The boats have dropped the seventh-years at the landing in Hogwarts tradition, and you slowly begin the short walk from the lake back up to the road. You cannot help but watch her, walking not far in front of you, her auburn hair blazing in the light of the summer sun as she laughs with her friends. A warm June breeze caresses the crowd as everyone makes their way toward the station for the train ride home.
Her back is straight, her head held high, but you cannot help but slump as you walk, dragging further and further behind as your dejection becomes a tangible weight, holding you back from taking each new reluctant step toward a future that is now much more uncertain than it had been mere hours ago. Then, you had been confident that leaving Hogwarts would see you spending the rest of your life with the girl you loved; now, nothing is certain, only that you are walking alone toward your destiny, instead of by her side.
* * *
"Good morning, sunshine," he murmured, coming up behind her to kiss her neck. She turned and smiled at him, pulling him down to the bench next to her.
"There you are, James!" she exclaimed. "Where have you been? It's our last breakfast at Hogwarts and you're late."
He laughed as he began to pile up his plate, intent on enjoying the Leaving Feast, seeing as it was finally their turn to leave. He knew he should be feeling nostalgic or sentimental--even sad--but he only felt giddy and excited. It was time to move on, time to grow up--time to plan the future, starting with the girl beside him.
"Sorry, Lily," he managed through a mouthful. "I was packing. And then Sirius wanted to take the long way down…" He trailed off as Sirius threw him an exasperated look.
"Forgive me for feeling reflective this morning, Prongs," he said, affecting a prim and proper tone they all knew was false. "I simply wanted to make sure all my contributions to castle lore were in place."
"Castle lore?" asked Lily. Sirius winked.
"Of course," he replied. "We've left our mark here, and I just wanted to make sure it was permanent."
Lily laughed; James rolled his eyes, not bothering to respond.
"Forget it," Remus told her, shaking his head. "You really don't want to know."
They laughed some more and continued their breakfast, unable to resist reminiscing on their seven years at Hogwarts. Sirius was excited to be moving on, ready to be done with the mundane life of a student and get out into the real world, ready to fight the darkness that was slowly beginning to take hold even at Hogwarts. Remus was more reluctant to leave, given how much he'd be losing each month and how hard it would be for him on the outside as a registered adult werewolf. Peter seemed anxious about the future, as if the war already weighed heavily on him.
James was with Sirius. He had never been more certain of anything in his life: he was ready. He would fight and they would win, and he would marry Lily Evans and live a long, happy life with her. In fact, he was fit to burst as he finished eating as fast as he could, then leaned toward her, eager to get her alone.
"Want to go for a walk?" he murmured. "Just a quick turn around the lake before we leave?"
"I'd love to," she replied. He stood and took her hand and ignored the others calling after them as they left the Great Hall for the last time, together…
Remus and Peter are also walking ahead of you, talking with several other Gryffindors. You know you should be with them, enjoying these last times together, but you are not interested in final farewells. You just want to be alone. Yet Sirius comes up behind you, silent at first, then leaning closer so no one will hear, lending a comforting presence even though you don't really want it.
"You all right, Prongs?" he asks softly.
You shrug, swallowing hard as the lump in your throat keeps you from answering. You continue in silence up the short path to the station, where hundreds of students are saying goodbye, eager for their summer holiday, but knowing they will be back in two months. Only the seventh-years linger in their embraces and wipe away tears, knowing this is their final goodbye. Some of them won't ever see one another again, as they return to their families to start new, adult lives, with jobs and training and even more schooling.
You will be fighting. You have always known you would, but now you have nothing else to think about, nothing else to hold you back--nothing else to lose. You will join the Order with Sirius, and together you will wreak havoc on Voldemort's forces. At least then, your classmates might live to return in September; at least then she might be safe--totally, completely safe--one day.
It just won't be with you.
* * *
"I'm going to miss this place," said Lily. "The castle, the lake, this field."
They were on the far side of the black lake, where a field of Scottish wildflowers rose every spring. It was past the greenhouses, flowing into the Forbidden Forest, where the eaves of the trees provided just enough shade for hundreds of yellow poppies, blooming happily in the midmorning sun. Though they had not been together for long, somehow they had managed find the small field and make it their own in only a few short months. It was their private retreat from the reality and responsibility of seventh year.
"It's a nice place," James murmured, glancing around and remembering the times they had spent there together.
"I'll miss it," Lily repeated, sounding wistful. She took his hand and led him toward a large tree on the edge of the forest, where the ground was soft and covered with moss, and they often sat together, gazing across the grounds, surrounded by flowers and the sounds of the forest behind them. "I'll miss a lot of things about Hogwarts."
"Me too," James replied, watching the Whomping Willow in the distance as its branches waved in the breeze. So many memories, yet it was time to make new ones now: time to start a new life.
As they walked through the field toward the large oak, James picked a fistful of flowers. He did not bother to hide what he was doing, and Lily rolled her eyes affectionately as they sat together on the moss. He placed the flowers behind his back, however, clumsily tying a red ribbon he had prepared for the occasion around the stems. When he finally held the makeshift bouquet out to her, she smiled…then gasped at the ring that was tied tight to the ribbon.
"What's this?" she whispered, fingering it delicately, as if afraid to touch it.
"It's a ring," James took it gently, untying it before holding it out to her. "But it's also a symbol of how much I love you, and a question I'd like to ask before we leave."
Lily shook her head, her hands at her mouth. "James, no…don't…"
He didn't hear the warning in her voice, the clear catch that told him he might be making the biggest mistake of his life. Instead, he held it out to her, hoping his earnest sincerity would erase any doubts she might have.
"Lily, I know we're young. I know it's early." He took a deep breath. "But I also know that I love you and you love me and that we were meant to be together."
"James, I love you too, but--"
He stopped her with a finger to her lips. "I know it's crazy, but it's a crazy world right now. Things are bad out there, and I don't want to lose you before it's too late. Until I've had a chance to really be with you, for however long we'll have." He stopped and took her hand and with shaking fingers held out the ring once more. "Lily, will you marry me?"
She didn't answer, not right away. She kissed him, but something was different. And when she pulled back and James saw the look in her eyes, he knew what she would say…
You watch the last of the students board the train, Sirius still by your side. She turns and smiles sadly at you, but you glance away, too heartbroken to meet her eyes. You touch the ring in you pocket, a bleak reminder of her answer and the future you no longer look forward to.
"What will you do?" Sirius murmurs, gazing after her as well. "Is it--"
"Over?" You laugh bitterly. "Oh, yes. Relationships like ours don't tend to survive answers like that."
Sirius turns and puts his arm on your shoulder. "I don't believe that," he says. "Relationships like yours are different. They're forever."
You want to believe him as you board the train. You want to believe you'll have another chance. You want to believe that the poppy field wasn't the last time you'll ever kiss her.
But as the train pulls away and the castle slowly recedes into the distance, the memory of her words beneath the tree pierces your heart once more.
* * *
"I'm sorry."