I was numb.
I had no idea of time passing; I just knew it must have been a while. I went to work, ate, and slept, but other than that, I had no idea what else. Dad came over a bit, tried to talk about Mum and stuff. I mostly shrugged it off, not really talking. I couldn’t bring myself to do much else. Ever since Mum’s funeral, I hadn’t felt like doing much of anything. I had taken a short compassionate leave, but I had to go back. I just couldn’t afford not to work.
The papers had heralded the return of Harry Potter’s middle child, and he was back to working as an Unspeakable. His hair was neatly trimmed, and he now had smart-looking glasses, too. He looked as if he hadn’t a care in the world. I had passed him in the Ministry a few times, mostly in a lift, but it felt as if there was an ocean between us. And each time, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I didn’t say or do anything; I just let him go on with his life. I could feel the coldness of his gaze as I tried not to look at him. It made my breath disappear every time.
Lily still hadn’t spoken to me. I didn’t expect her to, but I missed her all the same. I missed how she would be some bloody optimistic, and her ability to make everything just seem … easier to bear. Now, there was nothing to do, no one to talk to. I was surrounded by what I knew was grief for my mother, and it was crushing me.
It was becoming harder and harder just to do the little things. I had to constantly remind myself: eat, Scorpius, now shower, now sleep, now go to work. People were starting to notice. Odd looks from coworkers, the constant feeling that people were staring at me. To be honest, I was this close to standing on my desk and screaming for people to mind their own bloody business.
–Malfoy, can I see you for a minute?†My head snapped up. It was the head of the department, Keane. Rubbing my eyes, which were blurring from staring at the report, I just nodded. Of course, everyone stared as we walked through the row of cubicles. I tried my best not to just snap and yell, but I kept my composure. When we reached his office, he gestured to the chair. I sat down, looking at the wood of his desk.
–Is something the matter, sir?†I asked, and Mr. Keane shook his head.
–It’s just that you seem a little … off, lately. Are you all right?†he asked, and I was confused. He was calling me into his office because he was worried about me? Mr. Keane was one of the most laid-back heads in the Ministry, yes, but I didn’t think he generally did something like this. There was the time where Maria was pregnant, but that was a different case.
–I’m fine,†I responded, after clearing my throat to disguise my slight chuckle. For some unknown reason, I found that really hilarious. I hadn’t laughed in ages, but not I was trying to not crack up.
–Are you sure? After you returned from compassionate leave, your work has been a little … less thorough lately as well. I know it’s a rough patch, and if you need to take some time off to collect your head, that’s okay,†Mr. Keane said, and I fought back a bitter laugh. Of course. This was going to be pity. I was done with pity. In all honesty, I didn’t deserve it. Dad, maybe, and definitely Mum, but not me.
–I’ll work harder, sir. And I’m fine. I have to get back to my report,†I said quickly before walking out of the office. For the rest of the day, I buried myself in my work, making sure to include every last detail. No one talked to me, not even Betsy from the cubicle next door, and for that, I was extremely grateful.
At the end of the day, I didn’t bother saying goodbye. I just stalked down to the fireplaces, and I was turning the corner when someone knocked into me. A million papers went flying and I found myself flat on my arse.
–Sorry, sorry,†I muttered, hastily trying to help whoever it was that I had ran into. When I had picked the ones that he hadn’t, I handed them to him, and then I saw who it was. This day was just getting better and better.
Immediately, I felt my face burn with embarrassment. So I just turned away, muttering one last ‘sorry’. I walked away; just before I entered the fire, however, I glanced back and saw Albus was still standing there. He looked like he wanted to say something, but I just disappeared. We lived in different worlds now. I knew that.
There were so many things I wanted to say, that I should have said, but I just shoved the thoughts down. I couldn’t deal with Albus on top of everything else. So, popping open a beer, I examined my wonderfully barren fridge and pantry. I discovered that I still had a few slices of bread, a knob of butter, and something that I thought was cheese.
Even the gooey sandwich, that usually fixed most things, couldn’t brighten anything slightly. So it was another night of staring at the fire, replaying everything that had gone wrong. I knew I should have gone to the shops, but I couldn’t bring myself to. My eyes found a mirror; I looked like hell. There were deep circles under my eyes, and it looked like I hadn’t combed my hair in days. My shirt was wrinkled and I had forgotten to shave. Again.
No wonder people were worried. If I were them, I would have either wanted to hug me or run away screaming. I had the ‘serial killer’ look going, but it was lessened by the deadness in my eyes. I looked like shit.
Yet I didn’t care. There was nothing left to really care for. I lost Al, I lost Lily, and I lost Mum. They were all I had.
–No,†I growled at myself. Something was different; something had changed. –It’s been a month. You are going to cowboy up. You can’t keep sulking.†So, trying to look somewhat human, I headed out to the only place I knew. The bar.
Because, hell, I’d rather hang out with a couple of a beers than people. People either argued with you, hurt you, or you hurt them. It was a fact of life. And, as far as I knew, the beer wouldn’t argue with me. I sure as hell hoped they wouldn’t. That was how I ended up at the same bar I had met, or, should I say, re-met, Al in. Jack wasn’t there, thank Merlin, and I sat at my stool, nursing my fourth beer.
After a while (I wasn’t sure how long), everything started to seem funny. I thought it was bloody hilarious how Al and I had basically reversed roles. He was the happy one with a perfect family, and I was sitting here drowning myself in beer alone. Feeling happier than I had in a while, I somehow managed to end up back at my flat. Everything was slightly hazy, but hell, that was funny, too.
It was bloody hilarious.
I opened the door, finding that the floor was shifting slightly.
–Hello, there! I’m home!†I called, knowing full well that no one was there. I burst out laughing, going to collapse on the couch, not being able to face the bedroom. There were too many memories. You could imagine my surprise when I found it was already occupied. And that was incredibly funny.
When I opened my eyes, I found I had a smashing headache. Brilliant. Sitting up, I realized I was on the sofa, but I smelt something … good. Someone was cooking. What the hell?
When I sat up, I saw it was Lily. What in the name of Merlin’s pink knickers had happened last night?
–Oh, you’re up,†she said, only adding to my confusion. She hated me. What was she doing here?
–The hell?†I muttered, standing up. I was seriously confused.
–Your flat is disgusting, by the way,†she said, setting two plates of what looked like eggs on the table. Immediately, I bolted to the loo, retching up whatever it was that I had ate last night. When I returned, Lily only raised an eyebrow.
–Serves you right, you know. You were plastered last night,†she said.
–What are you doing here?†I asked, not able to take it any longer. She hated me. Why was she here?
–Well, I heard about your little encounter with Albus yesterday. Seemed to think something was really wrong. I came over to see if it was true, and I found that you weren’t there. When you came back, you were completely wasted. So, naturally, I’m a little worried,†Lily explained dryly.
–Shit,†I muttered, as I remembered most of last night. I believe I had explained exactly what I had been thinking to Lily. I mentally made a pact never to get drunk again.
–I learned a lot, though. You’re a lot more open when you’re drunk,†Lily said, before touching my shoulder. –I’m sorry about your mum, Scorpius. And Al.â€
–Thanks. Are you still mad?†I asked childishly. I couldn’t help it, it just poured out.
–No. A little annoyed, because you went about it the wrong way, but after last night … you scared me, Scorpius. I know I shouldn’t have punished you; you had that covered yourself,†she apologized.
–I’m sorry for royally screwing everything up,†I said. –How are you?â€
–I’m glad to have Al back,†Lily admitted. –Everyone seems a little happier. Albus loves Jace. Almost killed James for making his middle name Al, though.â€
–That’s great,†I said, and I actually meant it. It still hurt.
–He’s sorry, too, Scorpius. And he really wants to talk,†Lily said, taking my hand. I just nodded.
–Does … does your family know?†I asked, my voice a whisper. I would die of embarrassment if they had.
–No,†Lily said hurriedly. –Albus would never do that.†I nodded, before sighing.
–How’s Louis?†I asked, and Lily laughed.
–He’s got another lead,†she said, beaming.
–I would expect him to. He’s brilliant. But not as great as the beautiful costumes,†I told her, and she blushed slightly.
–I have to go, but don’t be a stranger, Scorpius. It’ll get better.†I hugged her, thanking her for everything, and watched her go. Maybe Albus and I weren’t on different ends of the universe after all.
Things started to slowly get better for a while. Well, I didn’t get plastered, and Lily and I were back on speaking terms. I hadn’t seen Albus again, so the pain in my chest was slowly receding. I still missed Mum, but it was starting to get easier. Slowly.
I was sitting in a café, waiting for Lily, who had suddenly told me via my fireplace that morning to meet her here for lunch, when I realized something was off. Lily would be at school. I was about to leave, anticipating a set-up, but it was too late.
–Hey,†Albus said just as I stood up, and I forced a smile. I would murder Lily later. My breath had left my chest. Looking smart in a suit, his hair still unruly, was Albus. Yep. Lily was definitely in for it.
–Hey, Al,†I replied, sitting back down, my stomach already making knots of itself. –Did you know about this, or was it all Lily?â€
–It was my idea, actually. We need to talk,†he said, and I looked down. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but it already felt as if a heavy weight was being lifted off my chest. The past month had been plagued with a million regrets. Now I could fix some of them.
–Yeah,†I said simply, letting out a shaky breath. –I’m sorry,†I blurted out. The rest of my words fell in a tangled mess, as I tried to explain what had been running through my head. At the end, Albus smiled.
–Why couldn’t you have just told me that, instead of going behind my back?†he asked, and I flushed again.
–I don’t know,†I said quietly. –I’m sorry.â€
–I’m sorry, too. I was a bit of a prick, especially the last month,†he said, and his emerald eyes positively shimmered with sincerity.
–You had a right to,†I said. –You probably still hate me.â€
–I’m sorry about your mum, Scorpius,†he said, and I just looked down. My breath was gone again. My stomach was fluttering, and I realized immediately why. It didn’t matter, though. He could never be that way with me again. I had completely destroyed his trust. –Scorpius, look at me.†His voice was commanding, and I did.
–I never hated you. I was hurt, yes, and angry. But, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t hate you. I loved you too much,†Albus’s voice broke, but I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. Albus never said anything like that. –I still do.â€
With that, I felt like my world had shattered. Was there still a hope?
Then, he leaned in. His hand grasped mine, and I looked into his eyes. –I love you, too,†I whispered. Albus let out a deep breath. I didn’t realize I had been holding mine.
I could finally breathe.
Breathe by iLuna17
Chapter Notes: This is the last chapter. It's been an amazing challenge, Jess, in many ways. This story would be nothing if not for the amazing Soraya (xxbabewithbrainsxx), who also (in my head) created the ship known as Loulily. If you want more of them, I recommend you go read some of her stuff. It's excellent. Thanks for reading!