Chapter Eight - Honesty
The next day dawned clear and cold. James woke up late after a restless night. He had tossed and turned until close to dawn, his mind endlessly trying to make sense of Lily's visit hours the previous night. At times he wondered if was a dream: had he really seen a silver doe? What did it mean? Did it mean anything at all or was he just searching for something that wasn't there?
When he finally came down to the kitchen, he found his father waiting with coffee and a late breakfast. He asked after James's night, and James confessed quickly that Lily had stopped by, knowing he would not be able to hide it from his father. Harrington nodded knowingly.
"I thought I heard someone talking last night," he said. "How did it go?"
"What do you mean, how did it go?" asked James, helping himself to some coffee as well. "We just talked, dad. That's all."
His father laughed as he set down his mug. "I certainly wasn't asking about that, James. No need to go there."
James just smiled and shook his head as he tucked into his breakfast. He felt his father studying him, however, and looked up when he could ignore it no longer.
"What?" he asked. "I told you, we just talked."
"I know," his father said. "But what did she want to talk about at such an hour?"
"She came after her shift--to check on me, I guess." James shrugged. His father continued to watch him curiously, until James set down his fork and addressed the issue. "Look, I know you said she needed some time to think things through, but she came to see me. I went for a walk, and when I came back she was standing on the porch. I made her some hot chocolate, and we talked."
"That's great, son." Harrington sipped at his coffee, but did not say anything as he watched James over the edge of the mug. That was what he did: with a simple, silent look, he had always been able to pull anything out of James, no matter how determined James was to resist. His mother had always peppered him with questions, but his father waited him out, his force of will demanding a response. James sighed, knowing it was a lost cause.
"We didn't talk about much, really," he told his father, hoping it would appease him. "She said it was too late. She wants to talk tonight at dinner."
Harrington nodded. "That's good. Where are you taking her, then?"
"I don't know," James replied. "She wanted to go to a Muggle restaurant. An Italian place."
"Ah." James was starting to feel annoyed. At the same time, given what his father had said about Lily, he did want his father's support. He decided, however, that he was not going to play the game, and just came straight to the point.
"Stop it, dad," he said. "Enough with the looks and all that. Just come out and ask whatever it is you want to ask."
"Actually, I don't really have anything," Harrington laughed. "I just like giving you a hard time."
"I'm too old for that," James grumbled amicably as he returned to his breakfast.
"You're never too old for your old man to give you a hard time." His father eyed him thoughtfully. "But I do wonder if you know what she wanted to talk about."
There it was: the very thing that had kept him up all night. James stopped once more and leaned back, raising his eyes to the ceiling. The dull headache he had felt since he had woken up in the hospital was almost gone, but he rubbed at the back of his head anyway to release the tension he felt after such a restless night. He talked to the ceiling.
"I'm not really sure, dad. She said she wanted to talk about us. But I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing." He brought his eyes back down. "Do you have any idea?" he demanded. "You said you talked to her quite a bit while I was in the hospital and you were all sitting around watching me sleep."
Harrington stood and poured himself more coffee. "I did, which was why I thought it was best for you to let her sort things out before you did anything."
"Like what?" James asked.
"Bring up that kiss," his father replied. "Or that ring you've been carrying around for months."
"I put it away at Christmas," James mumbled, slightly embarrassed that his father knew he'd carried the ring for so long.
"I'm glad you finally did. I was starting to get worried. But if it helps, James, I think it's a good sign she's come to see you first," his father offered.
"It doesn't help much, no," James replied, and he was silent. A sudden thought had occurred to him. "Dad, what was your Patronus? I don't know the last time I saw you conjure one."
His father looked surprised. "It's not something I've had to do in years. I've had no reason to cast that spell, fortunately enough."
"I remember you doing it a few times when I was younger," James said thoughtfully. "When I was scared of the dark. It was some sort of small animal, wasn't it?"
Harrington nodded. "It's a challenging spell, you know. I'm not sure I could still do it, but when I could, it was a fox."
James remembered the silver fox bounding about his room, and his father's tired smile afterward. It was a difficult spell, though James had always managed it fairly well. He needed to, as the Order used Patronuses to send messages. He considered his second question, his mind racing as he started to make connections he wasn't sure he should make yet.
"What was mum's?" he asked.
His father smiled, and the wistful look of remembering someone he loved and missed crossed his face. "She had no problems with the spell, but she didn't need to cast it much either. The few times she conjured one, it was a vixen."
James felt his face freeze. His parents had been happily married for decades. He knew it probably hadn't been perfect all those years, yet he also knew they had loved one another fiercely and that his father missed her terribly. They were soulmates, in every sense of the word…and apparently their Patronuses had reflected that as well.
He didn't want to think about what that meant for him and Lily. He shook his head of the very thought and returned to his breakfast. Perhaps it was just something unique to his parents. Either way, he needed to get back to his flat and talk to Sirius before that night.
"Why the lesson in magic, James?" his father asked him quietly. "Does it have something to do with what we were talking about earlier?" James nodded without looking up, and his father continued. "Then I hope I helped and didn't make it worse."
"No dad," James finally replied, glancing up with a crooked smile. "You didn't make it worse. Just a bit more confusing."
Harrington reached across the table and laid a hand on James's shoulder. "It always is, son. That's just the nature of love."
James sighed: he was tired of being confused. When he saw Lily that night, he hoped they could settle things between them once and for all.
* * *
James made sure to arrive early at the Leaky Cauldron that evening. He brought a single white flower that he Disillusioned as he waited so that he could surprise Lily with it at the right time. As he paced nervously in front of the pub, he thought back to his conversation with Sirius that afternoon…
"I don't know what to tell you, Prongs," Sirius said. "You two are more complicated than Transfiguration theory sometimes."
"That's not very helpful," James grumbled. "You saw her more than I did while I was in the hospital. What do you think she's going to want to talk about? Something good or something bad?"
Sirius was silent. "James, I really don’t want to get your hopes up…"
"They already are. Bring them down so I'm not disappointed." He waited patiently for his friend to reply. Sirius sighed.
"I can't. I think…well, I think she's come around." He paused and raised an eyebrow. "Again. Like she did last year after you kept badgering her."
"I didn't badger her," James protested. "And does that mean you think she wants to be with me again?" Sirius nodded, however reluctantly, and James pressed him. "Do you know that? Did she say something?"
"Merlin, James--she doesn't talk to me about that kind of stuff, you know that. She just seemed so worried. And she said things that make me think that yes, she wants to try again."
"What things?" he demanded, wanting to be sure, but Sirius threw up his hands in exasperation.
"I don't know what things exactly. Just things." He put his hands on James's shoulders as if to calm him. "Look, I'm sorry I said anything. Just relax."
"I can't relax," James practically exclaimed, feeling a bit wild around the edges. "I want to think you're right…because I saw something last night that makes me think so…but I also don't want to make another mistake." In the end, he did not tell Sirius about Lily's Patronus. For all he knew, it was possible Sirius was already aware of it. Remus had been the one to receive her message at Headquarters the night they were attacked, after all. He must have seen it, and even if he hadn't said anything to James, he certainly would have told Sirius and Peter. They were all probably just waiting to take the mickey at the right time.
"You've already botched it with her twice, what's another?" James punched him on the arm, and Sirius pretended to moan.
"Don't hit the messenger," he said. "You asked."
"And you're not helping."
"Okay, here's my advice: let her do the talking. And if you really want to be prepared for whatever she says…take the ring with you."
James let his mouth fall open in shock as he stared at his friend. "You do know something!"
Sirius laughed. "No, I really don't. I just think this might be it." He gave James a slightly embarrassed look. "I know I said to get over her a few weeks ago--I've even got us a date for next week, maybe Moony will be interested--but you've been through a lot with her recently. That kiss alone--"
"--knocked me flat on my arse," James pointed out.
"And she didn't leave you there, she stayed and protected you. She sat with you every day at the hospital." Sirius stopped to think again, then took a deep breath before continuing. "I know you still love her. I think this past week might have shown her that she still loves you as well."
"Bloody hell, Sirius, you're getting my hopes up." James couldn't help but grin, though. He knew he shouldn't take Sirius's advice on women most of the time, but he did anyway: it made him almost giddy to think of getting back together with Lily. He felt like Sirius might be right, and he couldn't help but think it had something to do with the silver doe, though he did not tell Sirius that.
"I know, I'm sorry," Sirius said. "I'm just being honest. And if I'm wrong, I'll kick myself for saying anything."
"I'll kick you too," James replied, then laughed. "But I'm not taking the ring with me. Even if she does want to get together again, that doesn't mean I can just propose out of the blue and live happily ever after. I can't take that risk again, that it's too soon to even think about it yet alone bring it up."
"Ever?" asked Sirius, sounding curious. "What if she is the one?"
James smiled as he thought about the silver doe. She was the one: he had always known that. He just hoped she did some day. "Then I want her to realize it herself, and not because I asked again and she couldn't say no."
"Good luck, then," Sirius replied. "I hope she realizes it soon."
The unsaid "Before it's too late" hung in the air, but James pushed it aside as he left to meet Lily for dinner…
"James?"
He turned at the sound of the voice calling his name to find Lily gazing at him curiously. "Hi." For some reason, that was all that came out; he shook himself out of his bemused reverie, and she frowned.
"Are you feeling all right?" she asked. "You look a bit…well, dazed."
He tried to smile reassuringly, but he did feel unusually anxious. Then again, he reminded himself, he had only been out of St. Mungo's for two days. He was still tired, still recovering. He had slept poorly the night before and had finally taken a pain potion when his headache had returned that afternoon. James took a deep breath and tried again.
"I'm fine," he told her. "I was just thinking."
She cocked her head curiously. "About what? Something good, I hope."
He laughed. "Not sure. Something Sirius said, and you know him."
She laughed with him and motioned toward the right. They started walking down Charring Cross Road together, and James felt his nerves begin to relax. He was in London with Lily and until he had a reason not to, he would enjoy his time with her.
"You're not going to tell me, are you?" she asked, almost sounding playful.
"Of course not," he replied, glancing sideways at her and matching the tone of her voice. She was wearing her brown cloak over a midnight blue dress with matching boots. Her hair was long and loose, and she looked beautiful. "It's probably not fit for sharing."
"I can believe that," she replied. "Oh well. I'll just have to wonder if it was about me, I suppose."
He rolled his eyes, then stopped, touching her arm so she stopped with him. "I almost forgot. This is for you." He held out the flower, still invisible. She gave him a skeptical look.
"Yes?" she asked after a moment. He grinned again, cast the silent spell he had been waiting for, and watched as the flower slowly revealed itself in his hands. She smiled broadly at him. "It's lovely!"
He bowed his head as he handed it to her, a ridiculous bit of pomp that his friends would certainly give him a hard time for, but he knew she liked it, and he wasn't trying to impress his friends, he was…well, he was trying to make Lily happy. He handed her the large white daisy.
"I know you like them," he replied. "I would have got you a lily--"
"Only you know I hate them." She laughed as she took the flower. "Thank you, James. Thank you for remembering."
"I couldn't forget," he murmured, turning away and continuing down the street with her. She linked her arm in his, and he tried not to jump in surprise. Merlin, he had missed walking with her, arm in arm or hand in hand. They hadn't had much time together at Hogwarts, but it all came crashing back with her touch, and he almost closed his eyes as he was overwhelmed by the memories of being with her.
"…just a few more streets over and we'll be there." She bumped him with her shoulder. "You still with me? Or are you worried about another attack?"
He hadn't thought about it once since they had left the pub and was filled with guilt as he glanced around the street, looking for threats. He nodded, even though it wasn't true, and Lily sighed.
"We should be fine," she murmured. "I set a Muggle-Repelling charm on us both as soon as we met outside the pub."
"That won't repel Death Eaters," he replied, glancing down at her. "And I didn't even feel it."
"I'm good at Charms," she replied with a wink. "And it's a variation--it will keep just about anyone from seeing us as anything other than a regular young couple out for a date. They'd have to be looking for us pretty hard to see otherwise."
"We're not a regular couple," he pointed out. "And are we on a date? I thought we were just going to talk." He affected an innocent air, even though his heart had sped up at the idea of actually being on a date with her again.
She glanced up at him, and he was certain she was going to roll her eyes, however affectionately, but instead they were very intense, very honest. "Yes, I'd like to think of it as a date. Our last several meals were more like working arrangements, and I'd like to enjoy this one a bit more."
"A date," he said, pretending to be thinking. He was forcing the confidence a bit, but then again, sometimes when you pretended you were confident, the confidence actually appeared. "I feel like I'm back in seventh year, Evans, and you've just agreed to go out with me."
"Biggest mistake I ever made," she laughed.
"You didn't have to say yes," he pointed out.
"How else was I going to stop you from bothering me all the time?" she asked.
He glanced down at her and grinned. "That was probably the only way. But it wasn't that bad, was it?"
The way she looked at him made his heart jump in his chest: she smiled and nodded, and laid her head on his shoulder.
"It wasn't that bad at all, James," she said very softly, and he held back a sigh, because he wanted to ask her why, then? Why had she left him, why had she refused to answer him not once, but twice now? But he didn't, and they walked in silence through the crowded Muggle streets, turning north toward a small square tucked into a quiet Muggle neighborhood.
"It's just the other side of the square," she said, straightening up and leading the way. It was a small, fenced in area, the previous night's snow trampled down by Muggles long since. There were several statues dotted about and a small quaint cottage in the center of the lawn. James was no stranger to Muggle London, but he had not been in that particular area, and he found it both picturesque and charming. There were park benches all around the square, and Lily led him to one not far from the cottage, sitting and pulling him down next to her.
"I like this area," she said, gazing about at the buildings both old and new surrounding the small square. "I thought about finding a place to live here, but it's dreadfully expensive, and it just didn't feel safe right now, even if it is relatively close to Diagon Alley."
James nodded, wondering why they had really stopped. "It's nice," he said, and plunged on. "But that's not why we're here, is it?"
She turned to him and smiled. "No, it's not. After that last comment, I couldn't stand it any longer. I wanted to talk to you before we got to the restaurant."
"All right," he said, letting her take the lead for once. "What are we talking about, exactly?"
She gazed at him for the longest time, her face a mixture of sadness and confusion and hesitation and affection. It frankly amazed him that she could feel so many things at once, but it was clear from the look in her eyes that she did, and he could tell she was having a hard time starting, especially after she gazed down at her hands for the third time.
So he reached over and tilted her chin up, very much tempted to kiss her but knowing he shouldn't…at least not yet. Maybe things would turn out that way, but if they didn't, he didn't want to regret yet another mistake with her. So he smiled at her instead, his heart thumping madly in his chest. "Tell me," he said gently.
She laid a hand to her cheek, caressing his fingers with her own, then intertwining them and laying them in her lap. "You're so patient," she said. "How can you be so patient?"
He laughed softly. "I'm faking it. I'm really bursting inside."
She nodded in understanding. "Me too. You know, it was one week ago that we were having dinner at Orsino's when it was attacked."
"Yes," he replied, mostly just to show he was listening.
"And then you got hit," she said, her voice even quieter, and now she was looking away from him. "I still can't get the image out of my head, of you laying there, so quiet, so still…" She met his look, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "I have never been so scared in my life, James."
He wondered if this were the first time she was addressing the two attacks, a full week later. He knew it was hard, those first skirmishes; it needed to be processed both physically and emotionally. He and Sirius had tried to get drunk after their first fight with Death Eaters once they were out of Hogwarts; they had failed, still too much in shock, and had ended up sitting around Headquarters with Moody all night listening to the old Auror tell tales that left them wide-eyed and thankful to be alive, and even more determined to continue the fight.
He knew Lily had talked to Dumbledore, and to his father, so surely she had at least started to deal with all that had happened in the past week. He squeezed her hand in support, wanting to be there for her in any way he could.
"I know how you feel," he said. "I felt the same way the first few times I was out there fighting. It's nothing like I thought it would be--" He stopped when she shook her head.
"No, that's not what I mean." She moved closer to him, their legs touching; he tried not to gaze down, but she was so warm against him he found it harder to concentrate. "I have never been so scared that I might lose you."
He glanced away, a lump in his throat. What was he supposed to say? Other than something trite along the lines of him having survived after all? He tried to be reassuring. "Lily, I'm all right now--"
"I was scared I might lose you," she repeated, "before I had the chance to tell you that I love you."
He inhaled sharply as he turned to face her. "What?"
"I love you," she whispered, biting her lip but smiling. "Or rather, I still love you. I'm sure I've never stopped because I've missed you so, so much. James, I'm --"
He stopped her before she could finish, taking her face in his hands and kissing her hard, unlike the gentle kiss outside of her flat before he had been hit. And this time she returned it with equal passion, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around his neck, sending shivers all the way down his spine. He could stayed like that all night, content to kiss her forever under the cold stars, but eventually she pulled back and laid her forehead against his.
"James, I am so sorry," she said softly, and he stopped her again, this time by shaking his head.
"What are you talking about?" he asked. "What do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who should be apologizing--"
She laughed, a warm, relaxed, and almost relieved laugh. "But you haven't done anything wrong. I'm the one who's treated you so badly these past six weeks. Sometimes I can't believe you even want to see me."
"Of course I want to see you, Lily," he exclaimed. "Why wouldn't I? What are you talking about?" he asked again. He was trying to understand, but his thoughts were still too stunned to really wrap his mind around what she was saying. Her blunt confession was more than he could have possibly hoped for, and he barely knew how to respond.
Lily took a deep breath, and he could tell she was determined to talk--really talk. And then he knew what she was finally going to tell him: why she had virtually ignored him at Christmas, why she hadn't answered his owls, or his questions since. Why she had changed her mind. He took her hand once more in support, silently encouraging her, and she smiled gratefully at him.
"When Remus brought you to St. Mungo's at Christmas, I didn't know what to think, what to feel," she began. "I hadn't seen you for so long, and then to see you hurt so badly--it was frightening."
"It wasn't much fun for me either," he murmured, but he gave her a smile to let her know he was teasing, and she continued.
"And then when you kissed me and asked for another chance…Oh James." She gazed at him with tears in her eyes. "I wanted to, I really did. But I was so scared. I didn't know what to say, what to do."
"Scared of what?" he asked, though he could probably guess. Why would she want to get involved with him again if she had already turned him down once? She had probably been worried about rejecting him again.
"I was scared of losing you," she said. "Forever. Don't you understand? I didn't want to say yes only to see you die in this damn war. I couldn't stand the idea. I didn't want to even think about it."
He nodded slowly, because it wasn't really what he had been expecting. Yet he could understand now why she had avoided him for so long after that fateful encounter at Christmas: sometimes the risk of getting hurt, of losing someone, was too great to overcome.
"So I tried not to think about what had happened, or about you," Lily continued, and now she was gazing into the distance, as if remembering those long weeks when he had sent owls, sent flowers, sent her birthday wishes. They had all been ignored. "But I couldn't," she finally whispered. "I wanted to be with you, I really did."
"Then why--" he started, and she shook her head to stop him.
"I thought about asking you to give up the Order, but I couldn't ask you to do that for me. I knew you wouldn't. So then I got angry. I was so mad, that you would risk your life for strangers and not protect it for me. I was furious at you for something that was all in my head," she finished with a rueful laugh.
"I would have done anything for you, Lily," he said, also staring into the distance. "I still would. You must know that."
"And you know I couldn't ask you to do something like that. So I was just as upset with myself for even thinking it as I was with you for not doing it. And I tried to stop thinking about it--about you, about us, about the Order and the war…only I couldn't."
James was silent as he thought about what she was implying. "Is that why you joined the Order?" he finally asked, slightly stunned when she nodded.
"It wasn't just you," she said quickly. "Caradoc was in and out of the hospital visiting his father, and he really helped me understand how important it was, what you were all doing. I was so scared of losing you and angry at myself for thinking you should quit that I finally realized the only thing I could do was join myself. Share the risk. Maybe make a difference so we could be together."
"Lily, I don't know what to say," James said, shaking his head once more. "I'm shocked. All this time I thought I'd messed up so badly that you never wanted to see me or talk to me again. And now you're saying you joined the Order because of me?"
"I joined the Order because I want to help," she said firmly. "And because I love you and want to share the risk with you, that someday we might not make it out alive. I want to fight by your side, James, because at least then we can be together."
His heart was beating wildly; he was still speechless as he looked away. After a few moments Lily turned his face to hers and kissed him gently on the lips. "I've been terrible at giving you straight answers lately," she said. "I hope that helps."
He nodded, still unable to speak. He had a dozen different questions that suddenly didn't seem to matter. He just wanted to kiss her once more and hold her and never let her go…
"But there are still some I haven't answered," she continued. "You asked me if I could honestly tell you that I didn't feel anything when we kissed outside my flat."
He let a small smile tug at the corners of his lips. "And?"
"And I can't tell you that, because I've felt it since the moment I saw you at the Order meeting two weeks ago," she replied. "I felt it that night, and every other time we were together. I feel it every time I'm with you, James."
"I never stopped feeling it," he said, his voice barely a husky whisper.
"I know. For some reason, you've never given up on me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world, I think." He snorted rather inelegantly, but she laughed and batted him on the shoulder. "No, I'm serious. You asked me for another chance once, and I never gave you an answer, yet you still waited. All this time."
"So do you have an answer for me now?" he asked playfully, knowing her answer. He couldn't help but turn and begin to kiss her ear, then her neck, and was rewarded when she squirmed beneath his touch.
"I would love another chance if it's not too late," she said, and she turned to kiss him once more, running her hands through his hair and across his shoulders, down his back and up his neck to his face again in the way he had loved so much at Hogwarts, had missed so much since. It was all he could do to stop from throwing her down on the bench right then.
"It's not too late," he murmured between kisses. "But we missed New Year's."
"And Valentine's Day," she added.
"There's still my birthday," he said, the ridiculous statement slipping out before he could stop it. She tried to stifle a giggle before they both exploded with laughter, chortling long and loud as the tension and relief poured forth in such an unexpected way. That was their night so far: unexpected.
"I'll plan something extra special," she promised when they finally caught their breath. "And James…about that other question…"
He frowned as she snuggled into his side, his arms wrapped warmly around her shoulders. "What other question?" he asked, trying to think of what she was referring to.
"The one you asked me on the last day of school," she replied, so quietly he could barely hear her. She did not turn to gaze up at him; instead, she traced patterns on his leg, as if too nervous to face him. Or maybe she was trying to seduce him right then and there, he wasn't sure.
"Oh." Shock, once more. "You don't mean, the one with the…by the lake…do you?"
"Yes, that one," she replied, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "The one with the ring. I just wanted to say I'm sorry I said no. Because it was a beautiful ring…and because I was wrong."
James felt a sudden stinging warmth on the side of his leg; it startled him so much he actually jumped up and reached into his the pocket of his trousers. Lily caught herself before falling over and stared at him, hand clasped to her mouth.
"Oh gods, I've said too much, too soon!" she exclaimed, and she stood with him, her face concerned. "I'm sorry--Merlin, I am really making a mess of this, aren't I?"
"No…no, it's okay," James said, and he couldn't help but grin. "It's not your fault--it was Sirius." He actually laughed out loud as he fingered the small gold ring that was in his pocket, still warm. It had probably burned a hole in his trousers and left a welt on his leg, but Sirius wouldn't have cared about that. He had told James to take it with him, just in case, and when James had refused, Sirius had obviously slipped it into his pocket somehow…and charmed it to get his attention, probably if anything about the ring or marriage came up as they talked.
Lily was eyeing him strangely. "What do you mean, Sirius? Did he do something?"
He thought about not saying anything, or at least saying something else, but he decided that honesty was best, as she had been completely honest with him so far. He pulled the ring out of his pocket, and Lily gasped.
"James, were you going to--" she started, and he laughed, sudden nerves overcoming him.
"No, that's just it--I wasn't," he said, and he tried not to watch her face for a reaction. "Sirius told me I should bring it, but I told him I couldn't…that I didn't want to try again until I knew there was some hope of getting a better answer."
"So he sent it along anyway?" she asked, and now she was smiling as she stepped closer. He thought she was trying not to look at it; he put it in his other pocket, so it wasn't there between them, awkward and uncomfortable.
"With some sort of Warming Charm, I'd wager," James added. "I'm really going get him for this."
Lily was even closer. "Why?" she asked curiously, and she stepped up to his chest and embraced him. "At least I know you still have it."
"I kept it in my pocket for months," James said, thinking of those first few weeks especially, last summer when everything had seemed so bleak. He had literally carried the ring with him everywhere, a strange comfort in his heartbreak and confusion. He only put it away at Christmas.
"You did?" she asked softly, looking up at him. "Why?"
"I don't know," he said, kissing her forehead. "Stubborness, stupidity, something like that…" She shook her head.
"Or hope," she said.
"Or hope," he agreed.
"I never stopped caring about you, you know," she said. "I thought about you all the time, about us--even about our future. It was just so sudden, so soon."
"So you said at the time," he replied dryly. "And you were probably right. But I had to ask, and I would have married you right then." The ring flared in his pocket, but he ignored it this time, knowing what it was.
"I know. I wish I had known then what I know now." Lily stepped back and glanced around the park. It wasn't that late, but it was oddly empty; perhaps it was simply too cold for any Muggles to enjoy what was really a beautiful night. Grinning slyly, Lily took out her wand and waved it silently; a shining silver doe flowed from the tip and hovered before her, and she looked at James with a question on her face, almost a challenge.
Hoping no one would see them--or that Lily's variation on a Muggle-Repelling Charm covered floating silver animals--James brought out his wand and cast his own Patronus, and the silver stag hovered next to the doe. It even moved closer, and to their amazement, nuzzled at it as if it were a living, breathing creature.
"You are in trouble now, Evans," James murmured, remembering clearly when Lily had cast the doe while he lay on the ground, injured. He had struggled to remember anything at all, but that, at least, he remembered, and he almost laughed out loud. He understood it now, as well: it really did mean something.
"I was in trouble a long time ago, James," she said, then cocked her head. "You seem to have that affect on me."
He didn't know how to respond, and just watched the doe and the stag nuzzle once more before beginning to fade. He wrapped his arms around the amazing woman in front of him, determined to never let go. Yet again she surprised him as she leaned into him and sighed.
"I wish I could change my answer," she said. He wasn't thinking clearly, and smiled over her head, not realizing what she meant.
"Which one again? Not about my birthday?"
"No, the one where you asked me to marry you."
The ring in his pocket flashed even hotter this time, although he managed to keep from jumping back. But Lily must have noticed, because he felt her smile against his chest. "Is it still charmed?"
"Apparently," he laughed. "Look, Lily, I don't know what I should say. I don't want to pull it out again just because Sirius charmed it to twitch every time it comes up."
She stepped back, wide-eyed, before suddenly doubling over with laughter. "What's so funny?" he demanded, and then the realization hit. "Ah. That came out very wrong, didn't it?"
She laughed even harder, and he joined her, and they laughed until their sides hurt and they collapsed on the bench once more. He idly wondered if they would ever make it to the restaurant at this point. Half an idea was forming in his head, though. Once they caught their breath again, he pulled her up and started walking.
"Enough talking and playing around. I want to start our real date," he said as she skipped to keep up with him.
"The restaurant is the other way," she called.
"Oh." He stopped and gave her a thoughtful look. "Are you really that desperate for Italian?" he asked, trying to sound innocent but suggestive; she picked up on his unsaid thought almost immediately.
"I am hungry," she replied teasingly. "But I could always go for something else."
"Don't Muggles do take away?" he asked.
"My place?" she suggested in return, and he grinned as he leaned down to kiss her.
"Brilliant."
He squeezed her hand and led the way back toward Diagon Alley, Lily by his side holding tight to his arm. He was almost dizzy with relief, or perhaps he was still tired and recovering. They did not talk, they simply hurried down the Muggle street, where they stopped quickly for food before returning to Diagon Alley through the Leaky Cauldron, still hand-in-hand.
It was a short walk to Lily's flat. Though he had walked this same route the night they were attacked, this time James did not worry about Death Eaters. He did not think about kissing Lily outside her flat or the long days of waiting for her response: he thought only of how perfect the night was and how it would only get better now that he was finally back together with the woman he loved--the woman he would marry.
The ring in his pocket glowed warmly against his skin, an ever-present reminder of a future that now seemed much more possible. He just needed to figure out how to make it a reality.
* * *
Honestly by Gmariam
Chapter Endnotes: Yes, the chapter title is 'Honesty' and not 'Honestly.' And no, I'm not sure if it's over yet. I feel like it could end here, but I also feel like there is a little bit more, at least in my head. I just don't want to drag it out. So we'll see. I'm not marking it complete yet. ;)
Thank you for all the lovely reviews!