Chapter One - Awkward
"It's been six months you know."
James glared at his friend, but otherwise ignored him as he headed up the pavement toward a relatively nondescript building.
"And it's been six weeks since you saw her at St. Mungo's." Sirius paused. "You should stop brooding, stop waiting for an answer. Get out and live a little before it's too late, Prongs."
This time James rolled his eyes at his friend's moody advice. But Sirius persisted, touching his arm and forcing him to stop before they entered the building.
"James, she's not interested. She's just not the one."
James finally turned, his muscles tense as he tried not to lash out at his friend; it wasn't his fault, not really. Sirius was just telling him the truth, as straight and honest as usual. "Don't you think I know all that?" he said. "Don't you think I know exactly how long it's been since I saw her, since I kissed her? Don't you think that every day I tell myself the same things?"
Sirius did not respond, struck silent by the blunt force of his friend's bitter words. Even James could hear the deep hurt and anger in them, and he took a slow breath to let it pass before he continued walking.
"Look, I'll give your bird a go. Really. Just give me another week or two." They stopped in front of the small flat that was their meeting place for the Order. Sirius gave the password that would let them in, and James lowered his voice as he continued. "It's just that it's almost Valentine's Day and I've got a lot of other things on my--"
He stopped short in his tracks as soon as he entered the flat and felt his heart almost stop in his chest. Lily Evans was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room, deep in conversation with Remus Lupin and Caradoc Dearborn.
"What the hell, Prongs?" Sirius asked, and then stepped around him. "Oh."
Remus saw them standing in the doorway and stood to join them as Lily gave him a small smile, obviously aware of the awkwardness of the situation. James turned away, his face burning, though he could not pinpoint what he felt more: anger, disappointment, or even longing.
"What the hell is she doing here?" he grumbled as Remus joined them. He hurried toward the sofa on the other side of the room, avoiding looking his friends in the eye.
"Apparently she wants to join the Order," Remus replied with a shrug. "Seeing as it's going pretty badly out there, we could use a good witch like her."
James gave him a slightly incredulous look. "She could get hurt, get killed!" he exclaimed as he shook his head, hating to even articulate the thought. "Why would she want to risk that?"
"We could be killed too," Remus pointed out. "Why do we risk it?"
James simply rolled his eyes, apparently his response of choice that night.
"Exactly," said Remus, although James didn't know what he had said that had Remus agreeing with him. "We're here to fight back. Don't forget--Lily's a Muggle-born. I think she's starting to feel it, so she has every right to be a part of this."
James felt his face cloud at the very thought of someone threatening her. He wasn't with her--hadn't been with her since they'd left Hogwarts--but he still couldn't stand the idea of something happening to her. Remus was watching him closely, though, so he composed himself as best as he could.
"So why is she with Caradoc?" he asked, trying not to sound interested or upset. He could tell from the exasperated look on Sirius's face that he had failed.
The corners of Remus's mouth tugged upwards ever so slightly, and James scowled. "Apparently he talked her into it," said Remus, wiping his face clean.
"And how did they happen to hook up?" James asked. "He's almost ten years older than her!"
Now it was Sirius's turn to roll his eyes. "He was only five years above us in school, Prongs. And you know he's a perfectly decent bloke."
"They met at St Mungo's," said Remus. "But they haven't hooked up, as you so eloquently put it. His father was injured and Lily has been helping with his recovery. I believe he's actually seeing someone else."
"Dorcas?" asked Sirius, sounding curious.
Remus coughed and leaned in as if he didn't want to be caught gossiping. "I thought her brother?"
Sirius burst out laughing. "Of course. I like Evans, but why couldn't he recruit Adriam too? He's almost bigger than two of us combined."
"That's why he's such a brilliant Keeper," murmured James, only half listening now as he watched Lily across the room. She was listening to Alice Longbottom, her green eyes intent, her red hair tied back in a loose knot at the nape of her neck. Once again she caught his glance and smiled at him, but he turned back to his friends.
"And he's connected," Remus was saying. "I'd guess half the information Caradoc brings us is actually from the Falcons changing room."
"Really?" asked Sirius. "That's not why, is it? I mean, Caradoc doesn't seem like the type to shag someone for information."
James turned and gave Sirius a skeptical look. "You have."
"That was different," Sirius said, sounding defensive, yet with a hint of a grin tugging at his mouth.
"How?" asked Remus. "I've often wondered how you pulled that off."
"She was one of them, for one," said Sirius. "And we needed to know what was going down on Christmas."
"Don't remind me about Christmas," James stated. "I don't want to even think about it."
"And it always comes back to Evans," Sirius said to Remus.
"Or the trap where I got hit with three Stunners," James snapped back, although Sirius was right: it was about Lily.
"You'll have to talk to her at some point," Remus said, sounding only slightly more sympathetic than Sirius. "I can't imagine this is easy for her."
"It's not easy for me either," James said.
"Honestly, James--you've been in the Order for months," Sirius said, sounding more pragmatic than usual. "She hasn't. It's a big decision, a big responsibility. Put aside the other stuff for now because we have a war to win."
"I couldn't have said it better myself," growled a voice behind them. Alastor Moody stumped by, his magical eye revolving eerily in its socket. "Worry about your personal problems letter, Potter. We've got things to do, like start this meeting, for one."
James looked away, his face flaming in embarrassment. When he glanced back, Lily was watching him curiously. 'You all right?' she mouthed at him. He gave a curt nod and focused on Moody in the center of the room.
"Dumbledore is at the Ministry," Moody said when he had everyone's attention. "Late night session of the Wizengamot. They're trying their damnedest to keep some semblance of order, but obviously failing miserably. So you're stuck with me. Let's hear what you've got."
He went around the room, checking in with various Order members who reported on what rumors they had heard regarding Voldemort and Death Eater activity, whether on assignment or as part of their regular job. Mostly it was the same as it was every fortnight that they met: more attacks on Muggles, with more and more disappearances within the wizarding community as those who tried to stand up to them met with unknown fates.
A Muggle couple had been brutally attacked in Brockworth, but Frank and Alice Longbottom had managed to intercept the assault and save them, though the masked culprits had escaped. Unfortunately, Benjy Fenwick and Fabian Prewett had arrived too late to save an entire family of wizards from being slaughtered in their own house, arriving only to find the Dark Mark hanging grimly in the night sky.
Eventually James stopped listening to the bleak news and let his gaze settle on Lily, his mind wandering. The idea of having to work side by side with her again, after all they had been through, was unsettling. It had taken them long enough to figure things out as Head Boy and Head Girl their seventh year at Hogwarts; now they would have to move on from their failed romantic relationship and try to find new ground, something James wasn't sure he could do. He had proposed, after all--and she had said no. It was hard to move on after something like that, even so many months later.
Oh, he understood why she had said no, why she had ended it: it had been too much, too fast, too soon. Maybe he should have waited, but it had just felt so right. He had carried the ring for weeks before he had finally offered it to her on the last day of school; he had carried it for months afterward, when she had not accepted it, sadly laying her hand on his cheek as she walked away.
He had just put it back in his dresser when he had been hit by three Stunners on Christmas Day, and Lily had been the Healer-in-training on duty that night. Seeing her had brought it all flooding back, and he had not only asked her for another chance, but he had kissed her.
That had been over six weeks ago, and he had not heard from her since. Sirius was right: he had to move on--really move on--but now he felt just as confused as ever. There she was, sitting across from him, listening closely as Moody began to go over the Order's plans for the next fortnight. He vaguely heard his name, but didn't listen closely enough, and before he knew it, everyone was standing and heading out, either on assignment or for home.
"Did you hear a word of any of that?" Sirius asked. "Or were you too busy staring at Evans?"
James shrugged, guilty as charged, then stood and started toward the door, determined to escape before he had to actually talk to her. Seeing her again had brought forth too many feelings, feelings he didn't want to deal with at that moment, not when there were so many other people around and so many other things to worry about. But she caught up to him, and he felt her light touch on his elbow.
"James?" she asked, and he took a deep breath before he turned around. He wanted to smile--he really did--but he kept his face composed and simply nodded instead.
"Hey Evans," he said, and he could have kicked himself when he saw the disappointed look on her face when he used her surname. "Fancy seeing you here." He could imagine Sirius rolling his eyes again behind him, and Remus shaking his head; it was exactly what he had said to her last time he had seen her, half delirious with pain at St. Mungo's. He felt rather than saw them both duck out the door, no doubt dreading how much of a fool he might make of himself this time.
"Yes, well..." She trailed off and smiled, but he knew her. She was faking it; his distant response had hurt her. "I had to. I can't stand what's happening now--what happened to Caradoc's father, how many people keep showing up at St. Mungo's half dead, how many have gone missing…" She left again, this time with a shrug. "I had to."
James nodded, the tiniest bit of pride warring in his chest with an almost paralyzing fear for her safety. He suddenly wanted to protect her more than anything, but she wasn't his to protect, wasn't his to even worry about, really.
And that's what hurt so much: he wanted to worry, to protect, because he wanted her. More than anything, and for forever, he wanted to be with Lily Evans.
But he wasn't.
"We could use you," James finally said, after an awkward silence that saw them both looking anywhere but at each other. "You were always good in a fight." She glanced up in surprise, and he couldn't help but grin. "At least, you had a good Stinging Hex, as I recall. I was on the receiving end more than once."
Her mouth curved up in a crooked grin. "I had a lot of practice with that particular one. There were some rather annoying gits in my year."
James couldn't resist stepping closer and gazing down at her; it was all he could do to stop himself taking her chin in his hands. "Jinxes and hexes don't always work against Death Eaters," he said, hearing the earnest warning in his voice. "You need to be careful."
She stared at him defiantly. "I can take care of myself, Potter. I think I proved that at Hogwarts."
He bit back a hot retort, stepping backward with his hands up in apology instead. "Then I'll see you around, Evans. Good luck." He turned and walked away, wanting more than anything to leave so he could either punch a hole in the wall back home or drown in a bottle of Firewhiskey at the Leaky Cauldron. Really, he'd likely do neither, and knowing that made him even more angry--at himself.
"James, wait," Lily called, and he turned around slowly, hoping no one was watching his reaction, his face. Not everyone knew their history, and he hoped to keep it that way.
"Yes?" he asked as she approached him again, a questioning but shy look on her face.
"How are you?" she asked, then coughed as if embarrassed "Your injuries, I mean…"
He raised an eyebrow. "I survived. I'm alive. I'm fine."
She nodded, and there was another uncomfortable silence between them. "Look, I need to catch up with Remus and Sirius, fill Pete in on what he missed." He gave her what he hoped was an apologetic look, but it was probably more impatient than anything.
"Right." Lily sighed. "James, I'm sorry about Christmas--" she started, and he waved her off.
"Don't be. It's not your fault I was hit with three Stunners."
She frowned and smiled at the same time. "That's not what I meant. I meant…well…"
"I know what you meant," James said, and instead of giving her an irritated or impatient look, he let his shoulder slump slightly in defeat. "And I'm sorry. I put you on the spot. And then I badgered you some more with the owls and the flowers and everything."
"Thank you for the flowers," she said softly, and she finally met his eyes. "They were lovely."
James shrugged. "I remembered that you liked daisies."
"You remembered my birthday," she returned. "You didn't have to do that."
"I wanted to." Again the awkward silence. He hated it. How could they have been so close a year ago? How could things have been so perfect that he was ready to spend his life with her, barely out of school and in the middle of a war?
How could things have changed so much?
She finally continued. "I'm sorry I didn't reply, didn't write, didn't--"
"Even visit me in my hospital room?" he asked, but he forced a lightness to his voice that was even more cutting, judging from the anguished look on her face. "I get it, I do. I shouldn't have asked again. You're not interested."
She was silent, which only confirmed his words and made his heart ache more. Before he broke down, or worse, he shook his head and moved to leave once more. But he did reach out to touch her cheek, however briefly.
"Be careful out there, Evans," he said softly. "Some lucky guy is waiting for a yes."
Her lips parted slightly and Merlin he wanted to kiss her, but he ducked his head instead and left the room, heading out into the cold night, alone.
* * *
He did not, however, wake up alone.
Hand sprawled over his head, James was shocked awake when he flung it to the side, only to hear a loud groan from beside him. It did not sound particularly feminine, and when he opened his eyes, he was even more stunned to see the blurry shape of Sirius, still dressed, halfway on the bed beside him. He was tempted to push him off.
"What the hell, Padfoot?" he said, rubbing his eyes groggily and stretching out his other hand for his glasses. He didn't find them, but he did find his wand, and simply Summoned them from wherever they had fallen. He was dismayed to see he wasn't nearly as clothed as Sirius, but instead shivering in his pants and a white t-shirt.
"Morning to you too," grumbled Sirius, stuffing a pillow over his head. "At least, I suspect that's what the light is for. Morning and all that." He rolled over with another groan.
"Why are you in my bed?" asked James, slowly sitting up until his head threatened to explode; he had to stop and put it in hands lest he vomited. He was beginning to guess why, though.
"I have no idea, Prongs," Sirius said from beneath the pillow. "But it's rather cozy. Much nicer than mine, maybe I'll bunk over here more often."
"First and last time, Padfoot," James replied, and then forced himself to his feet. The world spun and he swore as he crashed back to the bed. "What the hell did we do last night?"
"From the state of my stomach, I'd say we consumed vast amounts of alcohol. I remember Firewhiskey and mermaid gin and something rather fruity." Sirius took off the pillow and stared at the ceiling. "This might be the worst I have ever felt after a night out with you."
"Considering I just found you in my bed, I'd have to agree." James stood again, taking several deep breaths to steady himself. He began to slowly walk toward the chair where he had apparently discarded his shirt and trousers, then stopped and ran for the toilet instead.
His stomach did not want to get out of bed. It did not want to get dressed. It did, however, want to empty itself into the toilet very violently. He could hear Sirius laughing in the bedroom.
"That was me while you threw yourself into bed half naked," he called, and James could hear him moving around as his stomach protested once more. "It's worse when you fall asleep without getting it out, you know."
James sat back and wiped his mouth. Sirius was standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. "Yes, it definitely is. Don't remind me. So how did we end up here? Where are the others?"
"I seem to recall…the Knight Bus?" Sirius slid down the wall and let his head fall to his knees. "Not sure where Remus and Pete ended up, but I do remember striking out with those girls."
"What girls?" asked James. He tried standing, and when his stomach didn't rebel again, he made his way to the sink and thoroughly cleaned his teeth. Sirius didn't answer; James poked him with his foot.
"What girls?" he asked again. All he remembered was meeting at the Leaky Cauldron and actually indulging in the drink he had craved…and then a quite a few more. Sirius had matched him shot for shot, even encouraging him when Remus and Pete had quit to…
"Ahhhh," said James, running a hand over his face as he suddenly remembered. "Those girls. Yeah, I think that's probably where Remus and Pete ended up."
Sirius looked up too quickly and groaned. "With them? What? How?"
"I remember you acting like complete prat," said James as he stepped over his friend and made his way toward the kitchen without bothering to get dressed. He wasn't hungry, but it seemed the natural thing to do. Even if he just made tea to settle his queasy stomach. Sirius followed him.
"I think I remember that part," said Sirius, throwing himself into a chair at the kitchen table. "Though I also remember you acting little better."
James shrugged and grinned. "I wasn't trying to score."
"You said you'd move on," Sirius pointed out.
"And I will," said James, placing two cups on the table for them. "But last night wasn't the night."
"Could've been great," Sirius lamented. "I can't believe Remus and Pete left with them instead."
"They deserve it," James laughed. "We were complete idiots."
"And now we're idiots with a hangover." Sirius toyed with a stack of napkins on the table. "What do you think Dumbledore will have us working on next? Moody send he'd send word today."
"Don't know," said James. "As long as I'm not with Evans, I'll do just about anything. Maybe sneak into some secret Death Eater lair and take out a few of the bastards myself."
Sirius gave him a skeptical look, and his voice was heavy with sarcasm. "Right. Because that's how the Order does things. And because Dumbledore will gladly appease your death wish."
"I don't have a death wish," said James, pouring them both some hot water. He sat down while the tea steeped. Sirius stood and prowled around the kitchen, apparently looking for some biscuits.
"I'd call drinking yourself unconscious a bit of a death wish," Sirius pointed out, his voice muffled from the pantry. "Or storming a fortress by yourself with nothing but a wand."
"They don't have fortresses," James laughed. It felt good to joke about it, even if Sirius was uncomfortably close to the truth. "And I wasn't trying to drink myself to death. Just oblivion."
"Then you succeeded," said a voice from the door. Peter stood there, shaking his head as he dusted a bit of light snow from his shoulders. "You were completely bladdered last night."
"Don't remind us," Sirius grumbled as he walked by with a tin, but he winked at James, obviously putting on an act. He frowned as he glanced at Peter. "Especially since you stole our birds."
Peter laughed. "We did not steal them! They thought you were both complete gorms, so we were lucky they even talked to us after you left."
"What did you end up doing?" James asked before Sirius could jump in and complain some more. He didn't really care about the girls, and he knew Sirius didn't either, and he didn't really feel like playing that they did.
Peter just shrugged. "We talked for a bit. Not sure if we'll see them again, but they were nice enough." He coughed. "Look, I'd love to go on about my personal life, but it's not all that, and Dumbledore has something he needs you to look into."
Sirius sat up straighter, and James leaned forward. "Brilliant. What is it?"
"Apparently Moody mentioned something about a new target last night? A Squib, Orsino--owns a restaurant?" Peter asked, and Sirius nodded, so he continued. "He wants you and Lily to check it out. Remus is already on something else. I'm sitting the Hag's Rest tonight to see if I hear anything else." He grimaced. "As if I didn't have enough of drunken prats at the Leaky last night."
"Hey!" said Sirius, but before he could go on, James interrupted him.
"Me and Lily?" he asked. "Or Sirius and Lily?"
Peter gave him a sympathetic look. "Remus told me about last night, but Dumbledore wants you on it. He seems to think the Head Boy and Head Girl would make a good team on this one. And not arouse suspicion poking around places as a couple."
James stood and stormed across the kitchen. "You've got to be joking." He practically threw his cup in the sink, and could feel Peter and Sirius exchanging glances behind his back. He turned and caught them at it. "Doesn't he know?"
Peter shrugged. "Of course he does. But you know Dumbledore--he has his reasons for everything. Sirius is off tonight. Apparently he's got big plans for you later in the week when the rest of us figure out what's actually going down--you get to stop it." Peter wiggled his eyebrows and Sirius grinned.
"Brilliant."
"No," said James, cutting them off. "Not brilliant. I'm not going on assignment with Evans. Sirius, switch with me. I want to storm the fortress, remember?"
Sirius held up his hands. "I'm not going against Dumbledore. You heard Wormy, he's got his reasons. Maybe he figures you two can work things out while you're trying to kill each other." He laughed, though it was a small laugh, and Peter joined him.
"That's not funny," James replied coldly. "I can't be with her--you saw us last night. It was deadly awkward."
Sirius stood and put his hand on James's shoulder. "I saw two people who went out with each other trying to talk after a long time apart. It was bound to be uncomfortable, especially when you still care."
James stared at him. "That's exactly why I can't work with her. I care about her too much."
"I know, Prongs," Sirius said, and his face was sad but set. "But sometimes we have to do things for the greater good. It's not about you and her now, it's about saving lives and bringing down this maniac. Together."
Peter was watching both of them, as if waiting for them to fight. James took a deep breath and sighed. "Fine. I'll try. But Merlin's pants, it won't be easy."
"It never is," Sirius said. "Especially with you two."
* * *
Honestly by Gmariam
Story Notes:
This story refers to events in a story called 'Another Chance.' I think I have summarized it enough for you to get the idea, but feel free to find it on my author's page if you'd like to read more!
Chapter Endnotes: This story will not be as long as some of my other J/L stories, nor will it be as short. Either way, I hope you enjoy it! Thank you for reading and reviewing!