four of my friends die! Four! And I’ve watched them die knowing I could have saved them and I wasn’t able to! So don’t tell me that I don’t understand!â€
Neither of them spoke as they took each other in, breathing heavily, wishing the other could feel the pain, anger, and sadness that they felt.
Lily was the first to break the silence.
–Petunia…look…we obviously have our differences…but we’re sisters, let’s not fight, please.â€
Petunia did not change her expression, just stared at Lily.
–I love mum and dad just as much as you do, and I would have given anything to say good-bye to mum…but I didn’t know, and I couldn’t know. It’s so complicated, Petunia, and someday I’ll be able to explain it all to you, I promise.â€
She still had no change in expression.
–Tuney, please, just…say something!â€
Petunia continued to just stare at Lily, her eyes narrowed, as if she was examining Lily.
–You should know that dad isn’t doing well. He has a bad back and bad legs. Now that mum died he has a bad heart, and it won’t be long before he’s gone, too. So now you know. Dad. Is. Dying. And when he does, don’t say that nobody informed you.â€
She turned around to walk out of the church. Lily followed her.
–Petunia, that’s not the point…â€
–Yes it is, Lily!â€
She whipped back around.
–Ever since you went off to that school you were never the same! You had your magic friends and your magic school and your magic world. And you were too good for us little…what do you call us? Muggles? Well that’s fine with me. We get along just fine without you. Don’t come back. We don’t want to see you again.â€
Tears had reappeared in Lily’s eyes.
–Petunia, no, please…â€
–Do you know what mum’s last words were? They were, ‘Where’s Lily? Where’s Lily?’ Are you happy that I wasn’t good enough for mum as she died? That you had to be there? So I hope that you’re happy. You’ve managed to mess up my life even more. Good-bye, Lily. Good luck with your life.â€
With that, Petunia walked out of the church without looking back.
Lily sunk down into a pew and cried. She wished more than ever that they were kids again, and that mum would walk in and tell them to be nice to each other.
* * *
The sun hung low in the west, biding its time before it set. It was a cool spring evening; the clouds from earlier in the day had parted enough to let the sun through, tinting the clouds red and pink.
Lily sat on the rusted swing set, admiring the beauty of the evening sky. James had asked her to come inside many times, but she declined, and James had, thankfully, left her alone.
Dumbledore, in his sweeping dark blue robes, came through the back door. He spotted Lily on the swing set and walked towards her, smiling.
Somewhat surprised, Lily stood up.
–Please, Lily, sat back down,†Dumbledore said softly. She sat back down on the swing. Dumbledore examined the other swing before sitting down on it. The seat sank down under his weight and his feet dragged in the dirt as he tried to swing back and forth. Lily couldn’t help but laugh at the image.
–I’m glad I could inspire some humor in you,†Dumbledore chuckled, still swinging back and forth. –James mentioned that you had a bit of a fight with your sister.â€
Lily’s smile faded as she remembered that morning.
–Yes,†she said.
–Now I trust that you know that it was extremely foolish to reveal yourself. I understand the emotions that caused you to, but you could have endangered yourself and your family. And that’s all I will say on that subject.
–Also, Lily, I know all about sibling rivalries. My brother Aberforth and I have had a great deal of trouble with each other throughout our lives. Very bad things have occurred between us…but despite it, we knew that we were still brothers. And we did still care for each other and were there for each other.â€
He looked at Lily, and for the first time she saw the sadness in his face and how aged he was.
–Your sister may dislike you now. She may even believe that she hates you. But you should know that she does not. No matter how many times she says it or thinks about it, she does not hate you. You two are sisters, and there is a special bond between you two. She will be there for you when you need her. Trust me.â€
Lily looked down and drew a figure eight in the dirt with her toes.
–Are you sure?â€
–Yes.â€
Lily didn’t look up. She heard Dumbledore stand up.
–You know, you’ll want to keep this swing set in good condition. Harry will enjoy playing on it someday.â€
Lily finally looked up and smiled at Dumbledore. He extended a hand and helped her up.
–Thank you, professor.â€
They walked back towards the house together.
–Someday, this will all be over,†Dumbledore said. –No more hiding or living in fear.â€
Lily smiled again.
–Are you sure?â€
Dumbledore held the door open for her.
–Yes,†he said, smiling at her.
She entered the house and Dumbledore followed. He looked out the screen door at the setting sun and reddening sky. His smile faded into a frown. He slowly closed the door as a single tear ran down his cheek.