Chapter Five - So Close
James spent the next day recovering: he slept in, he ate, he read the Daily Prophet and rested some more. By noon he was bored and decided to head to St. Mungo's to check on Orsino and Dorcas; he also hoped he might see Lily.
Caradoc was there with Adriam Meadowes, and James was glad to see that Dorcas had improved tremendously. He still sensed a deep sadness in her, or perhaps it was guilt, but he didn't know what to say and left quickly. Yes, she had killed a man, but that man had already killed two innocent restaurant workers and would have killed more. James wasn't sure how he would deal with the knowledge that he had taken a life, but he knew it was a part of war. It would happen one day.
Orsino was still unconscious. The Healers had placed him in a magically induced sleep to allow his body time to heal. There was still no word on whether he would have full use of his arm. James couldn't imagine losing such an important limb: how would Orisno adapt, especially without magic?
Lily had already come by that morning and gone home as she wasn't scheduled to work that day. He waited, idly hoping she would come back, but eventually he left as well. He went to visit his father, finding some solace from the restlessness that plagued him by sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea, filling his father in on what had happened at the restaurant. Harrington Potter was completely supportive of his son being in the Order, but James could tell his father was growing increasingly worried.
"I'm just glad you're all right, son," he finally said, sipping at his tea. He set down the cup and gave James a very direct look. "Fighting for others is all well and good, but I don't want to see you lying up at St. Mungo's in that bed."
"I've been hit before, Dad," James said, shrugging it off. It was true, after all: it was war.
"Yes, you've had your share of injuries--all of you." Harrington Potter paused and rubbed his chin; he wore a beard, gone grey now with age. "But you've been lucky none of them have been serious. I don't want to see you lose a limb--or worse."
James nodded and sighed. He understood how his father felt because he had felt the same way about Lily each time they had gone to the restaurant. He couldn't bear the thought of something happening to her, even if they weren't together. Yet he also knew from the way she had fought that they needed her; the Order needed them both. People like Orsino needed them, and so they carried on, in spite of the risks.
"I'll be careful, Dad," he said with a half-hearted smile. "But it's something I've got to do."
His father reached across the table and took his hand. "I know. And I'm proud of you, James. Your mother would be too."
James swallowed a lump in his throat as he simply nodded. They talked a bit more about things in general--the Daily Prophet, the war, the state of the Ministry--until James finally excused himself. He felt drained once more and wanted to rest before the meeting that night. For some reason, he was dreading it.
He returned to his flat, but Sirius was out. So he laid down, tried to read, and scrounged for something to eat, before finally pacing as he waited for seven o'clock. After Apparating to Diagon Alley, he began to head toward Headquarters, hoping to run into Lily on the way, but instead catching up with Sirius and Peter.
They made it to Headquarters safely to find most of the Order members already gathered. Dumbledore was talking quietly with Lily in the corner, but James did not want to interrupt and did not sit with her as he had hoped. Instead, he found a place by Gideon and his brother Fabian; Remus soon joined them. Frank and Alice Longbottom walked in last with the wizard from the restaurant, Edgar Bones, and his wife. James nodded to himself: apparently they had some new members.
After a few minutes, Dumbledore started the meeting. He began by telling everyone about the attack at Orsino's. He left nothing out, starting with the intelligence he had received about an impending attack, to Lily's suspicion of Iain Travers, to the brief but intense battle itself. He updated the room on everyone's condition.
"Giovanni Orsino is still under careful observation, but his physical condition is improving hourly. Dorcas Meadowes witnessed the attack and killed the other Death Eater in the kitchen. She is recuperating at home with her family." He paused and looked around the room. "The others who were injured have also been released. Services for the young witch and her fiancée who were killed in the attack are on Friday."
"What about the Muggles?" asked Benjy Fenwick from the corner where he sat with Caradoc. Alastor Moody stepped forward, his magical eye revolving eerily.
"Ten dead, nine injured. We had the Ministry out until late last night to help. The Muggle papers will report it as a gas explosion. All Muggles involved have had their memories modified." He looked angry, but James couldn't place whether it was because of the casualties themselves or something else. "It was a big job. I don't want to see it happen again."
James felt a stab in his gut: he'd felt guilty, yes, but he couldn't help but feel that they had done their best and saved a lot of lives. They'd been outnumbered two to one in the end, and yet half the people in the building had escaped with little or no injury. He glanced at Lily and saw she felt it too: the painful guilt that they hadn't done more, earlier, to stop the horrific attack. He closed his eyes; next to him he heard Sirius swearing under his breath.
"I think our people acted extraordinarily well in exceptional circumstances, Alastor," said Dumbledore softly. When James opened his eyes, he saw that Dumbledore had laid a hand on Moody's arm as if to hold him back. "We had very little information to go on. They were outnumbered. They fought well and saved many, many lives."
"I'm not discounting them, Albus," Moody growled. "Potter held his own again and Evans did exceptional for her first time out. I just don't want it to happen again. We need to stop it before it happens, not be there to minimize the damage."
Lily still looked slightly sick; James felt it too. Moody was right, but how could they predict when it would happen again? They had spent a week at the restaurant and seen nothing. It was only Lily's call on Travers that had saved them at all. How could they possibly know who else was involved when so many Death Eaters still followed Voldemort in secret? How could they possible know in advance when something was going to happen?
"We have as many people as possible out listening and gathering information," replied Dumbledore. "There will be times where all we can hope to do is contain the situation. This was one of them. I commend you all for your brave actions last night. Without you, the situation would have ended far more tragically." He gave James, and then Lily, a reassuring smile before continuing. "That said, we still need more information. We need more people. And after the events of last evening, two more have decided to join us."
Dumbledore motioned toward Edgar Bones, who stood with his wife by his side. "I would like to introduce Edgar Bones. He was at the restaurant last night and stayed to fight. His wife Sarah helped several of the injured. They will be joining us, and I have no doubt they will be a great asset to our efforts."
There was muffled applause around the room. Edgar cleared his throat and smiled, warm but determined. James liked him already: the man had an air about him that radiated strength and confidence, and his wife appeared equally as strong. He had no doubt the Bones would be a welcome addition to their group: they had been the only ones to stay and fight at the restaurant, which alone spoke highly of their character.
"Thank you," said Edgar. "I appreciate the welcome. It's something I've been thinking about for a while." He stopped and took his wife's hand. "And after last night, I realized there was no other choice: what we saw was horrific, but we also saw brave people fighting back and knew we had to be a part of that. We want to protect our family. We want to help end this war."
"And we welcome you to our sturdy ranks," said Dumbledore. "Thank you. Now, as for the repercussions--" He continued, but James was no longer listening. He let his mind wander, just as he had last time. In the space of a week, they had recruited three new members. Three good, strong members who could help them fight back. He glanced toward Lily, glad she was there and relieved she was safe, and was surprised to find she was already staring at him. She smiled, and he smiled back.
The rest of the meeting passed in a daze. He knew he should be listening, but only half heard Dumbledore's warning that Voldemort's forces would likely retaliate for the stalemate at the restaurant. He registered Moody setting up new assignments, but didn't hear his name and let his eyes drift shut until Sirius nudged him.
"What?" he asked, shaking himself. He felt like he'd been caught dozing in Divination. "Did I miss something important?"
"Not really," said Sirius, grinning. "Just the end of the meeting. Half the Order's left."
James sat up from where he had slumped in his chair and glanced around. Sirius laughed, as if he knew what was going through James's mind.
"Evans is still here. You should catch up with her before she leaves."
"Why?" asked James, slightly confused even though that was exactly what he had been thinking.
"Because you missed your chance last night," Sirius said. "I left it wide open for you and everything."
"I don't need another chance," James grumbled as he stood. "She just wants to be friends."
"Are you sure?" Sirius asked. "Because the way she was sitting with you last night, watching you, leaning on your shoulder--that didn't seem all that friendly, if you know what I mean."
James watched her across the room, wishing Sirius was right, yet knowing he wasn't. Lily had come right out and said she wanted to be friends. Yes, there had been a moment when he had walked her home one night, another when he had showed her the Patronus charm...but nothing had happened, and nothing would. She had said no not once, but twice.
They had shared an intense embrace after the battle at Orsino's…but it hadn't meant anything to her, had it? It was relief, shared with the closest person present: a friend. While a small part of him wanted to believe it was more than that, wanted another chance, he also didn't want to lose what he had gained, even if it was just her friendship.
"I offered to walk her home," James finally replied with a shrug. "She Apparated."
"Ask her again," Sirius said. "I think she'll say yes."
"Why?" asked James sharply. "Do you know something?"
He rolled his eyes. "Give me a break, Prongs. How would I know anything like that? Lily never really--"
"Never really what?" asked a voice behind him. The wide-eyed look of surprise on his friend's face almost made James burst out laughing. Instead he bit his lip and grinned. Sirius recovered quickly, though.
"Never really trusted me," he finished, turning around with a challenging look.
Lily leaned closer and lowered her voice, as if sharing a secret. "I still don't. What were you really going to say?"
"I was going to say 'liked me' but I know that can't possibly be true." He opened his arms, palms up, and grinned. "What's not to like?"
Lily burst out laughing and patted him on the cheek; his eyes went wide again at her patronizing touch. "I think you are a devious, annoying, pompous prat, but I still like you, Sirius."
Sirius seemed slightly speechless; he could only shake his head in resignation. "You always surprise me, Evans. James, I leave you to her. Good night."
And he once again left them alone, hurrying out into the night to catch up with Peter. James watched him go before he turned back to Lily with a shrug.
"You nailed the annoying bit," he said. "Devious, too."
Lily laughed. "But he's still a good man. He probably needs to be reminded of it more, but I couldn't resist."
"No," said James, laughing with her. "That wouldn't help the pompous part, so it's a good thing you didn't." He tried not to watch the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed and looked away.
"Are you leaving?" Lily asked after an awkward silence fell between them.
"If I can stay awake long enough to get out the door, yes," James said, and he stifled a yawn just thinking about it. "I'm still exhausted."
"Me too," said Lily. "But do you want to walk together? I would have last night but I'm sure I would have fallen asleep halfway back."
"I still might," said James, trying not to let his sudden nerves show. "But yes, I would like to. Especially if Dumbledore is talking about retaliation."
She rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, James--I'll protect you."
He pretended to sputter indignantly, then laughed with her once more as they left the meeting together and headed into the cold night. It had started to snow during the meeting, and enough had fallen to cover the ground with a layer of white fluff. It was only a short walk to Lily's flat, and after asking about Orsino once more, James fell into silence, unsure what to say, but oddly comfortable with saying nothing. Really, he was happy to just be there with her, walking her home as if they were on a date. Maybe he was too tired to feel otherwise; he'd likely regret it in the morning and wish he'd acted differently, actually said something.
Yet Lily didn't say anything either and seemed content as well. She walked very close to him, her hand brushing against his as they took their time on the snowy pavement. He let his fingers trail against hers in turn, each touch sending small shocks through his body, his breathing quickening even though he tried not to think about it, about her, in that way.
When they came to the door leading up to her flat, they simply stood there awkwardly, as if unsure how to say goodbye after all that had happened between them. The last time James had walked her back, he had stopped himself from kissing her, because his fear and doubt did not want to see him rejected again. Yet so much had changed in a week: they had shared several meals together, spending hours talking. He had taught her how to cast the charm that would enable her hazy Patronus to speak. They had fought side-by-side together at Orsino's. Standing there, gazing into her eyes, James sensed something was different. He felt it in his gut, in his heart beating feverishly against his ribs.
But still he doubted, and so they continued to stand on the doorstep, not touching, not talking, barely even breathing. The snow fell around them, landing without notice on their faces--his glasses, her lips, the wisps of hair that lay on her shoulders. Their eyes met, but Lily looked away, and in that moment he saw something that changed his mind. He decided to risk it again. He had done it before, at St. Mungo's when he had been lying in bed, and she had been tending him. He had begged her for another chance, and when she hadn't answered, he had suddenly, explosively, and passionately kissed her, taking her face in his hands and desperately hoping she would say yes.
She hadn't said anything, which he had only heard as no.
This time he approached her slowly, almost hesitatingly. As he leaned toward her, he closed his eyes because he couldn't bear to see the rejection on her face. His hands came up without even thinking about it and gently cupped her cheeks. He did not pull her toward him, but came forward until his lips met hers, tenderly at first, and then with more feeling as he felt that tiny, familiar catch in her breathing that he remembered so well.
He wanted to pull her toward him, wrap his arms around her and run them down her back. He wanted to kiss her until they were both breathless and bruised and desperate for more. But more than anything, he just wanted her to know that he still loved her, and always would, whether she returned his feelings or not.
He ended it slowly, stepping back from the kiss before letting his hands fall. Lily had not closed her eyes, but gazed at him with lips parted, her pupils wide; he imagined them filled with pity. He hung his head, but decided he had nothing left to lose, so he took a deep breath and spoke.
"Can you honestly say you don't feel anything?" he asked, his voice a hoarse whisper as he looked up and met her stunned gaze. "For me? For us?"
She stared at him, eyes still wide, but she did not answer, and he shook his head with a crooked, sad smile. "I see," he said. He ran a hand through his hair and laughed nervously. "That's why you didn't return my letters, why you didn't visit, why you didn't answer. You really don't. Not anymore."
It was the hardest thing he had ever done, but he did it anyway: he stepped forward and simply kissed her on the cheek, tucking a stray hair under her hat. He smiled, though it hurt to even try. "I'll stop asking, but I won't stop caring. I love you, Lily Evans."
And he finally turned, ready to walk away and leave her behind forever. The first step was agony as his heart pounded furiously in his chest; it was all he could do to keep breathing without gasping for air.
Suddenly he was gasping for air as he felt himself hurled backwards, all the breath in his lungs leaving his body with one great whoosh as he landed violently on the pavement. He immediately knew something was broken, but even worse, he felt himself struggling to stay conscious: he had hit his head hard.
Lily was immediately hovering over him, her face a terrified and very blurry double vision. "Go," he said, fighting the urge to close his eyes. "Get help."
"I'm not leaving you, not after that," she said, but he didn't understand. A bolt of red light flew toward him and he vaguely thought that he needed to get his wand and cast a Shield Charm before Lily was hit, but she blocked it, then brushed the hair from his face.
"Nice one, Evans," he said, and tried to sit up, but he couldn't; he was too dizzy. He felt like if he moved he'd vomit, and he was fairly sure there was something wet on the back of his head that he didn't want to confirm was his own blood. "Now get out of here."
She grimaced as a spell caught her across her upper arm, then stood and threw one back in the direction it had come from, standing in front of him to shield him. A jet of purple light raced toward her in return, but she deflected it to the side, then cast a powerful Body Bind curse that had the desired effect. Their unseen enemy grunted and the spells stopped for a few seconds, before a second assailant continued the attack.
"Go!" James said, once again struggling to roll over, at least get to his knees. He couldn't. Lily glared down at him as she put up a Shield Charm for them both to hold back the jets of yellow light racing toward them; a Stinging Hex fired back stopped them for a brief moment.
"Lay down, James," she said. "You've hit your head hard. We need to get you out of here."
"Call the Order," he mumbled, his words sounding slurred to his own ears. "Headquarters isn't far." Her eyes widened in alarm at the weak sound of his voice.
"Just stay still, James," she said, and he heard a desperate plea to her tone he hadn't heard before. "You'll be all right if you just hang on."
He wanted to believe her, but his head hurt too much. And he wanted to close his eyes, but he knew if he did he might not open them again. So he watched as she cast a Patronus, and if he had had the energy, he would have gasped in shock as a very distinct silver doe flowed from the tip of her wand and floated before her.
"Oh Evans, you're in trouble now," he murmured, and he could just make out Lily shaking her head, probably in exasperation. She cast the second spell, spoke her message into the golden orb, and sent the Patronus on its way just as their attackers began firing on them again.
Only this time, it was clear there were now more.
"Bloody hell," Lily said under her breath, blocking a harsh Stunning Spell. "I hope someone gets here quick."
"Just concentrate," James said, and he fumbled for his wand only to feel an excruciating pain shoot through his arm. Ah, it was his wrist that was broken then; he must have landed on it when the spell that had hit him had flung him backward so violently. He laid his wrist on his chest and groped about with his other hand, but either his wand was beneath him or it had tumbled away; he was still defenseless, and Lily was now facing at least four attackers instead of one or two.
"You can do it," he repeated. "Just focus on defense. Sneak in some offense if you can."
She blocked a jinx, then another, casting a Shield Charm as another spell crashed against it with increasing force. "Thanks for the advice, Professor Potter," she snapped, and James couldn't help it: he laughed. But it hurt his head, and he stopped.
"I'll be quiet," he said, and this time he did close his eyes. He could barely move, what was the point of fighting it anymore? He had to trust that Lily would hold until someone from the Order arrived, or that when their attackers overpowered them, death would be swift. He certainly hoped for the former rather than the latter, but as he listened, more spells sped toward them, Lily swore under her breath again, and he began to lose that hope.
"Lily, I'm sorry about--" he started, intending to apologize for everything he had ever put her through, including kissing her just moments before. But to her surprise, she kicked his foot; his eyes flew open. "Ouch."
"Shut up, James," she said, and instead of snapping, this time she was preternaturally calm. "Don't apologize for anything. And don't close your eyes again. I still haven't answered you."
"Lily, I don't need an answer," he said, but he did close his eyes because he simply couldn't keep them open any longer. He kept talking as another spell zoomed toward them, and he heard it ricochet off her shield. "Right now I just want you to get out of this alive."
"She'll be fine," said a voice next him. It sounded remarkably like Alice Longbottom. When he opened his eyes, he saw her kneeling beside him, frowning as she glanced into his face. Above him, Frank and Remus had stepped in front of Lily and were working on both defending their position and ending the attack that had taken them so suddenly by surprise.
"That's one down," he heard Frank call, and Remus said something in response that was lost as a bolt of red light crashed into the building above them and sent bits of rock tumbling down.
"Lily, can you Apparate?" Remus called over his shoulder. Lily was brushing stone from her shoulders with a grim look on her face.
"Yes, but I want to finish this," she said, and her voice was cold as ice.
"James needs to get to St. Mungo's," said Alice, standing and facing her. "I'm fresh, you're hit. Get him out of here and we'll cover you."
"No," Lily started, and James coughed to get their attention.
"Let her finish," he said, and offered a grin to whoever was looking. "I'm fine down here for now. Just make it quick."
He heard Remus snort in front of him as Alice stepped away with a reluctant nod. Now it would be at least four against three unless their attackers called for backup. James heard one of the enemy yell in pain as a spell hit him, then the crack of Apparition as he apparently thought better of getting hit again and left the scene.
The last assailant standing sent a few more spells their way, but he was too outnumbered. He created a distraction as he set fire to the awning of the bookshop behind them before Apparating away from the scene. James wondered if they had left behind their fallen colleagues, but there was another crack, and he suspected at least one more had escaped. He watched Frank Longbottom put out the small fire before hurrying toward the area where their attackers had been.
"All clear, Prongs," said Remus, kneeling beside him. "Lily, how bad is it?"
James glanced up at Lily. She was watching Frank, but her eyes were distant and glassy. "Hey Evans," he said, forcing his voice to sound light. "A little help down here would be appreciated."
She shook herself and bent down. James could see her shaking now as the adrenaline left her abruptly weak and exhausted; he remembered the feeling well from previous battles. She took a deep breath. "Worse than Christmas, Remus. He's hit his head hard. We need to keep him flat when we Apparate him." She conjured a long wooden board, then motioned to Remus that they should carefully move him over. James felt an excruciating pain in his head as he was levitated mere inches to the board, but bit his tongue to avoid saying anything. He didn't mention his wrist either.
"Do a Side-Along with the board," she said, standing. Alice Longbottom was covering them while Frank scouted the street for more Death Eaters. "I'll follow."
James reached up with his good hand. "Lily." She turned toward him, and he knew she was about to break down, only she didn't want him to see it, that's why she wasn't going with him. He gave her a crooked grin and hoped she knew that he understood--perfectly. He had vomited after his first real battle in the Order, and not from injury. "You were brilliant," he told her. "Thanks."
She just nodded; her lower lip was quivering. Remus glanced from her to James, and James simply nodded; no words were needed. Remus stood and said something quietly to Alice, who joined James instead. "Let's get you to St. Mungo's," she said gently. She took the sides of his board and prepared to Apparate.
The last thing James saw was Remus putting his arms around Lily as she finally broke down in tears. He wished he could be the one holding her, but he finally let himself drift into unconsciousness as Alice whisked him away to safety, hoping Lily would soon follow.
* * *
Honestly by Gmariam
Chapter Endnotes: James dies. The end.
;-)
I am kidding! Haha! Although I have killed him before...but no, I don't feel like adding an AU tag. So no worries. There are still a few more chapters. I'm not sure what they are, so I'm going to order some Italian food and pry it out of James when he regains consciousness.
And I may or may not be kidding about that. ;)
Also! The kiss in this chapter was inspired by a beautiful piece of fanart by the brilliant anxiouspineapples over at DeviantArt. It was one of the first things I wrote--it inspired this entire story, really--and I encourage you to explore her gorgeous gallery of James/Lily art over there! It always gives me tingles. :)