Finishing my story, I looked around Lily’s flat. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, to tell her what I had done.
–I didn’t even see you there,†Lily said, her brow creased. –I was wondering where you were. What happened next?â€
–When I got back to the flat, he was there. We … we had a huge fight,†I said, looking into my empty mug. –I tried to explain, but I really messed up, Lily. He’s gone,†I managed to get out through the tears I was choking back. –I’m sorry.â€
–Oh, Scorpius,†Lily sighed, and I felt her arms wrap around me. The next time she spoke, her voice was little more than a whisper. –Do you think he’ll still go to work on Monday? At James’s?â€
–I don’t know, Lily. I honestly don’t. He might think that I haven’t told you and think it’ll still be fine. On the other hand …†I trailed off, and Lily’s face paled. –I’m sorry.â€
She just shook her head. –He wasn’t ready. You said it yourself. It wasn’t meant to be this time. He’ll come back eventually,†Lily said, but by the end, I was sure she wasn’t even convincing herself. –Right?†A tear. –Right?†Three tears. –He has to come back eventually….†Now, Lily was really sobbing.
Murmuring meaningless words, I rubbed circles on her back, trying to calm her down. After a while, Louis came out of the bedroom.
–What happened?†he asked immediately, rushing over. I couldn’t face him, too.
–I should go,†I muttered, and Louis quickly took my place. Biting back another round of tears, I quietly apparated back to my flat. Despite knowing I was only deluding myself, I couldn’t help but hope that, somehow, Albus was there.
Like I said, I was only deluding myself.
I wanted so badly just to apologize, to explain. I was desperate; I still was, but, God, I had hoped that he was just nervous and was overthinking going back. He was so much better; he was happy. I knew he could handle it all again. I knew it. And I needed to be able to tell Mum.
Why couldn’t he understand that? She was dying. I didn’t understand; she wouldn’t tell anyone, and I needed her to know. Why was he acting like this? It wouldn’t affect him in any way. Of course I would make sure no Healers were listening, and no one would know. Didn’t he understand that it was something I needed to do?
As the hours passed, with nothing for company but my beer bottle, I realized just how badly I had seriously screwed this up. My first mistake: going behind Albus’s back. He hated liars. My second: trying to force him to go back. If you told him to do something in that way, Albus generally went and did the opposite. And, last but not least, my third and worst mistake: letting him walk away.
What the hell had I been thinking? Not only had I managed to offend Al in virtually every way possible, I also managed to chase away the only thing that made this slightly bearable. No, both. I lost him, yes, but I also lost Lily.
She would never forgive me. Honestly, I would never forgive me. This was definitely my biggest screw up to date. The only thing that could make this better would be telling Dad I was gay, or …
No. Mum wasn’t going to die. She just couldn’t. There was going to be some miracle; a Healer would contact me any minute to tell me she had miraculously beat the disease. Fungus.
But no such news came. Saturday came and went, with just me and my beer. My beer and I, a snide little voice reminded me. As you expected, I promptly told the voice to shut it. Of course it didn’t listen. It kept on reminding me about how I should be spending this time with my mother, not sulking at home, and how I had gone to a ruddy play instead of being with her. I couldn’t bring myself to get up, though, and see her. I had no idea why, but I felt horrible.
I kept vigil, never leaving the sofa unless to get another beer. No word from the Healers, and no word from Al. I vaguely remembered screaming at the fireplace that I was sorry, and that I loved Albus, before I slipped into blissful unconsciousness.
When I woke, the small clock said that it was 1:43 p.m. There was a face in the fireplace. No, it wasn’t Albus.
–Scorpius?†the head asked, who turned out to be Aunt Daphne. I ignored the pounding headache and the fact that the fireplace was too bright, and nodded. –You need to get to St. Mungo’s. Now.†Her voice was frantic, and I just nodded numbly. –On second thought, you might want to change first.†I immediately regretted the thought that ran through my head.
Well, this was the icing on the cake.
–Dad?†I asked, as I rushed into Mum’s room. He looked up. –You’re here?†I would love to say that my voice was bitter and hard, but it was more of a croak.
–Hello, Scorpius,†he greeted, his eyes tired. I wondered when the last time he slept was. It looked like it had been for a few days, at least.
–How is Mum?†I asked Aunt Daphne. I was going to ignore Dad; yes, this was shitty for him, but it was the worst for Mum. My stomach was plotting a mutiny while my head was splitting into two.
–Not good,†she admitted, biting her lip. I saw her eyes were wet. –They said … they said …†But then Aunt Daphne broke down.
–Your mother is dying, Scorpius,†Dad explained, not looking up. His hand was clutching hers, but my mother’s was limp and lifeless. Her eyes were closed.
I tried to act like I didn’t know this from before. –No,†I said, shaking my head. There were no tears threatening to spill out; in fact, I didn’t feel a thing. –She can’t be.†I started to back out of the room, but Dad just nodded sadly.
–She is,†he said, and yet I shook my head. –You need to accept it. She won’t be in pain, Scorpius. She’ll be in a much better place.â€
–Like you can talk about accepting it?†I shot back bitterly. –You didn’t go and see her for months.â€
–I know it was wrong, Scorpius-– he started to explain, his voice patronizing.
–Yes, it was. She needed you; she was counting on you. And you just hid in your little study and let her suffer,†I told him, my voice made of acid and ice. –You shouldn’t have left her alone like that. I don’t care what you were feeling; it wasn’t about you. It was about Mum.â€
–Scorpius, take a walk,†Dad ordered, and I let out a breath. The rage was slowly fading away, and was replaced with more regret. But I wasn’t going to leave her. I wasn’t going to leave Mum.
–No,†I said. –I’m not leaving Mum.â€
–Scorpius, I know you. You need to calm down,†he said with deliberate evenness, now standing up and facing me. I was taller than him, just. But when I heard his cold, emotionless voice, something snapped. This wasn’t anger anymore. It was too strong.
–You don’t know me,†I all but snarled, and he took an involuntary step back. He recovered quickly, though.
–Yes, I do,†he replied, his voice still deathly quiet.
–No, you don’t. I’ll take the ruddy walk,†I told him, and walked out of the room. When I was at the door, though, I turned around for a split second. –Oh, and by the way, I have a boyfriend.†Taking one satisfying look at my father’s shocked face, I stormed out.
I could feel whatever had made me so damn angry back there leave, and I felt worse than ever. I hadn’t meant to tell him that I was gay, and I didn’t even have a boyfriend anymore. It was an accident; I hadn’t meant to yell at him, either, or to completely lose it in general. So by the time I realized that I was still walking, I had no idea where I was.
Seriously, they needed to put some maps in this place. It was a labyrinth. A white, overly-sanitized maze. Anyway, I was lost. So, instead of doing the normal, sane thing (like asking a Healer), sunk down into a pathetic crouch against the wall.
–Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,†I muttered, putting my head in my heads.
–Excuse me, sir, but you can’t sit there,†a female voice said, and I saw the green scrubs of a Healer. I would recognize that voice anywhere. Of course, everything was biting me in the arse, so she would be the one to find me. –Scorpius?†Now, the voice was stunned. I looked up.
–Hi, Rose,†I greeted weakly. I could visibly see the shock on her face. I could imagine why; I hadn’t seen her out of the occasional Weasley-Potter family event I went to since Hogwarts. For good reason.
–What are you doing here?†she asked, struggling to regain her composure.
–Here, as in, in …†I started to trail off.
–Spell Damage,†Rose supplied immediately.
–All right, then. Here as in Spell Damage or here as in St. Mungo’s?†I asked, and Rose chuckled.
–I guess either,†she said quietly. I was taken off guard. Why wasn’t she screaming at me? Granted, I was glad, because my head was still throbbing, but after sixth year, she had stayed the hell away. I would have, too.
–Why I’m in Spell Damage, I have no clue. Why I’m in St. Mungo’s? It’s personal,†I responded mechanically.
–Well, where do you need to go?†she asked, biting her lip. I knew she was trying to think of a way to release the tension.
–Erm, Magical Bugs and Diseases,†I said, and Rose’s face lit up.
–I’m going there myself. Can I walk you up?†she offered, and I forced a smile.
–That would be great,†I said, and I stood up. We walked in an awkward silence. Rose and Albus had drifted apart at Hogwarts. Al had always said she had joined ‘the army of pink’, but she was different now. Less make-up. Eventually, after a million corridors and one awkward elevator ride, I recognized where I was.
–Thanks,†I said, and she smiled sadly.
–No problem,†she replied quickly, and I turned to walk away. –Wait,†she said. I turned around, confused. –I know this is really stupid, but … I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.â€
–Me, too, Rose,†I said, and I really meant it. She had no idea what I was apologizing for. –You’re an amazing girl. Let me know when the right bloke realizes it.†Rose smiled slightly, looking down.
During sixth year, she had thought that boy was me. I had thought I loved her, but, well, I then discovered that it didn’t feel quite right. Our split was messy, full of curses and screaming. I didn’t think Hugo Weasley would ever forgive me for treating his sister so badly.
–See you, Scorpius,†Rose said, smiling, and I walked back to the room. When I entered, Dad immediately stood up.
–I’m sorry,†I blurted out, and I was surprised to hear that he said the same thing. I felt a slight sting on the back of my head; it was Aunt Daphne. She had slapped us both upside the head. After that, we all just sat there in silence. Dad clutched Mum’s hand, and I lost myself in memories. After about fifteen minutes, Dad tore his eyes from Mum to look at me.
–Was … was what you said true?†he asked, his voice a hoarse whisper. I felt my breath leave me. I had forgotten that I had told him.
–Yeah,†I replied, my voice cracking. Dad just nodded, but it was a better reaction that what I had hoped for.
–We’ll talk about this later. It isn’t the right time,†he replied, and it was my turn to nod. And then we resumed our vigil. It lasted for a few hours, and Dad refused to leave Mum’s side. His sudden loyalty astounded me, but I couldn’t bring myself to be mad at him.
So, when I realized that Dad wasn’t going to leave, even to eat, I knew I would have to bring food to him. Which was why I ended up in the cafeteria, facing yet another person I had hurt. Guilt resumed his chokehold on me, and our last encounter flooded my brain.
–Lily?†I asked, my voice a hoarse whisper. I could see even from behind her that her hands were curled around a mug. When I rushed over, I saw that there were tears in her eyes. –Lily, what happened? Is it Louis?†Lily just shook her head.
–No. It’s not any of them,†she replied, her voice almost nonexistent.
–Who is it?†I asked urgently.
–I … I finally found Albus,†she said. I couldn’t help but widen my eyes. –After he almost died.†Her voice was as cold as ice.
–What?†I asked. Any breath I had was gone. –No.†What had happened? How did this happen?
–Just go, Scorpius. You’ve messed with his life enough. He doesn’t need to deal with what happened on top of this,†she said, and I just nodded numbly. –But what are you doing here, anyway?â€
–My mum’s dying,†I said, before turning around and walking away. Now, the tears spilt over. What if he had died? I would never have been able to apologize, to try to explain what had happened. I loved him; he knew that, didn’t he? But love couldn’t fix everything. It didn’t fix Mum or Dad. It couldn’t undo what I had done.
I had truly lost him. And I had lost Lily. Even after what the Healers told me, in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but wish for a miracle for Mum. If I lost her, I had no idea what I’d do. When I got back to Mum’s ward, however, I knew that, even if I had actually got food, he wouldn’t have eaten it. It was too close to the end. We all knew it, though we tried to deny it inside.
Slowly, my Mum’s breaths became slower and slower, and the monitor that measured her heartbeat beeped slower as well. I prayed and prayed that somehow the rate would suddenly speed up, that she would be fine, but I heard the monitor stop.
It didn’t register what that meant with me for a minute. My mother’s death was that simple, that quiet? Then, it hit me. My mother was dead.
I heard Dad start to sob, but that seemed like a million miles away. I buried my head in my hands, not even trying to choke back the tears. There was nothing left.