Chapter 4: An Introduction to Fatherhood
Several days went by. With the addition of the house elf Minerva had persuaded to come, as well as Minerva herself, Severus found that there was little for him to do in regards to caring for the child--Zoe. Ollie, as the creature was called, insisted on taking care of everything from feedings to nappy changes to baths, even consoling the child when she cried.
Of course, she also had a rather old-fashioned view of fathers.
–Papas is shouldn’t be worried with baby’s needs. Papas is supposed to earn for their baby’s needs.â€
Severus had been annoyed and somewhat affronted with the house elf’s implication that he should be earning a living (What the bloody hell did she think he was doing? Sitting around idle and unproductive, apparently…) and, though he valued Ollie’s assistance in allowing him to brew in his cellar laboratory and make valuable correspondences for his budding potions business, he had quickly set to laying some ground rules.
–First, you are not to call me Master.â€
–But, Master!â€
–No. None of that,†Severus said firmly. –I am not your Master, nor your employer for that matter. I am grateful for your assistance with the child, but I will not stand for such titles. Severus will suffice.â€
The elf had looked absolutely scandalized at being asked to call him by his given name but had eventually acquiesced and settled for the not-altogether-desirable, but acceptable, ‘Mister’ prefix and Severus had let the issue drop. After all, he knew more than anyone that sometimes old habits took an uncommonly long time to break.
–I also must insist that you take a day away from this household each week,†Severus continued.
–But Mister Severus! What is Miss Zoe to do without her Ollie?â€
Severus frowned. He had thought it would be a nice gesture to allow the elf to return to her work at Hogwarts each week if she so chose and, instead of being elated by his kind-heartedness, Ollie had cared only for the well-being of the child. The fact that he wanted at least one day where he could do for himself was beside the point. Why did everyone feel him so inept at child rearing?
–I can assure you, my child will be more than adequately cared for. You need not worry for her on your off days.â€
Again, Ollie had reluctantly agreed.
Now, Severus wished she had put up more of a struggle.
He had been early to rise that morning, as usual, and it had only occurred to him halfway through his first cup of coffee that the day was Sunday--the day he and Ollie had agreed he would care for Zoe unaided. Of course, he had only realized it when the sound of a crying child began to ring in his ears.
Severus immediately rose and rushed up the stairs into his bedroom where a basinet had been placed very near his own bed. Minerva had brought it from her personal storage after using it for both of her sons, Finlay and Ewan. The boys, now men in their fifties, hardly needed the thing and Minerva had assured Severus that it was still in quite good shape and would work perfectly for Zoe.
Severus crossed the room in only a few strides and looked down onto the infant. The child was crying uncontrollably, her face red and tear-soaked. Not knowing what else to do, he put a hand onto the child’s torso and rubbed it gently. As he did so, he thought for a moment about how incredibly small she was in comparison to his hand.
–What do you need?†he asked, and then mentally kicked himself. As if the child would respond in a manner he could understand.
–I am…unaccustomed to such earsplitting, non-verbal communication,†he explained.
What the bloody hell are you doing? She doesn’t understand you, you dolt, he internally chastised.
The child’s cries didn’t cease. On the contrary, it was almost as if she grew more frustrated by his presence and lack of immediate action to make her more comfortable that her wails became rather shrill and increased in volume.
Food, Severus thought, perhaps she wants breakfast: a perfectly reasonable request in the morning.
With that in mind, Severus spun on his heel and exited. He went straight into the kitchen to his cool-charmed cabinet and took out one of the bottles of formula Ollie had prepared. As he returned to the bedroom and the child’s cries, he took out his wand and warmed the bottle. It was easy enough to get the baby to take it and as she suckled, Severus held the bottle upright and watched as her eyes softened with contentedness.
Less than ten minutes later, however, the bottle was empty and once again, the child cried. Quickly remembering the little charm Minerva had taught him, Severus whipped out his wand and waved it over the baby. Nothing happened. Her nappy wasn’t soiled. She’d been fed, she was clean--Severus was at a loss. What more could an infant possibly need?
Perhaps he should Floo Minerva…
No. He could do this. After all, he’d defeated Dark wizards, surely one infant’s cries could be stemmed.
Looking around desperately, trying to remember all of the information the Headmistress had imparted to him about caring for a child and not being able to concentrate over the incessant wailing, Severus leaned over and scooped the small bundle into his arms, blanket and all.
It took a moment for him to position her in the crook of his arm in such a way that he wouldn’t feel like he was going to drop the child, but once there, the girl’s bawls ceased immediately.
Severus looked down on the child in his arms, perplexed. Was that really all it took?
Zoe opened her eyes and, for the first time, Severus really looked at them. They were shaped like his: round, almost doe-like, with abnormally long eyelashes. They were also a dark blue that he couldn’t recall having seen on a person before. He remembered instantly that Elizabeth’s eyes had been blue as well, but a much lighter shade. The girl is half yours, Severus, he had to remind himself and the dark blue of Zoe’s eyes suddenly seemed very fitting for the child.
The little girl sighed and snuggled against the wool of his black robes and continued to just…stare at him. In addition, Severus couldn’t take his eyes off her: the dark little orbs or her round, soft cheeks or her tiny, pouty little lips or the way her eyebrows seemed to knit together in concentration. He was awestruck by everything about her.
He knew the paternity charm had been conclusive, of course, yet he still couldn’t fathom how he, a former Death Eater and hated Potions Master, could have created--or even helped to create--something so beautiful and innocent, something so perfect.
He had no idea how long he stood there simply holding the child--his child--in his arms, but as he did so, he felt a magic encase him. The sensation crept into his very being. A light breeze seemed to sweep the room and a tingling slowly took over his entire body. Zoe fidgeted in his arms, but otherwise seemed unfazed by the powers that were taking hold of her father.
In that moment, Severus knew--whether by his own intuition or by some greater power--that he wanted nothing but the world for this little girl, his daughter. He knew that he loved her more than anything or anyone. She had been thrust into his life, as her mother had been before her and yet, Severus welcomed the change. He understood that he had been given an opportunity for a happier state of being, that he would have the opportunity to see a life grow and change before his very eyes. If he had to put a word to it, he was…elated.
No. He was bloody terrified.
The tiny child was now his duty to keep, his responsibility to protect. What if he were to fail? After all, he would be hard-pressed to protect her from everything--he’d learned that much with Lily’s insufferable son. Children seemed to have a knack for doing the exact opposite of whatever adults wished of them and Severus suddenly had an image of a faceless, dark-haired girl on a bucking broomstick fifty feet above a Quidditch pitch as he helplessly tried to counter the spell that caused its malfunction.
He had to shake his head--quite literally--to clear the fictional image from it.
Even if he was successful in delivering the child into adulthood relatively unscathed, there was still the nagging anxiety that he didn’t know how to be a father to her in the interim years. That much of what he had told Minerva had been true. He hadn’t exactly had the greatest of role models. Tobias Snape had been an alcoholic and temperamental man, not exactly someone Severus ever intended to emulate in this regard. In all honesty, there hadn’t been many others in his life to fill the void of loving, supportive father figure.
Perhaps Dumbledore, but by the time Severus had grown to trust the man explicitly, he was more of a mentor and confidant than father. Severus had been old enough to care for himself at that point.
No. There was nobody by which Severus could pull pointers from; he would have to strike out and find his own path in this. Perhaps that was for the better. After all, Zoe was brand new to this world, to life in general, and there was no reason to believe that they couldn’t learn together, learn from each other.
And Severus wanted to teach her everything. His daughter would be well versed in both the Wizard and Muggle worlds for she was a child of both, as he had been. He would introduce her to literature and languages, magic and potions. He could see it now. This child would make him proud.
Severus wasn’t entirely sure when his feet had taken him downstairs, still cradling the little girl in his arms, but he suddenly found himself carefully lowering down into his faded green armchair in the sitting room doing his best not to disturb the infant that had started to doze off again.
The morning sun was just starting to make its way across the hardwood floor. Severus had brewing to do, but he couldn’t take himself away from the very simplistic task he was currently engaging in.
Looking down onto the child, he ran the long fingers of one hand across her crown, marveling at the fine tuft of dark hair on her extraordinarily soft head. The girl was so small, yet warm to him and he couldn’t help but delicately touch every part of her little face. Zoe didn’t stir in the slightest when his index finger rounded her perfect ears or caressed her chubby, rosy cheeks.
Severus paused in his memorization of his daughter for an instant as a strange, sentimental idea popped into his mind. Then, without further contemplation, he pulled off the tiny pink socks that adorned each of the sleeping baby’s feet. He had heard of parents counting their newborn’s toes as some sort of way to prove that the child was real, healthy, or complete or something, and perhaps that was why he was doing it. He couldn’t be sure as he touched each miniscule digit. There were ten adorable little toes and as his gaze shifted higher in order to inspect Zoe’s hands and surprisingly long fingers, he felt the strongest sense of pride overcome him.
Mine, he thought. This child is mine.
She was his to watch grow, his to mold into a unique and respected human being. He may not have known how to be a father but he’d be damned if he didn’t do his best. Minerva had been right in that. In the span of only a few days, this tiny sleeping babe had become his whole life, even if he hadn’t realized it until that very morning when he had truly held his daughter for the first time.
Yes, perhaps it was true that he had years of worry ahead of him and perhaps even as many sleepless nights as his years under the Dark Lord had afforded him, but somehow he didn’t think he would mind nearly as much. For in no way did he feel that such inconveniences would be burdensome to him--he didn’t think he could ever attribute such a term to Zoe.
He was a father.
He had gazed upon his own creation and been mesmerized by her. This tiny being was barely cognizant of anything besides her own comfort and yet, she held his heart tighter than anyone had before. More than Elizabeth Agnew ever had.
Even more than Lily.
/*S*
Severus awoke to the sound of a small explosion. Startled, he instantly reached for his wand while steadying the sleeping infant on his chest with his other hand. As his eyes came into focus, however, he realized that the explosion had been little more than a flashbulb housed within a camera held by Minerva McGonagall. The witch lowered the camera, a smile on her face and a fond gleam in her eye.
–You’re very lucky I didn’t hex you,†Severus whispered scathingly to the Headmistress, repositioning Zoe to cradle her in his arms.
Minerva merely waved a hand of indifference. –I imagine it would have been worth it for the photograph I just took. I do think I’ve forever captured a side of Severus Snape that nobody has seen before.â€
–Convenient sleep cushion?†Severus asked cynically.
–Loving father.â€
She came forward, reaching a hand down and placing it delicately on the baby’s head, still smiling fondly. When Minerva reached to take the child from his arms, Severus found that he didn’t wish to relinquish his hold on Zoe.
–I have no desire to wake her,†he said awkwardly, looking away from Minerva’s inquiring expression.
Minerva beamed almost triumphantly as she walked to the sofa and sat across from him.
–Why, may I ask, have you invaded my house this morning?†Severus asked as Minerva’s gushy eyes became too much for him to handle.
–Afternoon, Severus. It’s just gone noon,†Minerva stated. –And it’s your first Sunday alone with Zoe.â€
–And yet, we’re no longer alone.â€
–I thought you may want some assistance.â€
Severus rolled his eyes. –I am not incompetent, Minerva.â€
–I never said that you were, but every new parent could use a helping hand in the first few days with their child as they become accustomed to the routine. You are getting into a routine, aren’t you?â€
Severus looked down at Zoe settled into the bend of his elbow to keep from revealing to the Headmistress that he had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Routine? Routine for what? As far as he could tell, the routine had consisted of the child sleeping whenever she slept, eating when she became fussy, and being changed when she needed changing—all of which had been done by Ollie with the exception of that first night and this morning.
Minerva seemed to pick up on Severus’s dodge of the question, however. He had taken entirely too long to respond.
–Severus, your day-to-day life will be considerably easier if you work to get Zoe into a schedule of feedings and sleep. Did she keep you awake at all last night?â€
–No…â€
–Well, relish that sleep. It’s unlikely to last.â€
Severus nodded distractedly for he had seen Zoe’s eyes open ever so slightly, before squeezing shut once more. He didn’t exactly know why it was that he wanted to see them again--those beautiful blue orbs--but he did. He therefore repositioned Zoe, hoping that the movement would coax her to open her eyes for him. This proved disastrous in that as soon as the girl awoke, she immediately started to cry.
A combination of not knowing the exact technique to use to console a wailing infant and his acute awareness that Minerva was much more experienced with such things made his attempt at rocking the girl in his arms seem feeble. After what felt like several minutes of shushing and rocking, he finally looked up into the amused face of the Headmistress.
–Well? Where is that assistance you seem so keen to provide?†he ground out, gritting his teeth in order to swallow his pride.
Minerva merely smiled at his hostility. –She’s hungry.â€
–How the bloody hell can you possibly know that? You’re sitting halfway across the room.â€
–It’s the way she’s crying.â€
–The way that she’s crying?†Severus thought that response sounded completely mad. He wasn’t aware that babies had different cries for different needs. He shook his head. –She can’t be hungry. I just fed her--â€
–When?†Minerva cut him off, her eyebrows raised in smugness.
Severus narrowed his eyes at the witch. –When she awoke this morning.â€
–When she awoke this morning,†Minerva repeated, nodding. –It’s now the afternoon. Ignoring, for a moment, the fact that children this young should eat every few hours, do you, yourself, not start to feel a bit peckish toward the middle of the day?â€
Severus rolled his eyes as he pulled out his wand, summoning a fresh bottle from the kitchen. By the time it reached his hand, it was already the perfect temperature for the child. He mentally ticked off the mastering of that particular parental charm as he put the bottle in Zoe’s mouth.
The little girl relaxed and, once again, Severus saw the unmistakable look of contentedness in her eyes. He wrinkled his brow in confusion.
–Severus?†He looked up at Minerva. –What is it?†she asked.
Severus shook his head.
–I--†he began, but then closed his mouth, unsure of what it was, exactly, that he wanted to express. –It’s just that I find it…strange, I suppose…that she trusts me to hold her. That she has no fear that I will drop her.â€
–She’s an infant, Severus,†Minerva stated. –I don’t think her thoughts are too complex at the moment.â€
–Where does that come from? She’s so…content. How is it that--â€
–Severus.†Minerva’s tone was almost a warning. –Don’t question it. Just…live it.â€
He nodded and then looked down on the child in his arms who was now only sucking on the bottle between dozes. –I felt something,†he said. –When I held her this morning, I mean.â€
–What did you feel?â€
–Magic.â€
Severus took his eyes off Zoe in just enough time to see Minerva nod. –Yes, the Bond.â€
–The Bond?â€
–Oh, yes. It is a magical, emotional link between a child and a parent--typically anyway. Muggles experience it as well; they are just unaware of what it is. I had it very strongly with Ewan.â€
–Not both sons?â€
Minerva waved her hand nonchalantly. –Of course I had it with both sons, I loved them both and any amount of love between blood relatives can create a Bond. However, Finlay was his father’s son from the beginning and therefore had a much stronger connection with my husband. I merely assumed you were referring to the exceptionally strong Bond you and Zoe must share.â€
–What makes you think my Bond with Zoe is exceptionally strong?â€
Minerva took a deep breath and smiled kindly at the wizard. –I’ve known you for many years, Severus. You wouldn’t have mentioned it otherwise if the feeling hadn’t very nearly overwhelmed you.â€
Severus merely inclined his head in response.
/*S*
The afternoon continued on relatively pleasantly. After Zoe had consumed her bottle, she had only remained awake for a short time before succumbing to slumber yet again. Severus had decided it only fair that he give Minerva a chance to hold the girl--the woman had been kind enough to come over and see to his and the child’s well-being, after all, despite her obligations to an entire school of magical brats.
The two of them had talked, mostly, and drank tea. However, as soon as Zoe awoke near dinnertime, he greedily reclaimed her for himself.
With his knees locked together, Zoe lay comfortably on his legs, looking up at him with curiosity. Minerva was flitting about his house, mumbling to herself and casting spells--–baby-proofingâ€, apparently. Ignoring the Headmistress’s agitated grumblings of disapproval when she found something hazardous, Severus stared down at the tiny baby, entranced in her blue eyes once again, perplexed at how the child could hold his gaze so intently.
–She’s going to be a stubborn one,†he said resolutely to no one in particular, refusing to break his gaze away.
–With you as her father? I should think so,†Minerva said, equally as distracted. She was examining the grate around the fireplace now, repairing a broken hinge and assuring herself that it latched securely in place.
She came around behind his chair then and looked over his shoulder at Zoe. In that instant of distraction, the girl’s eyes flitted away from him and settled on Minerva instead. He didn’t really know why he was momentarily crestfallen by that.
–Has she smiled for you yet?†the Headmistress asked.
–They smile?†Severus questioned somewhat skeptically.
–Oh, yes. It’s wonderful when they do,†she assured. She nudged his shoulder with her hand. –Go on, do something funny. See if she’ll smile for you.â€
Severus scowled.
–No.â€
–Oh, come on, Severus. What could it hurt?â€
He rolled his eyes this time. –What would you propose I do, Minerva? Stand on my head and whistle circus tunes?â€
The witch snorted in amusement. –As entertaining as I’m sure that would be, I doubt it would take so much effort. Babies are rather easily amused. You could simply make a silly face at her.â€
–I’ll leave the silly faces for silly people,†Severus said lowly.
Minerva merely shrugged. –Suit yourself.â€
She walked around the chair and gathered her handbag. –Well, I should be off. Hogwarts has been absent of its Headmistress long enough, I should think.â€
Severus nodded and, with surprising ease, lifted Zoe off his legs and stood in one motion. He strode to Minerva and allowed her to take the infant from his arms. She cradled Zoe to her chest and cooed at her as she ran a hand delicately over the child’s head. She placed a kiss upon the little girl’s brow and looked down on her.
–Your daddy doesn’t yet understand how lucky he is,†she said barely above a whisper. It was a tone Severus would never have imagined coming from the strict witch. Before this moment, Minerva had been maternal toward Zoe, indeed, but in a detached sort of way, doing what she felt she must to ensure the survival of the child in the hands of a man who knew nothing of small children. Now, she was being… well, affectionate.
She swayed back and forth for a moment and kissed the child’s forehead again. –Yes, indeed. He is quite lucky.â€
Then she took a step forward and placed Zoe back into his arms. She met his gaze for an instance and Severus could see the unspoken words that he had better take damned good care of that child or there would be hell to pay. Minerva turned away and grabbed for the Floo powder on the mantle.
–Minerva…â€
A thought had just occurred to Severus then, but it hadn’t fully formed by the time the Headmistress turned back to face him.
–Yes?†she asked after several moments of silence. Severus looked away from her, down to the infant in his arms.
–She’s going to need…someone... Someone other than me,†he said.
Minerva frowned. –Severus. As you said, you are more than capable of caring for a child. You needn’t worry. You merely--â€
She cut off when she saw him shake his head.
–That isn’t what I mean. I was simply wondering…since you seem rather attached…†He stopped. Why was this so difficult? Was it the thought of surrendering part of the child’s affections to another? Perhaps it was just that he was unaccustomed to making such a monumental decision on little more than a whim, but when the thought had occurred to him, it seemed right immediately. He took a deep breath and exhaled.
–I was wondering… that is, if you are willing… Minerva, would you consent to be my daughter’s godmother?â€
Minerva’s features softened immediately, but then her brow furrowed and she shook her head--more to clear it of the notion, it seemed, than as a negative to his question. –Oh, Severus. You know I’ll be available if ever you should need my assistance. But I’m old. Surely there is someone much younger you could--â€
–There’s no one,†he stated truthfully. –No one younger, no one I could possibly trust…â€
Minerva held up her hand to halt him, her eyes suddenly glistening with happiness. –I would be honored.â€
He gave a small nod as Minerva smiled and reached for the Floo powder once again. –Good evening, Severus.â€
–Good evening, Minerva.â€
Just as the bright green flames of the fire died away, Severus turned and made his way back to his chair. Once sitting, he placed Zoe on his legs once more. The girl stared at him again, this time with the tiniest of creases between her eyes.
–And what has you so displeased, young lady?†he asked, for some reason no longer caring that he was talking to an infant that couldn’t possibly respond back. –You should be pleased; I’ve just secured you a godmother.â€
The girl seemed far from impressed. In fact, her brow knitted together even more, becoming almost a full scowl before suddenly relaxing completely. Severus found his own brow furrowing in confusion until his olfactory receptors jumped into overdrive. He scowled.
–That’s how you think to repay me? With a mess in your nappy?†He shook his head. –That hardly seems like a satisfactory show of gratitude.â€
That’s when it happened. He had looked down onto his daughter for the hundredth time that day and it had all changed again.
She smiled.
It was toothless and rather lopsided and absolutely a response to his admonition, but it was for him. Just for him. Minerva had been right; it was wonderful.
Perhaps a minute had gone by before he realized that he, too, was smiling. How had she done that? How had this tiny being made him so utterly unaware of his own facial expressions?
He shook his head. It didn’t matter. His little girl had smiled just for him. There was no greater magic in the world than that.
Introductions by MetamorphmagusLupin
Chapter Notes: Hello all! Here is the final chapter of this little story, or glimpse as I like to call it. I hope you have enjoyed it.
Also, I've forgotten to do this, so I'll do it now: Zoe came from my brain, all other credit goes to the amazing JK Rowling.
Chapter Endnotes: Please keep an eye out for future Zoe and Severus stories. There is much more to come.
Also, shoot me a review and let me know what you think! It doesn't have to be long. It doesn't even have to be nice. Have a wonderful day!
MetamorphmagusLupin