~Irene Peter
II.
You glance over at Remus in class on Tuesday, but he avoids your gaze. He is sitting with Peter, and you are sitting with some Ravenclaw bookworm while Sirius continues to brood in the back. Although you had talked with Remus about working it out with Sirius, you haven't, not yet. You've been too confused.
Remus had kept his study date with Cynthia Morris. In fact, he had left the dorm early on Sunday and not returned much until well after dinner. You had tried to talk to him when he had returned, but it was desperately awkward. Monday was no better. So now you have lost another friend: one to his own demons, one to your stupidity.
What had you been thinking, touching him like that, kissing him? What had he been thinking? He had responded, but now he wouldn't talk to you, let alone look at you, so he must hate you. It's the only explanation. You spend most of class lost in your thoughts, barely listening to Flitwick drone on. When it's time for the practical lesson, your partner leaves you in disgust to talk to someone from his own house.
Lily Evans sits down as you wave your wand around dispiritedly. She coughs to get your attention, and you glance up into fiery green eyes that immediately set you off.
"Bloody hell, Evans, come to have another go right in the middle of class, then?"
Her eyes flare before she appears to smother the anger. "Actually, I came over here to be your partner."
"I have a partner," you grumble. Only you don't; he's obviously not coming back.
"He's left because you're so pathetic. Same as yesterday and the day before. What is going on with you four?" She actually sounds concerned, which is a far cry from the ear-splitting shrieks she threw at you last week. You wonder what's changed.
"Look," she continues, effortlessly performing the charm they were supposed to be practicing. "I'm sorry about last week. I overreacted. I know what happened in Potions wasn't your fault." She pauses and gazes into your eyes. "But what's going on? First it was Sirius, now there's something going on with Remus. People are starting to notice."
You feel your stomach twist in knots. "Notice what?" you manage.
"That you're not talking. That something is wrong. You're best friends, the four of you." She glances away, taking a deep breath. "Do you need to talk?"
"To you?" you can't help blurting, and she looks slightly insulted.
"Yes, to me," she replies. "I'm just offering--"
"Why aren't you offering to talk to Remus?" you interrupt. "I thought you two were actually friends, being prefects and all."
"And we're not friends," she says, nodding in a way that almost seems sad. "Right. Never mind then."
She stands up, but you reach for her arm and ask her to sit down again. Flitwick gives you a look, and you try your hand at the charm again, this time only managing to make a bit of smoke. You sigh, and Lily gives you a knowing look.
"So what's wrong, James?"
"Besides Sirius being a git?" you ask, hearing the bitter sarcasm.
"What's going on between you and Remus?" she asks. You can't help but glance over at Remus and Peter. Has Peter noticed anything? Is Remus talking to him about it? Because Peter will certainly tell Sirius once they're talking again, and then Merlin only knows what will happen…
"We had a row," you tell her with a shrug. "After Hogsmeade. It's been awkward ever since."
"So talk to him," she says almost instantly.
"Tried," you mutter. "He was definitely avoiding me the next day."
"And now you're avoiding each other," she says, nodding to herself, "because it's awkward. More awkward than talking about it?"
You shrug, and she narrows her eyes. "You're not going to tell me what happened, are you?" she asks.
"Can't," you reply.
"Or won't," she says. You snap.
"Look, Evans, are you trying to help me or get me to jinx you again? Back off, for Godric's sake."
She opens her mouth, then shuts it. "I'm sorry," she says, and you raise your eyebrows because you've heard that only once before from her. "I don't know what to say, I guess. But you need to work this out somehow. You're all too good of friends to let whatever's going on ruin that. You need each other."
She reaches out to pat your hand. A year or two ago you would have been thrilled at the kind words and warm touch; right now all you can think of is Remus, because she's right: you need him. You always have and always will with a moody bastard like Sirius as your other best friend. Thank Merlin Pete is so normal sometimes.
"Thanks, Evans," you say as she walks away. "You're all right sometimes." She turns and raises her eyebrows.
"You're not so bad yourself, Potter. Especially when you're actually having feelings."
You ignore the cutting remark and instead grab your quill to pen a quick note to Remus.
We need to stop avoiding each other. We should talk. Prefect's bathroom after class?
You fold it into a quick bird shape and send it flying low over the floor toward him, where it pokes him on the ankle. You watch as he opens it and takes a deep breath. Then he writes a response and sends it back.
I'm not sure that's the best place for us actually. A good walk might clear our heads.
You can't help but roll your eyes. Ever the pragmatist. You write back.
Bring your flask then. It's still cold as hell.
He unfolds it and snorts, then writes back.
That flask got us into trouble last time, you know. I'd make a joke about keeping each other warm in other ways, but I'm not sure how that would go over anymore.
You feel a flush creep up your neck as you think about you and Remus walking so closely together on the trip to and from Hogsmeade.
I'd ask about those other ways, but I don't want Flitwick to intercept this. And I don't even want to know what Pete is thinking looking over your shoulder. See you after class.
You send the last note over and turn back to your book. With a better mood, you quickly master the charm. Turning toward Remus, he gives you a smile that lifts your spirit even more. Peter is watching him oddly, though. And when you turn around to find Evans, you accidentally catch Sirius's eye, and he positively glowering.
Once you work things out with Remus, you can figure out how to mend things with Sirius. And hopefully then things will get back to some semblance of normal--maybe even in time for your birthday.
You nod at Peter, telling him you'll catch up at dinner and that things will be better between you and James by then. He asks about Sirius as well, and you just nod. He walks away, and you wait impatiently for James, vaguely wondering if he's got the map or the cloak with him, or if you'll even need them.
As you wait, you think about why it's taken three days to talk about what happened. He will probably ask, yet you are not really sure why you've been avoiding him, and you have no idea what to tell him. What happened in the prefect's bathroom had been unexpected…but amazing. Intense…yet confusing. And more than anything, a little bit frightening. Blokes didn't kiss other blokes around the castle. Sure, there were always rumors, but they were murmured with disgust or mockery. If anyone found out about you and James…if Sirius found out…
And that's what bothers you, when you look deep enough: you may be estranged from Sirius at the moment, but he is still one of your best friends, and it feels like a betrayal of some sort to up and snog your other best friend behind Sirius's back, particularly when things between the four of you are so uncomfortable at the moment. Somehow you don't think Peter would mind, but Sirius: Sirius is unpredictable. Volatile. In a dark place right now.
To your surprise, James walks out with Lily Evans, and you have to force yourself to set aside the twinge of envy that grips your chest. He couldn't stand the thought of her three days ago; now they are suddenly friendly? Even partnering in class together? You shake you head, determined not to let it bother you. You need to talk to James, openly and honestly, and if Lily Evans comes up, then you hope he will be open and honest as well.
Lily smiles at you and and waves to James, who gives you a grin as you head off down the corridor together.
"I'm glad Flitwick didn't get that note," he starts.
"I charmed it to muddle up if a professor intercepted it," you reply with a laugh. "So all he would have seen was a bunch of nonsense."
James glances sideways. "He's the Charms teacher, Remus. I'm sure he knows the counter-charm."
You stop laughing. "I forgot about that."
"Good one, Moony," James laughs. You join him, feeling surprisingly comfortable being with him. You thought it would be awkward after what happened, but you've missed him. You're ready to figure out if it meant anything, or if it was just a crazy mistake you can move past. And you're fairly sure that you will be happy either way, because he is still your best friend: you can still laugh together.
The castle is bustling as students move between classes. As you walk, you talk about the Charms lesson, about your Potions homework, about Transfiguration the next day. Leaving the castle, you pull your cloak tighter as you step out into the cold, grey morning.
"Bring that flask?" James asks with a wink.
"I don't usually carry it to class, no," you retort.
"Just Hogsmeade," he laughs once more, and you laugh with him once more as you make your way toward the Forbidden Forest. You both know it so well that getting lost under its snowy eaves is exactly what you need right now.
"So what did Lily want?" you ask casually as you step into the woods. James sighs and turns toward you.
"She asked me what was wrong. Between us, between us and Sirius. She said people are talking, and we need to work it out because we are too good of friends not to."
You are quiet for a moment. "Did you tell her what happened?" you ask.
"Of course not!" he exclaims. "I haven't even talked about it with you, why would I tell her?"
"Nice of her to ask, though," you murmur.
"Shocked the hell out of me," he says in return, and you smile.
"She's a good person, James."
"She's not usually so nice to me," he replies. "But yeah, she was all right back there. Have you told anyone?"
You shake your head. "Pete thinks we had a row in Hogsmeade. I told him it was something like that."
James snorts as you walk deeper into the woods. "What did happen, Moony? In Hogsmeade, on the way back, in the bathroom?"
You've come to a clearing where a small frozen pond lies in the middle of a circle of tall pine trees. You lean back against the nearest tree, glancing up into its snowy boughs. "I'm still not sure, Prongs. But…I don't think it was wrong. Do you?"
He is silent for so long, standing at the edge of the pond gazing into the woods, that you are certain he must regret it: that he must be disgusted, horrified even. But finally he turns and shakes his head. "No, I don't. It felt good. It felt right."
You let out the tense breath you didn't even know you'd been holding. "Then what do we do about it?"
"Try again?" he suggests, a suggestive smile playing at his lips. "See if something is still there?"
"Without the flask, you mean?" you toss back, and he moves closer.
"Something like that." He steps forward and placed his hands against the tree trunk on either side of you, effectively pining you against it.
"That's a start," you murmur, amazed at how easy that was. You should have talked about it days ago. It is not awkward or uncomfortable, and just like that, you are bantering again. James does not hate you, he is not disgusted. In fact, he is staring at you so intensely right now you can't help but lick your lips as you feel your heart race in anticipation.
He leans forward and kisses you, slowly at first, then more passionately as you open your mouth to his, and your tongues eagerly continue on from that first exploration in the prefects' bath. And then he moves to kiss your chin, your neck, even your ears, sending shivers down your back that have nothing to do with the snow and cold. You can't help but murmur his name.
"Yes?" he says, pulling up to gaze into your eyes.
"Are we mad?" you ask.
"Perhaps," he nods.
"But that's all right?" you continue, because you just want to know you won't lose him, not now.
"It's all right with me if it's all right with you," he says, then claims your lips for another long, deep kiss before you can answer. When he stops, you reach out to trace your finger along his jaw.
"It's all right with me, but I have to know something. Two things."
He nods and lets his forehead rest against yours. It feels so natural to be standing there so intimately with him that you almost can't speak. "What's the first?"
"Will we still be friends?" you ask, almost whispering. He reaches down for your hand, and you both gaze at your entwined fingers in wonder.
"Yes," he says, his voice close to breaking. "Always. I couldn't bear to lose you, as a friend or more."
You swallow thickly and hope he keeps his word, because you will. He will always be your best friend, no matter what happens now, a week from now, or a year from now. "What about the others, then?"
He drops your hand and steps back, rubbing at the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Shit, Remus, I don't know." He gazes at you with confusion in his eyes. "What do you think?"
You shake your head. "I don't know either. You don’t think we're doing anything wrong by them, do you?"
He shrugs with the helpless uncertainty you still feel as well. "Maybe. But this is between us, not them."
"So maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for now?" you suggest.
"They'll figure it out eventually," James points out. You shrug back.
"Then we'll deal with it when they do. Right now we should just focus on us."
"That sounds good."
You step forward for another long kiss, relishing in the new, exciting feeling of discovering something that was always there, only you never realized it. James returns the feeling, and you wish you weren't in the middle of the woods but someplace warmer, because even the heat from his body pressing close is not enough to keep out the biting cold.
James shivers as well before he pulls away and nods his head toward the castle. Although you wouldn't mind staying out, you are much colder without him against you, and you both have class later. You head toward the edge of the forest together.
"So what is this exactly--us?" James asks, and you can't help but groan, because for once in your life you don't have an answer, and you don't care.
"I don't know that either, Prongs," you say, giving him a pointed look. "I think we just need to let it happen, whatever it is."
"It's not going to be easy, is it?" he asks, and he sounds both sad and anxious. You stop and turn him toward you.
"James, it's already easy," you say, grasping his hand. "It's easy for us. Let's not worry about anything else yet, all right?"
He glances through the trees toward the castle, then smiles and leans forward to kiss you. "You're right, of course."
"Naturally," you say as you leave the woods and trudge up to the front steps. "I have always been the voice of reason in our pathetic little group." When James raises an eyebrow, you laugh. "It's true. You'd have far more detentions without me whispering in your ear."
"Or Peter whimpering in the other," he laughs, and you laugh with him, feeling wonderfully content.
You continue toward the castle, silent for a moment before James speaks. "We should talk to Sirius." You whip your head toward him in surprise. "Not about this," he says, rolling his eyes. "About him, about Peter--about all of us. Evans was right. We're best friends. We need to work it out."
You nod in agreement as you enter the castle and walk toward the Great Hall for lunch. Peter is waiting outside for you, pacing back and forth.
"Where have you been? Off having a snog or something?" he snaps. Your mouth almost falls open and you're fairly certain you hear a strangled sound from James, but you manage to recover fairly quickly.
"I told you we had a row, Pete," you say, trying to sound reproving. "And now we've worked it out. What are you doing out here?"
"Sirius is in there, and there's no one else to sit with," he says.
You glance at James, who nods. "Then maybe we should go sit with him." Peter stares at you.
"Really?" he asks. "Even after--"
You sling an arm around his shoulder. "Yes. It's time we work this out. We're best friends, after all."
You lead him into the hall, but share one more look and a secret smile with James. Just because everything is different between you and James doesn't mean anything has changed between everyone else. You are all best friends…but now some of you are a bit more.